Sweet History
an original screenplay
by
FADE IN:
EXT. JUNGLE - CRETACEOUS PERIOD - DAY
We move through a prehistoric jungle. The vegetation is large and overgrown. The animal noises strange.
In the distance, several brontosaurus graze with their young. Beyond them, volcanoes belch enormous clouds of sulfur into the reddened sky.
We continue our journey. A strange reptilian creature hisses at the camera, only to be eaten by a larger, stranger creature.
The jungle thins as we approach a clearing, and finally, the granite face of a mountain wall. A LOW HUM unnerves the tiny herbivores feeding off the scraps made by a larger dinosaur stripping the bark off a tree.
The HUM is replaced by the sound of LARGE GEARS ECHOING in the earth. A vertical crack appears in the face of the mountain.
The scavengers skitter into the jungle.
The crack widens; bright light streams out. It's not a wall, but the door to a cave. As it opens, we see the silhouette of a man bathed in light.
The man steps out. He is dressed in a German Luftwaffe general's uniform, circa 1940. He is HOMER SWEET, Restorative Historian.
Homer straightens his uniform.
The dinosaur stops in mid chew to stare at him.
HOMER
What's the matter? Never seen
a Nazi before?
INT. FAILSAFE CAVE
The natural rock of the cave is just a facade for a sophisticated, man-made installation. Futuristic computer stations are outnumbered by dust outlines left behind by recently moved equipment.
GEORGE stands in front of a full-length mirror,trying unsuccessfully to button the tight-fitting jacket of his Luftwaffe Colonel's uniform. HARRY MOORE, dressed in a white coverall, is working on the hem of George's pants.
GEORGE
This is not a 48.
HARRY
(Through pins in his mouth)
I'm a historian, not a bloody seamstress.
Harry stands, pulls the pins from his mouth. His face is covered with tiny bits of toilet paper.
HARRY (Cont'd.)
You're lucky I found any Nazi uniforms at all. Everything's been sent forward already. Even the damn razor blades.
GEORGE
(with German accent)
No, our beloved Fuhrer is lucky.
George raises his arm in a mock hail Hitler and clicks the heels of his boots. Harry returns a lackluster salute.
HARRY
It doesn't make any sense. Why him? Why now?
GEORGE
In the twenty-five years the Department of Historic Restoration has been in existence, Adolf Hitler has been assassinated one hundred and forty seven times. Let's face it. He's not well liked.
George walks toward the front of the cave. Harry hurries to catch up.
HARRY
Sure. Except we caught all the Time Assassins. We put history back on track. We're supposed to be done.
GEORGE
It only takes one nut out there with a time machine to screw up history again. That's why Homer's been fighting to keep FailSafe operational.
George waves his arms to take in the newly Spartan interior of the FailSafe cave.
HARRY
(to himself)
Speaking of nuts with a time machine.
EXT. FAILSAFE CAVE
Homer pulls a vintage German luger from its holster and inspects it. He opens the handgrip to reveal a digital display. The futuristic gun is set for stun. He closes the handgrip as George enters from the cave.
GEORGE
(doing Klink from Hogan's Heroes)
General Buckhalter...so good of you to come.
HARRY walks up to the mouth of the cave.
HARRY
Who the hell is General Buckhalter?
HOMER
(to George)
And he calls himself a historian.
GEORGE
He doesn't even know how to shave.
Homer smiles and the two turn away from Harry and walk into the clearing.
HARRY
There was no General Buckhalter of historic record in the German army. I'm right. Am I right?
HOMER
(impersonating Sgt. Schultz)
I know nothing! Nooothing!
Harry shakes his head, closing the cave door with the touch of a button.
GEORGE
He thinks you're crazy, you know.
HOMER
Do you?
GEORGE
Are you still being stalked by a time-traveling land shark?
HOMER
Yeah.
GEORGE
(mulls it over)
No. I don't think you're crazy.
Homer looks at his Traveller, the time-travelling device strapped to his wrist. He taps a few keys on the keypad.
INSERT: TRAVELLER'S DISPLAY PANEL
reads: Berlin, Germany 9:00 AM March 12, 1940 A.D.
HOMER
(in German with English subtitles)
Ready, Colonel?
GEORGE
(German with subtitles)
Yes, my dog!
Homer gives him a look.
HOMER
Better use the translator.
GEORGE
Right.
George presses a button on the side of his Traveller.
There's an earth-shattering ROAR followed by the SPLITTING OF WOOD as huge trees begin coming down in the jungle to their right.
The bark-stripping dinosaur bolts down the path leading away from the cave.
A TYRANNOSAURUS REX breaks through the trees, ROARING victory before negotiating the several steps between it and breakfast.
George slides his foot over so that it touches Homer's. Homer activates his Traveller. We hear a STRANGE ELECTRONIC SOUND. Blue light shoots out of the Traveller, up Homer's arm, and through his body. George gives the Tyrannosaurus the "finger" as the blue light shoots up his leg and engulfs him as well.
The two men DISAPPEAR as the Tyrannosaurus lunges, snapping its huge jaw at empty space.
CUT TO:
EXT. GERMAN CHANCELLORY - 1940 - DAY
Vintage automobiles and German staff cars drive by. WE CLOSE IN ON the Chancellory building.
INT. ADOLF HITLER'S OFFICE - DAY
HITLER sits behind a large wooden desk. He is practicing a speech by mouthing the words and synchronizing his patented hand movements. It's not working. He stops, rubs out the offending sentence and scratches in a new one.
A STRANGE ELECTRONIC SOUND breaks his concentration. Hitler cranes his neck, glancing neurotically around the room. Convinced that he is alone, he turns his attention back to his work.
THE ANGLE WIDENS to reveal Homer and George standing behind Hitler. George presses a small circular device to Hitler's temple. The Fuhrer lurches forward, unconscious. His hand releases a cascade of paper to the floor.
HOMER
Door.
GEORGE
Check.
Homer pulls Hitler off the desk and back into his chair. He checks his wrist for the time, then begins picking up the pages of Hitler's speech.
George slips over to the door. He kneels down, pulls a small electronic device from his pocket and uses it to fuse the lock on the door.
INT. HALLWAY - OTHER SIDE OF DOOR
TWO GUARDS are stationed, one on each side of the door. A GENERAL approaches, flanked by ATTENDANTS. The Guards snap to attention.
GENERAL
(German with subtitles)
I wish to speak to the Fuhrer.
GUARD #1
(German with subtitles)
The Fuhrer left strict orders not to be disturbed, Herr General.
GENERAL
(German with subtitles)
He will want to see his head of new weapons development, don't you think?
The Guards exchange looks, begin to perspire.
INT. HITLER'S OFFICE Ð DESK
HOMER is still picking up Hitler's speech when George returns. In the background,we hear the General (O.S.) giving the guards a VERBAL LASHING.
HOMER
Hurry. We don't have much time.
He wrinkles his nose, looks around.
HOMER (Cont'd.)
What is that god-awful smell?
George sniffs. He sniffs Hitler's head, then examines his own boots.
GEORGE
Aw, jeez. I stepped in dinosaur shit again.
George starts scraping his feet on the floor.
HOMER
Well keep it on your shoe and out of the twentieth century.
George sheepishly peels a sheet of paper from the sole of his boot. He places it on top of Hitler's speech while Homer isn't looking.
Homer grabs the side of Hitler's chair.
HOMER (Cont'd.)
Ready?
Homer starts to push. George stalls.
GEORGE
Are you sure you want to do this?
HOMER
We're not here to make things right . . .
George finishes the motto he's heard a hundred times before.
GEORGE
We're here to make them happen. I know.
They roll the unconscious Fuhrer away from the desk.
GEORGE (Cont'd.)
It just ticks me off. Because we're the good guys, we have to save the most evil son of a bitch of the 20th century. Again.
Homer counts his steps as he walks from the desk to some invisible point in the middle of the room. He stops, pulls out his luger, then checks it to make sure it's set on stun.
HOMER
I learned a long time ago. Never get involved with what happened a long time ago.
He looks at the time on his Traveller then points the gun in the air beside him as if he were holding it against someone's head.
We hear the ELECTRONIC SOUND OF A TRAVELLER. Then, KRONIG, a mercenary from the future, APPEARS at the end of the barrel.
Kronig is dressed in a futuristic jumpsuit with a dozen lethal-looking devices strapped strategically across his body. The huge laser cannon in his hands BLAZES fury into the wall where Hitler had been sitting.
INT. HALLWAY - OTHER SIDE OF DOOR
The General's tirade is cut short by the sound of LASER FIRE (O.S.) from inside the Fuhrer's office.
GUARD #1 goes for the door while the rest pull out their weapons. The doorknob won't turn. They're locked out!
INT. HITLER'S OFFICE
Kronig stops shooting. We can hear BANGING on the door, and GERMAN SHOUTING (O.S.) from the hall. Kronig feels the pistol at his head and pivots to confront Homer.
KRONIG
Nazi pig!
Homer fires. The mercenary is knocked clear across the room.
HOMER
Don't call me a Nazi.
He holsters his pistol, then pulls out some sort of scanning device and walks over to Kronig's body.
George rolls Hitler back behind his desk and props him up so he sways precariously in his chair.
GEORGE
(to Hitler)
Saved your ass again, didn't I?
We hear a LOUD THUD at the door, followed by another, and another.
GEORGE (Cont'd.)
Gotta go.
He looks at Hitler, then at the crap-covered speech on the desk before him.
GEORGE (Cont'd.)
Don't let me keep you from your work.
He pats Hitler on the back. The Fuhrer begins listing toward the dung-laden speech.
Homer scans Kronig's body. The device BEEPS madly as it nears the mercenary's wrist. Homer pulls back Kronig's sleeve to reveal a Traveller.
George walks to the front of the desk. THUD. He stops to look at the door. In the background, we see Hitler slowly falling forward.
THUD. The door CRACKS. The bolt starts to pull away from the door jamb.
GEORGE
Shit.
Behind him, Hitler's face impacts the speech with a SPLAT.
GEORGE (Cont'd.)
We're about to have company, Homer. Homer?
His partner is still hunched over the mercenary's body. George hurries over. Homer shows him the Traveller strapped to Kronig's wrist.
GEORGE
Jesus. That's one of ours. How the hell does a time assassin get a hold of a Department-issue Traveller?
HOMER
I don't know, but whoever gave it to him apparently doesn't want it back.
Homer shows George the readout on the scanner.
HOMER (Cont'd.)
It's got a bomb in it, set to explode the next time he uses it.
GEORGE
Homer, what the hell is going on?
HOMER
Lets' find out. Give me a hand with him.
George picks up the laser cannon and together they lift Kronig. Then they notice a laser pistol lying on the floor halfway between them and the door.
Homer looks at the weapons strapped to Kronig's suit, and the empty loop.
HOMER
Great.
THUD. CRACK. The door begins to splinter.
GEORGE
I'll get it.
HOMER
I'll get it. You hold him.
Homer relinquishes his burden and walks to the middle of the room.
HOMER (Cont'd.)
Wouldn't want to leave this behind.
George struggles to keep Kronig on his feet. But we see, it's not because he's too heavy. The mercenary is waking up!
Homer bends over to pick up the pistol, but before he can, the gun flies across the room and into Kronig's hand.
Homer freezes as he stares into the barrel of the gun.
George grabs the mercenary's arm before he can shoot.
Homer breathes a sigh of relief and pulls out his own pistol.
BOOM! The marble head of a Greek statue bursts through a panel in the door.
Homer looks at his Traveller.
INSERT: HOMER'S TRAVELLER
The display window flashes: "charging."
Kronig twists George's arm behind his back, using him as a shield against Homer. He points his gun to George's temple. Kronig looks at his own Traveller.
INSERT: KRONIG'S TRAVELLER
The display also flashes: "charging."
KRONIG
(to George)
Get us out of here.
GEORGE
That's going to be a little difficult, considering.
KRONIG
Verbal. Use the verbal command.
GEORGE
I can't. That'll bring us back to--
KRONIG
Do it.
GEORGE
It's suicide.
The door EXPLODES into pieces as the statue SMASHES through it. The GERMANS flood into the room.
Homer runs toward George and Kronig.
HOMER
Do it.
The Guards cock their machine guns.
GEORGE
Oh shit. Traveller.
INSERT: GEORGE'S TRAVELLER
The display flashes to life, indicating it's "ready."
GEORGE
Execute escape ... now!