Fog covers the land to the point where very little can be seen. We hear some leaves rustling in a tree. Suddenly a branch cracks and an Old Knight falls helplessly to the hard ground. The poor knights has long dirty hair and his armor is rusty. He drags himself closer to you. Takes a deep breath and says:
Old Knight: It’s….
The Island of Bones
Narrator: The Knigths are sailing across the sea and—
Arthur: HEY, stop it!
Narrator: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: We told that story already and there’s no use in telling it again. I believe it would be much better if we continue from where we left.
Narrator: Are you sure we told that one already?
Arthur: Of course, I’m sure! Remember? "The Knights Sailing Across the Sea?" This one is called "The Island of Bones."
Narrator: Oh ,yes I remember now. Um… but where were we?
Arthur: (sighs in frustration) The Knights of the Round Table are on our way to the Island of Bones.
Narrator: Right. Okay, I remember now.
Arthur: Good. Now get on with it …(between his teeth) you moron.
Narrator: Did you just call me a moron???
Arthur: Uh, what? Me? No!
Narrator: Yes, you did. You called me a moron!
Arthur: I did not.
Narrator: Yes you did!
Arthur: No I didn’t!
Narrator: Yes, you did. I heard it perfectly clear… Ah, forget it.
Arthur: Right.
Narrator: (checking his notes) ,,,’they come back put their clothes back on….’ (he smiles politely at you) And so the amazing adventures of the Knights of the Round Table continued. Arthur and his nights did the most wonderful thing. The followed the path until the road split into two different directions. So, the group was divided in two groups: Arthur and Bedevere went to the left and Lancelot and Robin went right. Right.
The Tale of Sir Lancelot and Sir Robin
Sir Lancelot and Sir Robin walk side by side down the road in the foggy woods.
Robin: Are you sure this is the right direction?
Lancelot: My God, man. How hard can it be to follow one single straight road!
Robin: Oh, yes right. It’s just that this is a very strange land who knows what evil blood thirsty creatures roam around this parts. Not that I’m afraid…
Lancelot: Did you hear that? Around the bushes…
Robin: A MONSTER! RUN AWAY RUN A---!!!
Lancelot: That’s no monster it’s a little innocent deer. Look.
A deer peeks from the bushes.
Robin: Awwww.
Lancelot: Right. EEEEEYAAAAHHH!!!!
Lancelot draws his sword but Robin stops him before he cut the deer in half.
Lancelot: Uh…sorry.
Suddenly, a devilish feminine laughter was heard. The walk over a hill and looking down they see…
Lancelot: Amazons!
Robin: (shaking) Not Amazons! They k—kill men!
Lancelot: Look! Sir Gallahad is trapped on that cage. This is it! At last! After all that time sailing in that smelly dinky boat our courage and fighting skills are once again needed! Ha ha!!
Robin: He’s a grown man, h-he can take care of himself. Won’t you come with me and look fore some raspberries?
Too late, Lancelot was already creeping closer to the Amazon tribe.
Narrator: And so, Sir Robin followed his companion to save Sir Gallahad: The Pure who was missing entirely in "The Knights Sailing Across the Sea" because he had been kidnapped by the Amazons. It wasn’t that the author forgot all about him. That: NEVER! Right.
Lancelot: Ready, Sir Robin.
Robin: No!
Lancelot: Right. CHAAAAA---
Narrator: I mean an author wouldn’t forget about such things. That would be absurd. I mean AAAARGHHH!
Lancelot cleansed the blood from his sword as another narrator replaced the deceased one.
Another Narrator: We share the grief of the Narrator’s family as his death came so unexpectedly…
Narrator: I’m not dead….
Another Narrator: Um…right. We hope that the Narrator recovers from his life-threatening wounds…as every breath he takes could be his last…
Narrator: Actually I’m feeling much better…
Another Narrator: Oh bloody hell… I quit.
Naraator: Right where were we…
Robin: Lancelot, what if the outnumber us. What if a hundred women capture us and oblige us to have sex with numerous partners for means of procreation and after they are done, we are put on a cave where we become nothing but objects of their pleasure and are spanked until we can’t take it no more! What then, eh? What then, eh? eh?
Lancelot: CHAAAAAAARGE!!!!!
Lancelot ran as fast as he could and began to swing blindly from left to right, back and forth. Suddenly he realized there was no one to kill.
Lancelot: They’re gone! But where?
Robin: (pointing) They are taking him down that road.
Narrator: The Brave Knights followed the Amazons until they arrived at a small village. This Amazons were strong women for whom men were nothing but trash. They sold them and enslaved them at their will. Our Gallahad was about to suffer the same fate as countless others before him. It was left to two women: Margy, a beautiful bombshell and Old Woman, an old woman.
Auctioneer: Who gives more? Who gives more? Do I hear ‘me’? Do I hear ‘me’?
Margy: Me!
Auctioneer: We got a ‘me’ from that beautiful blonde lady over there! Bautiful lady, beautiful lady, beautiful lady. I need a glass of water. Who gives another ‘me’?
Old Woman: Me!
Gallahad: No, no. I’m very weak. I’m not worth it, old woman (coughs)
Auctioneer: And we have a ‘me’ from the disgusting smelly old woman!
Old Woman: I’m not smelly.
Auctioneer: Yes, you are! You make me wanna puke! Who says ‘me’? Come on, people: this is a Knight of the Round Table! Do I hear a ‘me’? Who gives more?
Marge: Me!
Gallahad: Actually, I am very hard working. Great stamina…
Auctioneer: And a ‘me’! from the beautiful lady! Listen how fat, fast, fast I can speak. You are a wonderful audience.
Old Woman: Me! ME!!!
Auctioneer: Unbelievable! That ugly smelly old woman has doubled the bid. Great, wonderful amazing!!! Do I hear another ‘me’?
Old Woman: I’m not smelly!
Gallahad: I have malaria! (coughs and spits)
Margy: Ohhhhh shit! So much for the sponge bath I was going to give him….
Gallahad: Oh, Lord, I seek Thy help in this hour of need…oh bloody hell just strke a bolt of lighting at that smelly Old Woman.
Old Woman: I’m NOT smelly!!!
Lancelot: Me, me, ME!!!
Auctioneer: We have a triple bid!!! Going once…going twice… Sold to the mystery knight!
Sir Gallahad is free from the Amazons. He walks to his friends Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot and there is much rejoicing. They begin their way out of the village.
Robin: Walk fast, Gallahad.
Gallahad: Why?
Lancelot: Because we haven’t any gold.
Suddenly, they are surrounded by Amazons.
Cue: "Fighting Music"
Narrator: Now follows a fighting sequence. Beautifully choreographed. In this scene, Lancelot and Gallahad fight bravely. But tragically many villagers were killed by Lancelot’s hand.
Lancelot: I’m sorry. I get carried away…
One of the few surviving Amazons throws an arrow at Lancelot. Out of nowhere the auctioneer pushes Lancelot away thus getting this arrow through his own heart.
Lancelot: You brave man! You have sacrificed your own life in order to save mine! You shall be avenged!!!
Auctioneer: Actually, I’m quite alright.
Lancelot: Oh.
Auctioneer: It’s hell being the only man in an Amazon tribe. Every second the thoughts of one of them killing me rushes through my mind. (breaks down in tears) You have no idea what is like to make love to eight women at the same time! You have to take me with you, please Sir…uh…
Lancelot: I am Sir Lancelot: The Brave and you uh…
Auctioneer: My name is Concord at your service. Please, if you need a servant, someone to bang half coconuts together for I see you are on foot…
Lancelot: Right. Come along then.
Concord: Oh, thank you! I travel with my two brothers. They will serve the other two knigths if you wish.
Lancelot: Certainly, but eh… I don’t see your brothers. All I see is these two very ugly women.
Concord: Well, they like to dress in drag. I think it’s because of the weather or something…
Lancelot: (clears throat) Right.
Gallahad: Ok, let’s go and find Arthur! Where’s robin?
Robin sneaks out of a crate and joins them.
The three servants begin banging their coconuts together as they followed Sir Lancelot, Sir Robin and Sir Gallahad.
Narrator: And so, being no longer on foot, Sir Lancelot, Sir Robin and the newly rescued Sir Gallahad began their way to reunite with King Arthur. Will they ever find the Holy Grail? Why didn’t the villagers complain as Sir Lancelot killed them with his mighty sword? Why didn’t the strange old man from "The Knights Sailing Across the Sea" appear? Where are all the bones? his questions may or may not be answered next time. Until then, this is the Narrator saying: I am feeling much, much better. It was just a flesh wound.
The Old Knight rises and begins climbing the tree again. Suddenly he is pulled by an unknown force and is thrown several yards away. He rises and starts running toward the thick woods until, he disappears in the distance.
To be continued….I think….