Written by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Though I know I should be wary, still I venture someplace scary. Ghostly hauntings I turn loose, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!"
[Beetlejuice theme]
One quiet morning of April 18, 1958, a lawn mower sounded and Richie Cunningham jumped out of bed. Then his alarm went off and Richie waddled out of bed. He had a quick dream that he was actually cool, but instead he woke up feeling all hum-drum. It may seem all weird to you, but everything in Milwaukee was not out of the ordinary. His mother entered the room.
Marion: You better get up and pack your stuff, dear.
Richie: Why?
Marion: We have to move, dear.
Richie: What?!
Marion: We are moving in with your cousin Charles and Delia.
Richie: What’s wrong?
Marion: Your father got a job working with a man by the name of Gomez Addams.
Richie: What about my new job at the library?
Marion: I'm sure there are plenty of libraries out there.
Richie: Oh well, I don't need to have a job like that forever.
Marion: Well, get packed.
The next thing they knew, they were on a plane to Connecticut. They reached the Dietz's house. The Cunningham's knocked at the door.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
The door creaked, slowy opening. An old woman with white hair and wearing a yellow sweater answered.
Sophia: Who are you?
Marion: It's cousin Marion!
Sophia: Do I have a cousin Marion?
Dorthy: Ma, who is it?
Sophia: (sarcasticly) A Jehovah's Witness, Dorthy!
Marion: I'm not a Jehovah's Witness... uh...uh...
Sophia: Barbara Bush
Marion: My name's not Barbara. I'm Marion Cunn...
Just then, Blanche came and saw Richie. She approached him.
Blanche: Hey, good lookin', if you play your cards right then maybe I'll see you tonight.
Richie grinned.
A familiar voice came out of nowhere saying, "He's with me!" When Richie turned around, he saw Patty Simcox.
Richie: What are you doing here?
Marion: (smiling) I invited her.
Blanche: Well, I saw him first.
Patty: You think you saw him first. You are nothing but a brittle cheap slut!
Sophia: (to Patty) You know her?
Patty: I am not finished! I saw him first, lady and there is nothing you or your cheap looks can do about it!...Repugnant!!
Sophia: Come to think of it, I think SHE is my neice.
Dorthy came to the door.
Dorthy: I'm soory, but you're on the wrong set. We are the Golden Girls. You are looking for...
Marion: The Addams' Family and the Deitz'.
Dorthy:The Deitz' are right next door and The Addams' Family is in the backlot right near Lassie and Laverne and Shirley.
Marion: Thank you for helping us.
Blanche: (waving seductively) Anytime!
She gave Richie the sexy eye.
They walked next door, approached the door, and rang the bell. When the door opened, a warm looking man answered with blond hair. Right behind him stood a cold looking red head.
Charles: Marion?
Marion: Yes?
Delia: (all distressed) Charles?!
Charles: This is my cousin Marion.
Delia: It's nice to meet you.
Marion: Likewise.
Charles: I'm so glad you're getting along!
Delia: Why shouldn't we, Charles?
Charles shrugged and motioned for them to come in.
Marion: This is a very lovely house.
Delia: Thank you. Otho and I have made it in our own tastes.
Marion: Very good, may I say. I happen to be quite a decorator myself.
Delia: Well, may I show you around this quaint little hellhole?
Mrs. Cunningham's facial expression went from happy to frightened. Charles mouthed to her that it was okay. She sighed with relief.
Charles: Hey there, Richie. Who's your friend?
Richie: Patty Simcox.
Charles: Nice to meet you, Patty. (whispering to Richie) Is she your girlfriend?
Richie: No, she's not.
Charles: You two go upstairs and visit with Lydia.
Richie: Okay.
They went upstair where Lydia was lying down on her bed and knocked on her door.
Lydia: What do you want?!
Before Richie could answer...
Lydia:If your're Delia, then I'm in the middle of a suidcidal thought.
Richie: It's Richie Cunningham.
Lydia: Oh, come in.
They walked in and saw that her bedroom walls were painted all black.
Patty: What a lovely choice of...of...
Lydia: Thank you. (Beat) Are you Joanie?
Patty: No, Joanie's staying at a friend's house in Milwaukee.
Lydia: Then, who are you?
Richie: This is my good friend, Patty Simcox.
Lydia: Nice to meet you.
Patty: I have heard a lot of things about you.
Lydia: I wish I could say the same. [deep silence] Do you guys want to go upstairs to the attic and meet my friends?
They both nodded and were on their way. While walking upstairs, the stairs creaked.
Patty: (to Richie) This a spooky house.
Richie: I know. This is the first time I've been in this house.
Lydia: Okay, this is the attic space.
Patty: It's very lovely. I like places with lots of space.
Lydia smiled.
Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland?!...Hello?!
The only lights up there were a string of white Christmas lights. In the middle of the room, was a model of the entire town, which they lived and where Lydia and her family live now.
Barbara: Hey, who's your friend?
Lydia: This in my cousin Richie and his friend Patty.
Barbara: It's very nice to meet you... this is my husband, Adam.
Adam: It's my pleasure... did Lydia mention we are ghosts?
Richie stood with a blank look on his face. He knew that his family was coo-coo, but to that extreme? Just then, music played and Richie and Patty were rising up off the floor along with Lydia and the Maitlands'. They then believed that they were ghosts. Later, everyone left the room except for Patty. A voice came from the model.
Beetlejuice: Hey! Hey! What about me?
Patty: Who are you?
Beetlejuice: I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
Patty: What's your name?
Beetlejuice: Uh, I can't tell ya.
Patty: Why not?
Beetlejuice: Do I have to repeat myself here? It's the same thing I told Lydia. If I tell you, then your friends will be calling me on the horn all the time and they'll be wanting me to make appearances at the mall and sign autographs. I'm not going to do that. Have you ever played charades?
Patty: Ya.
Then he showed her the beetle and the glass of juice. She finally guessed his name. He insisted on her saying his name three times. Suddenly, out of nowhere, came Lydia.
Lydia: Come on, Patty. You don't want to talk to him.
Patty: Why not?
Barbara came into the room with Addam.
Lydia: Because...
Barbara: He is a living Bio - Exorsist.
Richie: What?!
Adam: Well...uh...I thought you were downstairs.
Richie: I got bored.
Adam: I think that we should get out of here.
Meanwhile...as the older Cunninghams went to visit the Addams house to get a job...
Marion: I hope that my little Richie don't get into any trouble at my cousin'house.
Howard: Don't worry, Marion. He'll be fine.
They stopped in front of the Addams house.
Marion: Wow. This house looks like something from a horror film.
Howard: Be nice now.
They got out of the car and slowly approached the door. Howard pulled the door bell nob and it sounded like a fog horn. The door slowly creaked open. A tall, slinder, scary looking man answered the door.
Lerch answered the door and growled.
Howard: Hi, my name is Howard Cunningham, and this is my wife Marion. I am here for the job Mr. Addams offered.
Lerch: Follow me.
Gomez and Mortica are in the livingroom swinging swords at each other. Marion just looked at Howard.
Lerch: Mr. Addams. Howard and Marion Cunningham.
Gomez: Well, come in.
They had a very boring buisness meeting which lasted forever. It was about time for them to leave when...
Fester: Gomez! What happened to the rest of the dynamite?
Wednesday: I found it, Uncle Fester.
Pugsley: We found it in the basement.
Motica: Children! Come down and meet our guests!
Marion and Howard said hello and goodnight because they were there for a long time. Just then, a big lion came down the stairs. They both bolted out the door and proceeded to the Dietz's where they picked up Patty and Richie.
Richie: I don't understand why we're going back home. I love it here in Connecticut.
Marion: Well that's tough. Who will wash you clean underwear and...
So they flew back to Milwaukee. Richie was not very happy about going back.
Marion: I can't wait to get home, Howard and see Joanie! I missed her so much!
They finally landed and went back home. When they pulled up to the drive-way, he wished he could go back.
Patty: Richie, we are both 18 years old and have the right to move there ourselves.
Richie: Now that's a great idea.
Patty: Well, we better tell your mom.
Richie: We?
Patty: Yeah, we'll live there together, right?
Richie: No, I'm taking Laurie Beth!
Patty: Laurie Beth?! No! You can't!
Richie: I will! So long, sister!
Patty: THEN I'LL GET DANNY ZUKO TO TAKE ME!!!!
Richie lefted, picked up Laurie Beth and went off to Connecticut where they got married and had many kids.
Pinky: So Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
Brain: Same thing we do every night, Pinky...try to take over the world!
Beetlejuice: I wonder where the Cunningham family went?....AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! SAND WORMS!!!!
They're Pinky..they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain , Brain. NARF!