Better and Worse, Sickness and Health

"Isn’t it great, Carmine? To think, in three short days, we’ll be married men," said Lenny.

"I think I’m gonna throw up," replied Carmine.

"Again?"

"Yes. Again."

They were sitting at a table in Frank DeFazio’s new restaurant, the Pizza Bowl, Too. Frank had tired quickly of retired life, so when Mario’s Pizza restaurant went on the market, he bought it with the insurance money from Cowboy Bill’s. Unlike the original Pizza Bowl, there was no bowling alley, at least not yet. Frank had plans for that down the line. For now, he explained to customers that the ‘Bowl’ referred to the bottomless bowls of salad he offered with every large pizza ordered.

Lenny was chowing down ravenously on one such large pizza. Carmine, sitting across from him, was stooped over with his head between his knees.

"Geeze, what’s wrong with you?" asked Lenny. "This is the happiest time of our lives. I’m about to marry the only girl who’s ever even given me a second look. You’re about to marry the girl you’ve loved for a million or so years. Everything’s comin’ up roses and all you can do is -- fertilize them."

Carmine raised his head slightly. "Thanks for that imagery. That really helps me right now."

"Carmine, are you that nervous about getting married?"

"Yes. No. No, wait. Nervous doesn’t cover it. Nauseated, dazed, ready to throw myself in front of a truck to make it stop…much more like it." He groaned and lowered his head again.

Lenny shook his head in disbelief. "I thought you were over all of this. I mean, I know that little visit to your dad brought up a lot of bad memories, but that was months ago. You’ve been all chipper, making plans with Shirl, getting honeymoon tickets. Why the sudden heebie-jeebies?"

Carmine put his hands on the table and forced himself to sit up. His face was pale, his eyes slightly glazed over and his hair and clothes were more than a little disheveled. "I don’t know," he said. "But they are a’heebing and a’jeebing something fierce, Len. It just started at the beginning of this week and every day it’s gotten worse and worse."

"Well, that’s just terrible, Carmine," said Lenny, wiping his mouth and sitting back in his chair, hands resting on his full belly. "Because you should be enjoying this time, your last days as a bachelor. I know I am."

"That’s great, Len. I’m really happy for you." Carmine drummed his fingers on the table, careful not to look at the pizza remnants. "I wish I could be as happy and carefree about all this too. I thought I was past all the doubts and the worries about getting married, settling down…having babies, raising them, paying for college…oh, boy." Carmine pressed a hand over his mouth and stood up shakily. "I’ll be back," he mumbled, then bolted toward the men’s room.

Lenny smirked, then started to reach for another slice of pizza. "More for me," he said.

"How’s about for me?"

Squiggy strolled over to the table. Lenny gave his a big grin. "Hey, Squig," he said, cheerfully. "Sure, grab a slice. I don’t think Carmine’s got much of an appetite today."

"Don’t mind if I do." Squiggy sat down in Carmine’s empty chair and grabbed a slice. He took a large bite. "Needs more anchovies," he commented.

"Yeah. Anchovies would be swell."

The two friends sat across from one another in companionable silence. Finally, Lenny said, "So, Squig. When is it?"

Squiggy looked at him. "When’s what?" he asked, his mouth full of pizza.

"Hey, say it, don’t spray it," said Lenny. "You know."

"I know lots of things," replied Squiggy. "What thing in particular do you think I know?"

"C’mon. When’s my bachelor party?"

Squiggy stopped chewing. "What?"

"Well, you are my best man and all. It’s your sworn duty to provide me with a proper sendoff to bachelorhood-dom. So, when is it? Time’s runnin’ out, you know."

Squiggy swallowed audibly, then put down the remaining slice. "I gotta go," he said.

"Where? Squig…"

"Oh, no. It’s nothin’ to do with what you just said. That is all taken care of and will be…well, it will be when it is scheduled to be and not a moment before. You’re gonna be surprised though. Oh, will you be surprised!" Squiggy began backing toward the door.

"Oh, goody!" exclaimed Lenny, clapping his hands together. "I can’t hardly wait!"

"Yeah, well, you bet you can’t. ‘Cause it’s gonna be the bestest ever bachelor party what ever was, ol’ buddy, o’l pal. See ya!" Squiggy swung around and ran out.

"Hey! Watch it, ya…" Frank DeFazio muttered the rest unintelligibly as Squiggy breezed past him, nearly knocking the pitcher of beer out of Frank’s hand. Frank put the pitcher down on the table. "You still hangin’ out with that delinquent?" he asked Lenny.

"Sure, Mr. DeFazio," said Lenny. "Squiggy’s my best friend."

"Some best friend. You know, a pet rock would be a better best friend," Frank grumbled.

"Aw, he’s not so bad. Squiggy has a good heart."

"Maybe in a jar somewhere," said Frank.

Carmine staggered back over to the table. He dropped into his chair and slouched, with his head tilted so that he could stare at the ceiling.

"What’s the matter with him?" asked Frank, nodding toward Carmine.

"Butterflies in the stomach," said Lenny.

"More like pterodactyls. Big, angry, flapping pterodactyls," said Carmine.

Frank put a hand on Carmine’s shoulder. "You wanna talk?"

Carmine looked at him, managing a little smile. "It’s nothin’, Mr. DeFazio. Just pre-wedding jitters. I’ll get over it."

"Before the wedding, I hope," said Frank. "I don’t want you tossin’ your cookies all over Shirley’s nice, white gown."

"I’ll take some Pepto before the ceremony," Carmine promised.

"Carmine," said Frank, leaning a little closer toward him. "Are you sure there isn’t anything I can help you with?"

Carmine shrugged. "I’ll be fine. Really. Look, I can see you," he added, reaching up and poking the older man in the stomach. "I’m not cracking up or anything. Not anymore. I’m just a nervous groom, plain and simple."

"All right." Frank didn’t look convinced. "If you change your mind, son, you know where to find me."

"I do."

"Son," commented Lenny, watching Frank head back toward the kitchen. "You guys are really close, aren’t you," he said to Carmine.

"Oh, that? Len, it’s nothin’. Mr. DeFazio and I…he’s known me for a long time, that’s all. He helped me out when I was a kid."

"I’m gonna be his son-in-law, and he’s never called me son. Son of a bitch, maybe…"

"Lenny, he likes you just fine. I know he does."

"Yeah? What makes you so sure?"

"Well, because. If he didn’t, he’d have beaten the tar out of you when he found out that you were gonna marry Laverne. No one’s ever been good enough for his little girl."

"What about that Sal guy?" asked Lenny. "I didn’t see him pounding on Sal."

"Well, okay, he liked Sal."

"How about poor Randy? He didn’t have nothin’ but nice things to say about him."

"True," admitted Carmine. "But Randy was a real nice guy."

"Right," said Lenny, looking a little downcast.

"Lenny. Come on. You know he thinks you’re just as good as those guys for Laverne. Don’t you think he would have threatened your life at least once or twice by now if he didn’t?"

"You’re just sayin’ that to make me feel better," said Lenny.

"No, I’m not. Lenny, your biggest problem is that you don’t have any self-respect. You don’t realize your own potential," said Carmine.

Lenny looked at him. "Tell me more," he said.

Carmine straightened up in his chair a bit. "Well, you’re a nice person," he offered. "And you’re brave, when you need to be. And you are really, really good to Laverne."

"Go on."

"And you are getting a swelled head, so I’ll shut up now. Don’t worry. Pretty soon, Mr. DeFazio will be calling you son, because that’s what you’ll be to him."

"Maybe I should make sure Squig invites him to the bachelor party," said Lenny. A look of panic suddenly crossed his face. "Oh, nuts," he muttered.

"What? What’s wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Carmine, I’ve got to go. Oh, sorry about the pizza." He looked down at the remnants, realizing only a half-eaten slice was left. "I’ll pay this time, since you didn’t even have any."

"Thanks, Len. I’ll get you next time."

Lenny got to his feet, tossed some money down on the table, and hurried out. It felt good to be able to run again. The pain was only occasional now, mostly when it rained. His cane was lying forgotten in the back of a closet in his apartment.

Carmine watched Lenny rush off. Wonder what got into him? he thought. Carmine looked back at the table, grimaced at the pizza pan, then pushed it as far away from himself as possible. He stood up slowly and headed toward the door.

"I can’t believe I forgot Lenny’s bachelor party!" wailed Squiggy. "What am I going to do?"

"Oh, Andrew, I’m sure you’ll come up with something. You always do," Shirley reassured him.

"Yeah, and besides, Lenny don’t need no bachelor party," said Laverne. "I’m all the excitement he needs."

"Laverne!" Shirley scolded her.

"Sorry, Shirl, but it’s the truth," said Laverne, smugly.

"Woman, you do not understand the delicate male pis-syche," said Squiggy. "Marriage is a rite of passage from alonedom to coupledom. It needs to be celebrated in a certain way. And that way is a bachelor party!" Squiggy paced back and forth, like a caged tiger.

"Okay, then, Squig. If you are so gung-ho on throwing Lenny a bachelor party, why don’t you call some of his male friends and put it together? All you need is beer and munchies. How hard can it be?"

"And women, Laverne," Squiggy reminded her. "Stripper women. The most holy brand of woman."

"Whoa, there. Wait a minute. I don’t think strippers are needed. In fact, I’m sure they’re not," said Laverne.

"Awww, come on! You don’t…"

"No, Squiggy," said Laverne, adamantly. "No strippers."

"But…"

"No."

"What about…"

"None."

"But what if…"

"Squiggy! I mean it!" Laverne shouted. "No strippers!"

"Okay, okay. No strippers." He looked peeved. "What about movies?" he suggested.

"Girlie movies?"

"Well…yes."

Laverne thought about it. "Okay, I guess. But nothin’ too…you know."

"La-verne!" said Shirley, shocked. "You want your fiancee looking at naked women, doing unnatural things on film, the night before you exchange vows?

Laverne shrugged, a mischievous grin on her face. "It might give him some ideas," she said.

Shirley looked disgusted.

Squiggy sighed. "Okay. I need movies and beer and chips and pretzels and…other stuff. Good, I can do that. Thanks." He charged out of the girls’ apartment.

"There goes one determined little man," commented Shirley.

"I wonder what Lenny has planned for Carmine?" Laverne wondered aloud.

Shirley looked at her. "Whatever do you mean, Laverne?" she asked, ever so calmly.

"Well, Lenny is Carmine’s best man. What do you suppose he has planned for Carmine’s bachelor party?"

Shirley was not amused. "I’m certain Lenny is much too busy getting ready for his own wedding to waste time with such frivolity."

Laverne snorted. "Yeah, right."

Just then, Lenny burst through the door. "Vernie, thank goodness you’re here," he said. "I need your help, desperately! I totally forgot about a bachelor party for Carmine!"

Shirley gestured toward Lenny, a look of relief on her pixie face. "You see?"

"Len," said Laverne, putting her arms around her fiancee. "You’re kidding, right? How could you forget?"

"I just did, Laverne," said Lenny in exasperation. "I’ve been a little distracted, what with marrying the girl of my dreams and all."

She smiled shyly. "Aw, Len. You say the sweetest stuff."

"That’s quite all right, Leonard," Shirley reassured him. "Carmine would prefer not to have a fuss made right before our big day. A quiet evening of canasta and conversation will do just fine."

Lenny looked at her. "You are kidding, right? I mean, you do know that Carmine’s a guy?"

Shirley folded her arms. "I don’t care. I don’t want my sweetie ogling naked bimbos and getting blotto. What if he has a hangover the next day? That’s all I need, for him to throw up at the altar."

"He’ll be doin’ that anyway, the rate he’s goin’," muttered Lenny.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. Nothing important. Anyway, what should I do?"

Laverne sighed. "Well, I have a suggestion. But it means sort of letting you know something that someone else close to you might not want you to know just yet."

"Okay," said Lenny, uncertainly. "What did you just say?"

Laverne threw up her hands. "What I mean is, Squiggy’s throwing you a bachelor party. Maybe you can just make it one big party for both you and Carmine."

Lenny smiled. "Hey, yeah. That’s a great idea! Sure, we can both be the bachelors of honor at the same time, why not? Plus, it’ll be cheaper all around. We’ll save on kegs and food and stripp…striped…tablecloths," he finished, lamely.

"Right, Len. Gotta keep those striped tablecloths where they belong," said Laverne. "You know, outside with the other trash?"

"Right. Gotcha," he said, obediently.

"Well, I think that’s a lovely idea," said Shirley.

"You do?" asked Laverne, surprised.

"Yes, I do. That way, Leonard here can keep an eye on Carmine, make sure he doesn’t do anything…foolish. And Carmine can make sure that Lenny minds his P’s and Q’s at the same time."

"Yeah. That’s right," said Laverne, nodding. "Keep ‘em both honest. Okay, I’ll talk to Squig about it. You’re off the hook, honey."

Lenny smiled, relieved. "Oh, good. Thanks, girls. I knew you’d know just what to do."

The evening of the bachelor party, Carmine and Lenny found themselves cornered by their fiancees as they headed out of the Laurel Vista building.

"Hi, ladies," said Lenny. "So, what are you up to tonight?"

Carmine playfully jabbed him in the side. "What do you mean? Their gonna be home, pining away for their men!"

"Sure, yeah, that’s right," said Laverne, sarcastically. "Shirl and I are gonna cry our eyes out without you two. Only we’re not, ‘cause we’ve got better things to do."

"Such as?" asked Lenny, suspiciously.

"Such as, we have to go to La Spa, is all!" squealed Shirley. "Laverne and I signed up for the pre-wedding bridal treatment. We’re going to be pampered, top to bottom. Manicures, pedicures, special Glowing Gal facials…the works!"

"Yeah, so look out tomorrow, ‘cause we’re gonna be glowing like nobody’s business," said Laverne, winking.

"You always glow to me," said Lenny, patting her cheek.

Carmine put his hand against his chest. "Be still, my heart," he said, mockingly. "Leonard, you sweet talker you!"

"Now, Carmine, don’t tease him," said Shirley, wrapping her arms around Carmine’s waist. "After all, you say some pretty sweet things yourself."

"Yeah. In private. Where it doesn’t make other people sick," said Carmine.

"Speaking of sick," said Lenny. "How are…"

Carmine looked over at him, eyes widening. He shook his head slightly and mouthed the word no.

"How what, Lenny?" asked Shirley, watching Carmine closely. "Is there something I should know about?"

"Of course not, Angel Face!" Carmine reassured her. He held her close, glaring at Lenny over her head.

Lenny shrugged and mouthed the word what, wondering what he had said that was so wrong this time.

"Well, boys, we just wanted to remind you before you left for your evening of manly fun…" Shirley began.

"…that if we find out that either one of you messed around or did somethin’ you shouldn’t have with some floozy, we’ll beat the living daylights out of you!" finished Laverne.

Carmine and Lenny looked at each other, then hung their heads like scolded schoolboys. "Yes, ma’am," they both said.

"Good," said Shirley, satisfied. "Now, go have a wonderful time, dear." She kissed Carmine on the cheek, then grabbed for Laverne’s hand. "C’mon, Vernie. If we’re even a minute late, Monsieur Paul will take the appointments after us first!"

"Coming!" said Laverne. She grabbed Lenny and pressed her lips against his. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. She started to run her hands up and down his back.

Carmine and Shirley looked around, embarrassed.

"Um, guys?" said Carmine, uncertainly.

"La-verne!" yelled Shirley.

"Hmmmm?" murmured Laverne. She opened her eyes, then caught sight of the horrified look on Shirley’s face. She carefully extricated herself from Lenny’s embrace. "Good night, Len. See ya tomorrow?"

"With bells on," said Lenny, trying to catch his breath. He reluctantly let her go. They stared at each other, even as Shirley grasped Laverne’s hand firmly and dragged her away. Laverne only stopped when she bumped into a tree.

"Ow!" she exclaimed, holding a hand against her cheek. "Shirl, does it show? Does it show?" she added, frantically, feeling for a scrape.

"It’ll be fine," said Shirley, still pulling her along. "We’ll have Monsieur Paul slap some creme on it."

Then, they were gone.

Carmine studied the dopey grin on Lenny’s face. "You like her, don’t you?" he asked, jokingly.

"Yeah. I like her fine," said Lenny, in a dreamy tone of voice.

Carmine ran a hand across his forehead. He was surprised by how much he was perspiring. California heat, he thought. "C’mon, Len. Let’s go have us some fun."

"Not too much fun," cautioned Lenny. "You heard the girls."

"Yeah, yeah. I’ll be good. You’ll be good. ‘Course, our definition of good might not be quite the same as theirs."

"Really?"

"Just don’t worry about it. Let’s enjoy our last night as single men." Carmine put his hand in his jacket pocket, fumbling around until he found a scrap of paper. "The place we’re going is called Bucky Burgers."

Lenny looked at him. "That right?"

Carmine shrugged. "That’s what the invite from Squiggy says. Bucky Burgers doesn’t really sound like a bar or a club, does it?"

"No. It sure doesn’t."

"Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough. Here are the directions. I’ll drive."

Lenny zipped up his jacket and followed Carmine. It’s pretty chilly tonight, he thought. So much for California always being toasty warm.

"Welcome, gentlemen…and I use the term loosely tonight!" announced Squiggy.

"You have got to be joking," said Carmine, looking around the room.

Lenny just stood next to him in stunned silence.

"Pretty great, ain’t it?" said Squiggy, looking around in satisfaction.

"Pretty…great," managed Lenny.

"For a kiddy party!" snapped Carmine.

Bucky Burgers was a burger joint. No surprises there. But it catered to the under-ten crowd. A large, plastic, smiling deer with horns stood in front of the entrance. Inside, there were crepe streamers in blue and pink. Colorful cardboard signs that originally read ‘Happy Birthday,’ had their Happy Birthdays crossed out. In black marker, someone had written over them ‘Happy Bachlor Party.’ Small, fold-out chairs were clustered around a long table draped in blue and pink paper tablecloths. Plastic ware and paper plates were designated with tiny, rainbow place tags indicating where everyone should sit.

"Squig…" Lenny began. He hesitated. "Um, are we in the right place?"

"Sure, sure we are!" said Squiggy. "Look, there’s Mr. DeFazio, all ready for a wild night." He pointed to Frank. The older man was standing in a corner, looking just as glum as a man with a pointed paper hat with two antlers sticking out of it could look.

"Unbelievable," said Carmine, rubbing his eyes, then looking around again. "My last night of freedom, and I’m spending it in Romper Room."

"Aw, Carmine, don’t let the décor throw you," said Squiggy, putting his arm around Carmine’s shoulders. "We’ve got beer, we’ve got flicks, we’ve got all the ingredients for a first-rate bachelor party!"

Lenny looked at Carmine, helplessly. "He did try."

Carmine closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The pastels were making his stomachache worse. "Fine. Fine. You’re right, he tried." Carmine opened his eyes again and looked up. "Geeze, don’t you even know how to spell bachelor?" he muttered.

Ignoring him, Squiggy was already across the room, fiddling with a film projector. Another young man, who Carmine didn’t recognize, was pulling up a screen.

"Len, you know who that guy is?" he asked, quietly.

Lenny shook his head. "Nope. I thought he was a friend of yours."

Carmine looked around at the other men in the room. "No. I don’t know anyone else here, except you, Squig, and Mr. DeFazio over there. You?"

Lenny looked also. "Can’t say as I do," he admitted.

"Squiggy!" called Carmine.

"Yes, yes! I’ll have it working in a second!" snapped Squiggy, film spilling off the reel and over his hands.

"Forget about that. Who are these people?"

"Sh!" said Squiggy, looking around nervously. "They’re friends."

"Of who? They aren’t my friends or Lenny’s friends. What gives?" Carmine noticed one red haired fellow grinning at him, hefting a large mug of beer. Carmine gave him a half-hearted smile in return.

"No, I mean…well, they’re each others’ friends," said Squiggy, sounding less confident.

"Squig," said Lenny, gently. "What’s goin’ on here?"

Squiggy handed the unraveling film to a short man with glasses and walked back over to Lenny and Carmine. He hung his head a little. "I have a kind of confession to make," he said.

Carmine folded his arms. "This ought to be good."

"What is it, Squig?" asked Lenny.

"Well, I sort of neglected to remember to put together a bachelor party for you, Len. At least, until you mentioned it the other night." He flung his arms in the air. "Do you know how hard it is to reserve a bar with only a day’s notice? I couldn’t get anything anywhere!"

"Actually, I do know, because I’m not a nudnik," said Carmine.

"Cool it," said Lenny. To Squiggy, he said, "Don’t worry about it. This place is fine."

Squiggy looked up at him, hopefully. "Really? They specialize in last minute parties."

"For toddlers," grumbled Carmine.

Lenny shot him a look of annoyance.

Carmine glared back at him. "Yeah, right. I’m the idiot here," he snapped.

"Mr. DeFazio brought the beer, and that red-headed guy brought movies. He brought them for some guy Guido’s bachelor party across town, but I convinced him and these other guys that Guido was comin’ here. I figured, once they were all loaded, they’d never notice that the party was for you two and Guido wasn’t comin’."

"Brilliant," said Carmine, putting his head in his hands. "Can we go now?"

"I don’t want to go," said Lenny. "This is gonna be fun."

Carmine looked up at him. "Are you high?" he asked.

"No. At least, not yet." Lenny slapped Squiggy on the back. "Look, pal, you did the best you could in the time you had and it’s pretty okay. Who cares about decorations, or plastic deer, or misspelled signs…"

"…or a bunch of guys who don’t even know you?" added Carmine.

Lenny ignored him. "The important stuff is here. My best friend, my future father-in-law wearing a very funny hat, my friend-in-law to be, and, most of all, beer! What else do we need?"

Squiggy grinned at him broadly. "I knew you’d appreciate the subtleties. C’mon, four eyes!" he yelled at the guy fumbling with the film. "Let’s get this show on the road!"

As he walked away, Lenny turned back to Carmine, who was standing with his arms crossed, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Come on," Lenny pleaded. "He tried. It’s up to you. Are you gonna have a bad time tonight or are we gonna have a party?"

Carmine met his gaze. "Len, this is…" He paused, holding out his hands helplessly. "I mean, this is…I don’t even know what this is."

"Please?"

Carmine looked up at the ceiling, his hands dropping to his sides. "Len…okay. Fine. It’s not like there’s an alternative." He looked at Lenny, forcing a smile. "Let’s go have us a wild time at the Bucky Burger!"

"That’s the spirit!" said Lenny, slapping Carmine on the back. "C’mon, let’s go get a Bucky deluxe. They got melted cheese, onion, pickles, peppers…"

Carmine waved a hand in the air, the other pressed against his mouth. "Oh, Len," he said, voice muffled. "Please don’t talk about food. Food is not my friend these days."

"You still sick over tomorrow?" asked Lenny. "By the way, what was that whole panic attack back at the apartment building about?"

Carmine swallowed, hard, then took his hand away from his mouth. "You were gonna tell Shirley that I was sick because of the wedding. That’s all she needs to hear. She’d have gone to pieces. You should have seen how she bawled when I first told her about my sight going because of nerves. I don’t want her to think that I have any second thoughts at all. Which, of course, I don’t. At least, not anymore."

Lenny frowned. "You sure? I mean, who could blame you, with your family history."

Carmine looked away. "I’m done worrying about that."

"Okay, well, then what about the basics? You know, givin’ up your independence, never dating another woman again. You did date quite a bit over the years, buddy."

"Yeah, I sure did, didn’t I?" said Carmine, smiling at the memory. He caught Lenny’s suspicious look and shook his head. "But that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve got the girl I want. I don’t want any others."

"Well, what about the cost of it all? I mean, the wedding is just the beginning. There’s the honeymoon. Then the rent on a new place for just the two of you. Then there’s that first house. Then the kids come and they need diapers and food and…"

"You want to kill me, don’t you? You want me to have a heart attack and die right here at the Bucky Burgers."

"…then they might need to go to Catholic school, so’s they don’t grow up delinquent, and that comes with uniforms and tuition, and then college so they can do better than their old man who never really got anywhere," Lenny continued, staring off into space.

"Len? You still talking to me?" asked Carmine.

"Of course, all this time, you’ve got to get a new and bigger car for the family, all the while watching your beautiful wife spreads out and get fat from babies and she starts yelling at you about the promotion you didn’t get. Then, pretty soon, you’re sleeping on the couch for bein’ an underachiever…"

"Lenny? Yoo-hoo! Come back!" said Carmine, waving a hand in front of Lenny’s wide, blue eyes.

"Huh? Oh, sorry about that," said Lenny, his voice quavering.

"You okay, there? You look like I feel, all of a sudden."

"Boys?" said Frank, as he came up to them. He took off his hat. "I hope you’ll understand that I have to go home now."

"What’s wrong, Mr. DeFazio?" asked Carmine, concerned.

Frank gestured toward the room. "Not exactly my…what do you kids call it…my scene. Anyway, you guys have fun. But not too much!" he cautioned, shaking his finger under Lenny’s nose and glaring at Carmine.

They both bowed their heads. "Yes, sir," they said.

"Good. And goodbye." With that, he headed out the door.

Lenny gulped. "Where’s that beer?" he asked, looking around frantically. "I need beer!"

"Okay, pal. Calm down," said Carmine, patting Lenny on the shoulder. "Everything’s fine. Look, Squiggy is showing movies with naked girls. You want to see the nice girls, don’t you? Just look at them and relax. Breathe, Len."

Lenny tried to stop panting. He looked at the movie that was running. "Isn’t that one of those educational films we watched in high school?" he asked.

Carmine peered at the screen and sighed. "Great. At least by the end of the night, I’ll be prepared to become a woman." He nudged Lenny. "Come on, let’s sit down and have some brewskies. Unless, of course, that keg is actually filled with apple juice."

Lenny nodded absently and followed Carmine. He sat down in one of the little metal chairs and nearly flipped over onto his back.

Carmine sat next to him, pressing his hand against his stomach and trying to decide if beer would make it feel better or much, much worse. Then, he looked around the room again and decided that, in this situation, a little beer could only help.

On cue, Squiggy came over with two mugs. He handed one each to Lenny and Carmine. "Drink up, fellas. After all, once you’ve got wives to obey, you won’t be gettin’ out with the boys much anymore."

Lenny stared into his mug, as though it contained poison. "Yeah. I guess not."

Carmine took a little sip of beer. "You know, Squig, it’s not like we’re gonna get shot or something tomorrow. I mean, weddings are happy occasions."

"Yeah. Like going to jail!" he laughed.

"Jail. Cell walls. Closing in," murmured Lenny.

Carmine glanced at the tall young man. "Len?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. Just…thinking," Lenny took a large gulp of beer. Then another. Then he drained the glass. "I’ll have another, please," he said to Squiggy, holding out his mug.

"That’s the spirit!" enthused Squiggy, slapping him on the back. He took the mug and went back to the keg.

"Lenny? Are you okay?" asked Carmine. "You look kinda…pale."

"I’m fine," said Lenny, a little too quickly. "Just excited, that’s all. Ha. Ha. Whee."

"Yeah. All right then." Carmine glanced back at the screen, grimaced, then turned away to look at the door. "Oh, wow," he said.

"What? Did one of the high school girls take off her shirt?" asked the red-haired stranger behind him.

"No," said Carmine. "And, for the record? Ew! Get away from me."

"What is it, Carmine?" asked Lenny, taking the beer mug from a newly-returned Squiggy.

"It’s Sonny," said Squiggy, looking toward the door.

"What are you talkin’ about, Squig? It’s nighttime," said Lenny, downing the second mug.

"No, not sunny, Len," said Carmine. "Sonny. It’s Sonny."

Lenny turned around, mouth dropping open. "Oh, wow. It is Sonny."

A very tall, darkly handsome man stepped into the Bucky Burgers. He looked around the room until he spotted Lenny, Carmine, and Squiggy, then waved at them as he came over.

Carmine jumped to his feet. Then, just as quickly, he sat down again.

Lenny stood up, swaying slightly. "How ya been, Sonny?" he asked, holding out his hand.

Sonny looked at it a moment before shaking it. "Just fine, Lenny," he said. "Yourself?"

"Great, great. Couldn’t be better. I’m getting married tomorrow," Lenny said, nodding with excessive enthusiasm.

"Yes. So I heard."

"Hey, Sonny, where’ve ya been?" asked Squiggy. He handed Lenny another mug of beer with one hand, shaking Sonny’s hand with the other.

"Well that’s kind of…Carmine? Is there something wrong?"

Carmine stood up again, much more slowly this time. "No…no. Me? I’m fit as a fiddle." He smiled and slapped Sonny on the shoulder. "Hey, it’s great to see you again, pal! It’s been awhile now."

Sonny nodded. "I’ve been kind of busy. Traveling around, taking stunt jobs all over the country. I just needed to get away from California, you know? I needed a break from…everything."

Carmine nodded. "Everyone needs time alone once in awhile, to get their head together."

Lenny downed his third beer in a single swallow. "Yep. Alone time. Can’t say enough about alone time."

"Right. So, Carmine, you’re finally tying the knot with Shirley? Congratulations, my friend," said Sonny.

Carmine ducked his head, a sheepish smile on his face. "Yeah, well, it was long overdue. I finally got it through my thick skull that Shirley was all I wanted in this world."

"Oh, Carmine, you sweet talker you," said Lenny, teasingly, his words slurring slightly.

"And look at you, Lenny," said Sonny, contemplatively. "You’re actually going to marry Laverne. I never thought you two would get together. Not in a million years."

Lenny playfully punched Sonny in the arm. "Yep. Well, we did. Totally, completely, permanently, forever, tied, bound, gagged…what were we saying?"

"You’re marrying Laverne."

"Right! Exactly!" Lenny took a small step forward, then wobbled under Sonny’s nose. "Marrying. Laverne. Me. And her, of course. Married."

Carmine looked at Lenny, scanning him from head to toe. "Len, maybe you’ve had enough," he said.

"What, are you kiddin’ me?" asked Lenny. "I’ve only just begun." He looked around the room, waving his hands in the air. "C’mon! Is this a party or what?" he shouted.

The strange men in the room cheered enthusiastically. One yelled, "You tell ‘em, Guido!"

Squiggy handed another beer to Lenny. "You still on your first?" he asked Carmine, shaking his head in disapproval. "What are you, my grandmother?"

Carmine looked down into his mug. It was still almost full. He put it down on the table. "Excuse me," he said. "I’ll be right back." Then he strolled quickly toward the men’s room.

"What’s with him?" asked Sonny.

"Nerves," said Lenny. "Sometimes he goes blind, sometimes he upchucks. He’s a neurotic mess, if you want the truth." Lenny returned to chugging.

"Wow. Things have changed since I’ve been away," commented Sonny. He looked back at Lenny. "People, too. Say, Len, has Laverne changed much since I’ve been away?"

Lenny shrugged. "Not really. Other than finally realizing I wasn’t a slimy slug to be squashed under her shoe and deciding to marry me. Other than that…no."

Sonny scratched his head and laughed without humor. "Well, that alone tells me she’s not the woman I left."

"What do you mean?" asked Squiggy, suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing. I mean, I did leave, right? People don’t stop changing just because you leave. They don’t just sit around and wait, missing you, wondering…"

Lenny, despite his increasing inebriation, started to feel concerned. "Sonny, you didn’t leave Laverne. I mean, you left, yeah. But it’s not like you and Laverne…"

Sonny just looked at him, no statement on his face.

"I mean," said Lenny, mustering a shaky laugh. "It’s not like you and Laverne were, you know, goin’ out or…or…"

"…or were you?" asked Squiggy bluntly. "Were you and Laverne an item?"

"No," said Sonny.

"Oh. Oh, good. Geeze, you were scarin’ me there," said Lenny. He chugged another beer, relieved.

"I mean, an item implies that other people know you’re together. And none of you knew anything was going on between us, did you?" asked Sonny, quietly.

"I..um…" said Lenny, swallowing hard.

"It’s not like she and I went out on lots of dates. Not publicly at least," Sonny went on, his eyes locked on Lenny’s. "We didn’t have a commitment between us, like you and she do now."

"Th..that’s wight. Right. We’re comtitted…committer…together," managed Lenny.

"Of course. That’s what she always wanted really. A man to make a real commitment to her. If you love me as much as you say you do, you’d make it official, she used to tell me. Only I wasn’t ready. At least, not back then."

Lenny felt his stomach drop into his shoes. The pleasant buzz of alcohol was rapidly becoming something less enjoyable. "What’re you sayin’ over here, Sonny?" he asked.

"Nothing, Len. Nothing at all. I mean, it isn’t like Laverne hasn’t made her decision. It may be an uninformed decision, but…there it is." Sonny leaned closer to Lenny, putting his mouth right next to his ear. "You’re a very lucky man," he whispered. "Really. A very, very, very lucky man."

Lenny shoved Sonny away. "You betcher sweet patootie I am!" he snapped, swaying, his hands tightening into fists. "And there ain’t no one whose gonna get in my way!"

Squiggy waved to the other men in the room. "Fight! Fight!" he hollered.

They turned away from the movie and began to cluster around Lenny and Sonny. Money was passed around as bets were placed on the victor.

Sonny folded his thick, muscular arms casually. "Now, Len, calm down," he said, his tone somewhat taunting. "It’s not like I came here to pick a fight. I just wanted to wish the guy who picked up the pieces for me the best."

Lenny staggered toward Sonny. "I ain’t nobody’s pieces picker-upper, pal," he sneered. "I’m the guy whose gonna kick your butt, pass out in the bathroom, then wake up and get married to Lavane DeFerzio…I mean Lavinnia DeFizio…aw, you know who I mean!"

As Lenny got within striking distance, Carmine stumbled back into the room. He surveyed the scene, then ran up and got between the two men. "Whoa, guys, hang on there!" he said, his hands against Sonny’s stomach and Lenny’s chest. "What do you think you’re doing? We’re all friends here!"

"You’re my friend, Carmine. And Squig, he’s my friend. But this guy? He’s the guy what came back to get in the way of me and Laverne!" shouted Lenny. "That ain’t happening, not while I can do somethin’ about it!"

"What are you gonna do, bleed on him?" asked Carmine, pushing Lenny back. "Have you seen Sonny? He’ll pound you into the floor like a two-cent nail!"

"I don’t care! I’m gonna defend my woman!" cried Lenny, trying to swing at Sonny around Carmine. "I’ve been workin’ out…you know that. I can take ‘im!"

Sonny shook his head. "Carmine, I’m sorry. I know this is supposed to be a party for you, too. I guess ol’ Len here just couldn’t help getting loaded and paranoid."

"Paranoid? Paranoid! I’ll show you paranoid!" Lenny swung again.

Carmine let go of Sonny, confident the large man wasn’t going to make a move. He put both hands against Lenny’s chest and shoved him back. "Stop it, Len! You’re acting like a little kid."

Lenny stumbled backward, nearly losing his footing. He dropped into one of the foldout chairs. "You don’t understand, Carmine," he insisted, trying to get back up, but failing.

"Carmine, it’s okay," interrupted Sonny. "Maybe I should go. After all, you guys have a big day ahead of you tomorrow and I don’t want to give poor Lenny here insomnia. You know," and he looked straight at Lenny as he continued. "When you’re up all night, worrying and wondering if you’re the best man for your girl? If you can make her as happy as someone else might? If you can make her happy the way he did?"

Lenny launched himself out of the chair and charged at Sonny, head down. He nailed him in the stomach, bowling Sonny over and falling on top of him. Lenny started throwing punches wildly, most of which Sonny deflected.

"Oh, crud," muttered Carmine. He resolutely jumped onto Lenny’s back and tried to tug him off Sonny. "Cut it out!" he cried. "Or else!"

"Or. Else. What?" asked Lenny, between punches.

"Or else I’ll…I don’t know…" Carmine clenched his teeth. "Or else I’ll puke all over you? Yeah, that’s it. You wouldn’t like that, would you Len. So, just stop it. Now!"

Lenny considered it, as Carmine finally succeeded in dragging him backward off of Sonny. "No. That would be bad," he decided.

"Good. Then please stop making me do this," begged Carmine, his arms wrapped around Lenny’s neck.

Lenny nodded.

Meanwhile, half of the men in the room sighed and gave money to the other half.

At the same time, Sonny rose to his feet. He was mostly undamaged, except for a slight rumpling of his clothes. He gave Lenny a taut little smile, then socked him right in the eye.

"Hey!" said Carmine, jumping back as Lenny fell over. "That was completely unnecessary," he added, looking at Sonny with a mixture of anger and nausea.

Squiggy glared at Sonny. He stepped toward him menacingly, then thought better of it and walked over to Lenny instead. "Get out of here, you big bully you!" he ordered.

Sonny raised his hands in the air, stepping back. "Sorry. Sorry, again. But he attacked me, after all."

"Yeah, but, geeze," said Carmine, kneeling beside Lenny, fanning his face with his hand. "It’s not like he hurt you. Besides, I already had him under control."

Sonny nodded, apologizing without looking terribly sorry. "I know. I’m leaving. I’m really sorry, Carmine. Have a good day tomorrow, y’hear?" With that he turned and strolled out again.

"It’s a good thing he left," said Squiggy. "I was just about to punish him but good."

Carmine looked at him. "Shut up, Squig." he said wearily. "Just help me get Lenny up."

"Owwww," moaned Lenny from the floor.

"Are you broken?" asked Squiggy, kneeling beside his friend.

"Squig?" mumbled Lenny, holding his hand over his left eye. "Am I dead?"

"Yes you are," said Squiggy, sadly.

"No, he isn’t!" snapped Carmine. He tugged Lenny into a sitting position. "Lenny, are you hurt? I mean, badly?"

Lenny thought about it. "Maybe," he said.

Carmine held up two fingers in front of Lenny’s open eye. "How many fingers do you see?" he asked.

Lenny stared. "Seventeen," he declared.

Carmine shook his head. "Oh, boy. Come on, let’s get you home and into bed. Squig, help me, please."

Squiggy and Carmine pulled Lenny to his feet, steadying him to the best of their ability. Carmine put one of Lenny’s arms around his shoulders and Squiggy held him by the other. They led him slowly toward the door.

"Thanks for the party, Squig," said Lenny, looking down at him with one eye. The other was already starting to swell shut.

"Don’t mention it," said Squiggy.

"Bye, Guido!" called the red-haired stranger, waving after them wildly.

When Lenny woke up the next morning, he immediately wished he hadn’t. His head throbbed, his stomach was churning, and he could only open his right eye. He lay on his bed and moaned loudly. "Squig!"

Squiggy came in the room, tugging on his tuxedo trousers. "Oh, you are alive after all," he commented. "How you feelin’?"

"Kill me please," begged Lenny.

"Maybe later," said Squiggy. "Right now, we’ve got a chapel we should be going to."

Lenny sat bolt upright in bed. "Oh, my God," he exclaimed. "My wedding!" Then, he fell back on the bed.

Squiggy pulled Lenny’s rented tuxedo out of his closet and tossed it across his prone body. "Get up, get dressed, get goin’," he ordered. "We’re gonna be late for your nups."

"I can’t do this," said Lenny.

"Sure, you can. Just put on your pants, then the shirt…it’s easy."

"No, Squig. I don’t mean get dressed. I know how to do that." Lenny rolled onto his side. "I mean, I can’t get married today."

Squiggy paused in the middle of buttoning his shirt. "Exqueeze me?"

Lenny didn’t move. "You heard me."

Squiggy walked over to the bed and stood over Lenny. "Yes, I heard you. But what you said didn’t make sense. Today is your wedding day. But that only works if you are there to get wed. So, get up…"

"No!" shouted Lenny, then he winced and continued in a softer tone. "I’m not getting married. Not today, not any other day. The wedding is off."

Squiggy planted his fists on his hips. "You can’t just say it and make it so. There’s a woman downstairs right now putting on a fancy white dress and a veil and expecting to see you at the end of the aisle. You don’t get to let her down. Not after all these years of wanting her and wishing for her. I won’t let you screw this up!"

Lenny looked up at Squiggy. "I’m doing this so’s I don’t screw her up. That’s the most important thing to me."

"You lost me."

Lenny sighed, heavily. "Look, just trust me, okay? This is the right thing. Sure, she may be a little hurt today…"

"A little hurt!"

"…but she’ll get over it. One day, she’ll thank me for it." Lenny put his pillow over his head.

Squiggy glared at him. "So. What do you expect me to do here?"

"Tell her I’m not comin’."

"No."

"Squiggy…"

"I said no! No way! Not for all the tea in Tennessee!" yelled Squiggy.

"Fine. Don’t tell her," said Lenny. "She’ll figure it out soon enough when I don’t show. Oh, but Squig…I’m supposed to be standin’ up for Carmine, too. You do that for me, will you? Tell him I’m sorry."

Squiggy shook his head and marched around the room. "You. Can’t. Do. This! It’s wrong, I tell you, just plain wrong!" Squiggy whirled around, stamped back over to Lenny, and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Get up, man! Get up, get in that penguin suit, and get to that church, or I’ll wipe up the floor with you!"

Lenny reached up and pushed Squiggy halfway across the room. "Leave me alone!" he shouted, wincing again at his own voice.

Squiggy caught himself against a chair, then straightened up haughtily. "Fine. Lie in bed like a lox. Lose the best chance at happiness you’ve ever had. See if I care!" He turned and stomped out of the room.

Once in the living room, Squiggy glanced behind him, then quickly ran over to the telephone.

Carmine sat bolt upright in bed, startled by the sound of his phone ringing. Oh, my God. This is it. Shirley’s calling me to tell me she’s changed her mind, he thought. He reached over and grabbed the phone.

"Carmine?"

"Oh, Squig. I’m so glad it’s you," Carmine said, relieved.

"That’s a first," said Squiggy. "Listen, Carmine, we’ve got an emergency situation over here. I need you to tell me what to do."

"Squig, I told you. Tell Lenny to put a steak on his eye and it’ll take the swelling right away. We’ve got…" he glanced at his alarm clock. "Four hours until the ceremony. It’ll be fine by then."

"That’s great, that’s great, but that’s not the problem," said Squiggy, frantically. "Lenny says he’s not going."

"Not going? Not going where?" Carmine rubbed his eyes. "Squig, look, I need you to make sense. I was up all night and my brain’s operating at about half capacity."

"You heard me," said Squiggy, speaking extremely slowly. "Lenny. Isn’t.Going. To. His. Wedding. Carmine."

Carmine held the phone away from his ear for a moment, then put it back. "I’m sorry, Squig. I thought you just said that Lenny wasn’t going to his own wedding."

He heard Squiggy groan on the other end of the phone. "You’re operatin’ at more like one-third capacity, ain’t you Carmine?" he snarled. "I did say that. Lenny is backing out of his wedding to Laverne. He’s gonna stay in bed instead."

"Squiggy, if this is your idea of a joke, it’s a pretty sick one," said Carmine.

"I’m not joking! Lenny says it’s for Laverne’s own good, whatever the heck that means. What should I do? I mean, I was planning to hit him over the head with somethin’ and drag him to the church, except he might be a little heavy for me alone."

"No! Squig, don’t…don’t do anything." Carmine got out of bed. "I’ll be right there."

"Really? Oh, good," said Squiggy, sounding relieved. "How fast can you get here?"

Carmine grabbed the wall and kept himself from falling. He felt awful, worse than even the day before. "As…as fast as I can, Squig. Don’t worry."

"Thanks, Carmine. You’re a real pal." With that, Squiggy hung up.

Carmine tried to hang up the phone, but missed the cradle two or three times before succeeding. He pressed a hand against his forehead. "What the heck is wrong with me?" he asked himself. "This is more than nerves." He shook his head, then groped his way to the closet. Whatever his problem was, it was a lot less important than getting Lenny to the church on time. More to the point, to the church at all.

"Why can’t anything in our lives be easy? Why can’t one thing just happen the way it’s supposed to, like it does for other people?" he muttered to himself, tugging on his clothes. "Does everything have to be a damned adventure?"

"This is it, Laverne," said Shirley. "Today, we embark on the adventure of our lives."

"That’s awfully dramatic of you," Laverne replied. "Big deal, we’re getting married. People do it everyday.

Shirley tugged on her lacy, white hose. "Yes, but those people aren’t us. How come you aren’t more excited? A girl only has one wedding day." She stood up and admired her gown, draped carefully across two kitchen chairs. "Everything has to be wonderful, magical…perfect," she sighed.

Laverne picked up her wedding dress, tossed casually over her bed, and stepped into it. "Aw, Shirl, come on. Nothing’s perfect. Let’s just set our sights on something more realistic, for once. Like not-too-disastrous."

"No, Laverne. Not today," said Shirley, daintily stepping into her dress. "Today, you don’t get to tease me about high hopes or landing balloons or anything at all. I’ve dreamt about this day since I was a little, tiny girl and it will be perfect and you will not get in the way of that or else I’ll…I’ll…I’ll scold you very firmly!"

"Okay, okay, I wouldn’t want that," said Laverne, holding up her hands in mock fear. "There. How do I look?" She whirled around for Shirley to see.

Shirley looked at her and sighed. "Oh, Vernie. You are a vision."

"Really?" Laverne smiled shyly at her friend. "Well, right back at you, Shirl. You look like a fairy princess."

"I do? Oh, I do, don’t I?" Shirley pirouetted happily. "Do you think Carmine will be bowled over when he sees me?"

"Shirl, you’re gonna knock him right off his feet," Laverne reassured her.

The girls took turns, fastening the elaborate buttons and hooks at the back of each other’s dress. Laverne was wearing a slim, lacy, long gown three quarter length sleeves. It had a modest train attached by a bow to the back.

Shirley had opted for a gown with a fitted, sleeveless bodice, dotted with crystal beads. The skirt was a wide, floor-length organza over a taffeta petticoat. It flared out from her tiny waist, making it look as though she were rising out of a cloud.

Laverne looked at her hair in the mirror. "Aw, geeze, Shirl," she moaned. "My hair looks like a rat’s nest over here. What should I do with it?"

"Relax," said Shirley. "Edna will help you with it in the bride’s room at the church. She promised to do our hair to go with our veils right before the ceremony."

"Oh, that’s right. Good," said Laverne. "Well, I guess we’re ready to go."

Shirley hesitated. "Yes. I guess we should."

"Shirl? You aren’t havin’ any second thoughts are you? I mean, it’s a little late in the game for those."

Shirley shook her head. "No, of course not. It’s just…I hope Carmine isn’t."

"Aw, Shirl. How can you even wonder? The guy’s head over heels for you. It’s obvious."

"You really think so?"

"I know it. His eyes glow when he looks at you," said Laverne.

"You mean, when he can see out of them."

"Shirl, he’s past all that now."

"Is he? Is he really, Laverne?" Shirley began to pace. "I mean, what does it mean when the fella who proposes to you periodically goes blind at the thought of actually going through with the wedding? And, I’ve had the feeling this past week that something else is wrong. He’s looked sort of pale and shaky. Like he’s scared to death."

Laverne shrugged. "Of course he’s scared. I am. Aren’t you? I mean, this is a big step we’re all taking together. Marriage. For ever and ever, on and on…sound familiar to you?"

"I thought you were the relaxed one," said Shirley, raising an eyebrow at her. "Didn’t you just say that this goes on every day?"

"I am. It does. And, if I say it out loud enough, over and over again, I might actually start to believe it." Laverne smiled at her broadly. "Shirl, the truth is my heart’s going pitty-pat. But not because I’m nervous."

"Why, then?"

"Because I’m happy. Super happy. I’ve never felt so happy in all my life."

Shirley smiled at her, gently. "Oh, Vernie. I’m so glad for you." She thought for a moment. "I’m glad for me too. I just hope that Carmine is as sure about this as you and me and Lenny are."

"He is," said Laverne, confidently. "Whatever other…issues…Carmine had are behind him now. You’ll see. He’ll be dancin’ down that aisle today."

"I hope you’re right," said Shirley.

"C’mon. Let’s get going or he and Lenny are gonna wind up marrying each other." Laverne picked up her veil and little white purse and walked down the stairs.

Shirley picked up her veil and a small white envelope, then resolutely and followed her. "I don’t think they can do that, Vernie."

Laverne glanced back at her over her shoulder. "Shirl, this is California."

"Oh. Right," Shirley agreed. "I forgot."

"Carmine. You didn’t knock your knock," said Squiggy.

"I forgot. I’m a little distracted, what with my best man skipping out on my wedding. And his." Carmine stepped into Lenny and Squiggy’s apartment, tugging at his black bow tie.

"Wow, you look spiffy," complimented Squiggy. "Except, your face is a little…"

"What? What’s wrong with my face? I shaved," said Carmine, patting his cheeks.

"It’s kind of green," said Squiggy, squinting at him. "That’s not your usual shade, Carmine."

"Yeah, well, never mind that. Where’s your lunatic roommate?" Carmine looked around the room, then marched over to Lenny’s bedroom. "Lenny? Leonard Kosnowksi? Where are you, you son of a…" He peered inside, then came back into the living room. "Squig, where is he?"

Squiggy shrugged. "He runned away."

Carmine did a double take. "What did you just say?"

"Lenny runned away. I guess he slipped out while I was on the phone with you." Squiggy shrugged helplessly. "I knew I shoulda hit him over the head."

"Maybe I should have let you," said Carmine. "Squiggy, this is very important. Where do you think he went?"

"I know it’s important, Carmine. Hence my callin’ you for help. And I have no idea where he might have gone."

Carmine slapped his forehead and slumped onto the couch. "This is a disaster," he groaned. "I can’t show up and marry Shirley while Laverne is left standing alone at the altar. What the hell was he thinking?"

"I can’t begin to tell you," said Squiggy, plunking down on the sofa next to him.

Carmine thought hard. "What exactly did he say to you before you called me?"

"A whole lot of stuff that didn’t make any sense."

"Such as?"

"Somethin’ strange about not getting married being the best thing for Laverne. That if he didn’t show it would only hurt a little, but if he went ahead with it, it would hurt worse…something like that. I told you, he wasn’t makin’ no sense."

Carmine nodded. "I see."

"You see what? You understand what he was babblin’ about?"

"I think so. At least, I have an idea." Carmine stood up carefully. "I’ve got to find Lenny and get through to him. Or else he’s gonna let his rampant insecurity ruin his whole life." Carmine looked down at Squiggy. "You know, he’s kind of a neurotic fellow, deep down inside."

"Funny," said Squiggy. "He said the same about you."

"He did? I’m not neurotic! I mean, well, I’m hardly neurotic at all. Especially compared to him. Who is he to say…"

"Carmine? You wanna stand here and try to convince me that you’re the picture of mental health, or you want to find Lenny?"

Carmine considered it. "Point taken. But where do we begin?"

Squiggy tapped his chin with his forefinger. "Well, I guess we should go wherever Lenny would go when he wants to think about things."

"And that would be? A bar, the Pizza Bowl Too…?"

"Maybe so, maybe so," said Squiggy, thoughtfully. Then, he snapped his fingers. "I’ve got it! The La Brea tar pits!"

"What?"

"Yeah, that’s gotta be it." Squiggy jumped to his feet and began tugging at Carmine’s sleeve. "C’mon, get up. He always says the smell of tar helps him relax. That’s where he would have gone, I’m sure of it!"

"Fine. The tar pits it is." Carmine walked over the door, then paused and turned back to Squiggy. "Squig, I need you to do me a favor."

"What is it?" asked Squiggy suspiciously.

"I need you to go to the church and stall. Stall like you’ve never stalled before. And make sure the girls don’t catch on to there being a problem, especially Laverne. Do you think you can do that?"

"Of course I can. I’m a master of holdin’ up the show. But, shouldn’t I be goin’ with you to talk sense into Lenny?"

"No," said Carmine. "I’ll take care of Lenny. He will be at that church today, this I promise you. But it’s really important that you keep everyone from knowing that there’s a problem. It’s a big assignment I’m giving you, Squig. Tell me, are you up to it?"

Squiggy looked at him and saluted. "Yes, sir!" he said. "You can count on me!"

"Great," said Carmine, without much confidence. "I knew I could." He took a deep breath and glanced at his watch. "I’ll see you in about an hour and a half."

"I knew it. I knew this would happen!" wailed Shirley.

"Shirl, what is your problem? Squiggy just said…"

"I know what he just said! Carmine has a flat tire and he and Lenny are gonna be late!" She stomped back and forth in the vestibule. "I knew that he would find a way to get out of it."

"Who? Out of what?" asked Laverne, confused.

"Carmine! Out of our wedding!"

"Shirley, geeze. I don’t think Carmine has the power to control flat tires," said Laverne.

"He does! He probably stuck a nail in it. Anything to get out of marrying me." Shirley began to cry. "Why couldn’t he just have been up front and told me he made a mistake proposing? Why torture me for almost a year, thinking we were finally going to be together? How could he be so cruel?"

Edna put her arms around Shirley. "There, there, dear. You’re going to ruin your makeup."

"Shirl, you’re jumping to awfully big conclusions here," said Laverne. "All Squiggy said is that Carmine’s car has a flat. He’s still coming. After all, Lenny will carry him here on his back if he has to. He’s not going to let anything or anyone get in the way of our day."

Shirley sniffed. "You think so? You think I’m being a Panicky Polly?"

"Yes. Yes I do. Come on, let’s go spiffy you back up. Edna?"

Edna led Shirley back toward the bridal room. "Come on, sweetheart. I’ll personally make sure that Frank swats Carmine like a bug if he doesn’t appear with bells on."

"You promise?" Shirley sobbed. "Oh, that’s so sweet."

Laverne watched her go, then turned back to Squiggy. He was tucking the small white envelope Shirley had handed him earlier into his pocket.

Laverne grabbed him by the lapels. "Okay, she’s gone. Now, tell me what’s really goin’ on here."

Squiggy chuckled nervously. "I told you. They got a flat, is all."

"You are lying," pronounced Laverne. "I can see it in your squinty little eyes. Are Lenny and Carmine okay?"

"Yes. Absolutely. They are both perfectly fine. Well, Carmine’s lookin’ a little peaked, and Lenny’s eye…oops." Squiggy slapped a hand over his mouth.

Laverne lifted him a little higher, so that he was standing on tiptoe. "I knew it," she said, through gritted teeth. "Spill it, Squig, or so help me I’ll…"

"Not in the face, not in the face!" he squealed. "Okay, I’ll tell ya. I’ll tell ya…what will I tell ya?"

"The truth, Squiggy. Right now!"

"Yeah, right." He put his right hand behind his back and crossed his fingers. "Okay, here it is. The truth. The whole truth. Nothin’ but, so help me…somebody."

"Squig…quit stalling!" Laverne warned.

"Right. Okay. Here it is." He took a deep breath. "The truth is, Carmine’s feeling a little hung over, y’know, from the big party last night and Lenny took him to get some stomach medicine before coming here. See, Carmine didn’t want to mess up Shirley’s shoes or nothin’, so Len was generous enough to take him to the five and dime to help out."

Laverne stared into his eyes. Squiggy deliberately widened them and thought innocent thoughts.

"Really? That’s it?"

"Yeah. That’s it," said Squiggy, nodding.

"What about Lenny’s eye?"

"What about it?"

"You said something was wrong with Lenny’s eye. What’s that about? Is he all right?"

Squiggy thought for a moment. "Well, he was so excited this morning, you know, because he’s marrying you and all and that makes him nothin’ but happy of course. Well, he jumped into his tux pants and fell over and bumped his…eye."

"What? Is he okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Sure. Just a little bruise is all. Why, he’s gonna get some makeup at the five and dime to cover it."

"Really? Lenny’s gonna wear makeup to our wedding?" asked Laverne, releasing Squiggy’s collar.

Squiggy shrugged. "Why not? I mean, yeah, you know. He wants to look perfect for you. On account of his bein’ so in love with you and lookin’ forward to today and stuff."

Laverne smiled, slowly. "Awww. That’s so sweet of him. What a great guy."

"Yeah, he’s a regular prince," said Squiggy, straightening his tuxedo jacket.

"I mean, what a guy, huh? Helping poor Carmine, whose a bundle of nerves, and makin’ sure he looks all pretty for me. I’m a lucky girl, Squiggy." Laverne sniffled a little.

Squiggy looked at her. "Yeah. You’re blessed," he said.

"I am. Look, Squig, I’m sorry I rumpled you and all. It’s a stressful day, you know?" She reached down and helped smooth out the wrinkles in his jacket. "Thanks for bein’ straight with me."

Squiggy stirred uncomfortably. "Don’t mention it. No problem. Now, I’ve got to go and practice walkin’ up and down the aisle."

"Sure. I’ll see you soon. I’m gonna go help Shirley straighten herself out. Poor thing. If only Carmine was as secure and confident as Lenny." She turned, gathered up her train, and walked off toward the bride’s room.

Squiggy sighed, leaning back against the wall of the vestibule in relief. "Okay, Carmine. I did my part," he said to himself. "Now, it’s your turn."

Carmine ran into the tar pits, gasping. He had chosen to go on foot, rather than drive. Between his ever-increasing nausea and rampant hot and cold flashes, he decided that getting behind the wheel of a car was less than a good idea. He was carrying his tuxedo jacket, bow tie, and formal white shirt over his arm, wearing only the tuxedo pants and a tee-shirt. I hope I don’t stink after all this, he thought.

He looked around frantically until he spotted the blond young man sitting next to one of the pits. Lenny was staring into the muck, a very sad look on his face. His left eye was black and blue and he was dressed in sweat pants and an old tee shirt. He certainly didn’t look like a groom on his wedding day. He looked more like a prisoner heading to the electric chair.

"So. You want me to shove you in there and get it over with?" asked Carmine, trying to catch his breath as he approached.

Lenny didn’t even look up. "You shouldn’t be here," he said. "You should be at the church by now."

"I’m not the only one." Carmine eased himself onto the bench next to Lenny.

They sat there, side by side, in silence. Finally, Carmine said, "What are you doing, Len?"

Lenny continued to stare into the tar pit. "I’m doin’ what’s right for Laverne. I’m letting her go."

"Oh, right. Of course. Because every woman dreams of being left at the altar on her wedding day."

"Carmine, you of all people should understand."

"Yet I don’t. So, enlighten me. Only do it in…" Carmine checked his watch. "Less than twenty minutes."

Lenny shook his head. "You were there last night, Carmine. You heard Sonny. He’s here and he’s back for Laverne. He’s ready to give her everything I can’t."

"Which is?"

"A tall, dark, handsome stud of a husband, whose a successful stuntman. A smart, successful guy who came back just for her. A guy she’s apparently been pining away for the past coupla years since he left."

Carmine nodded. "Yeah, I can see that. So, you’re doing this because you want her to go be with Sonny?"

"Well, not want. But it’s what she wants, I’m sure. After all, if you had a choice between Sonny and me, who would you pick?" Lenny picked up a small rock and tossed it into the tar pit.

"That’s true. After all, what have you got to offer her?"

Lenny looked at Carmine out of the corner of his eye. "Not much," he said.

"So, you figure you’re gonna leave Laverne at the altar, and that way Sonny is free to swoop in and mend her broken heart. Then they can run off together and live happily ever after."

"Somethin’ like that, yeah." Lenny looked even more miserable. "She’ll thank me for it…someday. Reunitin’ her with her true love."

"Okay," said Carmine. "That’s swell of you, Lenny. Very self-sacrificing. Except for one thing."

"What’s that?"

"You’re a bonehead!" Carmine shouted. "You’re a complete numbskull! What the hell is wrong with you, thinking you have the right to play God with Laverne’s life?"

Lenny turned to face Carmine. "Hey, don’t call me names. I feel bad enough as it is."

"Oh, you feel bad? You do? Well, good! Because there is not enough bad in this world for you to feel to make up for what you are about to do!" Carmine stood up, waving his hands in frustration. "Whatever you are feeling is not even close to the heartache you are going to cause poor Laverne by not showing up at that church today!"

"You think? Naw, you’re wrong, Carmine. She might be a little unhappy, but once she knows that Sonny is here for her, she’ll be like, ‘Lenny, who?’"

Carmine stood squarely in front of him. "You really don’t think too highly of Laverne, do you?"

Lenny looked up at Carmine, shocked. "Of course I do! I think so highly of her it makes my head hurt. How can you say that?"

"Because. If you think that Laverne is so shallow, that her love for you is so easily pushed aside, then you don’t know her at all. Geeze, I’m just her friend and I know her better than that! She’s a girl who loves with her whole heart. She doesn’t take commitments lightly. And she can’t just trade in one guy for another. If you think she can, then…" Carmine turned his back on Lenny.

"Then what? Go on, say it, Carmine."

"Then you don’t deserve her at all. In which case, I should just leave you here, wallowing in misery like the dinosaurs wallowed in the tar, until they drowned in it." Carmine turned back to face Lenny, outraged. "You obviously aren’t the man I thought you were. Have a good life…alone!" With that, Carmine started to leave.

"Wait!"

Carmine paused, without looking back at him.

"Carmine, I’m only doing this because I love her so much. I love her enough to let her go and be happy with a better man," said Lenny, his voice choked with unshed tears. "Can’t you understand that?"

Carmine folded his arms and turned around. "No. I can’t. I can’t understand how hurting a woman you claim to love so much is a good thing." Carmine looked at the stricken statement on Lenny’s face and his voice softened. "Look, Lenny, why do you assume Sonny is the better man for Laverne? Or a better man than you, period? I mean, it’s pretty clear from what he pulled last night that he’s not the same guy who left two years ago. This Sonny is, well, frankly kind of a creep."

"You think?" asked Lenny, hopefully. Then he shook his head. "No, he was just being passionate. He loves her, he wants her, and he can give her so much."

"Like what? You mean, things? A fancy car, a nice house, jewelry…stuff like that?" asked Carmine.

"Yeah. All of that. Plus, he’s not someone she’d be ashamed to take to a fancy party or out with friends. Someone who isn’t a joke, like me. I bet Mr. DeFazio would be callin’ him son just like that, he’d be so proud." Lenny snapped his fingers, then ran a hand quickly over his eyes, brushing away the tears he hoped Carmine couldn’t see.

But, Carmine did. He walked over to Lenny and put his hand on the unhappy man’s shoulder. "Lenny," he said, his voice quiet. "You can’t really think so little of yourself, can you? I mean, geeze, I wouldn’t even be here, about to get married in…" Carmine glanced at his watch. "…ten minutes. Oh, nuts. Okay, I’m no psychiatrist, but I’m gonna give you my two cents’ worth just as fast as possible. Ready?"

"Go for it," said Lenny.

"Here it goes. Lenny Kosnowski, you are a good guy. No, scratch that. You’re a great guy. You’re a loyal friend, you’re brave when it counts, and you’re kind to everybody. Hell, you think Squiggy would have a friend on earth without you around? He’d be in an institution, quivering in the corner, if he didn’t have you for a best friend. You think you’re such a loser, but you couldn’t be more wrong. You work hard, you put everybody’s feelings but your own first, and most importantly, you love Laverne with your whole heart and soul.

"And listen to me closely now, because this is the kicker: Laverne loves you completely. She doesn’t love Sonny, and I personally doubt she ever did. You are the man for her, in every way. She doesn’t want riches, she doesn’t want popular, and she doesn’t want Sonny. She wants you, only you, forever and ever, amen.

"And that’s all I’ve got." Carmine held out his hands, palms up. "I only hope it’s enough to convince you, because short of getting down on my knees and begging, I can’t think of any other way to get you to that church on…or at least close to…time. So, Len." He took a deep breath. "What do you say?"

Lenny looked at him. "Carmine, you really mean all that? You really think I’m good enough for a woman like Laverne? That she won’t regret what she does today…assuming we do it, that is."

Carmine held his head in his hands. "Aaarrrggghhh," he groaned. "Yes, Lenny. I meant every word. I’m sure that the only thing Laverne would regret is you not showing up in your tux and smiling at her as she swooshes down the aisle. Now, please." Carmine folded his hands together. "I am begging you, here. Can we go? Pretty please?"

Lenny jumped to his feet. "What are we waitin’ for? We’re gonna be late."

"Oh, thank God," breathed Carmine. He grabbed Lenny’s wrist and started to bolt out of the park. "Come on, we’ve got about five minutes to get you dressed and get us both to the church."

"Carmine, why are you runnin’? My car’s right over there," said Lenny, pointing. "And, my tux is in the back seat.

Carmine stopped tugging him along and looked back at him. "It is, huh?"

Lenny shrugged. "Well, I like to be prepared for any happenstance."

Carmine closed his eyes for a moment, counting to ten. "Okay," he said, finally. "You drive."

"But, I have to get dressed. You have to drive."

Carmine shook his head. He pulled on his dress shirt and began to button it carefully. "Nope. Not gonna happen. I feel rotten. No, worse than rotten. Sub-rotten. If I drive, we’re gonna wind up dead. I’m sure of it."

Lenny put a hand on Carmine’s forehead. "Wow, you’re sick," he said.

Carmine nodded, tying his tie quickly. "Yes. Yes, I am. Really, really sick."

"Hey, so you weren’t nervous all this time after all. You do want to marry Shirley. And here I thought you were just…um…just…"

"Neurotic? Yeah, about that, Len. Thanks a lot. I’m glad you think so highly of me," said Carmine, sarcastically.

Lenny shrugged. "Sorry, Carmine. It’s just with what you’ve gone through this past year…hey, you thought it was cold feet, too."

"Yeah, well, maybe I did. But, the good news is I was wrong. All my doubts about marrying Shirley really are in the past." He grinned at Lenny. "I’m not neurotic. I’m just deathly ill!"

"Yeah. That’s, um, great. I guess," said Lenny. He put an arm around Carmine’s shoulders. "Okay, I’ll drive. I can get dressed in the church parking lot when we get there."

"Atta boy," said Carmine. He swayed slightly as they walked toward Lenny’s car. "Hey, did you see that?"

"What?" asked Lenny, looking around.

"That thing flying over there." Carmine pointed to the sky.

Lenny followed his finger, but saw nothing. "What?"

"The pterodactyl," said Carmine, his eyes wide and staring. "I swear I saw a pterodactyl fly over us. Whoa, there goes another one!"

Lenny ducked, looking around. Then he straightened and looked at Carmine. "Uh, maybe you should sit down," he suggested, leading Carmine to the passenger’s side of the car. He opened the door and gently shoved the dark-haired young man into the seat.

"But…aw, they’re gone now," said Carmine, still craning his neck to look at the sky. "Bye!" He waved out the window at nothing.

Lenny got into the car, a worried look on his face. "Hang in there, Carmine. You just have to keep it together for another…" He glanced at the watch on Carmine’s wrist. "Oh, no. Four minutes, plus the half-hour or so it’s gonna take to get us all married." Lenny switched on the car and floored the accelerator.

Carmine shrugged on his tux jacket, then leaned back in the seat, shivering. "Can’t you put on some heat?" he asked, wrapping his arms around himself. "It’s like twenty degrees in here."

"Carmine, it’s in the high seventies today."

"Oh." Carmine gave his head a brisk shake. "No, I can’t give in to this," he said, determinedly. "I can’t let a little bug keep today from being perfect for Shirley. I’m going to grit my teeth and tough it out. Len, please, just don’t let on that anything’s wrong with me, okay? I don’t want Shirley to worry."

"Carmine…"

"Please," begged Carmine. "I promise, I’ll tell her at the reception and go straight to bed and take my medicine…anything it takes. But don’t let me ruin this for her. Okay?"

Lenny nodded. "Okay. So long as you promise not to tell Laverne that I almost ran out on her. Deal?"

"Deal," said Carmine, sounding relieved. "Definitely, a deal."

"I’ll kill ‘em."

"Frank…"

"I mean it, Edna. I’ll put ‘em both over my knee, one at a time, and break ‘em in two just like…" and Frank pantomimed snapping a spine.

"Frank, I don’t think that will be necessary," said his wife, looking back at the church doors.

"What do you mean? Those boys are late to their own wedding, the girl’s are waitin’ to walk down the aisle, what do you expect me to do to them for breakin’ their hearts?" demanded Frank.

"They’re here, Frank."

"How could they be so selfish, so inconsiderate, so…"

"Frank! They are here!" said Edna, loudly, turning Frank’s head to face the church entryway.

Sure enough, Lenny and Carmine were standing in the doorway. Both were wearing black tuxedos with tails, looking freshly combed and ready to go. Except that Lenny was standing up straight and tall, while Carmine was leaning against the doorframe.

"Oh, thank God," sighed Frank. He walked over and smacked Lenny on the side of the head. "Where’ve you been? You had me all worried!"

"Ow!" exclaimed Lenny, rubbing the side of his head. "Sorry, Mr. DeFazio. We were sort of…delayed."

"Well, you’re here now. That’s what counts." Frank reached up to pat Lenny’s hair back into place. "Say, Lenny?"

"Yes, Mr. DeFazio?"

"When you gonna get around to callin’ me Pop? I mean, here it is, you’re finally gonna marry my little Muffin, and you’re still callin’ me ‘Mr. DeFazio.’ I’m gonna start to think you don’t want me for your father-in-law."

Lenny looked at him, getting misty-eyed. "Oh, no, that’s not it. I just didn’t know if it was okay by you."

"Well, it is. In fact, I insist on it." Frank shook Lenny’s hand. "Welcome to the family, son," he said, with a smile.

Lenny beamed at him, unable to say a word.

"Aw, that is so nice," mumbled Carmine.

"And you!" snapped Frank, turning and walking over to the doorway. He raised his hand to give Carmine a whack.

Lenny intercepted. "No!" he cried. "Don’t do it, Mr…I mean, Pop."

"Why not?" Frank looked at Carmine, then took a step closer and peered into his eyes. "Are you all right?" he asked, suddenly concerned.

Carmine gave him a half-hearted smile. "Who, me? I’m terrific."

Frank looked at Lenny, who shook his head. Then, he turned back to Carmine.

"This is more than nerves, isn’t it?" he asked the young man quietly, holding his pale face between his hands. "You’re burning up."

"I’m fine," Carmine insisted, staring back at him with glassy eyes. "Really, I can do this. Just don’t say anything to Shirl. She’s always pictured a perfect wedding day, and having a sick groom isn’t part of that picture. Okay, Mr. DeFazio?"

"You sure? You really sure, son?" Frank asked.

Carmine nodded, wiping the perspiration off his brow. "Absolutely," he said, straightening himself up. "She’ll never know."

"Okay, then," said Frank, reluctantly, patting Carmine on the cheek.

"Come on, boys. You’re up!" called Edna.

The organ player began to play. Squiggy ran up to join Carmine and Lenny as they entered the back of the church.

"Here’s his ring," whispered Squiggy loudly, handing Lenny the gold band that Carmine was to give Shirley. "Oh, and I’ve got this for you, too, Carmine." He handed over the small envelope. "Shirley gave it to me earlier. She said it was for you, even though it was addressed to her. From your father."

Carmine stared at the envelope as though it might explode. "You’re kidding. My father sent this to Shirley?"

Squiggy nodded. "Yep. The outside says to open it before you walk down the aisle."

Carmine took the envelope reluctantly. He looked over at Lenny. "What should I do?" he asked, his voice shaking a little.

Lenny shrugged. "Open it, I guess. It’s too small to be a bomb."

Carmine looked unconvinced, but opened the envelope. Inside was a small piece of paper, wrapped around a diamond ring. Carmine looked at the ring in the palm of his hand, then read the piece of paper.

Lenny and Squiggy both saw the statement on his face and glanced at each other, unsure what to say.

"Carmine? You need to sit down?" asked Lenny.

"Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea," said Squiggy.

Carmine looked at them. "No," he managed to say. "I’m okay. It’s just…here." He handed the small piece of paper to Lenny.

Lenny looked at it, then shook his head slowly. "Well, I’ll be. I guess your old man has a heart after all."

Squiggy looked from Lenny to Carmine and back again. "What does it say?" he demanded.

Lenny read the note aloud. "It says, ‘From your mother. She wanted you to have this. Sincerely, Dad.’"

Carmine held up the diamond ring. It caught the light from overhead and sparkled. "I can’t believe he actually saved it for me," he whispered. "Here I’ve been saving up, figuring I could get Shirley a really nice diamond ring by the time our first anniversary rolled around. Then, he sends me this." Carmine blinked, then wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and forced a little laugh. "Well, I guess Shirley will get a little extra surprise today, huh?"

Lenny put his hand on Carmine’s back. "Hey, this is a good sign. If even your old man is sending you best wishes, marrying Shirley must be the right move."

Carmine nodded, handing the diamond to Lenny. Lenny added it to his breast pocket, where the gold wedding band was already stashed. "It’s the right move for both of us, marrying these ladies," said Carmine.

Lenny nodded. "I know. I think I’m finally clear on that now."

"Come on, let’s go already," said Squiggy, impatiently. "I’ve been waitin’ to best man all darn day and this tux is itching like the dickens. Let’s get the religious stuff over with and get to the party."

"Okay, let’s go then," said Lenny, smiling.

Squiggy turned and marched down the aisle. He was almost in time to the music, but hesitated every couple of steps to try to get back into the rhythm. Finally, he threw up his hands and stomped down the rest of the way in frustration.

Lenny followed him. He was grinning uncontrollably as he strolled proudly down to the altar.

Then Carmine walked down, grabbing the end of every other pew. He managed to hold his head up and walk exactly in time to the music until he was standing side by side with Lenny.

Next Edna, then Rhonda, walked down the aisle in time, resplendent in their matron of honor and bridesmaid gowns of ruby red.

Finally, the organist shifted to The Wedding March. Frank stepped out to the end of the aisle as everyone in attendance stood up in the chapel. Friends and family, including those members of the Angora Debs able to make the trip, Shirley’s brother Michael, and Laverne’s various relatives from Brooklyn turned to watch Laverne and Shirley step into view.

Laverne took Frank’s arm on the left, while Shirley took his other on the right. Frank leaned over and kissed Shirley on the cheek. "Congratulations, sweetheart. You’re getting a good man," he whispered.

"I know," she dimpled. "Doesn’t he look sharp up there, all done up?"

"Yeah," said Frank. "I know I ain’t your dad and I’m really sorry he didn’t make it. But I do love you like a daughter. You know that, don’t you?"

"Of course I do," said Shirley, sniffling a little.

"Pop, you’re gonna make her cry again. And we don’t exactly have time to repair her makeup now," whispered Laverne.

Frank leaned over and kissed his daughter. "I love you, baby. I only wish your mother were standin’ here with us," he sighed. "But I know she’s lookin’ down at you with pride, just like I’m feelin’ for you right now."

"Aw, Pop," said Laverne, getting sniffly herself.

"Okay, enough with the mushy stuff. Let’s get you two married already." With that, Frank began to lead the girls down the aisle.

Carmine turned and saw Shirley coming toward him. Suddenly, all the churning in his stomach, all the dizziness from the fever, all the aches and chills were forgotten. All he could see was his angel, coming down the aisle as though she were floating on a cloud, her beautiful face visible through the sheer veiling draped over it. She really is glowing, he thought. I can’t believe this woman is going to be mine, forever. Any and all doubts he’d ever had as to whether marriage was the right move vanished in that moment.

At the same time, Lenny gasped audibly at the sight of Laverne. Her eyes, her smile…she was flawless to him beneath her short, see-through veil. I can’t believe I almost missed this, he thought. I can’t believe this is really happening.

At last, the two brides joined their grooms at the altar. Frank went to stand next to Squiggy, across from Rhonda and Edna. The priest came forward and said, "Please be seated," to all the guests and the ceremony began.

To Carmine, the next several minutes were a blur. Try as he might, he couldn’t focus on the words being said. All he could see was Shirley, standing beside him. When, of course, he wasn’t seeing small woodland creatures scampering around his feet. Keep it together, Ragusa, he ordered himself. Just a few more minutes, that’s all you need to get through. He held himself rigidly in place, hoping Shirley couldn’t see how much he was shivering.

Lenny spent the entire ceremony gazing with a goofy grin at his beloved. Laverne kept looking at him out of the corner of her eye, then blushing and looking away. Lenny did manage to shoot a glance over to Carmine, to see how his friend was holding up. Wow, he’s actually turning different colors, Lenny marveled. White, then red, then green…that can’t be healthy.

If only I could loosen this damn tie, Carmine thought. Why couldn’t they put on the air conditioner? It’s stifling in here. Breathe, Carmine, breathe. In and out, in and out, concentrate on Shirley. This is all for her. The bunnies aren’t real.

What is he trying to do? Lenny wondered, as Carmine made a slight kicking motion at nothing on the floor.

Finally, the priest said, "If anyone can show just cause why these two couples should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace." He peered over his gold rimmed glasses at the guests. "All right. Laverne DeFazio, do you take…"

"Hold it. I object!" called a familiar voice from the back of the chapel.

The guests gasped. Startled, the priest said, "Excuse me? What did you say, young man?"

"I said, I object," said Sonny, walking part way up the aisle.

Oh, no. This is going to be a problem, thought Carmine, trying not to sway. And we were so close.

I’m going to kill him, thought Lenny, balling his hands into fists.

Shirley looked down the aisle at Sonny in amazement. "Sonny? Is that you? What are you doing here? And did you just object to our wedding?"

"Not yours, Shirley. I think you and Carmine belong together." Sonny walked a little closer. "Just like Laverne and I do."

"Sonny. Don’t do this," said Carmine.

"I’m really sorry, Carmine. I didn’t want to disturb you on this day. But, you guys decided on the double wedding, so I don’t really have much choice."

Laverne, a stunned look on her face, finally managed to say, "Sonny? What are you sayin’ over here?"

"Laverne," said Sonny, looking at her with pleading eyes. "I’m saying that I was wrong to ever walk away from you. Wow, look at you. You’re amazing," he added, eyeing her appreciatively. "Please, Laverne, forgive me, but I couldn’t stand by and watch you make the biggest mistake of your life."

"Then leave," she said, coldly. "You won’t have to see a thing."

Sonny got down on one knee. Various wedding guests gasped. "Laverne, please. You know that we were meant to be together. I always knew it. We just needed some time to figure it out."

"Two years, Sonny. Two years without so much as a postcard." Laverne planted her hands on her hips. "And now, just like that, you reappear just in time to interrupt my wedding? I told you then and I’m tellin’ you now, I don’t want to marry you. Now, get out of here!"

Carmine swallowed, hard. I’m not gonna make it, he thought. I could have, but now…"Sonny, for the love of God, please leave!" he begged.

"Yeah, you heard them," said Lenny, menacingly. "Get out of here before I throw you out!"

Sonny ignored them, remaining on one knee. "Laverne, marry me! Today, any day, whatever. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you."

Laverne flipped back her veil. Her eyes were livid with anger. "Get. Out. Of. Here!" she shouted. "I don’t want you. I want to marry Lenny." She reached back and took his hand.

"So, there you go," said Carmine, struggling to remain standing. "Too bad, you tried, now go away."

"Yes, please do," said Shirley. "Goodness, whatever has gotten into you, Sonny? Where is all of this coming from?"

"From my heart," he replied. He stood up. "Laverne, you cannot seriously want to spend the rest of your life with him!" He pointed at Lenny and laughed. "I mean, come on, now!"

Lenny squeezed his eyes shut, face flushing with anger and embarrassment. He felt Laverne tighten her grip on his hand. "You bet your sweet patootie I do," she said, raising her chin proudly. "In fact, I’ll go you one better. Lenny is the real reason I turned you down two years ago. You…you were an infatuation. A crush. Lenny, here," and she turned to look deeply into Lenny’s eyes, which he had opened again. "Lenny is the man of my dreams. He’s strong and smart and brave and kind and handsome…everything a girl could ever want. So," Laverne turned back to Sonny. "You go on and continue your life somewhere else. There’s nothin’ and no one here for you anymore."

Lenny took a deep breath and whispered, "God, I love you," to Laverne. Then he drew himself up to his full height and faced Sonny. "You heard my wife," he said, calmly. "Leave."

Sonny nodded, slowly. Then he turned and walked back down the aisle. Just before he exited the chapel, he turned back and opened his mouth, as though to say something else. Laverne and Lenny made ‘go away’ gestures with their hands at Sonny, then turned their backs on him. "You can go on now," said Laverne to the priest, lowering her veil once more.

Sonny left without another word.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Carmine repeated over and over in his head.

"Okay. Well, that was interesting," commented the priest. "Where were we? Oh, yes. Laverne DeFazio, do you take Leonard Kosnowski to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, from this day forward, honoring and obey…"

"Um, no obeying, okay? We don’t need that," said Laverne.

"Right. Of course. Make that to honor and cherish from this day forth, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"

"I definitely do," said Laverne, grinning broadly at Lenny.

"And do you, Leonard Kosnowski, take Laverne DeFazio to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold…"

"I do," said Lenny, dreamily.

"Um, I wasn’t finished yet," said the priest.

"I know, I heard you the first time," said Lenny, smiling and gazing into Laverne’s eyes. "All that stuff she said? Me too."

"Fine, then," said the priest, sounding a little hurt.

Lenny glanced over at Carmine, who was visibly shivering. Carmine mouthed thank you and Lenny nodded in response.

"Okay, then. Shirley Feeney, do you take Carmine Ragusa to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, from this day forward, honoring and obey…sorry, cherishing him from this day forth, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"

"I…" Shirley turned to look into his eyes, then paused, startled. "Carmine? Are you okay?" asked Shirley,

Carmine stared back at her, desperately. "Please. Just say I do. Say it as fast as you can."

"I do," she said, quickly.

He nodded. "Good. I do, too."

The priest looked downright annoyed. "Fine, then. Everyone does. Gentleman, do you have rings?"

Squiggy dug in his pocket and located the ring for Lenny. Lenny, in turn, pulled out the gold band and diamond ring for Carmine and handed them over.

The girls held out their hands. Lenny slipped the gold ring over Laverne’s finger, fitting it carefully up against the small diamond that was already in place.

Carmine grinned in spite of the fact that the room was spinning around him. He tried to slip the diamond ring over Shirley’s finger, missed, tried again, and succeeded. She looked at it and gasped. "Oh, Carmine! It’s beautiful. But I thought…"

"It was my mother’s," he said. "It’s what was in that envelope you got from my dad. She wanted me to give it to the woman who had my heart. I can’t believe that I’m actually getting the chance to do that, today." He held Shirley’s hand between both of his. "I love you, Angel Face. You are my whole world." He then handed her the gold band. "This is for you, too, of course."

She put it on, then stared at her hand in glee. "I’m all sparkly!" she squealed. "Oh, Carmine, this day has been perfect after all! Thank you so much."

He nodded, then turned to the priest. "Yogi Bear, would you please wrap this up?" he said, the color draining out of his face.

The priest took one look at him, then quickly said, "By the power vested in my by God and the State of California, I now pronounce you and you," here he nodded toward Lenny and Laverne. "And you two," and he indicated Shirley and Carmine, "Husbands and wives. Gentlemen, you may now kiss your brides."

Lenny raised Laverne’s veil and drew her close in a soft, deep kiss.

Shirley flung back her veil and stepped toward Carmine.

Carmine said, "Is that it? Are we done?"

"Yes, Mr. Ragusa," said the priest, uncertainly. "We’re done."

"Oh, good," he sighed. Then he toppled over backward in a dead faint.

"Carmine, say something!" said Lenny.

"Are you sure he’s breathing?" asked Laverne.

They were clustered in a ring around the fallen groom. Shirley was frowning down at him, her hands planted firmly on her hips. Lenny, Laverne, Squiggy, and Rhonda were kneeling beside him. Frank and Edna were busy trying to convince the guests in the church that everything was under control and that they should clear out and head over to the reception at the Pizza Bowl Too.

Squiggy grabbed a bible and began fanning Carmine’s face with it. The priest gasped and snatched it out of his hand. "What?" asked Squiggy, sounding confused and hurt. "I’m just tryin’ to help!"

"Carmine, come on," said Lenny, anxiously. "Wake up already."

Carmine continued to do exactly what he had been doing for the past five minutes, which was to breathe and not much else.

"Oh, this isn’t good at all," said Laverne.

"No, it certainly is not," said Shirley. She leveled her gaze at Lenny. "So, exactly how much did he have to drink last night, hmmm?"

"Huh?" asked Lenny. "What, him? Nothing. Well, maybe a sip or two."

"Mmm-hmmm. A sip or two or three or a hundred? Lenny, how could you let him get so carried away?"

"What?"

Laverne looked across at her new husband. "Yeah, Len, really. I mean, how could you stand by and let him get so wasted that he passed out at his own wedding? Shirley was countin’ on you."

Lenny looked back and forth at the two women, helplessly. "I didn’t…he didn’t. Why are you so mad? Can’t you see the guy needs help here?"

"He needs help, all right," said Shirley, sniffling. "He needs to be committed! First, he goes blind. Then, he lies to me about his family. Then, he comes to our wedding totally hung over. Unbelievable!" She crossed her arms firmly, tapping her white shoe on the floor.

Lenny looked over at Squiggy, who shrugged. "Carmine said stall. I had to tell ‘em something."

"So you told them that he was hung over?"

"Yeah. And I even made you look all heroic, what with takin’ him to get something to get over it." Squiggy looked very proud of himself, until he saw the angry look on Lenny’s face. "What’d I do now?"

Lenny closed his eyes, shaking his head. "Shirl," he said, finally. "Don’t be mad at Carmine here. He didn’t do anything wrong."

"Oh, no? You call panicking for almost a year after he proposes to me, then nearly blowing the whole ceremony, nothing wrong?"

"He didn’t blow anything. Not on purpose, at least. Look the truth is…" Lenny looked at Laverne, then gulped. "The truth is, he was sober as a judge last night. He didn’t drink anything because he was sick. Really sick, like the flu or something. He’s had it for about a week now. He’s been fighting it, thinking like you it was just cold feet, but it wasn’t. I guess with all the running around he did today, it just caught up with him."

Shirley started to look a little less angry. "Really? You aren’t just saying this to cover for him, are you, Leonard?"

"Nope. I swear it. Carmine’s been doing nothin’ but playing hero all day today. Because of me."

Laverne looked at him uncertainly. "What are you tellin’ us, Len?" she asked.

Tugging at his collar uncomfortably, Lenny said, "The truth is, I was the one havin’ a little cold foot problem today."

"Boy, did he ever," said Squiggy, with a little laugh. Then, he saw the expressions on Laverne and Lenny’s faces and decided to shut up.

"You, Len? How could you have had any doubts?" Laverne’s lower lip began to tremble slightly. "You didn’t want to marry me?"

"Oh, no. Of course I did. I do. I’ve wanted nothin’ else for the longest time, Laverne. You have to believe that," he begged.

She stared into his wide, blue eyes. "I do. I believe you, Len. So, what was the problem?"

Lenny shrugged. "I kinda ran into Sonny last night, at the bachelor party. He said some things, then I said some things…to be honest the whole thing is a little blurry in my head." He pointed to his bruised left eye. "Things went a little too far."

Laverne glared over at Squiggy.

"Maybe I should go get a glass of water for Carmine," he said, then scurried down the aisle toward the back of the church.

"Do you want me to call an ambulance?" asked the priest.

Frank walked back to the group, having successfully chased out all the other wedding guests. "That might not be a bad idea, Father," he said. He took off his jacket, balled it up, and tucked it underneath Carmine’s head.

"Oh, sweetheart!" sobbed Shirley, finally dropping to her knees beside her husband. "I’m so sorry I ever doubted you."

"Anyway," continued Lenny. "I got to thinking that maybe I wasn’t the best fella for you. I was afraid you’d come to regret this, once you realized that Sonny was waiting in the wings. Carmine here," and he gestured to his friend on the floor. "He tracked me down and talked sense into me. Unfortunately, he did it with a raging fever. I’m afraid running after me made whatever he has a whole lot worse."

"You big dope," said Laverne, gently. "How could you ever have thought that I wanted Sonny, or any other guy, instead of you? How could you doubt me?"

"Oh, I never doubted you," he replied. "I doubted me. I do that a lot."

"That’s because you never listen to me when I tell you the right thing to do," said Squiggy, newly returned with a large glass of water. He stood over Carmine. "Should I throw this on him?"

"No!" cried Shirley. "Give it to me." She took the glass, then withdrew a lace handkerchief from her sleeve and dipped it in the water. She held the hanky against Carmine’s forehead.

Laverne shook her head at Lenny, then reached down to loosen Carmine’s tie and unbutton his collar. "We’ll talk about this later on. In private. Right now, we’ve got other problems."

Lenny nodded, then said, "Hey, I think he’s coming around."

Sure enough, Carmine stirred, then opened his eyes and looked up. Slowly, the blurry ring of faces around him came into sharper view. He blinked, then looked at Lenny.

"Um, Len?"

"Yeah, Carmine."

"How come I’m on the floor?"

Lenny smiled at him. "You kind of passed out."

Carmine just stared at him. Then he said, "You’re kidding."

"Nope. ‘Fraid not."

Carmine looked around at everyone hovering over him, then reached up and covered his eyes with his hands. "Oh, no. This couldn’t be more embarrassing."

"Carmine," said Shirley.

He peeked out at her from between his fingers. "Yes, Angel Face?"

"Why didn’t you tell me how sick you were? Now, look at you. You’re lying on the floor like a pile of laundry." She wiped at her tears, which were leaving mascara-stains on her cheeks.

"I’m…sorry, Shirl. I just didn’t want to ruin this day for you." He sighed, letting his arms drop back to his sides. "I guess I failed, huh."

"No, you didn’t. After all, we are married…" she glanced up at the priest, who nodded in confirmation. "That’s really the whole point. The flowers, the dresses, all the trappings…they’re nice, but they aren’t what make a wedding perfect. Finishing up the day married to the man of your dreams is all that counts. Right, Vernie?"

"Absolutely, Shirl," her friend confirmed.

Carmine looked at his wife gratefully. "Shirl, if I wasn’t afraid that I was contagious, I’d kiss you right now."

She patted his cheek. "You can owe me," she said, with a wink.

"Well, so what do we do now?" asked Laverne. "I mean, we can’t just leave Carmine here on the floor, but there’s a whole restaurant full of guests waiting for us at the Pizza Bowl Too.

"Rhonda will take care of that," volunteered Rhonda. She took Squiggy by the hand, cautiously. "Come along, Andrew. Let’s you and me entertain the troops until our happy couples arrive. Feel better, Carmine!"

"Thanks," he said, wearily.

Squiggy took Rhonda’s hand, a sly smile lighting up his face. "And what sort of entertainin’ did you have in mind, my little turtle dove?"

"Ew! Certainly nothing you are thinking!" They headed out of the church.

Frank was watching Carmine’s face with concern. "Where is that ambulance already?" he blustered.

"Ambu…oh, no. I don’t need an ambulance," insisted Carmine. "I just got a little light-headed for a minute. I’ll be fine."

"Carmine, you were out cold. That is not a sign of good health," Shirley explained.

"Maybe not, but I really, really don’t want to go to the hospital. Please, Shirl?" He grabbed her hand. "This is supposed to be our first night together as husband and wife. I’ve waited for this since I was, like, sixteen years old. I don’t want to spend it in an emergency room."

She looked at him, uncertainly. "Well, I don’t know. You really should get checked out."

"I will. I promise I will. I’ll go to the doctor first thing in the morning. But, please, can’t we have tonight?" he begged. "I mean, I know we won’t be able to do much, probably, but at least we can be alone together. What do you say?"

She looked at Laverne and Lenny, who shrugged. "Oh, you two are no help at all," Shirley sighed.

"Why don’t you try and sit up before you decide?" suggested Frank.

"Okay. I can do that." I hope, Carmine added to himself. He took a deep breath, then grasped Lenny’s proffered hand and pulled himself into a sitting position. He looked around the room. "No dinosaurs and no bunnies. That’s good."

Laverne and Lenny, Edna and Frank shot each other quizzical looks. Shirley patted Carmine on the head. "Sweetheart, you’re delirious."

"No, I’m not. At least, I’m not right now. Forget that I said anything," He reached out a shaking hand and took the glass of water from Shirley. "Well, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind to toast my new wife with, but…" He took a gulp.

"You two should really go to the reception," said Shirley to Laverne and Lenny, looking a little sad. "It would be a shame for all of us to miss it."

Lenny looked over at Laverne, who shrugged. "I don’t know," he said, unconvinced. "It don’t seem right, leavin’ you guys here like this."

"Come on, Shirley’s right," insisted Carmine. "Look, we’ll be there as soon as we can. In the meantime, you can keep the dance floor warm for us."

Lenny raised an eyebrow at him. "Isn’t it gonna be kind of tough, dancing on your keister, there?"

Carmine made a face at him. "Very funny. Go away now."

"Okay," said Laverne, reluctantly. She rose to her feet, then held out her hand to help her husband up. "But, if you guys need anything, you let us know and we’ll be back in a jiffy, all right? Promise me!"

Shirley smiled a little. "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a bouquet of roses in my eye."

"Okay, then." With that, Lenny and Laverne strolled down the aisle and out of the church, hand-in-hand.

Shirley watched them go, only a little jealousy showing on her face.

"You guys should go, too," said Carmine to Frank and Edna. "It’s your daughter’s big day. You should be there for the father-daughter dance, Mr. DeFazio."

"Yeah," said Frank. "But how can we leave you two here like this, all alone? That ain’t right."

"We’re not alone," said Shirley, simply. "We’re together."

Edna nodded. "I think they’ll be fine, Frank. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’d prefer being alone for a little bit."

Shirley looked at her, gratefully. "Well, we really haven’t had a chance to enjoy just being husband and wife, yet. Go on, have fun. We’re all set here."

Frank shook his finger under Carmine’s nose, before slowly getting to his feet. "You be good, young man," he cautioned. "No messin’ around. You go right home to bed."

"What’s the point of that if I can’t mess around?" muttered Carmine. Then, he saw the look in Frank’s eyes. "Kidding, Mr. DeFazio. Just kidding. Don’t worry, I’ll behave."

"Shirley, you…" began Frank.

She raised her right hand. "I promise, I’ll take good care of him. Whether he likes it or not."

"All right, then." Frank took Edna’s arm and tucked it in his, then led her out of the church.

Carmine and Shirley looked up at the priest.

"This is my church," he said. Then, he sighed. "Oh, all right, then. I guess I’m all done here. You’ll get my bill in the mail." With that, he headed back into the rectory.

Carmine looked at Shirley. "You know, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you in that wedding dress."

"Really?" she said, showing her dimples. "Well, you looked quite dapper yourself. At least, until you turned white as a ghost."

"Yeah, about that…" He drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "I can’t tell you how sorry I am."

"Carmine, I’m not upset with you because you got sick. You couldn’t help that." She took a breath. "What I am a little…annoyed…about is that you kept it to yourself. Again. Just like you kept your eye trouble from me, and then didn’t open up to me about your father. Goodness, you would think you were engaged to Lenny all this time, the way you chose to confide him instead of me."

Carmine felt worse than before, only now it wasn’t physical. He looked at the floor.

Shirley continued, trying hard to control her tears. "Why, Carmine? Why do you feel like you can’t come to me with these big, important things in your life? Haven’t I been supportive over the years? Don’t you trust me?"

Carmine raised his eyes to meet hers. "Of course I trust you," he said. "I trust you with my life. It isn’t that."

"Then, what? Because, I’ve got to tell you, I don’t think we’re going to have much of a marriage if this pattern of subterfuge continues."

"You and your big words," he said, with a half-smile. He took her left hand and stared at the rings on her finger. "Shirley, you’ve gotta understand. I have about zero information on how a decent husband is supposed to behave. The only role model I had was my father, and you know how much that was worth. I want to do right by you, Angel Face. I don’t want to hurt you or ever see any pain in your eyes, so my first instinct is always to protect you. Is that so wrong?"

"Sweetheart, you’re not going to be able to protect me from everything. Yes, sometimes I’m going to be sad, or worried, or hurt, especially when something is making you feel that way. But that’s what being a married couple means. We’re supposed to share everything…for better and for worse, remember?"

"In sickness and in health? Yeah, I think I heard that somewhere recently." He sighed. "Okay, I can’t promise you that I’m always going to everything right, or make the best decisions. But, I can promise you that I won’t keep things from you anymore. From now on, you’ll be the first person I tell, whether the news is good or not so good."

Shirley nodded. "That’s all I ask." She looked around. "Well, I guess the priest never got around to calling that ambulance after all. What should we do?"

Carmine held out his hands. "Help me," he said.

Shirley smiled, broadly. "My pleasure." She stood up, then took his hands and tugged for all she was worth.. Carmine struggled to his feet, then stood there uncertainly.

"Okay? You aren’t going to fall over again, are you?" she asked, trying to steady him.

"I don’t think so. Maybe later." He looked around. "Wow, I hardly ever get sick. Go figure that I’d get zonked right before the biggest day of my life."

"Yeah, go figure," Shirley muttered to herself.

"What?"

"Nothing, sweetheart. Do you want to go home now?"

"I had something else planned," he admitted. He reached into his tuxedo jacket’s pocket and pulled out a folded brochure. "I know we aren’t supposed to leave on our honeymoon for a few days, which, all things considered, is probably for the best. But I didn’t want to spend our first night as husband and wife in your apartment or mine. So…" He handed her the brochure. "Surprise."

She took it, opened it up, and gasped. "Oh, Carmine! The Hotel Bel Aire, on the sunny shores of Malibu Beach! You know how much I’ve always wanted to go there!" She started to jump up and down. "It’s so elegant and so beautiful and so…oh." She looked at him and stopped bouncing. "Oh, well, it would have been nice."

"It still will be," said Carmine. "We’re going."

"Carmine…no. No, we can’t. You need to be at home where I can take care of you."

"Aw, come on, Shirl. I’m not a baby. I can rest in a king-sized bed just as well as I can lie around in my apartment. What do you say? And, who knows? Maybe by tomorrow, I’ll be feeling better and we can…you know…in the lap of luxury. Please?" He looked at her, hopefully.

"Well," said Shirley, uncertainly. She thought about it for about five seconds. "Sure. Why not? I’ll drive!" She grabbed his hand and started to charge off down the aisle.

"Whoa, there, Angel Face," he said, nearly losing his footing.

"Oh, right. Maybe we should walk."

"That’d be a better idea," he agreed.

Shirley beamed at him as they made their way slowly down the aisle. "I’m going to order room service. You don’t mind, do you?"

"Naw. Live it up. Just do me a favor and eat it in the bathroom, okay?"

"Okay. I love you, Mr. Ragusa."

"I love you too, Mrs. Ragusa."

He was surprised at how easily it rolled off his tongue.

At the Pizza Bowl Too, the reception was in full swing. Lenny was amazed at how the place was transformed, with white crepe paper wedding bells and doves holding "Just Married" signs. They covered the walls and hung from the ceiling. The tables were all covered in white linen, and set with fine china and silverware.

"Wow, Pop sure went all out," Laverne commented, looking around.

"Yeah. This place looks like a regular Howard Johnson’s, it’s so fancy," said Lenny, without a trace of sarcasm.

Squiggy waved to the couple as they walked over to their table. "Over here, over here!" he shouted.

"Hey, Squig. Havin’ fun?" asked Lenny.

"Oh, you guys missed it. It was amazing!" shouted Squiggy. "Rhonda was shaking and wiggling…"

"Excuse me?" said Laverne.

"It’s called dancing, you nitwit," said Rhonda, taking a sip of wine from her glass.

"Yeah, right," said Squiggy, with a knowing laugh. "Meantime, I was playin’ the drums, you know, for rhythm. Everyone was goin’ crazy! Len, I think you’ll have to continue on as Lenny without the Squigtone. I’ve got me a new partner." He looked at Rhonda and smiled lovingly.

"No, you do not. And those weren’t drums, they were pizza pans," said Rhonda. She turned her back on him and faced Laverne. "So, I supposed if you two are here now, everyone is feeling better back at the church. Are Carmine and Shirley on their way, too?"

"I don’t think so," said Lenny. "I think the only partying Carmine’s gonna do tonight is in his dreams."

Laverne nodded. "Yeah, I think the double part of our double wedding is over. I’m sure Shirley is tucking Carmine into bed right now, with a hot water bottle on his tummy and an ice pack on his head."

"That is a shame," said Rhonda. "Well, as least you two can enjoy the reception."

Lenny looked around, a little nervously. "Say, there haven’t been any gate-crashers tonight, have there?"

"What, you mean Sonny? No, that punk knows better than to show his face around me," said Squiggy, confidently.

"Somehow, I don’t think Sonny’s going to give us any more trouble," said Laverne. "I think he was plenty humiliated today."

Lenny took her hand. "Excuse me, Rhonda, Squig. I gotta speak to my wife alone for a minute." He led Laverne to a more isolated spot in the corner of the room.

"His wife," Laverne giggled. "I’m his wife."

Once alone, Lenny turned to Laverne and said, "Look, you can tell me to shut up and mind my own beeswax if you want, but I gotta ask you somethin’."

Laverne looked at his serious statement and said, "Ask me anything, Len. I got no secrets from you."

"Well, yeah, except you kinda did. Why didn’t you ever say anything about what was goin’ on between you and Sonny, huh?"

She shifted, uncomfortably. "Len, it was a long time ago. Way before I even though that you and me would ever be you and me." She looked into his eyes. "Are you mad at me?"

He smiled gently and shook his head. "No. I could never be mad at you. I…well, I just thought I knew everything there was to know about you and the guys you were serious about."

"You do. The truth is, what Sonny and me had, well, it just was never that important. He took it much more to heart than I ever did. I thought we were havin’ fun and he thought it was somethin’ more than that. That’s why I ended it with him when I did and, I guess, that’s why he left."

"Wow, Carmine was right," said Lenny.

"About what?"

"He said that it was probably nothin’. Sonny made it sound like he left you all broken hearted. To think, I almost blew everything because I believed him." Lenny shook his head. "I am a stupid, stupid man sometimes."

"No, you aren’t. Don’t you ever say that about my husband," said Laverne, holding his face in her hands. "You are not stupid. A little insecure, maybe, but never stupid."

"Really?" He put his arms around her and held her close. "I promise, Laverne, I’m gonna be a great husband. I’m gonna take care of you and give you everything you want, no matter what it takes. I’m gonna be worthy of you someday, you’ll see."

She rested her head against his chest. "You already are, Lenny. You’re perfect to me, just the way you are. I hope that you’ll get that through your thick skull someday."

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the leader of the small band that was playing. "May I present to you, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Leonard Kosnowski!"

An overhead light turned on right over where Lenny and Laverne were embracing, swaying in time to music only they could hear, as the rest of the wedding guests applauded.

Squiggy wiped away a tear out of the corner of his eye, then quickly looked around to see if anyone else had seen him.

Rhonda was the only one looking back at him. She gave him a little smile and handed him a linen napkin from off the table. "Got something in your eye, huh?" she said, kindly.

He sniffled and said, "Yeah. Must be some red pepper in the air." He dabbed at his eyes.

"Well, obviously, the happy couple has already begun their first dance," said the bandleader. "So, everyone, please feel free to join in." They began to play Unchained Melody.

"I always dreamed of dancin’ with you like this," said Lenny. "I’m glad I’m finally able to do it."

Laverne smiled up at him. "I never doubted that you would."

"I love you, Laverne Kosnowski," whispered Lenny.

"Right back at ya, Len" said Laverne, snuggling closer to him. "Right back at ya."

--End--

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