It Ain’t Possible
By Squeaky
squeaky82@gurlmail.com

NOTE: The phrase "banana nut cupcake" will be repeated more than twice during this story. It’s annoying, I know. Sorry.

"OF ALL THE STUPID, CHEAPEST LOWEST TRICKS IN THE WORLD...!!!" yelled Laverne as she entered her apartment interrupting thus Shirley and Carmine who sat on the couch making out.

"Laverne what’s wrong?" asked Shirley. She was concered about her friend. And she could see whatever happened was a big deal because she could see Laverne’s pouting and her lower lip coming in and out of her mouth with every breath she took.

"I hate all men that’s all!!!" she shouted.

"You don’t mean that Laverne. What about your dad? And the Pope... oh and Fabian... "

"or Carmine!" The Big Ragoo added hoping Laverne wouldn’t take out on him her newly found hatred toward males.

"...or that kid at the bust stop that always whistles "Teenager in Love" when you walk by..."

"Fine, Shirl! So I don’t hate all men just one."

"Squiggy told you about the pudding he accidentally filled your lingerie drawer with, huh? Don’t worry about that, Laverne. Carmine gave him a quite a whopping. That black eye will remind him to stop whenever he thinks of poking around our stuff"

"Shirl, you gave him the black eye. I grabbed you so you wouldn’t kill him and he ran away."

"Carmine, sweety?" said Shirley innocently.

"What Angelface?"

"Why don’t you go take a cold shower?"

"But I thought we were gonna---"

"That’s to teach you to keep your mouth shut, darling."

"Great," he said disappointed. "One more cold shower and I’ll be able to swim across the Artic Ocean only wearing socks."

Laverne sat beside Shirley after the Big Ragoo was gone.

"Were you and Carmine really gonna...you know... tonight?"

"No. But I like making him think he has a chance. But anyway Laverne why are you so upset? And why are you here? Wasn’t Lenny in his apartment?"

"Oh he was there alright. Oh he waaaaas there alright. He was theeeeeeeere alright. Heeeeee was---"

"You are annoyingme, Laverne. Get to the point."

"I just walked in ready to tell him we should slow things down, right? Not two minutes passed and he tells me he is fallen in love with Lone Wolfette"

Shirley seriousness began to fade and a grin began to appear. Suddenly she burst out laughing.

"Can you believe him, Shirl? Lone Wolfette? Of all the lowest ways he could have broken up with me... He could’ve said "Hey, I’m dating Annette Funnicello for cryin’ out loud!"

Shirley’s laughter receded, but still she giggled as she wiped off tears from her cheeks.

"He actually told you that? Why would he say he is dating Milwaukee’s greatest rock and roll success story since Leather Tuscadero?"

"Maybe he has you know. I mean, Leather was a good friend of Ralph Malph so it’s possible that somehow Lenny and that Wolfette person got together---"

"Laverne Lone Wolfette hasn’t stepped a foot in Milwaukee for months. They went on tour remember? Besides that girl seemed pretty smart she wouldn’t go out with a guy like Lenny oh I’m sorry Laverne." Somehow there had been a lapse in Feeney’s brain making her forget for a moment that Laverne liked Lenny.

"Why would Lenny say a thing like that? I mean I know I was gonna break up with him, but I wouldn’t like like that. I mean ... Okay so it’s really bothering me now... but I would’ve told him nicley..."

Shirley’s eyes made Laverne realize that she, no matter how neatly done, had gone up to Lenny’s to break his heart. She was angry that he’d done it first. Was she being selfish? Did she care about her feelings and not Lenny’s? Who was she to hate him for doing to her what she was planning to do to him in the first place, lie or no lie involved. Could she ever---?

The door was slammed opened.

"HELLO!" cried Squiggy. Walking hurriedly toward Laverne with his fists on his hips. "Listen to me woman: you go upstairs and undo what you did to Lenny."

His finger pointed at Laverne just a few inches from her face.

"And what did I do to Lenny?," asked Laverne rolling up her sleeves ready to bop the little guy. He noticed it and backed down. He’s already had a black eye and he didn’t want to receive another one from Laverne.

"The guy is drowining in his own tears! All he says is "Why Laverne...! Why!" Boy Laverne when you are gonna hit hard you sure hit hard. I know I may not be a gentleman

"Or a normal man by society’s and scientific standards." Added Shirley.

"...but I ain’t never done to noone what you did to him."

"Tell me just what I did to him!" Laverne’s patience was running out.

"He heard you rehearsing how you were gonna break up with him before she entered the apartment."

"Squiggy that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard," said Shirley. "Laverne smart enough to know that the walls on this building are as thin as paer. She is not going to stand in front of his door and start talking out loud... especially about something she knows would hurt him so much if he overheard...."

"Shirl..." Laverne between her teeth, motioning her friend to stop talking.

Shirley’s mouth was wide open and she gasped. "Laverne how could you do that???

"Yeah how could you? The poor chum is so depressed... and it’s getting on my nerves! He won’t even let me eat the banana nut cupcake! He says he won’t let me swallow the ring that is hidden there! What a dummy! I told him I was gonna spit it out."

"Ring? What ring, Squig?" asked Laverne rolling her sleeves back down.

"Don’t you know nothing? Lenny sold his guitar, his Roy Rogers lunch box (thermos included) and his Babe Ruth cards to buy that stupid ring he was gonna give ya tonight. He said something about going steady."

Laverne ran out of the apartment and up the stairs to the boys’ pad.

Squiggy knew this was his chane to get Shirley to apologized for almost knocking hi out. He quickly fixed up his yellow black-striped jacket and sat besdie her. He stretched his arms and put his right one over her shoulder.

"Listen uh... since dating among friends seems to be the fashion now, I just may let you go out with me if you beg enough."

~*~YELL~*~ PUNCH ~*~

Needless to say, Squiggy now looked like "The Big Racoon".

* * * * *

Lenny sat at the table looking all miserable. He poked the cupcake again and again.

Laverne entered. He rose and approached her ready to face her. Before he could say anything he found himself already in a kiss. A kiss he found as sweet as banana nut. Wait, it was banana nut, he had been eating some crumbs from the cupcake.

Laverne put his arms around his neck and her face rested on his shoulders.

"Laverne I ain’t dating..."

"...Lone Wolfette I know. You just lied to me because you wanted to hurt me before I hurt you. I didn’t mean for you to overhear me. And I didn’t mean all those things either. I don’t want to break up with you Lenny, not now not ever. " She spoke between sobs. " When the thought came over me that you could ever love someone else... even if you didn’t mean it about you and Lone Wolfette... I don’t know... I couldn’t bear it."

She looked at him and he wiped the tears off her face with his thumbs.

"Same thing happened to me Vernie. I couldn’t understand why you didn’t want me. Okay so I ain’t smart...or strong... or handsome, but I know that no one will love ya as much as I do. It ain’t possible. It just ain’t possible."

"Lenny you are sma--- um stron--- okay at least you’re cute..."

They both laughed.

Lenny quickly went over and picked up the cupcake. He took out the ring and was about to lick it when Laverne stopped him.

"What are you doing?"

"It’s got cake all over it. It’s sticky."

"No, no, Len. It’s... it’s fine like that."

He put in on her finger and gave her a long passionate kiss, like she’d never had before from Lenny or anyone else. Suddenly she realized she’d picked the right guy.

Squiggy appeared at the door with both eyes all black and blue.

"That’s it you two! Either you make up or I’m gonna kick someone! And---!"

Squiggy found he could no longer speak. Lenny had inserted the banana nut cupcake in his mouth. Squiggy would argued, but boy it tasted good. He let Laverne and Lenny embrace peacefully and went down back to Shirley’s to see if she had some milk to help him wash down the sweet, soft yummy banana nut cupcake.

THE END

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