I Thought I Knew You
by Squeaky
ACT ONE
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APT MILWAUKEE - DAY
Shirley sits on the couch. Laverne is on the phone.
Laverne: Nothing, Shirl.
Shirley: When are they gonna fix the phone? What if the building catches on fire? How will anyone call for help?
Laverne: Maybe... just maybe, Shirl somebody will yell "Fire!" Awww, now I'll never get a date from Ted McCarthy. He must think I gave him the wrong phone number. Stupid phone line.
Shirley: Sorry about that Laverne. Hey why don't we watch some TV? The soaps are on now.
Laverne turns on the TV and sits next to Shirley. A soap is on. Dramatic organ music plays.
TV Woman: Oh, ut Arthur the reason is... I am your sister!
TV Man: Martha that can't be! I am you father!
TV Man #2: Martha! Arthur! There's something you two should know. I am your long lost son of the wife of the really close best friend of your next door neighbor's cousin Murray!
TV Woman/Man: Uncle Jeffrey!
Laverne's had enough. She gets up, turns off the TV and returns to her seat.
Shirley: Why don't we indulge ourselves with some literature, shall we?
They grab magazines from the coffee table.
Shirley: (reads) "How to make your man do wonders by the third date."
Laverne: (reads) "How you can make a pretty bow for your stuff animal in five easy steps."
They exchange magazines.
Lenny enters.
Lenny: Laverne can I have the keys to the car?
Shirley: Not in this life time, mister.
Laverne: Sure. Let me get them for ya.
Shirley crosses her arms in protests.
Shirley: Laverne!
Laverne: Calm down, Shirl. Lenny was checking the car 'cause it was making that funny noise when it breaks remember? (to Len) Ya gonna take it to Fonzie?
Lenny: Yeah. It could be the break pads.
Laverne looks for the keys in her purse.
Laverne: Don't forget to send Fonzie a kiss from me, Len.
Lenny: Are you crazy? Last time I did he beat me up!
Laverne: That's 'cause you weren't supposed to actually kiss him! This time you just tell him I send a kiss.
Laverne finds the keys and hands them to Lenny.
Shirley: Now be careful with the car! I find one scrtach, just one scratch and I scratch you!
Lenny: Yeah, yeah... You girls want me to bring you something on the way over?
Laverne: No...
Shirley: Oh yes. Could you stop by the grocery store and buy me some lilac air freshner?
Laverne: Air freshener? You already have raspberry, vanilla & fruits of the Caribbean! What do you need more for?
Shirley: One can never have too many of that stuff, Laverne...
Laverne: Oh don't start with that story again, Shirl! It's like you are obsessed with that stuff. I smell of rasperry in my hair, vanilla in my arms, and kiwi-mango in my neck.
Lenny bites his palm and tries to kiss Laverne onthe neck. Laverne steps back and hits him in the arm.
Laverne: Will ya cut that out! Get outta here and get that car fixed!
Lenny: (bows)Yes, madame.
He exits.
Laverne: Can you believe that guy? Always trying to get his hands on me!
Shirley: Come on now, Laverne. You guys are pals!
Laverne: How would you feel if Squiggy tried that with you?
Shirley: I would crush him like the the little cockroach he is.
Laverne: See?
Shirley: That's different! I don't go around playing kissy-kissy with Squiggy all day.
Laverne: (threatning)Watch it, Shirl...
Shirley: All I'm saying, Laverne is that you and Lenny flirt and kiss all the time.
Laverne: We do not!
Shirley:Yes you do Laverne. Oh yes you do! Remember last Saturday when we were all bowling at the Pizza Bowl? You and Lenny beat me and Carmine. And what did you do? You grabbed Lenny and you kissed him right on the lips!
Laverne: He played a really good game!
Shirley: Fine, if you don't want to admit that you like him then that's fine with me.
Laverne: I don't like him, Shirl. He just ain't my type. (dreamily)I like my guys to be smart, strong and terribly, terribly handsome.
Squiggy enters. His clothes are all undone, hair's a mess and lipstick is smeared all over his face.
Squiggy: Hello! Hey, you girls got some saran wrap?
Laverne grimaces and Shirley's mouth opens wide.
Shirley: Get out you filthy little twerp!
Squiggy groans and exits.
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APT. - THAT NIGHT
Laverne paces around the room, worried. Shirley enters from their bedroom. She is ready for another date with Carmine.
Shirley: Why are you pacing around for?
Laverne: Lenny still hasn't come back with the car.
Shirley: I knew! I knew he would take the opportunity to drive around with MY... I mean, OUR car!
Laverne: No, that ain't like him.
Shirley: He probably found himself a girl and is showing her around... if you catch my drift.
She awaits Laverne's reaction.
Laverne: Oh I'll kill him!
Shirley: Aha! Jealousy! the thought of Lenny being with someone else drives you insane! (triumphantly) You, young lady, like him.
Laverne: What are you babblin' about? I'm worried about the car. Like I said, he ain't my type.
Shirley: Well it didn't seem that way last night.
Laverne: Oh?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APT. - PREVIOUS NIGHT
Lenny, Laverne, Shirley, Squiggy sit inn that order in the couch. They watch a "The Big Street" on the TV. Lenny has a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Both he and Laverne are eating.
Shirley (V.O.): Last night in this very livingroom you two seemed to be getting along pretty well...
Squiggy: What a lousy movie! Where's Ricky Ricardo?
Shirley: Don't be stupid, Squiggy. Just because Lucille Ball is in the movie doesn't mean that Desi Arnaz will be too.
Squiggy: Desi who?
Shirley: Oh just be quiet!
Lenny and Laverne eat from the bowl and suddenly they touch hands. They are surperised by the contact, but Lenny quickly tirns into a joke. He takes one of Laverne's fingers and squeezes it.
Laverne: (laughs) Ow! Len!
Shirley sees this and shakes her head.
Lenny takes a handful of popcorn and struggles with Laverne who doesn't want the popcorn inside her blouse. Lenny ends up falling off the couch.
Shirley: Will you two hush? I'm trying to watch the movie! It's almost over.
Lenny is in all fours picking up the popcorn and putting them back in the bowl. Laverne looks at him naughtily and jumps from the couch. They both collapse and laugh. She's on top of him. Squiggy sees them.
Squiggy: Whoah, mama! Have you two bee stealin' my beer?
Laverne: No! Well maybe a little...
Shirely's eyes are gllued to the TV
Shirley: Shhhhh!
Lenny turns around to face Laverne. With her hands she pins his on the floor.
Laverne: You can't move, can'tcha?
Lenny: Move? Why would I wanna move?
Laverne: Oh, you big lug!
Laverne lets go and looks bashfully away. Lenny gets up on his elbows and when Laverne looks back at him he steals a kiss.
Squiggy: You two stink. Wrestlers don't go around smooching one another. They grab each other by the neck til they choke!
Laverne: How would you like me to go over there and snap yours?
Shirley finally sees them.
Shirley: Laverne?
Laverne: Yeah?
Shirley: What are you doing?
Laverne: Playin'...
Shirley: i can see that. Please stop, okay?
Laverne/Lenny: Okaaaay.
Laverne and Lenny runn to the bedroom.
INT. BEDROOM - SAME
Laverne jumps on her bed.
Laverne: Try and catch me!
She jumps in Lenny's arms and they fall on Shirley's bed. Laverne tickles him.
INT. LIVINGROOM - SAME
The movie has made Shirley cry. She sees the tissue box is empty.
Squiggy: What a jip! When are they going to sing Babalu?
Shirley: Squiggy one more word out of your mouth and I'll make you eat the whole tube of my cucumber mask!
Squiggy: (to himself)Mmmm...cucumber...
Shirley: I need some tissue... don't touch anything while I'm gone.
Shirley gets up and goes to her room.
INT. BEDROOM - SAME
Laverne and Lenny are kissing. Shirley enters, wiping tears off her eyes. She doesn't see them. Lenny and Laverne quickly stop kissing and stare innocently at the ceiling.
Shirley: What are you two doing?
Laverne: What does it look like we're doing. We're staring at the ceilling.
Lenny: Yeah, it's got some pretty neat bubbles.
Shirley: Oh really just looking at the ceilling, eh? Well look at the ceilling in your own bed Laverne.
Laverne: Okay.
Shirley: And Len?
Lenny: Yeah?
Shirley: You got lipstick all over your face.
Shirley exits and the couple continue kissing.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APT - JUST WHERE WE LEFT.
Laverne: So we kissed a little...
Shirley: A little? The man could barely walk!
Laverne: (stares off) Yeah... (wakes up) We were a bit tipsy and we were watching a really bad movie.
Shirley: (appalled) How there you say that. The Big Street is a great movie.
Laverne: But they never sung Babalu! Anyway, Shirl there's nothing between me and Len. I don't want him getting the wrong idea.
Shirley: Well then I think you oughts tell him that.
Laverne: Can't I just leave him a note on the fridge?
Suddenly the door is blasted open. It's the Fonz.
Laverne: Fonz!
Shirley: What are you doing here?
Fonz: What's wrong with your phone? I've been trying to call you here!
Laverne:The phone line collapsed with the snow storm. What's the matter?
Fonz: It's Len. He crashed the car, he's in the hospital.
The girls look at each other in shock.
END OF ACT 1