Note: This story was inspired by the Golden Girls episode: “Home again, Rose Part 2” If you’ve seen this episode you will notice several similarities. You’ve been warned!
Another note: I know nothing of hospital procedures or doctor stuff so bear with me! You've been warned! Again!
ACT TWO
INT. HOSPITAL – FRONT DESK - LATER
Squiggy and Frank sit on a couch at the front of the desk. Laverne and Shirley storm inside yelling, asking questions, and the Fonz and Carmine calmly follow them.
Laverne: Where is he???
Shirley: How’s Lenny???
The girls continue yelling and overlapping one another.
Fonzie: COOL IT!
The girls shut up.
Fonzie: That’s better.
Laverne : Pop what happened to Lenny?
Shirley walks closer to Carmine and he holds her.
Frank: Lenny was in a car accident.
Laverne: (impatiently) We know that, pop! How’d it happen?
Frank: He was bringing your car back from Fonzie and the breaks failed. The doctors are still working on him. We’re waiting for news.
Laverne: How could the breaks fail? (to Fonzie) That’s why he brought the car to you in the first place! Didn’t you fix it?
Fonzie: (patiently) I never got to fix the car, Laverne. These three nuns came into the garage because their car had broken down and Lenny told me to work on theirs first. He even helped.
Shirley: He helped you fix the car, eh?
Fonzie: Actually he grabbed their guitar and they sang Elvis songs all afternoon. They sang “Hound Dog” fifteen times because it was Sister Florinda’s favorite.
Laverne: How did singing help fix a car?
Fonzie: He helped me by staying as far away as possible.
Shirley: Fonz that’s a terrible thing to say right now!
Fonzie: He always tries to juggle my wrenches! (beat) Yeah you’re right. He entertained those poor nuns for three hours. Then it got late and I told him to come back tomorrow.
Fonzie stops before is voice breaks.
Everybody sits down. Squiggy sits on the further seat to the right.
Frank: It… uh… happened right in front of the Pizza Bowl. Squiggy called Fonzie and told him to get you girls ‘cause your phone wasn’t working.
Laverne: Stupid storm…
Shirley: (crying) I hope he’s all right…
Carmine: Now, now Angel Face, don’t cry. Everything will be fine.
Shirley both cries softly and laughs silently.
Carmine: What?
Shirley: (to Carmine)I was just thinking… You remember the time he chased you off with a Salami because you told him that “Bonzo Goes to New York” was a bad movie?
Carmine: Yeah… He stopped chasing me when I punched him in the nose though.
Shirley: He was always doing those crazy things. He liked to make us laugh all the time. And he was good at doing stupid things… really stupid things.
Laverne: Will you two stop it? You’re talkin’ about Lenny like he was dead! And he ain’t!
Frank: Easy, Pumpkin.
Shirley: You’re right, Laverne.
Carmine: Yeah. It’s just that time’s like this make you realize how you take your friends for granted, you know?
Squiggy stands up and begins to walk away.
Laverne: Where are you going, Squig?
Squiggy: Somewhere away from all of you! You just won’t stop yappin’!
He exits.
Laverne: We should talk to him.
Shirley: Yeah.
None of the girls move. They look at one another and motion with their heads for the other to go. They start muttering “You go.”, “Come on...” etc. until it gets very loud and they start arguing and pushing one another.
Shirley: ALL RIGHT I’LL GO!
Laverne: If you insist…
Laverne sits back down.
Frank: I think we should all say a prayer.
All agree. They all sit quiet.
Frank: IS SOMEBODY GONNA SAY A PRAYER OR DO I HAVE TO SQUEEZE IT OUT OF YOU???
Laverne, Carmine and people who were passing by start saying different prayers at the same time. Laverne even kneels on the floor. Fonzie leans against the wall, shaking his head.
INT. HOSPITAL – WAITING ROOM – SAME
Squiggy is sitting down. Shirley enters and sits beside him.
Shirley: Hi, Squiggy.
Squiggy doesn’t answer.
Shirley: Um… how are you doing?
Squiggy utters an ‘Eh…’ that means so-and-so.
Shirley: It’s okay to be upset you know…
Squiggy: Upset? Who’s upset?
Shirley: You. Me. Everybody is upset!
Squiggy: Well you got it wrong, Shirley. Cause I don’t feel nothing.
Shirley: But Lenny’s your best friend!
Squiggy: So?
Shirley: I don’t believe you Squiggy. I know you are bad at many things… many, many , things, but I know you aren’t a bad at being a friend!
Squiggy shrugs.
Shirley: You expect me to believe you don’t care about Lenny? You don’t even believe it yourself!
Squiggy: Fine, fine! Will ya stop yelling? Okay, so I care! I care! I saw him--- this ain't none of your business!
Shirley: This is my business! I thought I knew you, Squig. Sure you can be a dirty, sleazy rat sometimes, but I never knew you could be so selfish. And another thing: if you ever raise your voice to me again I'm gonna--- I'm gonna point my finger at you mister (points her fingers and shakes it)!
Squiggy: I was just coming out of the Pizza bowl when I saw him in your car. The next thing I knew the car--- (voice breaks)I thought he was dead for sure.
Shirley: Squiggy don't. He is just fine. I know he is.
Squiggy: I don't know, Shirl. I looked pretty bad and the sound... the sound it made!
Squiggy breaks down. Shirley puts her arm aorund him, and their cheeks touch.
Shirley: (trying to convince her as well) He'll be okay... he'll be okay...
Squiggy grabs Shirley's sleeve snd wipes his eyes with it. Shirley looks away, patiently.
Shirley: Let's go and see if there's any news.
AT THE FRONT DESK…
Just as Squiggy and Shirley walk back, a doctor approaches the gang.
Doctor: Are you here for Leonard Kosnowski?
Frank: Yeah!
Doctor: Good news, Leonard is just fine. He just received a couple of minor fractures, broken ribs and a concussion. Nothing serious. We will be keeping him overnight though, just make sure there are no complications.
Laverne: Can we see him?
Doctor: Of course. He’s in room 120.
Laverne: (flirtatiously) Thank you, doctor.
Frank gives her the look.
Laverne: I mean, thanks doc.
The gang exits.
LENNY’S ROOM – SAME
Lenny is in his bed looking at the ceiling, he is counting the little bubbles in the paint. He is beat up a bit, but otherwise looks okay.
Laverne: Len, how ya doin’?
Lenny: Hey guys.
Frank: You okay, son?
Lenny: Yeah I guess so. My stomach feels kinda weird, though.
Carmine: It’s that hospital food. I tell ya, even I could get sick with that stuff.
Shirley: What do you mean ‘even’ you?
Carmine: Hey Shirl the Big Ragoo doesn’t get sick. (sneezes loudly; with a whiny voice) You gotta tissue?
Shirley shakes her head.
Carmine: Aw...
Lenny: Boy, I’m glad your all here!
Laverne: Of course we’re all here! We’re your pals, aren’t we?
Fonzie: Hey I brought ya something.
Lenny: You brought me something, Fonz?
Fonzie: Yeah. Sister Florinda’s got a cousin who would love you to perform Elvis songs for her… among other things. Here’s her phone. (hands Lenny a piece of paper)
Lenny: Sorry, Fonz. But I’m a one-woman man now.
Laverne hears this and gets uneasy. Everybody is surprised to hear him say that. Shirley gives Laverne the eye.
Shirley: (looking at Laverne) Oh, you are, eh Len?
Lenny: (holds Laverne’s hand) Should we tell ‘em Vernie?
Laverne smiles nervously.
Frank: (irritated, looking at Laverne) Tell us what?
Lenny: That me and La---
Laverne: Boy look at the time! Lenny you need your rest.
She slowly loosens her hand from Lenny.
Squiggy: You gave us a big scare, Len. We were worried aboutcha.
Lenny: You were?
Squiggy nods.
Fonzie: Okay everybody out. Let the guy get some sleep.
Everybody begins to exit. Laverne is the last.
Lenny: Oh and sorry about the car, Laverne.
Laverne: The car? THE CAR!!!
Fonzie grabs her arm and pulls her out the door.
INT. HOSPITAL – LENNY’S ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Laverne, Shirley and Squiggy enter. Lenny’s bed is empty.
Squiggy: Where’s Len?
Shirley: Don’t worry, Squiggy. They are probably running some tests on him.
Squiggy: Oh, no! I hope it’s not math! He ain’t good as me with numbers!
Laverne: Squiggy, how would you like to add one fractured nose to two broken legs?
Squiggy: (counts his fingers) One… plus…
Laverne: (looking up)You just couldn’t have made him a mouse or a duck, couldn’t ya God?
A doctor enters the room.
Doctor: You are here for Leonard, right?
Laverne: Yeah, were is he?
Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you this, but Leonard went into shock. We are sending him up to the OR; he’s being prepped for surgery.
Squiggy: What? Hey wait a minute here, Doc. Are you saying you’re gonna cut Lenny up?
Doctor: Well… yeah.
Shirley: You mean he could…?
Doctor: We are doing the best we can.
Laverne: Ya hear that, Shirl? They're doing the best they can! That's what they always say in the movies when it’s something really bad!
Laverne throws her arms around Shirley and cries. Squiggy leans against the wall.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL – FRONT DESK– LATER
Shirley sits and Laverne paces back and forth.
Laverne: Why won't they let us see him?
Shirley: The nurse said it's hospital regulations: relatives only.
Laverne: I know what the nurse said!
Shirley: (high-pitched weep) Why are you yelling at me? I was just trying to be nice and there you go screaming at me!
Laverne: Aw, come on, Shirl. I’m just scared! And upset! Who knows what gonna happen? I… (sits down) And I should be feeling worse…
Shirley: Worse? I don’t understand.
Laverne: (crying) It’s an awful thing to be thinking about this now, but I have to tell ya, Shirl.
Shirley: Spit it out!
Laverne: No, I can’t.
Shirley: Yes you can!
Laverne: I don’t love him. If I did I would be feeling different. I’m scared something bad will happen, but not the way I should be scared for a guy a love. Do you understand what I mean? Am I a monster?
Shirley: I do understand what you mean, Laverne. The truth is you can’t force yourself to love him, not even in times like this. That doesn’t make you a monster. The important thing is that you care about him. (takes tissue from her purse and gives it to Laverne)
Laverne: Didn't you tell Carmine you had no tissue?
Shirley: Yes I did, Laverne. Yes I did. (beat)Laverne when he gets out of that operation you two will go on being good friends just like you always been. He’ll understand.
Laverne: Thanks, Shirl.
Shirley: I’m sorry I put all that pressure in you. Always telling you that it was the real thing.
Laverne: For a while I guess I believed it myself.
Squiggy comes with two cups of coffee.
Squiggy: Here ya go girls.
Laverne: Thanks, Squig .
Squiggy: That cafeteria’s got some great food. They gave me some of that brown stuff… you know that once was yellow… and they said I could---
Laverne: Will you shut up?
The doctor approaches them.
Doctor: Have the relatives of Mr. Kosnowski arrived yet?
Laverne: What relatives? You mean his Uncle Dodek in Krakow? The man sits all day in a haystack waiting to lay eggs.
Squiggy: Poor guy. Not one has come out!
Shirley slaps Squiggy in the back of the head.
Laverne: Look, we’re his friends. Could you tell us what’s going on?
Doctor: Leonard went into shock because there’s blood in his abdomen. He must undergo laparatomy to find the laceration and stop the bleeding.
Laverne: Can we see him?
Doctor: Sorry, only relatives can see the patient.
Doctor walks away.
Laverne: Relatives, eh?
Laverne and Shirley look at each other smiling.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ICU ROOM - LATER
Lenny lies in bed. A nurse checks IV etc. Laverne, Shirley and Squiggy enter. They are wearing traditional Polish clothes. (embroidered flowers on cuffs, shoulder straps and front panel; the girls also wear bonnets etc.)
Shirley: (whispers to Laverne) You think we went a little too far?
Laverne: Who cares? They let us in didn’t they?
Lenny is half conscious; he’s on heavy medication.
Lenny: Uncle Dodek!
Nurse: He will be taking to the OR shortly. I’ll go get the doctor.
Squiggy: (polish accent) Gracias, Gracias!
The nurse looks at him strangely and exits.
Shirley: That’s Spanish you nitwit!
Squiggy shrugs.
Lenny: Uncle Dodek you look great!
Squiggy: Why thank you!
Shirley slaps in the back of the head.
Squiggy: Will you quit it!
Laverne: That ain’t your Unkle Dodek. It’s Squiggy.
Lenny: Oh. How’s Uncle Dodek?
Laverne: Will you forget about your uncle for just a minute!
Shirley: Laverne…
Laverne: Okay, okay I’m sorry.
Lenny: Well I'm going under the knife in just a few minutes...
Squiggy: You know everything's gonna be okay, right Len?
Lenny: Yeah I guess. Guys?
Squiggy: Yeah?
Lenny: Just in case something happens to me, I want you guys to make me a promise.
Shirley: Sure Lenny, what is it?
Lenny: Could you write to Uncle Dodek and see if he finnally an egg? Send him a card for me, okay?
Laverne: (annoyed)Yeah, yeah. Will do.
The doctor and nurse come in.
Doctor: Okay, Leonard, it's time to go.
The doctor and the nurse begins pushing the strecher out the door.
Laverne and Shirley walk behind them leaving Squiggy behind. He starts rubbing his eyes. The girls stand at the door waving good-bye.
Laverne: See ya later, Len!
Shirley: Have a good one!
Laverne: 'Have a good one'?
They stand looking out the door for a few seconds until they hear Squiggy sobbing. They look behind and then at each other. Shirley goes over to him and gives him a big hug.
INT. HOSPITAL - LENNY'S ROOM - ONE WEEK LATER
Lenny is in his bed. He looks much better.
Laverne: Len aren't you glad this is your last day here?
Lenny: I guess... the food's really good.
Laverne: Huh?
Lenny: They got that brown stuff that was once yellow...
Laverne: Don't start with me.
Lenny: Where do you want to go today? I read in the paper that they are gonna be showing "Bonzo goes to the Bahamas".
Laverne: Lenny I want to talk to you about... you know... you... and me...
Lenny: Uh-oh.
Laverne: Yeah... 'uh-oh'. I think we should take things a little slower. What you said the other day about you being a one-woman man really got to me. I guess I never told you that I really wasn't thinking about anything serious.
Lenny: So... what are you trying to say?
Laverne: What I'm trying to say is... imagine you are playing with Jeffrey, your stuffed iguana. Now think about not being able to play with Squiggy's moths, or pulling Boo Boo Kitty's tail anymore. All day, every day it's Jeffrey.
Lenny: Oh, I think I get---
Laverne: Jeffrey in the morning... Jeffrey at lunch time. You want to watch TV and there's Jeffrey...
Lenny: Laverne I think I get your point.
Laverne: Jeffrey at work, Jeffrey at the Pizza Bowl...
Lenny: Laverne is said I got your point!
Laverne: So? What do you think?
Lenny: Can we still make out?
Laverne: You pig!
Laverne looks around; there's nobody else around. They kiss.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
INT LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APT. - THAT NIGHT
There is a big sign in the living room that reads: "Welcome Home Lenny"
Frank, Edna, Fonzie, Carmine, and Shirley are waiting for him.
The door is burst open and Lenny, Laverne and Squiggy walk in.
Squiggy: Hello!
Everybody cheers. They all shake hands/hug Lenny.
Lenny: You guys are the best.
Frank: Wait till you see what a suprise we got for ya!
Lenny: A surprise for me? What is it.
Out the girls' room comes UNCLE DODEK.
Lenny: Uncle Dodek!!!
Uncle Dodek: Mój syn! (My son!)
They hug. Music starts and the rest of the gang dances. Uncle Dodek produces an egg out of his pocket .
The End