Poland Is Beautiful This Time Of Year
Written By: Lone Wolfette

 ONE
Laverne & Shirley's apartment, afternoon

The girls come in the door carrying paint cans and 
brushes.

"Trust me, Laverne, this'll be even better than one 
of those smut-beds you've been wanting," Shirley 
said.

"Why do I let you talk me into these things?...and 
it's not a smut-bed!" Laverne argued.

"Painting our bedroom walls will be fun.  Besides, we 
don't have any dates for tonight," Shirley said, 
going into the bedroom.

Laverne followed her. "Do ya know why that is, 
Shirl?"

"No, why?"

"I'll tell ya.  It's because you won't give any guy 
at the brewery a chance..." Laverne answered.

"I've given them chances.  It's just that most of 
them seem to always have a glazed over look and a 
smell of beer about them," Shirley said.

"Because they work at a brewery," Laverne paused.  
"Hey, Shirl, you said somethin' rather disgusting and 
the boys didn't come bargin' in.  Are they still on 
vacation?"

"Yes, Thank God!" Shirley said, then looked around 
the room.  "We're gonna have to take down the 
wallpaper and cover everything in plastic first so 
that we don't get any little paint splatters."

There's a familiar knock at the door.

"It's Carmine!  I'll be right back!" Shirley said, 
running out of the room.

"Sure, I'll wait - but only for five minutes, then I 
come and paint YOU," Laverne said.

In the living room, Shirley let Carmine in and they 
sat on the couch.

"You girls want any help painting?" Carmine asked.

Shirley started playing with Carmine's shirt collar.  
"You could find us a step-ladder."

"What do I get in return?" Carmine asked, leaning 
closer to Shirley.

"SHIRLEY!"

"Five bucks," Shirley said, quickly getting up.  She 
ran into the bedroom.

Laverne stood in the center of the room, holding a 
brush dripping with paint.  "I told you, Shirl, five 
minutes or I paint you."

Shirley smiled.  "I'm sorry, but I got Carmine to go 
get us a step-ladder!"

Laverne took a few steps closer.

Shirley's smile began to fade.  "Laverne?..."

Laverne stayed silent, still coming towards Shirley.

"Now, wait a minute, Vernie, I apologizd," Shirley 
said, beginning to back up towards the door.

Laverne kept coming.  She backed Shirley completely 
out of the bedroom and began chasing her around the 
couch.

The door flew open and Lenny came in.

"Gir-" Lenny started, but stopped and gawked at the 
girls chasing each other.  "Are you having a paint 
fight without me and Squig?"

The girls kept doing laps around the couch.

"Shirl said that we should paint our bedroom walls.  
Fine, but she starts talkin' with Carmine and leaves 
me to paint alone.  So, since she wouldn't help, I'm 
gonna paint her," Laverne said, calmly.

Shirley squealed.  "Help me!"

The girls did another lap and Lenny grabbed Shirley's 
arm and pulled her out of the running.  She spun out 
the door.  Laverne tried to follow, but tripped over 
the first step, narrowly missing Lenny, but getting 
herself on the nose.  She sat up and began laughing.

"I didn't know it was Christmas already!" Laverne 
laughed, touching a finger to her nose, then looked 
at the red paint.

Shirley came back in.  "You remind me of Rudolph!" 
she said, begining to laugh.

Lenny began laughing and the girls stopped and looked 
at him.

"What're you doin' back so soon?" Shirley asked.

"...And where's Squiggy?" Laverne asked.

"Squig's at the apartment gettin' my stuff together," 
Lenny answered.

"Huh?  Gettin' your stuff together?  You guys just 
got back, didn't you?" Laverne asked. 

"Yeah, we did, but I'm leavin' again," Lenny said.  
He turned and started for the door.

Laverne grabbed the back of his jacket.  "You wanna 
explain what's goin' on before I have to hurt you?" 
she said, still holding his jacket.  She pulled him 
over to the couch and pushed him over the arm.  He 
landed face down and Laverne sat on his legs.

"Oh, alright...but only 'cause ya asked so nice...ya 
wanna get off?" Lenny said, giving in.

Laverne got up and Lenny shifted on the couch.  She 
sat back down and Shirley sat on the other side of 
Lenny.

"Well, you remember when I said I was 89th in line 
for the throne of Poland and Squig said that all I 
need was one good plague?" Lenny asked, then paused.

The girls sat for a moment, then realized he wasn't 
going to continue.

"Yes!" Laverne said.

"You'll never guess what happened..." Lenny started.

"There was a plague and you're going to Poland," 
Shirley said, jokingly.

"How'd ya guess?" Lenny said, surprised.

"What?" Laverne asked.  "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I'm leavin' tonight," Lenny said.  "I just 
came by to say goodbye."

The girls froze with surprise.

"You're really going?" Shirley asked.

"Yup.  Hey, I gotta get goin'," Lenny said.  He got 
up and left, leaving Laverne and Shirley sitting on 
the couch, expressionless.


TWO
Lenny & Squiggy's apartment, about 15 minutes later

Squiggy has just left to do his second shift of 
deliveries for Shotz.

Lenny is gathering the last of his things.

There's a knock at the door.

"It's open," Lenny said.

The door opened and Laverne came in.

"Hi," she said, looking around the room.  All that 
was left was Squiggy's stuff.  "You're really goin'."

"Yup," Lenny said, finishing his last box.  He turned 
towards Laverne and the door.  He came up to her and 
was about to leave, but he paused, "I gotta go..."  
he was just about out the door when Laverne turned 
around to him, grabbed his arm, spun him around, and 
kissed him right on the lips.


THREE
girls' apartment, an hour later

The girls are watching TV, when a noise is heard.

"What was that?" Laverne asked.

"It sounded like it came from the dumb-waiter," 
Shirley said.  She got up, went over to the kitchen, 
and opened the door of the dumb-waiter.  She turned 
around, holding Lenny's "LONE WOLF" jacket.

Laverne came into the kitchen and saw the jacket.  
"That's what was in the dumb-waiter!?"

"Yeah," Shirley said.  She opened up the jacket and 
an envelope fell on the floor.  She picked it up and 
held it out to Laverne.  "It's got your name on it."

Laverne took the envelope, opened it, and pulled out 
the paper.  She read it silently, while Shirley began 
folding the jacket.

"What's it say?" Shirley asked.

Laverne looked at the back of the paper.  "All it 
says is 'Lone Wolfette'."


FOUR
Shotz brewery breakroom, morning

Laverne and Shirley are sitting at their usual table 
chatting.  Laverne is wearing Lenny's jacket.

Shirley got up and went to get a cup of tea.  
"Laverne, I don't understand...you slept in that 
thing!"  She sat down.

Laverne got up and went to the candy machine.  "So 
what if I did?  It seems he gave it to me."

"Yeah, but do you realize that it must've been 
touched by..." Shirley started.

The door flew open.

"Hello!" Squiggy said, coming in the room.  He went 
over to the coffee pot and looked inside.  "Yup, same 
old mold."

"Ewww...thanks for the coffee report," Shirley said, 
then covered her mouth with her hand.

"You seem awfully cheerful, Squig," Laverne pointed 
out.

"Yeah, well, I won't be wastin' my time here much 
longer," Squiggy said.

"Why?  Are they firin' ya?" Laverne asked.

"Nah, I'm quittin'," Squiggy said and sat down next 
to Shirley.

"You're quitting?  Why?" Shirley asked.  "Where are 
you gonna get money for your rent?"

"I asked Lenny to send me some every month and he 
said he'd send prob'ly five-hundred bucks a month," 
Squiggy said.

The girls' jaws dropped.

"Five-hundred bucks a month?!" Shirley repeated.

"I wouldn't mind gettin' that much," Laverne 
commented.

Squiggy grinned.  "Well, you coulda gotten half if 
ya'd married Lenny and gone wit' him!"

"You're a dead man!" Laverne said, loudly, jumping 
up.

Squiggy got up and ran out the door, slamming it 
behind him.

Laverne ran into the door.  "I hate that little guy!" 
she said, rubbing her arm.

Shirley came up to her.  "He made a good point, 
though.  He's gonna get money from Lenny and if you'd 
married him you could've sent me money," she said, 
then smiled.

Laverne turned and faced her.  "Shirl, don't help."


FIVE
girls' apartment, afternoon

Shirley is making supper.

Laverne comes in the door with the mail.  "There's 
nothin' but junk mail in here.  
Junk...junk...junk...hey!?"

Shirley looked at her.  "What?  Did we actually get a 
letter from someone?"

"Yeah, but there's no return address.  I dunno who 
it's from," Laverne said, begining to open it.  "I'm 
surprised that we even got this, I can barely read 
the hand-writing."

"Lemme see!" Shirley said, grabbing the letter.  She 
unfolded it and another paper fell to the floor.  
"This is from Lenny!"

Laverne bent down and picked up the paper.  "And this 
is a check...for five hundred bucks!"

"What!?" Shirley said, surprised.

"Read the letter, Shirl," Laverne told her.

Shirley looked at it.  "I can't read his 
hand-writing..."

"Gimme," Laverne said and snatched the letter from 
her.  "'Girls, here's a little som'en for you to 
throw around.  But don't tell Squig - I only sent him 
two-hundred and fifty bucks.  Lenny.  PS:  I'm still 
the Count Of Coolokowski!!!'  That's it."  She showed 
the PS to Shirley.

"That doesn't tell us much about any of his.  Why 
would they call on him?  There's no way a plague 
could've wiped out the eighty-eight before him!  They 
couldn't all have been in Poland!..." Shirley said.

"Shirl!" Laverne yelled, putting her hand over 
Shirley's mouth.  "Stop it.  Let's face it, he lucked 
out.  One of us had to.  Just deal with it."

"I'm sorry - it's just...just that...well, I'm 
jealous...and I dunno why," Shirley said, sitting on 
the couch.

Laverne sat next to her.  "I shouldn't've yelled at 
ya.  I dunno, I mean, I'm jealous, too - he gets to 
be a Count and all I've got is his jacket..."

The phone rang.

Laverne jumped up and ran to it.  She picked up the 
receiver.  "Hello?..."

"Hello," Squiggy said, coming in the door.

"Shh!" Laverne said.  "Who?  Lenny!"

Shirley juped up and the three met at the phone and 
began fighting over it.

"I had it first!" Laverne said, yanking the phone 
away.  "Sorry, these two were fightin' me for the 
phone.  So, what's the story over there?"


SIX
Poland, Lenny's house

Lenny looked around the room.  "Well, there's not too 
much goin' on now...oh, sorry!  You guys would love 
it here.  I don't hafta do nothin'!  There's this guy 
that's always wearin' this black suit and he's always 
askin' me if I want him to do stuff for me..."

"That's probably the butler, Len," Laverne said.

"Oh, so that's why he told me he 'butles'," Lenny 
said.  "It's not too bad here, but these people won't 
leave me alone."

"Well, that's part of their job, Len," Laverne said.

"Hey, Laverne, are Squig and Shirley still there?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, I wanted to tell ya som'en.  You think you could 
get rid of them?" 

"I can try."


SEVEN
girls' apartment

"Could you two go out on the stoop or somethin'?" 
Laverne said, shooing them away.

"Why?" Squiggy asked.

"You especially - get out!  If Len wants to talk to 
YOU, he can call YOU, but he called us so get lost!"

"Fine.  i'll just leave," Squiggy said, starting 
towards the door.  "You can tell I'm leavin', my 
voice is gettin' fainter."  He went up the stairs.

"You, too, Shirl.  Uh, go into the bedroom or 
somethin'."

"Okay, let me know when you're off," Shirley said and 
went into the bedroom.

"Okay, Len, what is it?"


EIGHT
Lenny's house

"I don't like it here," Lenny said.

"What?!  Why?" Laverne asked.

The butler came in the room.

Lenny moaned.  "Oh, he's back again."  He turned to 
the butler.  "I still don't need nothin'.  I'll 
letcha know when I do."

The butler left.

"Laverne, I'm comin' home, but don't tell no body.  I 
wanna surprise everybody, okay?" Lenny said.

"Okay," Laverne answered.

"Bye."

"Bye, Len," Laverne said and hung up the phone.


NINE
girls' apartment, a few days later

It's three in the morning.  Laverne is walking around 
half-asleep, trying to get a glass of milk'n'Pepsi.

There's a knock at the window.

"Huh?" Laverne said, staggering towards the window.  
She grabbed one side of the curtains and opened the 
window.  "Lenny!"

"Shh!  Ya don't hafta announce to the whole 
neighborhood I'm back.  Geez," Lenny said.

"What're ya doin' out there?..." Laverne started.

"I saw the light on...Can I come in?  That creepy guy 
that looks like Ricky Ricardo is out here and I think 
he's gonna start singin'...and I don't wanna be out 
here when the whole neighborhood starts throwin' 
stuff at him," Lenny said.

"Yeah...once that guy starts, he doesn't stop 'til 
the cops come," Laverne said.  She closed the window 
and the curtain, then went to unlock the door.


TEN
morning

Shirley staggered out of the bedroom and stopped, 
then screamed.

Lenny rolled off the table behind the couch.

Laverne sat up quickly.  "Shirl!  What're ya tryin' 
to do?  Scare us to death?  All ya had to do was 
shake me."

Shirley pointed at Lenny, who was getting up off the 
floor.  What're you doin' here?"

"I didn't like it there...I missed you guys," Lenny 
said.

"Even Squiggy?" Shirley asked.

"Yeah," Lenny said, not too sure.

"Anyway, atleast Laverne won't be sleeping, wearing 
your jacket anymore," Shirley said.

"Shirl!" Laverne said, jumping up.  She ran over and 
put her hand over Shirley's mouth.

"Oh, yeah.  Can I have it back?" Lenny asked.

"All right," Laverne said.  She went over to the 
closet, opened the door, and stepped in.  She emerged 
holding the jacket.

Shirley went back into the bedroom.

Laverne handed the jacket to Lenny.  "Why did ya 
leave a paper in it that said 'Lone Wolfette'?"

Lenny put the jacket on.  "Because..."  He went to 
the door and opened it.  "You love me," he said and 
went out the door, closing it quickly behind him.

Laverne stayed silent.  She convinced herself that 
she wouldn't scream or run after him.

Suddenly, laughter came from the bedroom.

Laverne went in to find Shirley laughing, almost 
hysterically.  "What're you laughin' at?"

Shirley calmed herself down to giggling, got up, and 
put her arm around Laverne's shoulders.  "I think you 
two make a cute couple!"

Laverne steped away and went over to her bed.  She 
sat down and picked up her mirror.  She looked at 
herself.  "Yeah?  Well, I think that you and Squiggy 
make a cuter couple!"

Shirley screamed.

Laverne started laughing.

THE END   :)

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