RATING: PG (Just because it involves mature themes, but it isn't an "adult" fic)
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NOTES: The plot changed a wee bit in mid-stream, but I think it came out fairly funny.
CATEGORY: L&L romance, S&C Romance, humor
FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!
SPOILLER/SUMMARY: Directly set after "Lenny's Crush"; when the girls take a magazine quiz, they discover who their alleged 'soul mates' really are; for better or worse...

FOR ASHLEY
****

(Set right after the "Lenny's Crush" episode 304.)

(ACT 1:-Scene, Exterior, Knapp Street building. It's night. We hear the show's familiar cheerful incidental music as we zoom in on the girls' lamplit living room windows).

(Interior-girls' apartment. We see Shirley in her bathrobe reclining on the sofa; she holds a magazine in one hand, a pencil in the other and appears to be very engrossed in whatever it is that she's doing).

(Enter Laverne, who slams the front door open. She huffs and pants, her eyes wide and furious, before whipping off her mud-stained slicker {Which only succeeds in a few moments of struggle before she rends the piece of clothing in two} and stalking to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her).

SHIRLEY: -without looking up, and while leisurely turning a page in her magazine-: "Laverne, don't slam the door. You'll wake everyone in the building."

(Laverne's answer is a series of short, loud slamming noises. Shirley's ability to concentrate deteriorates until she finally gives up and follow's Laverne's path to the bedroom.)

(Cut-Int. Girl's bedroom. Laverne is oblivious to Shirley's presence as she unceremoniously tosses a series of objects into a cardboard box. We can make out a rose, a stuffed teddy bear, two restaurant menus and a candle that's been burned to near-nothingness as they land in the box with great flourish).

SHIRLEY -making a face at the noise-: "Laverne? Laverne?"

(Laverne ignores her completely, folding the tops of the box closed and storming out of the bedroom)

(Cut-Int.Living Room. Laverne crosses it, her anger evident in every stride. Shirley follows her, holding her robe together with one hand and reaching to grab Laverne's shoulder with the other. She finally catches up with her at the dumbwaiter, which Laverne opens. She places the box inside of it and bends down, sticking her head up the shaft).

LAVERNE -yelling up the dumbwaiter-: "Lenny! Squiggy!"

BOTH BOYS -whiny-: "What?"

LAVERNE: "Here's some stuff for ya! Have fun!"

BOTH BOYS -childlike-: "Oooh!"

(Laverne slams the dumbwaiter closed with a satisfied smirk. She looks up and sees Shirley standing before her with arms crossed.)

SHIRLEY: "What was all of that about?"

LAVERNE -evasively-: "Ahh, nothin..Just gettin' rid of some trash..."

SHIRLEY: -frowning-: "But I thought I saw the roses Rusty gave you last week in that box..." -realization dawns- "Oh no..don't tell me...You went out with Rusty last night..."

LAVERNE -tense-: "Ohh, we went out alright...Right out th' window."

SHIRLEY -gossipy-: "Vernie, what happened?"

LAVERNE -as she walks to the couch-: "We went to Houlihan's Red Hots; that new hot dog stand? And the whole time we were there he made me sit on the roof of the car and hold the wieners while he flirted with our car hop."

SHIRLEY -disdainfully-: "The Cad!"

LAVERNE: "Then we went to the movies. Elizabeth Taylor, Rock Hudson; everyone else in the place is makin' out, and Rusty's sittin there sayin' 'Boy, too bad you ain't like that Liz Taylor. She's got curves that go on alll day.." -makes sarcastic smoochy, sucking noises similar to the kind Squiggy makes when he sees a 'hot girl' as she gestures in mid-air, recreating Liz's curves-

SHIRLEY -with nose curled up disdainfully-: "Sounds like Rusty was on a date with his own imagination, eh?"

-Laverne nods and frowns, walking to the refrigerator door and withdrawing two objects; a glass bottle of milk and a smaller bottle of Pepsi-

LAVERNE: "I told him ta take me home. Didn't even get to see the end of the movie."

SHIRLEY: "You wouldn't like it anyway. Liz leaves Rock for Henry Fonda.." -Shirley slaps her own hand over her mouth, guilty at having revealed the ending-

-Laverne looks up from the making of her concoction- LAVERNE: "Ya ruined the endin', Shirl! The only good thing about the whole date was the movie, and now..."

-they begin to argue, their voices meshing into one entity so that it's impossible to tell what they're shouting at one another. The argument lasts for a few moments and finally ends when Laverne's voice overtakes Shirley's in volume-

LAVERNE: "Ah, forgetit, Shirl. I ain't mad at ya. I was just hopeful that me an' Rusty'd get along good."

SHIRLEY: -calming down-: "I could have told you that boy was bad news... Well, I could have told you that wouldn't happen, just looking at him. Not every man is a certified Prince Charming."

-The Front Door Slams Open-

SQUIGGY: Hello!

-the boys stroll into the apartment, carrying a few items from the box Laverne had left in the dumbwaiter. Squiggy's picking his teeth with the stem of the dried rose, and Lenny's holding something behind his back, and trying to look very inconspicuous and innocent while doing it-

SHIRLEY -while wearing a disgusted expression-: "That's not a toothpick, Squig," She reaches to pull the rose from between his teeth-

LAVERNE: "It is now; I told them they can do anything they want with it. And if Squig wants to pick his teeth with that rose, it's his right."

SHIRLEY -whiny-: "But it's a rose! A beautiful rose..."

LAVERNE: "It WAS a rose, Shirl. Now it's just a dead, dried-up thing."

SQUIGGY: "Are we talkin' about Shirley's love life again?"

-Shirley glares venomously at Squiggy, who tries to hide behind an unusually argumentative Lenny. He won't let his best friend hide behind him, and the two get into a brief shouting match. Laverne thrusts herself between them and interrupts-

LAVERNE: "Quit it!! Quit it!" -they reluctantly quit arguing. Lenny keeps his arms behind his back the entire time- "What're you doing here, fellas?"

LENNY: -intentionally innocent-: "Nothin'..." -he rocks back and forth on his heels, arm still clasped behind his back-

-Laverne tilts her head and watches Lenny, quite sure he's hiding something from her-

SQUIGGY: -taking the rose from his mouth-: "What Lenny here was trying to say was that we wanna thank you for alla this neat junk you sent."

LENNY: "Yeah, so how's Friday?"

-both girls are obviously confused. They exchange a wary glance-

LAVERNE: "Friday?"

SQUIGGY: "Yeah, Friday! That's when The Rialto's putting on Dr. Ognaki's Monsterfest!"

LENNY: "Twelve Hours a' Baugaron, Mothera, Zigra, Gamera..."

LAVERNE -springing up from her seat at the kitchen counter-: "And Godzilla?!"

LENNY: -giving her a cock-eyed look-: "What kinda respectable Monsterfest would it be without Big G?"

-Shirley's clearly horrified, while Laverne actually looks excited-

SHIRLEY -shifting her stance and trying to seem more interested-: "What brought on this attack of niceness, boys?"

LENNY -insistant-: "I toldya, we wanna thank you fer all of this neat junk."

SQUIGGY -interrupting-: "Yeah, and I figgered you needed yer brains lifted after Rusty dumped ya tonight.."

-It dawns on Shirley that Laverne's been lying to her, at least about how the breakup occurred. Laverne's own expression is implacable; she tries to hide her inner turmoil from Shirley but instantly melts under her incredulous scrutiny-

LENNY: -cutting him off-: "Wadidya say that for!"

LAVERNE -angered-: "How did ya know about that?!"

LENNY -guilty-: "Well, anyone coulda heard ya yellin' at that Weenie place!"

SQUIGGY: "Yeah, all of that screamin' gave Francine a noseache. She made me take 'er home early."

LAVERNE: -as she walks from behind the counter and pokes Lenny in the chest-: "What's the big idea, followin' me on a date here?!"

LENNY -smugly-: "We wasn't followin' ya." -smugness fades- "Francine wanted hot weiners, so I had ta get 'em for her."

LAVERNE -confused-: "I thought Francine's Squiggy's girl."

LENNY: "That's why I had ta get em, Squig was too busy makin' out with her."

SQUIG -with perverse joy-: "Yeah, too bad she didn't come through with that date for ya."

LENNY: "Eh, it's alright. I didn't wanna make out too much tonight, anyway."

LAVERNE -sighing-: "Len, I don't think it's a good idea for us to go out. I don't think yer over the crush you had on me yet."

LENNY: "Well, it don't have to be romantic 're nothin. We can just be friends goin' to the movies, like last time."

(Laverne turns her head and starts to mull this over. In the background, Squiggy and Shirley are fighting over the rose, which, in the middle of their tug-of-war over it, disintegrates.)

SHIRLEY: "Look what you did to it!"

SQUIGGY: "Waddya mean me?! You was the one yankin' on it! Now my thumb's all shredded!"

SHIRLEY: "Let me see," -He gives her his hand-, "Squiggy, there's one little thorn in your thumb!"

SQUIGGY -"cleverly"-: "Yer holdin' my hand, Shirl. That means ya like me!" -he bends forward and kisses it-

-Shirley's face contorts in near-pain and she lets out a high-pitched squeal-

-cut to Laverne and Lenny-'

LAVERNE: "Just as friends?"

LENNY: "Just as friends."

LAVENE -playfully-: "Waddya got hidin' behind your back?"

LENNY -childishly, hiding his hand-; "I ain't tellin'."

-She stops mulling it over and smiles-

LAVERNE: "OK. Eight on Friday?"

LENNY; "Eight on Friday," -over his shoulder as he turns to leave; Laverne follows him, almost hypnotically- "C'mon, Squig, I've gotta start marinatin' the pig snouts if I want 'em ready by then."

SQUIGGY -dropping Shirley's hand like a bad habit and spoken as he crosses the room and exits the apartment-: "Len, ya fool; anyone knows that pig snouts needta be marinated for a whole week before ya eat 'em."

LENNY: "Not the way I make em!" -he turns to Laverne and finally hands her what he'd been holding the entire time; her stuffed pony, which apparently had gone out by mistake- "This is for you." -they share an affectionate look before Lenny closes the door behind him-

-Laverne's expression is positively misty; she looks down at the stuffed pony and then hugs it to her chest-

LAVERNE: -bashfully-"Awww..." -she sees Shirley, who looks catatonic and is holding her hand out in front of her as though she might want to wrench her own arm from it's socket-

LAVERNE: -more sympathetically- "Awww..."

(FADE OUT)

(Scene 2, Act 1: EXT. Pizza Bowl, )

LAVERNE -VO-; "I dunno, Shirl.."

(INT. Pizza Bowl; the girls are sitting at their usual table and are wearing their bowling shirts)

SHIRLEY -holding the same magazine from the previous scene-: "Oh, come on! It'll be fun!"

LAVENE -making a disgusted face-: "I don't really put much trust in them magazine quizzes, Shirl."

SHIRLEY -shaking her head-: "Laverne, Laverne, Laverne...This doesn't mean anything! It's just a silly, trifling little quiz to pass the time while we wait for Terri Buffafuco to show up!"

LAVERNE -sighing-: "All right; what's this thing called?"

SHIRLEY -reading-: "Your Soulmate: How to identify the man of your dreams in five easy steps with our quiz!"

LAVERNE -nervously-: "Shirl!"

SHIRLEY: "Oh, don't be a stick in the mud...Let's see, question number one: which of the following seasons do you preffer: Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, or Hunting Season?"

LAVERNE: -slightly confused-: "Summer."

SHIRLEY: -checking something off with a pen-: "Oh,.kay...that's a b...There we go! Question number two; Do you like your men A, Tall, B, Handsome C, Dark or D, Unemployed?"

LAVERNE: -thoughtfully-: "A."

SHIRLEY: -marking the option-: "OK, there we go..Question Three: which member of your immediate family or close family circle would you prefer your significant other to act just like? A, your best friend, B, Your parent or parents, C, your beautician, or D, your accountant."

LAVERNE: -slowly, more reluctantly-: "Uhhh...B."

-Shirley starts to mark it, then realizes what Laverne's just said-

SHIRLEY: "B?! You want to marry a man who yells at you constantly and calls you 'muffin'?!"

LAVERNE -reluctantly-: "Well, I don't wanna marry a beautician! I don't even have one of 'em! And accountants are always chewin' on the ends of pens, and that drives me nuts!"

SHIRLEY -wildly-: "Am I chopped liver?!"

LAVERNE: "Shirl, ya know you're my best friend and all, but...well, marryin' a guy like you would just...make ya seem less special! I wouldn't ever wanna do that to ya!"

SHIRLEY -suspiciously-: "Really?"

LAVERNE: -simply-: "Yeah! Now, what's the next question?"

SHIRLEY -reading-: "Question 4: name your favorite type of dog: A), Laborador, B) Golden Retriever, C) Basset Hound, and D) Dalmatian."

LAVERNE -smiling-: "Basset hounds're the ones with the cute, floppy ears, right?"

SHIRLEY: "They do have them, but that could describe any breed of dog out there."

LAVERNE: -defensively-: "C."

SHIRLEY -as she marks it off-: "Question 5, the final question: If your man could be any tree, what kind of tree would he be? A) Maple, B) Oak, C) Sumac or D): Anything with sap in it."

LAVERNE -puzzled-; "What kinda question is that? Lemme see that!" -Shirley shows her the magazine-"Waddya know, sap."

SHIRLEY -taking the magazine back-: "I need an answer, Laverne."

LAVERNE -frustrated-: "Ugh, I dunno...D?"

SHIRLEY: -marking it down-: "OK, now I just need to add up all of your points.." -she starts adding together-: "And divide by two...round up..translate them into letters..." -Shirley turns pale and tries to hide the magazine- "I don't think you're strong enough to see this, Laverne."

LAVERNE: -frowning-: "Waddya mean?! You said it was just a silly little quiz!"

SHIRLEY: -laughing frantically-: "Did I say that? I meant it was a Terribly important, life-changing quiz! One that, if you saw the answers to it, would alter the very fabric of your life!"

LAVERNE -grabbing for the magazine-: "Gimmie that!"

(They wrestle for it briefly, managing to knock over the beers they'd had on the table. As Shirley leaps out of her seat to prevent her new bowling shirt from getting stained, Laverne triumphantly grabs the magazine out of her hand and take a good look at it.)

LAVERNE -nonplussed-: "Shirl, all this says is that my soulmate was born in October!"

SHIRLEY -wailing-: "I know that! That's why I didn't want you to see it!" -overly dramatic-: "I tried to protect you, Laverne!"

LAVENE -still not very impressed-: "Shirl, this quiz is a buncha baloney! We don't even know anyone who was born in October!"

SHIRLEY -stiffly-: "What's Lenny's birthday?"

LAVERNE -naturally-: "October Eight, 193..."

(she trails off and her eyes bulge out. She turns and stares back over her seat to several tables behind them, where Lenny's trying to sucessfully perform a "double-foldo, backward-flippo" with his piece of pizza . Unfortunately, the pizza seems greasier than usual; he's getting sauce all over himself. He finally catches himself in the eye and drops the pizza, letting out a whiny noise)

LAVERNE -somewhat less horrified than she should be under these circumstances-: "Aww, no, no.."

SHIRLEY -still dramatic-: "I tried to warn you!"

LAVERNE -calming down a bit-: "Well, it IS just a silly quiz, like ya said...and besides, what's so bad about Lenny bein' my soulmate?"

SHIRLEY -agast-: "Laverne, we're talking about Lenny Kosnowski! :The same boy who tried to crash our slumber parties so that he could see us in our underwear! The same boy who mashes you whenever you're in the same room together! The same boy who eats dogfood!"

LAVERNE: -shaking her head-: "Aww, Shirl, you just don't know Len the way I do! He doesn't mean anything by it." -she gives Shirley a superior look-: "Ya know, Shirl, it sounds like you put a lot more stock in this quiz stuff than you say ya do."

SHIRLEY: -indignantly-: "I do not! In fact, last month's quiz about 'your perfect mate' was a total farce! If I'd only gotten a "four" instead of a "three" on question four, I wouldn't be going out on a date with Carlo Carole tomorrow night!" -realizes that she's said too much-

LAVERNE: -amused-: "Crazy Carlo?! The guy who wears his underwear on his wrist?!"

SHIRLEY -standoffishly-: "You have no idea how insightful these quizzes are, Laverne!"

LAVERNE: "Really, now?" she takes the magazine from Shirley's hand-: "Well, let's just make a friendly wager, here..."

SHIRLEY-a bit frantically-: "Laverne?! What are you doing, Laverne."

LAVERNE: "You would've answered B, B, A, A and A, right?"

SHIRLEY: "Yeah, but..."

LAVERNE: -starts adding and mubling to herself-: "Carry the 4..." -she smiles to herself-: "Back to that wager thing here...Since I'm goin' out with my 'soul mate' on Friday, how about you go out with YOUR soulmate, too? Same day, same place?"

SHIRLEY -thoughtfully-: "What does the winner get?"

LAVERNE: "Loser buys the winner the new Elvis record."

SHIRLEY -dreamily-: "The one with the gatefold center?"

LAVERNE: "The very one!"

SHIRLEY: -firmly-:"Fine! I haven't been out with Carmine in awhile, it'll be good to see him again."

LAVERNE: -smugly-: "Unless Carmine's birthday's in the middle of July, he ain't your soulmate."

SHIRLEY -slow-burning panic-: "He isn't my soulmate?! He isn't my soulmate?!" -she grabs the magazine from Laverne's hand and reads the results she's scribbled there-: "But the only person we know who was born in July is..."

(Frank emerges from the restaurant's kitchen, holding a tray of pizza, which he plants in the hand of a nearby waitress)

FRANK -loudly-: "PICKUP!" -to Shirley and Laverne-: "Whatt're you two lookin' at?"

(Dramatic music sting as the girls share a horrified look)

(FADE OUT)

Continue to Soulmates Part 2

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