Long before Scully and Mulder, Scott Nicol was The Cancer Man. Like his idol, Frank Sinatra, Scott enjoys several dozen smokes a day. Unlike his now-dead idol, Scott doesn't have a lot of cash, nor does he regularly bed starlets - and I'm the classiest friend he has, so you know this guy's scraping bottom.

I have the great joy of living with Cancer Man, and I get to see him wake up early every morning. Does he get up early so he can enjoy the new day? No, Cancer Man needs a smoke. Cough, cough...run out to the stoop and get the paper...cough, cough...make some coffee. Cancer Man coughs every morning. He says it's the weather, or it must be allergies. No Cancer Man, it's the 3 packs of cigarettes you smoked yesterday.

I'm sure The Chairman of the Board looks down from that swinging lounge in the sky and is very proud of Cancer Man. Too bad Frank is gone, if he were still alive, he could autograph Cancer Man's X-rays when the black spots show up.

Scott "Cancer Man" Nicol

(Note: Cigarette in right hand)

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