Iamfred.com. Web Hosting, Jokes, Computer tips & other cool stuff

<body topmargin="0" bottommargin="5" leftmargin="0" bgcolor="teal" link="green" vlink="browne" alink="blue"> <div align="left"> <!form method=post action=/cgi-bin/signup> <h2><a name="mytop"><font color="#00000B" size="7" face="Times Roman"><b>I AM <i><blink>ƒred</blink></i></b></font><font color="#00000B" size="6" face="Times Roman"><sup><sup><sup><sup><sup><b>Ž</b></sup></sup></sup></sup></sup><b>. That is my name. This is my home!</b></font> </a></h2> <p align="center"><a name="mytop"><img src="images/fred.gif" alt="Logos were also designed by Fred" width="350" height="300"> <HREF=fred.html#mytop><img src="images/dbf.gif" alt="This web site was Done By Fred" align="center" width="45" height="38"></a></p> <table align="center" border=0 cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" width="99%" bgcolor=purple> <tr> <td valign="top" align="left"> </td>  <td valign="bottom" align="left" bgcolor=#FFFFFF> <table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" bgcolor="purple" width="100%"> <tr> <td align="left" valign="bottom" width="10%"> <table border="0" bordercolor="red" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" align="left" width="10"><b><img src="images/tlmainflap.jpg" width="7" height="22"></b></td> <td background="images/smlogo.jpg" valign="bottom" nowrap><font color="orange" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"><b>Iamƒred.com</b></font></td> <td valign="top" align="right" background="images/smlogo.jpg" width="8"><img src="images/trmainflap.jpg" width="7" height="22"></td> <td valign="top" align="right" width="1"><img src="" width="1" height="10"></td> </tr> </table> </td> <td align="left" valign="bottom"> <table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="1"> <tr> <td valign="bottom"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" align="left"><img src="images/tlbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> <td valign="top" align="left" bgcolor="orange" nowrap> <font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1" color="purple"><a href="mysite/mysite.html#mytop"><font color="purple">www.yourfirm.com!</font></a></font></td> <td valign="top" align="right"><img src="images/trbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> </tr> </table> </td> <td valign="bottom"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" align="left"><img src="images/tlbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> <td valign="top" align="left" bgcolor="orange" nowrap> <font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1"><a href="jokes/jokes.html#mytop"><font color="purple">Jokes, Cartoons</font></a></font></td> <td valign="top" align="right"><img src="images/trbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> </tr> </table> </td> <td valign="bottom"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" align="left"><img src="images/tlbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> <td valign="top" align="left" bgcolor="orange" nowrap> <font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1"><a href="tips/tips.html#mytop"><font color="purple">Tips, Tricks, Help</font></a></font></td> <td valign="top" align="right"><img src="images/trbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> </tr> </table> </td> <td valign="bottom"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" align="left"><img src="images/tlbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> <td valign="top" align="left" bgcolor="orange" nowrap> <font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="1"><a href="stuff/stuff.html#mytop"><font color="purple">Cool stuff</font></a></font></td> <td valign="top" align="right"><img src="images/trbflap.gif" width="7" height="19"></td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> </table> <table border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="6" width="100%"> <tr align="left" valign="top"> <td width="100%" background="images/smlogo.jpg"> <!BEGIN INSERT HERE> <div class=Section1> <p class=MsoNormal>Are you saying, "Wow, I would like a site like that!" but think you can't afford <a href="mysite\mysite.html#mytop">your own web site?</a> Face it, the computer generation has been lying to you. The truth is all you really need is not money but a whiz kid on your side.</p> <p>What I'm offering you, your tech advisers will tell you is not realistic. Well this site you are on is one such 'unrealistic' web sites. Yep, tell them check out iamfred.com and tell you what they think.</p> <p>All web sites done by iamfred.com are covered by our TOTAL SATISFACTION QUARANTEE. We will deliver a working copy ready for your testing and approval before you ever receive a bill. If it isn't what you had in mind, no problem, we're out of your life.</p> <p>Put us to the test! You have nothing to loose.</p> <p>For more information click the <a href="mysite\mysite.html#mytop">www.yourfirm.com</a> tab above or send email to <a href="mailto:mysite@iamfred.com">mysite@iamfred.com</a>.</p> <div class=MsoNormal> <hr size=2 width="75%" noshade color="#008040" align=left> </div> <h1><a name=jokes>Now for the smiles</a></h1> <p style='margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l1 level1 lfo4; tab-stops:list .5in'><![if !supportLists]><span style='font-family:Symbol'>ˇ<span style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'>        </span></span><![endif]>A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. </p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'> "But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. </p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'> He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. </p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'> I'll take care of all the child's expenses." </p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'> Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. </p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'> Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."</p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'>The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." </p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'>Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. </p> <p style='margin-left:.5in'>The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without." </p> <p> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:.5in'><u1:wrapblock><u2:shapetype id="_x0000_t75" coordsize="21600,21600" u1:spt="75" u1:preferrelative="t" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" filled="f" stroked="f"><u2:stroke joinstyle="miter"/><u2:formulas><u2:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"/><u2:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"/><u2:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"/><u2:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"/><u2:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"/><u2:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"/><u2:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"/><u2:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"/><u2:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"/><u2:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"/><u2:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"/><u2:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"/></u2:formulas><u2:path u1:extrusionok="f" gradientshapeok="t" u1:connecttype="rect"/><u1:lock u2:ext="edit" aspectratio="t"/></u2:shapetype><u2:shape id="_x0000_s1027" type="#_x0000_t75" style="position:absolute;
 left:0;text-align:left;margin-left:44.7pt;margin-top:0;width:6in;height:303pt;
 z-index:1;mso-position-horizontal:absolute;mso-position-vertical:top"><u2:imagedata src="/images/garage.jpg" u1:title="garage"/><u3:wrap type="topAndBottom"/></u2:shape><img border=0 width=576 height=404 id="_x0000_i1034" src="http://www.iamfred.com/images/garage.jpg" u2:shapes="_x0000_s1027"></u1:wrapblock></p> <u1:p></u1:p> <ul type=disc> <li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; mso-list:l1 level1 lfo4;tab-stops:list .5in'>A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in <u1:p></u1:p>her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. <u1:p></u1:p></li> </ul> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>Strike while the..........................bug is close. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>Never underestimate the power of..........termites. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>You can lead a horse to water but.........how? <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>No news is................................impossible. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>A miss is as good as a....................Mr. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>You can't teach an old dog new............math. <o:p></o:p></p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:1.0in'>If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning.</p> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in'><a href="jokes\jokes.html#more"><strong><i><span style='font-family:"TIMES ROMAN";color:green'>more of this and other jokes</span></i></strong></a><strong><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Times'> <u1:p></u1:p></span></strong></p> <h1><a name=tips> <hr size=2 width="75%" noshade color="#008040" align=left> </a></h1> <h1><span style='mso-bookmark:tips'><span style='color:black'>Tips, Tricks, Help</span></span></h1> <ul type=disc> <li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; mso-list:l1 level1 lfo4;tab-stops:list .5in;mso-layout-grid-align:none; text-autospace:none'><b><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Comic Sans MS"; color:black'>To quickly display you computer’s system properties </span></b><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Comic Sans MS";color:black'>press both the <b>‘Window’</b> & <b>‘Pause’ </b>keys.</span></li> </ul> <u1:p></u1:p> <ul type=disc> <li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; mso-list:l2 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list .5in'><b><span style='color:black'>If you are using Microsoft Outlook to send and receive email messages</span></b><span style='color:black'>, you can greatly increase the flexibility of messages you type by using Word as you email editor. Even more so when you send messages in html format.</span></li> </ul> <p class=MsoBodyTextIndent style='margin-left:.5in'>For example you can insert links so the reader can quickly skip from one part of the message to another.You can check the progress of a document you have sent to print by double clicking the printer icon that appears in the system tray</p> <p class=MsoBodyTextIndent style='margin-left:.5in'><b>‘Tools’</b>, <b>‘Options’</b>, then the <b>‘Mail Format’</b> tab.</p> <p class=MsoBodyTextIndent style='margin-left:.5in'>There should be tick box that says ‘Use Microsoft word to edit email messages’</p> <p class=MsoBodyTextIndent style='margin-left:.5in'>Locate the ‘Send in this message format’ section and choose <b>‘HTML’</b> from the drop-down list.</p> <p><a name=tech><strong><i><u><span style='font-size:18.0pt;font-family:"TIMES ROMAN"; color:navy'>Higher Level Tips</span></u></i></strong></a></p> <p><span style='mso-bookmark:tech'><b><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:red'>WARNING: Professionals ONLY! </span></b></span><span style='mso-bookmark:tech'><b><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:red'>This is NO joke</span></b></span><span style='mso-bookmark:tech'><b><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:red'>!</span></b></span></p> <ul type=disc> <li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; mso-list:l3 level1 lfo2;tab-stops:list .5in'><b><span style='font-family: "Book Antigua";color:black'>As promised last month, here's how to customize the look of your Windows </span></b><a href="#bootmenu"><b><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:black'>startup menu</span></b></a></li> </ul> <p style='margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in'><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:black'>Insert the following line in the [Menu] section of the '<u>config.sys</u>' file insert a line with the following syntax:<br> <br> MENUCOLOR=</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:lime'>x</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:purple'>,</span><span style='font-family: "Book Antigua";color:red'>y</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:purple'><br> <br> </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:lime'>x</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:purple'> </span><span style='font-family: "Book Antigua";color:black'>- Specifies the color of the menu text. You can specify a value from 0 to<br> 15; (see "</span><a href="#color"><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:black'>Color Values</span></a><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:black'>" bellow.)</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:purple'><br> <br> </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:red'>y</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:black'> - <em>(Optional)</em> Specifies the color of the screen background. You can specify a value<br> from 0 to 15; (see "</span><a href="#color"><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:black'>Color Values</span></a><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:black'>" bellow.) The </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:red'>y</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:purple'> </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:black'>value is optional; if you do not specify a value, MS-DOS uses a black background. Logically, if you don't use the </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:red'>y</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:purple'> </span><span style='font-family: "Book Antigua";color:black'>value you don't need the comma.<br> <br> Use different values for </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua"; color:lime'>x</span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:purple'> </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:black'>and </span><span style='font-family:"Book Antigua";color:red'>y</span><span style='font-family: "Book Antigua";color:black'>, or the text will not be visible.</span><o:p></o:p></p> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td rowspan="2" colspan="2" width="160"><table border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0" width="50%" bordercolor="#000080"> <tr> <td colspan="4" bgcolor="#DDC100"><a name="color"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Color Values</font></a></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">0</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Black </font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">8</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Gray</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">1</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Blue</font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">9</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Bright blue</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">2</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Green</font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">10</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Bright green</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">3</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Cyan</font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">11</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Bright cyan</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">4</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Red </font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">12</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Bright red</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">5</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Magenta</font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">13</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00" nowrap><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Bright magenta</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">6</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Brown</font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">14</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Yellow</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">7</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00"><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">White</font></td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00">15</td> <td bgcolor="#FFFF00" nowrap><font color="#800080" size="3" face="Book Antigua">Bright white</font></td> </tr> </table> </td> <td width="10" height="10"> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="10" bgcolor="#800000" height="250"> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="10" height="10"> </td> <td width="150" bgcolor="#800000" height="10"> </td> <td width="10" bgcolor="#800000" height="10"> </td> </tr> </table> <p><a href="tips\tips.html#morewindows"><i><span style='font-size:18.0pt; font-family:"TIMES ROMAN";color:green'>More tips</span></i></a><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Book Antigua"'> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <div class=MsoNormal> <hr size=3 width="100%" noshade color="#004000" align=left> </div> <u1:p></u1:p> <p align=center style='text-align:center' valign=center><span style='font-family: Times'><a href="http://www.iamfred.com/cgi-bin/signup" target=_blank><img src=/fs_img/count/odometer/5.gif border=0 alt=5><img src=/fs_img/count/odometer/9.gif border=0 alt=9><img src=/fs_img/count/odometer/0.gif border=0 alt=0><img src=/fs_img/count/odometer/8.gif border=0 alt=8></a> <hr size=2 width="100%" align=center> </div> <address><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Times'>Copyright </span><a href="terms.html"><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Times'>Š 2000 IamFredŽ.com</span></a><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Times'>.<br> Last updated on the beautiful Caribbean island of </span><a href="http://www.svgtourism.com"><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family: Times'>St. Vincent,</span></a><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Times'> Saturday, May 03, 2008 10:15:36 PM<br> For more information contact us at: </span><a href="mailto:fred@iamfred.com"><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Times'>fred@iamfred.com</span></a><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Times'> </span></address> </div> <! 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