"Hey, maybe I'll glow if I take these long enough." Jael laughed and popped the tablet in her mouth.
* * * * *
And I'm losin' control
* * * * *
Jenn sat in her epi class doodling. She was working on a hot Qui fic and needed some inspiration to finish it. Computing incidence density wasn't doing the trick. She looked down at the pad on her desk and noticed she had drawn another picture of a man with long hair and soft eyes. All that remained was to draw the body.
Instead she tore off the piece of paper from the tablet and began with a fresh one. She drew a sphere. After that she began drawing three-dimensional shapes across the sphere's surface. Hey, maybe she should find this place...
* * * * *
Cuz the power, you're supplyin'
* * * * *
Diebin stood at the cash machine looking over her shoulder. The Hunkettes would not understand why she was shirking them and spending more time at the track. Problem was, the horses weren't doing it for her. She wasn't winning enough and the races were just too slow...
* * * * *
It's electrifyin'
* * * * *
Emmy threw up her hands and cursed George for not writing fast enough. This was ridiculous. Where could the plot be going? When would familiar characters be introduced? Why did she care?
"Em, where's the Art Geek? We're supposed to be finger painting this afternoon, if ya know what I mean," Obi said as he passed Emmy where she sat at the kitchen table, rifling through travel brochures.
"Get bent," she snapped at him without looking up.
* * * * *
Better shape up
* * * * *
"Hello?" Vicki stuck her head into the empty clinic and looked around. Darry was at the Senate, but Dande was supposed to be on duty. "Hey! I'm in need of some medical treatment, here, guys; I burned my finger!" Vicki yelled into the room.
She finally spied the note stuck to the inside of the clinic door: "Am making a house call at the Jedi Temple. Poor little Yoda... Be back later. ~Dande"
Great, thought Vicki. She walked back to the Temple proper and looked for something to put over her finger before she went back to making dinner. She couldn't get any Kleenex to stay on and she couldn't find any tape.
She found herself in the foyer, looking through the closet. She finally settled on one of Luke's black leather gloves that she found in Darry's coat pocket.
* * * * *
'Cause I need a man
* * * * *
"How come you never wear that orange flight suit anymore?" Tasha asked as she searched through her closet.
"Are you kidding? That thing was so uncomfortable." Luke stepped up behind her and stroked her hair. Tasha turned and walked over to her dresser.
"It had so much crap attached to it, you could barely fit into the cockpit of an X-wing."
"Really?" Tasha said, puttering around the room, filling up a small suitcase.
"Besides, that color was hideous."
Tasha kicked Maul's cape behind a chair. "Oh, I don't know..."
Luke continued. "I think Wedge was the only one who liked those things. Said it made him looked sexy."
"You don't say..." She opened the door.
"Are you going somewhere?" Luke asked, confused.
"Yup." Tasha closed the door in his face.
* * * * *
And my heart is sent on you
* * * * *
Laure stepped into the Temple carrying a huge "Toys R Us" shopping bag.
She went straight to her room and slammed the door, giggling.
Later that night she shrieked. "Qui-Gon, you knocked Mr. Biggles off the bed! Now pick him up and apologize."
Qui-Gon looked incredulously at Laure. "Is that a joke?"
"No!" Laure replied petulantly.
"Laure, why are we having to share your bed with 20 stuffed toys?"
"You don't like them? I think they're fabulous!" Laure looked glowingly at the collection of teddy bears that took up every square inch of bed space.
"I think you're fabulous. Now come here." Qui-Gon reached for her.
Laure didn't budge, aside to hold out a stuffed bear dressed as a WWI flying ace. "No, first you have to kiss and make up with Mr. Biggles."
* * * * *
Better shape up
* * * * *
"My dear, what are you doing?" Senator Palpatine looked down at Darry's hands as they manipulated the controls to the senate box.
"Just wanna check something out," she replied.
The box moved silently through the open space of the vast chamber. A number of delegates were voicing opinions on the latest issue (the capping of campaign spending).
It was an unspoken rule that no box moved quickly or toward one another. They moved only to and from the best vantagepoint of the Chancellor.
"But you're headed toward another box, not the podium."
"I know, I know," Darry grumbled. Palpatine was getting a little concerned. He removed his hand from her calf and reached for the controls.
"Hey, lay off!" she shouted, but was not heard over the din of the arguing senators.
Darry steered the box directly toward that of the Trade Federation delegates.
When she was within earshot she called. "Nute, Nute!"
The Neimodian Viceroy turned and looked at her. "Yeah, you! Where'd you get those cool brooches on your hat?"
Palpatine succeeded in grabbing hold of the controls, but Darry would not let go.
"Ah, thank you, Ms. Willis," Nute Gunray replied. "They are a symbol of my station; insignia of my rank."
"Cool," Darry said, batting her eyelashes. She seemed not to notice that the box was now waving dangerously around, as Palpatine tried to wrest the controls away from her.
* * * * *
You better understand
* * * * *
Jael sat in the computer lab trying to manipulate the February picture of the Obi calendar. She had been laboring over this project all day, having cut classes and forgotten to eat.
Finally she sat back in the chair and inspected her work. There was her senior picture carefully spliced in with a happy-looking Jar-Jar.
* * * * *
To my heart I must be true
* * * * *
Jenn walked into the Temple and threw her schoolbooks on the floor. She meandered through the quiet Temple, looking for something, she wasn't sure what. Something didn't feel right. Something was amiss...
Vicki, now wearing both of Luke's black gloves and Maul's cape that she found in Tasha's room, emerged from the kitchen. Jenn smiled, adjusted the new green tunic she had bought, and grabbed Vicki by the cape's tie like a leash and led her out the door.
"C'mon girlfriend. Roadtrip."
* * * * *
You're the one that I want
* * * * *
Emmy sat in her booth on Bespin awaiting custom and Boba Fett. So far things were going well. If nothing else, the populace of Cloud City was now hopelessly addicted to lattes.
* * * * *
Oo, oo, oo
* * * * *
Meanwhile, on Tatooine, Diebin slapped her money down on the table. "All of it on that attractive dug to win," she said to the wookie bookie.
* * * * *
You're the one that I want
* * * * *
And on the fourth moon of Yavin: "So, what happens if I pull this strap?" Tasha fingered one of the multitude of attachments on Wedge's orange flight suit.
"Nnnnnnnnggggghhhhhhhhh..."
* * * * *
Oo, oo, oo, honey
* * * * *
"You have reached Laure, the Spikegirl. I am currently on Endor and cannot take your call. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep and I or one of these CUUUUTEE wittle ewoks will get right back to you."
* * * * *
The one that I want
* * * * *
"What do you mean you're leaving?" Palpatine asked incredulously. "What will I do without you...?"
"Oh, just deal with it, " Darry said over her shoulder as she left his offices and walked into another office three doors down the hall.
* * * * *
Oo, oo, oo
* * * * *
"Jael! I think you're microwave pizza is ready!" Obi called through the smoky kitchen. The place had really gone to hell since Vicki had left.
"Okiday!"
* * * * *
The one I need
* * * * *
"This is ridiculous," Qui-Gon said as he, Obi, Mace, Maul, Palpatine and Luke sat around the Hunkette Temple's kitchen table. One by one, the Hunkettes had abandoned their home in search of new lives and new loves.
"Something has to be done," Palpatine offered. "I can't possibly do my own filing."
"We tried meditation," Qui-Gon told the Sith. "It didn't work."
"What a surprise," Maul muttered under his breath.
Mace poured himself another shot of Jim Beam from the half-empty bottle and downed it in one gulp. "Jenn won't even return my com calls. She stole all of Darry's Peter Cushing videos and went running off with Vicki in tow muttering about some building project she and their new guys were working on."
"At least she didn't run off with your friend," Luke whined.
"Well, at least your old master isn't sitting around having his ears massaged by half of the Jedi Clinic staff," Obi grumbled to Luke.
An uncomfortable silence followed as the two men looked at each other. The literary license the author was taking clunked into a higher gear.
"Uh...right...." Luke said.
"Someone must be able to think of something!" Mace roared.
"Smthrthmwthlv," Maul whispered.
"Huh?" everyone else said at one.
"Smother them with love?" Maul said louder.
The tableful of men looked at each other awkwardly.
"It's worth a try," Qui-Gon said finally.
* * * * *
Oh, yes indeed
* * * * *
"This just arrived for you," Wedge handed Tasha a box labeled FedEx. She opened it and pulled out an elegantly wrapped package and a huge box of chocolates. She tore open the paper and found a handcrafted leather bra and a note that said "I miss you, sweetheart. Please come back to me. Maul"
She inspected the bra as she popped a chocolate into her mouth.
"Wanna see me in this?" she asked Wedge.
"Nnnnnnnnggggghhhhhhhhh ..."
* * * * *
If you feel the wave of affection
* * * * *
"You wanna know what I'm wearing?" Obi breathed into the com link.
"Not particularly," came the response.
"Come on, BJ honey, I'm lying here all alone on your bed..."
"Well, don't make a mess on the sheets." Click.
* * * * *
You're too shy to convey
* * * * *
"You used to love it when I put my boots up on the desk when you were writing for your List," Luke said to Banaoire, while she sat collecting her pencils and mousepad. "You said they were so FM, the smut just flowed right through you."
"Well, not anymore," she pushed Luke's feet off the furniture. "I'm going to Jenn's new pad. It's supposed to be real 'happening'."
"Ban, sweetie, don't go. I have a bad feeling about that place. I sense something terrible's gonna happen to it."
*Clunk-next gear*
* * * * *
Meditate my direction
* * * * *
Darry walked into the Trade Federation offices and found Senator Palpatine waiting for her on his knees and holding a rose.
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." he said with a mellifluous tone.
"Oh brother." Darry walked past him and into another office, closing the door behind her.
* * * * *
Feel your way
* * * * *
"Any other bright ideas?" Mace grumbled, as the men sat around the table nursing the lattes Luke had bought for them all on Bespin.
*Clunk*
"Nothing I can think of," Obi put his head in his hands and frowned.
"I thought for sure that would work," Luke said.
"Well," Mace slammed his hand against the table, jarring Obi and sloshing coffee. "No more Mr. Nice Guy. It's time to take action!"
"And what exactly did you have in mind?" Palpatine raised an eyebrow.
"Deprogramming."
* * * * *
I better shape up
* * * * *
Jenn sat in the clinic tied to a chair with duct tape covering her mouth. The only light shone down from above her. She looked royally pissed off.
Mace paced around the chair. He knew better than to try any kind of Jedi mind trick as he knew she was immune to them. Instead he resorted to intimidation, shouting, threats, and finally a videotape of Jenn and Mace having fun, the St. Paddy's Day/Mardi Gras parade, the Valentine's Day party, the time she put curlers in Qui-Gon's hair. During all of this, Barbra Streisand warbled "Memories."
"C'mon Jenn," Mace glowered. "Don't make me get medieval on your ass." Jenn glared at him. Just then, the clinic doors were thrust aside and two figures in white followed by a towering figure in black and Vicki charged in and tossed Mace aside. Vicki untied Jenn while the figure in black kept Mace at bay with the Force and heavy breathing.
"Am I glad to see you," Jenn said, when the duct tape was pulled off.
"Your man sent us to get you."
"Let's get out of here." The group turned and marched out of the clinic, leaving Mace alone with an auto-rewinding videotape and Mrs. James Brolin.
*Clunk- the author downshifts into IVth gear.*
* * * * *
'Cause you need a man
* * * * *
Qui-Gon really did try to look menacing. It wasn't working. It also didn't help that he had chosen to conduct this inquisition on the Temple's huge antebellum porch. Laurie Anne sat on the swing as Qui-Gon paced back and forth.
"You know you want to stay here with me!" He shouted. Laurie Anne smiled and folded her hands in front of her.
"You know that I am the one you love!" Laurie Anne smiled wider.
"Remember how we used to have such fun?" Laurie Anne tried unsuccessfully
not to giggle.
"Little One, I am serious about this!!!" Laurie Anne burst out laughing.
Qui-Gon looked askance as a pod came hurtling down the path leading to the Temple. It was driven by a dug in aviator goggles. Diebin sat behind the driver in a helmet and leather jacket.
"C'mon, Laurie Anne, get in!" Diebin yelled, holding out a spare helmet. Laurie Anne jumped out of the swing and ran down the steps toward the pod.
* * * * *
Who can keep me satisfied
* * * * *
The boyz once again met around the kitchen table. This time they passed around aspirin in lieu of drinks. Palpatine, who didn't know the layout of the Temple very well, was giving himself a tour.
"I give up," Mace said. "I don't know what else to do."
The Senator walked in carrying three bowls of M&Ms. He looked down at Maul.
"What did you send to your young lady?"
"Leather and chocolate."
"Ahhhhhh..." Palpatine sat down at the table, depositing the bowls. Obi absently grabbed a handful of M&Ms.
"I think we may have found the key to getting them back," Palpatine said.
Qui-Gon brightened in understanding. "Of course. Chocolate! There's chocolate in every room of this place."
They obviously can't live without it. They must be shipping it to themselves." Luke added.
"I always wondered how Ms. Willis got through a jar of these things almost every day, " the Senator affirmed.
"So, we take their chocolate away and maybe they'll snap out of this?" Obi perked up.
"Let's do it," Mace said, Mr. Action-Man once again.
Next, followed several scenes of withdrawal so harrowing, the author can't bring herself to describe them.
* * * * *
I better shape up
* * * * *
"Maceyyyy?" Kim peeked her head in through the Temple door. "You in there?" She quietly crept into the lounge where Mace and Jenn were watching professional wrestling.
She sat down and he put his other arm around his other girl. "What happened to you?" Kim asked Jenn during a commercial.
"My guy got all obsessed with some chick with bad hair so I bailed...Oh, and then Luke blew the place up."
*Clunk*
* * * * *
If I'm gonna prove
* * * * *
Aya turned down the covers on her bed. Qui-Gon was busy looking under the pillows.
"What?" Aya looked at him funnily.
"You don't sleep with any stuffed animals do you?"
"Not unless YOU count after all of Vicki's cooking you just inhaled."
* * * * *
That my faith is justified
* * * * *
"Wanna know what I'm wearing?" Obi asked, waggling his eyebrows.
"You're wearing a washcloth, you idiot," Carolann smiled as she rinsed the shampoo out of his hair.
* * * * *
Are you sure
* * * * *
"There's a clasp on this bra, Maul." Tasha said helpfully.
"Grrrr."
Tasha looked over her shoulder. "Okay, there was clasp on that bra."
* * * * *
Yes, I'm sure deep down inside
* * * * *
"Are you finished dressing?" Banaoire called.
"Yup," Luke said, walking out of the bathroom wearing nothing...but boots.
* * * * *
You're the one that I want
* * * * *
"Give me another one," Darry whispered into the Senator's ear. She sat in his lap with her arms around his shoulders, as his executive leather chair slowly spun around and around.
"Certainly, my dear," Palpatine said, reaching out a hand. "What color would you like?"
"Hmmm, surprise me." She closed her eyes and opened her mouth. Palpatine fed her a bright red M&M.
* * * * *
Oo, oo, oo
* * * * *
April Fools, Sibs!
Lyrics by John Farrar, Bill Oakes, & L. St. Louis