* * * * *
there is trouble with the trees
* * * * *
"Qui, dahlin', would you be so kind as to fetch me another julep?" Jenn called into the open Temple door while fanning herself on the porch swing. "I do declare, this heat is terrible today."
At just that moment, Dorotea and Qui-Gon appeared with three more pitchers of drinks. Qui-Gon filled Jenn's glass and handed one of the pitchers to Mace, who didn't return it.
"Thank you, my kind sir," Mace said amiably and then returned to dozing next to Jenn on the porch swing. He looked rather dashing in his Union army costume, lots of gold braid hanging off the dark blue material. Jenn liked the boots best.
She was wearing an outfit Scarlet O'Hara would have killed three women for.
Most of the Qui- and Mace-chicks lounged on the porch, watching the commotion in the front "yard". All were dressed in antebellum costumes.
Out in front of the Temple, Tasha, Kim, Jael, and Diebin, all wearing hardhats and coveralls, were contemplating the blueprints of their new yard. Around them hovered huge tractors and dump trucks all intent on moving turf and trees onto the property. There was also a camera crew setting up.
So far, the back yard and one side of the front had been finished. The second would take longer, as more trees were being planted. Already, the finished part of the lawn had a croquet set thrust into it, and several Hunkettes were having a go. Qui-Gon walked out to them in his grey and gold Confederate uniform, carrying another pitcher of drinks.
A girlie cheer went up and ice tinkled in glasses, despite the fact that not twenty feet away an enormous "earth mover" was plowing up the stone in front of the second half of the front lawn.
"Are you sure you can just tear up the buildings on Coruscant without some sort of permission?" Angela asked, adjusting her huge sunbonnet.
"You'll have to ask Darry. She was in charge of the permits," BrendaK called back from the other side of the porch.
Darry's hovercar appeared. She climbed out, grabbed her briefcase, and thanked the driver. Stepping carefully in her Ferragamo pumps, she made her way up the walkway that bisected the finished and unfinished portions of the front yard.
As she climbed the stairs onto the porch, she was met with calls of "Hello, sugar," "How y'all doin'?" and "Darry, do you think that hiring people to plant an entire yard in front of a building is legal?"
"Yes," Darry replied, stepping into the Temple foyer. "I made it legal."
* * * * *
For the Maples want more sunlight
* * * * *
Darry walked up the stairs toward her room to change clothes. She had only worked a half-day at the office and Dande was closing the clinic early so they could all have that Friday afternoon off. Carefully inspecting her jeans and blouse for signs of Superglue, she pulled them on.
Then she tossed a pillow at the body dozing in her bed. "Get up. It's 12:30. What did Ban have you doing all night?"
"Mmmppphhhhhwwwww."
"Never mind, that was a rhetorical question." Darry smiled and walked out of the room, where she met Tasha.
"Taking a lunch break," Tasha said opening her door, shutting it, and triple bolting the new lock from inside.
* * * * *
and the Oaks ignore their pleas
* * * * *
Monica, Raven, Aya, Eiluned and the other sammich chicks were huddled around the smaller dining table just off from the kitchen.
Darry walked in, opened the fridge, and poured herself a martini from the pitcher that Vicki had made up earlier.
"Whatcha doin'?" she asked the girls.
"Trying to write a nice little speech we can give with reference to the spiritual nature of Arbor Day...if the yard ever gets done," Eiluned said.
"Tasha said it'd be finished by tonight," Monica reminded her.
"Well, what did you have in mind?" Darry asked, dropping another olive into her glass and chasing it around with a toothpick.
"We'd like to have a little ceremony where we would thank Mother Nature for the beauty and majesty of the trees and living things that we have planted today," Raven explained.
"And then have a shagfest on the lawn," Aya finished.
* * * * *
The trouble with the Maples
* * * * *
"We're here in the beautiful foyer of the Hunkette Temple. This building was originally erected in June of 1999 and has aged wonderfully. If you look closely, you can see the gold leaf outlining the..."
"Bam, bam, bam!" the rhythmic thudding coming from the closet caused the soundman to pull off his headphones and shake his head at Rob.
"Too noisy in here."
"They must be doing some interior decorating, as well," Rob said, suspiciously eyeing the closet door, which looked like it would soon be pushed off its hinges from the inside. "We'll look for somewhere quieter."
* * *
"As you can see, the kitchen is modeled on the rustic old English design, but has every possible amenity, including...."
"RRRRRRRRR!"
"A blender," said the soundman, once again pulling off his headphones.
"Would y'all like a daiquiri?" Vicki asked, the picture of Southern hospitality.
* * * * *
and they're quite convinced they're right
* * * * *
Darry wandered out back where the lawn, pool and tennis courts had been installed earlier in the week.
Most of the Obi-chicks were there, as well as Laure and the little padawans.
They were all splashing around in the pool playing with a beach ball.
Laure jumped out of the pool. "Judy! Can you take over for awhile? I'm gonna go join the belles out on the porch."
"Sure," Judy called back, adjusting the straps on her bathing suit in order to avoid embarrassing tan lines.
"Thanks," Laure called. "I promised Dande I'd help her into her dress," Laure smiled.
"And thank god you did," Dande called from the back door holding up about a ton of light green chiffon and ribbon. She and Laure retreated back into the Temple.
Luke squeezed by them and made his way over to a lounge chair in between Banaoire and Darry. Ban was asleep behind her sunglasses.
"Where the hell is Obi?" Amy whined. "He said he'd rub suntan lotion on my back."
"Oh, he's just coming," Darry said. Luke elbowed her in the ribs.
Judy squinted at the kids in the pool. "What IS that they're tossing around in there?"
"Down put me. Sick I am becoming," moaned the beach ball.
* * * * *
they say the Oaks are just too lofty
* * * * *
"As we go up the stairs, you can see the craftsmanship of the wood work in this banister," Rob said into the camera. He made his way up to the second floor.
The soundman gave him the thumbs up sign as they continued down the halls past the Qui-chick's rooms.
Rob continued. "I'm hoping that we can have a look in a couple of the rooms. Each woman decorates differently and there are many eclectic styles represented here."
"Hold still," said a voice. "How am I supposed to tie you into this if you keep fidgeting."
Rob made an odd face into the camera and peeked into the doorway where the voices had come from. There he saw Dande holding on to one of the posts of her four-poster bed while Laure was tying up her corset.
"Get the fuck out of here!" Laure shouted when she spotted Rob and his camera crew. The soundman ripped off his headphones and Rob bid a hasty retreat, back out into the hall.
"Well, there was a good example of Dutch colonial with Shaker accents," Rob said into the camera. He continued down the hall.
* * * * *
and they grab up all the light
* * * * *
Obi appeared at the back door, wearing the swimming trunks with the Nutella logo on them that his chicks had given him at the holidays.
"Ah, there you are," he said to Amy. He sat down next to her and smeared a generous amount of suntan lotion on her back.
Darry sat up and glanced around Luke at Ban. Still asleep. Oh well. She looked at Luke. "Wanna play tennis?"
"Sure, but you'll have to teach me."
"I'll play," Emmy said, stepping out onto the back porch, looking a little too happy.
"Me too," Harleen said.
"Ok, give us a second to change," Darry said, grabbing Luke. "Go ahead and start. We'll be right back."
SPLASH. The little kids in the pool went nuts as Obi jumped in to play with them.
* * * * *
But the Oaks can't help their feelings
* * * * *
Rob surreptitiously tried opening the doors along the hallway. Most of them were open.
"Ah, French country."
"Victorian."
"Baroque."
He tried another door that was firmly closed, behind which, it sounded like an animal was grunting and jumping about. Another voice emanated from the room, as well.
"That is sooo good. I love it when you do that. I just love watching you practice."
Rob looked back at the camera. "Well, obviously this suite is occupied, but note the fine beveling work here on the lintel." He pointed at the frame above the door.
At just that moment, the blade of a red lightsaber passed through the door in a wide arc and narrowly avoided decapitating Rob Guilla. His soundman once again pulled the headphones from his ears and pulled Rob and the cameraman into the next room.
"What the hell was that?" The soundman shouted.
"I don't know, but look at this room," Rob said, stepping in. "Stained glass arched windows, large wooden bed, wallpaper resembling stone; truly a fine mix of medieval monastic with a little Moorish thrown in for good measure. Pity about the clothes all over the floor."
"What about them?" Darry said, standing in the doorway, looking extremely pissed off.
Luke walked into the room toward the trio and pulled them out.
"The trees are OUTSIDE!" Darry shouted at their retreating backs. She turned to Luke. "My hero," she said to her hero.
* * * * * *
if they like the way they're made
* * * * * *
"Oh my," Shelly said among the magnolia and taffeta, fanning herself on the stairs out front of the Temple. "They're almost finished." Despite Tasha's disappearance, the artistic Hunkettes were supervising the last efforts of the construction crew, as they lowered an enormous oak tree into the ground.
The sammich chicks had joined the supervisor Hunkettes and were carefully reciting Druidic incantations for well-being and prayers of thriving for the new living arrivals to the Hunkette property. It seemed to be working. The trees, shrubs, bushes, flowers, and grass looked incredibly healthy...as opposed to the people on the porch, who looked incredibly inebriated.
An airtruck with the logo "Ho State University Biology Dept." hove into view in front of the Temple just as Rob Guilla and his camera crew came fleeing out the door.
"Did someone call a botanist?" asked the man from the university.
"Ah, wonderful," said Rob, as his team met the botanist on the front lawn.
* * * * *
And they wonder why the Maples
* * * * *
"Do you suppose they're gonna come back down?" Emmy asked as she twirled her racket in her hand like a baton.
Harleen looked back at the house and then her watch. "Probably not. C'mon, serve it up."
Emmy tossed a tennis ball up in the air and made a perfect serving motion. Too bad she didn't connect with the ball. Yoda laughed at her from where he sat under a birch tree, relaxing after his ordeal in the pool.
Emmy picked up another ball and this time served it straight at his head. Concussed, Yoda fell over.
"Game, set, and match," Emmy called.
* * * * *
can't be happy in their shade
* * * * *
"And here we have a beautiful specimen of a hibiscus. Notice the large orange blossoms. These live for one day only, but the tree continues to bloom as long as the weather stays warm."
The botanist was giving a guided tour of the Temple grounds to Rob Guilla and the sammich-chicks.
The now very drunk Qui-chicks retired inside. "Oh Ashley, Ashley," Jenn called as Mace carried her from the porch.
* * * * *
There is trouble in the Forest
* * * * *
Darry and Luke walked down the stairs and found everyone lounging.
"Hey," Darry said. "The sammich-chicks said something about a party on the lawn."
"Not bloody likely with those TV cameras out there," Laure snarled. She had gone to all the trouble of getting Dande into her frock and now the party seemed to be winding down.
"So, thanks for the game of tennis," Emmy snarled at Darry as she and the rest of the Obi entourage made their way in from the back yard. This included twenty-some dripping-wet little Padawans and one big one.
"Sorry, I got distracted by the sight of Rob Guilla standing in the middle of my room. Thankfully there was a big strong Jedi there to protect me."
Diebin gracefully stuck her finger down her throat and made retching noises.
"Hey, no dripping on the hardwood floors!" Vicki ordered the swimmers, pointing into the kitchen. The kids of several species all squealed and ran for their after-swim snacks, which Shelly was mysteriously preparing.
"I really do hate to miss an opportunity like this," Caeryn said, grabbing the front of Obi's Nutella trunks and yanking him toward the stairs.
"Hey," Vicki shouted. "Dinner in an hour."
"Don't worry," Caeryn called back. "I will have worked up an appetite by then."
"And speaking of which, everyone grab some of these decorations and help me set up. We're dining outside tonight." Vicki began throwing things at the loungers.
"Don't expect pweesission," Shana slurred, trying to stand and falling into Qui-Gon who fell into a potted fern.
* * * * *
And the creatures all have fled
* * * * *
With the strings of lights hanging from the trees, citronella torches, bubbling fountains, and the manicured lawn, the Hunkette Temple was a thing of beauty.
Aside, that was, from Rob et al still filming the trees. The botanist had long since finished his spiel and was happily eating with the Hunkettes.
"Hey Jenn," Darry called from one of the garden party tables, "great barbecue, eh?" She ducked under the flying chicken wing that was hurled at her from another table, but it clipped Yoda in the face, leaving him with a nice stain across his already bruised head.
Raven eyed Rob's camera crew warily as they continued to film the landscaping. The sun had set and lighting had been set up.
Jenn had finished throwing all the chicken on her plate at Darry and was just aiming a handful of potato salad, when Darry's comlink beeped. She bent over to grab it from the pocket of her Calvin's.
Darry squeezed Luke's knee as she stood from the table. "I gotta go to work; there's some emergency at the Senate." She walked to the table where Obi was sitting and kissed the top of his head. "Later, Braidboy." He squeezed her hand. She headed back to the Temple to change, passing Yoda, who was wiping potato salad off his face.
Raven tapped her glass with a spoon. The noise brought a hush to assembled crowd and even stilled the band that Shelly had booked. Who knew Smashing Pumpkins could play a garden party?
"Wha- I'm awake." Ban finally opened her eyes behind her sunglasses. "Oh look, a party."
"Uh, I'm sure that tree shouldn't be on fire," Raven said. As one, the party rose to its feet and ran to the front yard, just in time to see Rob Guilla's halogen camera lights ignite a small bush.
Dande and Vicki ran into the Temple and emerged carrying fire extinguishers. Rob was trying to decide whether to run for cover or continue filming.
Dande put out the bush while Vicki tackled the tree. Then they both turned the extinguishers on Rob and his crew. They also hosed down Yoda, just for the hell of it.
The botanist and sammich-chicks inspected the damage and discovered there was none. The Arbor Day blessings seemed to have protected the newly planted foliage from Rob's enthusiasm.
"Hey there, little boy," a large brown bear emerged from the trees and cornered Rob. He wore a park ranger hat with the name "Smokey" stenciled across it. "It doesn't pay to play with fire in a wooded area."
The soundman pulled his headphones off for the last time and yelled at Rob. "Let's get the frak outta this loony bin." The crew dodged a large ursine paw and ran for their aircar.
* * * * *
as the Maples scream, "Oppression!"
* * * * *
"You called me in here because you couldn't find a taxi?" Darry was incredulous.
"Well, we had a bit of a...impromptu delegate meeting this afternoon and we just opened a bottle to...alleviate the...uh...uh..." Palpatine shrugged, finally at a loss for words.
Darry ducked under the arm he attempted to place around her shoulders. His usually well-tailored robes hung slightly askew and he was wearing a name badge saying 'Hello, my name is Sid.'
The tipsy senator looked at his companions for assistance. He needn't have bothered, unless he was looking for assistance with putting a lampshade on his head.
"...political pressures?" Chancellor Valorum suggested. "Yes, that's what it was." The leader of the galaxy attempted to reattach his sticky name badge that read 'Hello, my name is Bernadette."
Darry shook her head as she looked at the motley crowd of drunk politicians milling about the office. "And the only one who had an aircar here was him," Palpatine pointed at a large human man slumped in a chair wearing a badge saying 'Hello, my name is Ted.'
"No way was HE driving us anywhere," the Chancellor said emphatically.
"And, my dear-" Darry gave her boss a look that would have frozen a bantha at forty paces. "-er, Ms. Willis, my car had dropped you at home, so I assumed you would know where it was."
"It never occurred to you to call for your driver?" Darry said as if speaking to a small child.
The group looked sheepishly at one another, the floor, the ceiling, anywhere but at her.
"Bloody hell!" Darry harrumphed mightily and buttoned up her Gaultier jacket. "Let's go."
She herded the fifteen senators and one supreme chancellor from the office and outside the building. "Now," she said resignedly. "Do any of you remember where you live?"
* * * * *
and the Oaks just shake their heads
* * * * *
Darry arrived back at the Temple quite late. She spared a cursory glance at the tent the sammich chicks and their two boyz were sharing. Presumably they were busy reciting more incantations. Or not.
Vicki met her in the foyer with a plate of leftovers and a martini. Darry walked up the stairs and knocked on Tasha's door, behind which the sound of a television could be heard. "You still awake?"
There was a sound of rustling, feet padding across the floor, and then the triple bolted lock was opened. Maul moved aside and let Darry enter the room. Tasha sat in bed crying her eyes out as the credits to the "Homicide" movie were rolling up the screen.
"Oh G," she sniffled. "Why you? Why'd it have to be you?"
"Maybe you can console her," Maul grumbled as Darry sat down next to Tasha and put her arms around her. Maul began eating Darry's plate of leftovers.
"Tasha, you've got to stop watching this video. It isn't going to end any differently no matter how many times you see it."
All three people in the room looked at each other pointedly and then shook their heads, as if to clear them.
Darry grabbed her plate away from Maul and changed the video. Maul sat down on the other side of Tasha.
Then they all stayed up late watching a movie with lots of trees in it.
"Farkin, Ewoks," Darry groused.
* * * * *
Happy Arbor Day, Sibs!
Lyrics by Neil Peart, song by Rush
