"Wanna come in and get it?" A muffled voice asked from behind the door.
"It's Darry, not Emmy and some of us have to work," the Nurse said, tapping her Italian leather-shod toe.
The closet door cracked open. Blue-green eyes peered into Darry's hazel ones.
"Uh...what time is it?"
"Doesn't matter." Darry reached around the occupant and grabbed her Coach briefcase. "You're late."
* * * * *
He had a boogie style that no one else could play
* * * * *
"Another holiday, my dear?" Senator Palpatine observed, as Darry got off the com with Shelley, her music agent.
"Yes, it's Memorial Day. Did you need something?" She crossed her arms across her Vera Wang-covered chest and watched as Palpatine toyed with the collection of writing implements stuffed into a mug, which sat on Darry's desk and read "Stolen from Café Du Monde".
"Ah, and what will you be doing in honor of this one?"
"We're having a big fancy dress party where everyone will be coming as a figure from Terran military history. The holiday commemorates those who fought during the wars, so this is a way of honoring them...sort of..." Darry trailed off, wondering if much of the activity that would undoubtedly ensue would be all THAT commemorative.
"Is that all? No other significance to the holiday?" Palpatine fished.
Darry narrowed her eyes. "None that I can think of. Now, if you don't mind, I need to finish writing your speech for this afternoon."
"Of course," Darry's boss said, standing and retreating toward the door to his office.
He strode into the other room, where he found his apprentice standing by the large desk and rubbing his shoulder.
Palpatine eyed him suspiciously. "Are you sure her birthday is Friday? She didn't mention it."
"That's what I was told." Maul finished massaging his shoulder and began to work on his calf.
Palpatine sat down behind his desk. "Okay, here's what I need you to do. Go out and buy the finest bottle of champagne there is, the biggest bar of chocolate you can find, and ten thousand candles."
"Huh?" Maul hopped, trying not to lose his balance.
"You heard me. And what the hell are you doing?" Palpatine's voice took on that ominous tone with which Maul was more than familiar.
"Uh, my 'young lady' was reading something written by a colleague for another friend's birthday and wanted to test out a new...positi...oh never mind."
* * * * *
He was the top man at his craft
* * * * *
Dande reached for the tape. "Dare I ask? Jael again?"
Vicki winced as Dande taped up her butt. "I think she's taking this whole Joan of Arc thing way too seriously."
"Yeah, I noticed that she took a liking to that sword the minute she came back from the costume shop. "
"Well, I've forbidden her to be in the Temple while she's in any way armed. She's outside fighting a duel with Richard the Lionhearted at the moment."
Just as Dande finished with Vicki, Yoda shuffled into the clinic. There was something different about him, but the girls couldn't quite put their fingers on what it was.
"Control of a Jedi Jael has not," whined Yoda. He reached up and handed something to Dande. It was one of his ears.
* * * * *
But then his number came up and he was gone with the draft
* * * * *
Mace and Kim stood in the kitchen, one washing, one drying.
"So, you like the costume?" Mace asked, scraping the remnants of vegetarian lasagna from a large Pyrex pan.
"Oh yeah," Kim enthused. "Now, do you remember your line?"
"Sure, baby, I won't screw it up."
Jenn brought in the rest of the dishes from the dining room. "And remember, they're not 'coming'-coming, they're just coming, so you don't need to say it like you're auditioning for the lead in an X-rated movie."
* * *
"What am I gonna get Shana for her birthday?" Dorotea whined, lying on the sofa, her feet in Qui-Gon's lap. Some of the Qui-chicks sat in one of the lounges putting together a three-dimensional jigsaw puzzle that would eventually look like a portrait of Rob Roy.
"Well, what does her list on the fridge say?" Ban asked.
"It's all computer stuff, I think", Tammy said. "We can go down to the software store tomorrow and have a look."
Kayla frowned. "I can't go near one- I'll spend too much money."
"Me too, " said Laure.
"Maybe we can mail order something? Or give her a gift certificate?" Dorotea looked over at Qui-Gon. "What do you think?"
"Where the hell did you get that puzzle?" he asked.
* * * * *
He's in the army now, a-blowin' reveille
* * * * *
Senator Palpatine walked around his apprentice, looking at the fit and style, hoping that Darry would approve. Maul was seething.
"Oh stop it." Palpatine ordered. "I had to make sure it would fit her. She's broader around the bust and hips, but I think it'll work."
"May I please take this off, Master? I feel like a pimp."
The Senator carefully removed the floor length fur coat from Maul and lovingly replaced it in the large, tastefully decorated gift box.
"Maul, where are you getting these words from? You didn't used to speak in such a manner."
"I can't help it. Tasha and Darry religiously watch a television program that only talks about Terran crime." Free of the fur, he shrugged back into his black cloak.
"Ah. I see. Have you finished installing and lighting all the candles?"
"Yes, my Master, and your champagne and glasses are in the specified place."
"Splendid. Your work here is finished."
Now, to set the trap...
* * *
"In the Criminal Justice system, some crimes-"
"Darry!" Emmy called.
"In the small lounge!"
"Com's for you."
"Dammit! 'Special Victims Unit' just started!"
"I'll tape the rest of it," Tasha offered.
Darry huffed and reached toward the com connection. "This better be good, whoever you are."
"My dear, I need you at the office immediately. A special session is convening."
"What, now?" Darry looked at her Obi watch.
"Seems there's some emergency on...uh...Alderaan."
"Fuck 'em," Darry grumbled under her breath. "Okay, let me just get changed. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"I'll send the driver."
* * * * *
He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B
* * * * *
"What does the list say?" JenJen asked. Some of the Obi chicks sat at the big kitchen table, drinking hot chocolate.
"Uh...Jean-Paul Gaultier perfume, anything from Cartier, real estate, Luke, Obi, and world peace," Diebin read.
"Nice to know she has her priorities straight," Judy snorted.
"Well, I bet if we pooled all our resources, we could probably scrape enough together to buy her a Bonnie Belle Lip Smacker." Emmy said.
"En guarde!" came a shout from the back door. Sounds of clanging metal reverberated through the kitchen. "Take that, you Crusader scum!"
Vicki ran to the dueling pair and in her best aerobics instructor voice yelled, "Jael! Luke! What have I told you about weapons in this house? Tasha, Ban, Darry- anybody? I think it's Richard's bedtime."
Luke set down his sword and pulled off his tabard. Ban came running into the room. "What's the matter?" She scowled at Luke. "You know better than that. Let's go." Luke shuffled his feet, following Ban out of the kitchen.
Obi walked up behind Jael and grabbed her around the middle. "C'mon Joan...I'll make you hear voices, alright." He carted her out with surprisingly little protest.
* * * * *
They made him blow a bugle for his Uncle Sam
* * * * *
The lights were out in the main Senate hall, but the enormous room was lit with thousands of candles, twinkling from each one of the boxes. The Chancellor's dais was glowing slightly brighter.
Darry entered the Naboo box and steered it over to the dais and carefully stepped onto it, as Senator Palpatine held out his hand to her...
* * *
Supreme Chancellor Vallorum probably would not have objected to having a fur coat draped over his large leather chair.
He may not even have objected to having two people sip champagne and eat chocolate while lounging on the fur coat that was draped over his large leather chair.
But, he probably wouldn't have been too impressed with what happened next on the fur coat that was draped over his large leather chair.
* * * * *
It really brought him down because he couldn't jam
* * * * *
Laure walked down the Obi-chick hall and rapped on Diebin's door.
"Come in!"
"I think you have my sandals." Laure held up a boot and pointed to Diebin's feet. Then she dropped the boot.
Just then, there was another knock at the door.
"Come in!"
"Diebin you have my boots, I know it!" Eiluned stormed in.
"What?" Diebin said gesturing to her sandaled feet. "What would I be doing with your boots? They wouldn't match my outfit!"
"But you're not even supposed to be wearing sandals, and I am," Kayla walked into Diebin's room carrying the mate to Laure's boot and dropped it.
Emmy strolled in carrying one sandal and one boot. "Neither of these is mine as Mata Hari isn't wearing any shoes tonight." She tossed them into the pile that was accumulating on the floor.
Jenn walked in holding two shoes that looked similar, but not identical. "Where's Darry? She has my other shoe." She dropped the shoes into the pile.
Shana crammed into the crowded room holding a boot and a sandal and cursed.
Darry followed on her heels. "Jenn! Where the frak is my other shoe?"
Caeryn tossed a pair of mismatched boots over everyone's head where they landed in the pile. "I am not being seen in those!"
Tasha fumed in and pushed a boot into Caeryn's face. "And I'll thank you to give those to me!"
"SHUT UP EVERYONE!" Emmy yelled.
"And get the hell outta my room!" Diebin called. Everyone shuffled out and lined up in the hall. Diebin removed her sandals and added them to the pile. Emmy began rifling through them.
"Okay, shoes first. Scarlett, front and center!" Jenn leapt to attention. "Is this yours?"
Jenn sneered at the shoe. "Hell, no. That's Darry's."
"Watch it, Ghostbuster," Darry snarled.
"Right, that's it!" Jenn punched Darry in the head. Darry kicked Jenn in the shin.
"ENOUGH!!!" roared Emmy. "Florence," she said, handing Darry the button-up shoe and its mate. The similar pair she handed to Jenn. "Now shut up, both of you."
The two girls stormed off down the hall, poking at each other in the face.
"Xena? Arwen? Do you know which boots belong to which of you?" Diebin and Caeryn fished out matching boots.
"I told you that wasn't mine," Eiluned sneered at Diebin.
"Shut up, Leia. Here're your bad-ass seventies white PVC boots." Emmy handed Eiluned the rest of her outfit. Leia's street cred rose considerably when Eiluned replaced the fuzzy leopard print slippers.
"Okay," Emmy said, handing Tasha two FM boots. "Lt. Yar, yours, I believe." Tasha took the boots and followed Darry back down the hall toward the Luke-chick rooms. That left the sandal contingent.
"Let's work chronologically, here. Athena?" Emmy pointed at the collection of sandals.
"Recognize any of these?" Kayla picked up a pair of simple golden sandals.
Emmy continued. "Cleo?" Shana picked up the second pair of gold sandals, these more elaborate.
"Well, Bodicea, that leaves you." Emmy handed Laure the pair of leather sandals that were left. "Okay, is everybody happy?"
Jael came ran out of her room, which looked as though it had been hit by a tornado. She was dressed in a full set of armor that didn't very well match her stripy multicoloured socks with the toes in them.
"Has anybody seen a pair of boots?"
* * * * *
The captain seemed to understand
* * * * *
"Goddam it! If anyone is in the hall, get in here this instant and help me put this stupid cap on."
There was a scratching at the door. "Out here I am. Help how can I?"
"Bugger off and go find one of the girls."
Panth came in a few moments later. Darry handed her the nurse's cap and sat down in front of the vanity. Panth spent several minutes looking at the hat, trying to figure out which side was up.
Darry looked at her in the mirror. "So, you doing any Tina Turner karaoke tonight, Auntie, or are you just hoping to run into Mel in that getup?"
"Ha. I wish! Darry, this cap is hideous."
"Tell me about it, why'd you think it was the first part of the uniform to go?"
Panth looked around for clips to hold the hideous hat in Darry's hair. Her eyes alighted on something else.
"Where did you get THAT?" Darry turned and looked at the bed. Her new fur coat was thrown haphazardly across it.
"Oh... that old thing? Uh...the Queen loaned it to me. I...may have to go to Hoth for some meetings in the next few weeks," Darry waffled.
"Well, that sucks. Still it's beautiful. You gonna keep it? I won't tell." Panth found the clips and started in on Darry's hair.
"I thought I might."
"Well, don't leave it in the hall closet. Someone will boink all over it."
"Uh...yeah..."
* * * * *
Because the next day the cap' went out and drafted a band
* * * * *
Judy was mixing to beat the band. "Amaretto sour, heavy on the amaretto," Laure ordered. "Manhattan Transfer! Shelley, you've outdone yourself," Laure enthused as she walked to the bar.
"Thanks," Shelley said while pouring a generous amount of vodka into the pitcher of Sunny D. "Here's the drink for the padawan party," she said.
"Thanks." Laure gulped down her cocktail and picked up the pitcher.
* * *
"Obi sure looks good as Rambo, don't you think," Sere said, eyeing the camo-clad padawan as he jitterbugged on the dance floor.
"Yeahhhnnnggghhhh..." said Julia, trying to avoid the puddle of drool that was collecting at the their feet.
* * *
Qui, adjusting his toga, walked over to Dande and asked, "Why does everyone tell me to avoid some day in the middle of March? Where am I marching?"
Just then, the sound of blasters interrupted the music and conversation. Shouting from the foyer could be heard. Mace came barreling into the ballroom, his tri-cornered hat almost flying from his head.
"The British are coming, the British are coming!"
Jenn and Kim bounced up and down and clapped their hands. "Well done!" they called.
"No, I'm serious, man! They're crazy." He raced behind Jenn and Kim and cowered.
A group of armed helmeted figures came barging into the room and surrounded the partiers. The leader, also wearing a helmet, sported a three-piece suit and carried a calculator and a sheaf of papers. He leapt to the orchestra's dais and grabbed the mic out of Alan Paul's hand.
"I represent the Coruscant Collection Bureau and we have a little business to do with a few of the residents here."
"Oh. My. God." Dande breathed. "He's come for our student loans."
"Magill, Emmy!" barked the accountant.
Emmy stepped forward, feeling like Dorothy meeting the Wizard. "Uh-huh?"
"Bachelor of Arts, UC Santa Barbara?"
"Uh-huh."
"One million dollar principal, plus accrued interest."
"WHAT?"
The accountant ignored her.
"Spikegirl, Laure!"
"Fuck off!" Laure forgot the collection of children she was surrounded by.
Master of Library Sciences, Emporia State University?"
"Fuck off!"
"Two gazillion dollars."
"Fuck off!"
"Willis, Darry!"
Silence.
"Master of Public Health, Tulane University? RN, Middlesex University?"
Silence.
"Someone tell her she owes us the equivalent of the Naboo State Treasury and good luck raising that kind of capital!"
Darry smirked from under the banquet table, where the rest of the students had dived.
"YAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" The accountant found himself skewered on Jael's sword.
The Jedi ignited their lightsabers and chased out the rest of the small CCB army.
Jael drop-kicked the body of the accountant off the stage where it was immediately dumped into the rancor pit below the floor that Luke had had installed in a fit of nostalgia.
The Memorial Day Hunkette Army had prevailed.
* * * * *
And now the company jumps when he plays reveille
* * * * *
"Can I come in?"
Darry's door opened on its own and Vicki walked in carrying a tray laden with breakfast. "Since you had to work all night Friday and Saturday morning, I thought I'd make this for you on Sunday."
Luke pried the pillow off Darry's head where she had placed it when the knocking had woken her. "Food," he whispered.
Darry quickly sat up and surveyed the offering. "Hey, all my favourites!"
* * *
Five minutes later:
Qui pried the pillow off Shana's head where she had placed it when the knocking had woken her. "Food," he whispered.
Shana sat up and sniffed at the aromas emanating from the tray in Vicki's hands. "Hey, all my favourites!
* * * * *
He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B
* * * * *
"So, do you feel any older?" Kymira asked as they made their way inside the Temple. Both she and Darry wore cute little outfits and carried squash racquets. Darry opened the closet door and a hand grabbed her arm.
"Bloody hell! Let go; it's Darry," she yelled at the occupant.
"I know." Obi growled back, yanking her into the closet. "Happy birthday."
End
Lyrics by Don Raye & Hughie Prince
Note: No virtual minks were destroyed in the making of Darry's coat for this fic. Please do not call PETA.