* * * * *
You're a grand old flag
* * * * *
Vicki:
Dear Diary,
I thought it was time for Mohammed to go to the mountain, so for the next holiday, I suggested to everyone that we all go on a wine-tasting tour of Coruscant. How was I to know that this would prove to be as easy as herding cats?
I put Shelley in charge of the itinerary. She was more familiar with the hostelries in this galaxy than anyone else I knew. Mistake number one.
I put Darry in charge of organizing transportation, as she had a fleet of company cars at her disposal. Mistake number two.
Couldn't keep Yoda from overhearing our plans, so I invited him along. Mistake number three.
And to think, all this just to avoid being stapled in the butt.
* * * * *
you're a high-flyin' flag
* * * * *
Laure:
Dear Diary,
The air cars Darry managed to obtain were pretty cool. There were six of them in all. The Obi and Qui-chicks had two cars each, the Mace-chicks and Luke-chicks had one each. I guess someone tied Yoda to the bumper.
All down the trafficway we were leapfrogging, passing each other and shouting obscenities.
At one intersection, the Mace-chicks passed us in their convertible (glass-topped sports model) and Mace mooned us, wearing rather unattractive paisley boxers featuring Yoda in several lovely pastel shades.
(Of course, by the end of that little joke, we were all removing our tops and making big Precious Mammal eyes at the passing police cars...but we won't go into that.) Luckily, the Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.
Thank god I left the little ones back at the Temple with Smokey the Bear babysitting.
* * * * *
and forever in peace may you wave
* * * * *
Emmy:
Dear Diary,
Went to one place that had a bar in the back that did beer tasting, and we lost half our party immediately. The beer was apparently quite potent (particularly the Corellian Amber) and was served in rather larger glasses than the wine.
Diebin got a bit squiffy on Bantha Bock (32.6% alcohol, doubles as starship fuel in a pinch) and had to be whacked on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and shut into a closet (alone) until she calmed down.
The boys had a bit of trouble here, too. Basically, they didn't want to leave. We used the old threatening-to-kick-them-in-the-genitalia ploy, and that got them moving faster than you could say, "Bob's your uncle."
For some reason, Darry thought this was hysterically funny, and we had to spare a few more minutes while she reapplied her mascara in the ladies' room. The boyz took this as an opportunity to order another round.
* * * * *
You're the emblem of the land I love
* * * * *
Qui-Gon:
Dear Diary,
Stopped for lunch at one of the wineries where a girl at an adjoining table was giving a lengthy and loud dissertation on the attributes of thong underwear. My apprentice got so excited he had to go off into the shrubbery and take care of himself. Carolann offered to help. We didn't see them again till after lunch.
The place served nice little tidbits of food with each wine. The bar staff instructed, "We'll be coming around passing out the appetizer. With this wine we'll be sampling a spicy snorklebeak. Please be sure to impale it firmly with your fork to prevent it escaping. "
We all took tentative bites, except for Jael, who just wolfed it down. These Obi-chicks, no manners, raised in barns.
"Note how the crisp crunchiness of the little bones and the spicy tang of the blood really brings out the tamarisk and rosemary flavor in the wine."
A snorklebeak escaped and made a mad dash for the door, but Yoda snapped it up.
At the sight of that, Dorotea barfed all over the waiter...
* * * * *
The home of the Free and the brave
* * * * *
Tasha:
Dear Diary,
Those Qui-chicks- so uncouth. You'd never see a Luke-chick heaving. Well, not in public, at least.
Continuing along, we discovered various intriguing wine names and analyses- names such as Senator's Slipper (subtitled: 'Liquid Panty Remover', or so Darry informs me. Rather more information than I needed, really.)
There was Padawan's Breeches (best when served slightly warmed). Emmy called it "...an insolent yet accessible little wine..."
Kessel Pale Ale ('it would make a Wookie wince!') is how Luke described it, although how he could distinguish a wince from any other facial expression is beyond my limited knowledge of Wookie anatomy.
Emperor's Eiswein, which is made by pressing frozen grapes and is excessively sweet. But it's good for things such as licking it out of your partner's navel, which made me wonder what my Maulie was doing at the moment.
[In case anyone is interested, he was giving a lightsaber demonstration to all the little padawans, who are "oohing" and "ahhing" over him.]
* * * * *
Ev'ry heart beats true to the red, white and blue
* * * * *
Amy:
Dear Diary,
I had picked up an Android Ale Review, which described my favourite wine (Python Skin) as 'youthful and tantalizing' (good recommendations in MY book- wink, wink, nudge, nudge). 'Look for hints of cherry, oak, maple, sumac, and just a touch of poison ivy in this one.'
Jenn's favourite (Sherwood Surprise) it described as 'A pert, firm-buttocked wine, best when consumed repeatedly and in large quantities.'
Yoda's favourite (Virgin Sacrifice) was quoted as having 'a smoky quality. It is, of course, second-hand smoke, since we all know smoking is bad for you.' "Good this is," he kept saying until he fell over face first into a vat, where a small Hutt was crushing grapes with her body.
The AAR had this to say about Obi's favourite (Body Heat): Warning- enhances desire but impairs performance. Don't try this at home. Void where prohibited. Nasty, sticky, and smelly. Use only for insect repellent. Not to betaken internally under any circumstances.
He assured me that he was immune to the reported side effects, but I'm waiting to get a verdict from Carolann before I try any.
* * * * *
Where there's never a boast or brag
* * * * *
Brenda:
Dear Diary,
One place sold chocolate body frosting to go with their wine. That was good until the sammich girls started throwing it around, which started the rest of us getting into it. The proprietors were not pleased. Neither was the tableful of Dugs sitting next to us.
Another chat with the police. Can you say bar-brawl?
Talk about a debacle. How were the Qui-chicks to know that they'd end up spending most of the night sweet-talking the police? Honestly, there's a time and a place for everything, and on the roof of a moving aircar is not the place. Shelley and Qui should know better.
* * * * *
But should auld acquaintance be forgot
* * * * *
BJ:
Dear Diary,
Dagobah can't come soon enough. That little troll is headed for trouble if he doesn't admit he has a serious substance abuse problem. It's bad enough he's smoking medicinal ganja every time ya turn around. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't keep bumming smokes off me at the same time. Where does he get off following me into the loo, for crying out loud?
Well, I showed him; let's see the great Jedi Master get out of this one. Maybe he'll come to realise that the Hunkettes don't want him hangin' with them. Maybe he'll wise up and move to that swamp tomorrow. Or maybe he'll just suffocate in the tampon dispenser I stuffed him into.
Someone's in for a big surprise next time they put a quarter in that thing!
* * * * *
Keep your eye on the grand old flag
* * * * *
Palpatine:
Dear Diary,
Well, I've just paid the bail on Ms. Willis and her friends. My secretary will be getting a rather stern talking to for calling in the cars as stolen that I loaned to Ms. Willis. Well, he is from Alderaan- a bunch of pretentious do-gooders if ever there were any.
Odd way for them to celebrate a holiday where all one does is hang a flag from the porch of the house. Come to think of it, the Hunkette Temple was flying a flag today, or so my apprentice tells me. What did it say?
Oh yes...
"Sweet wines (Zinfandel, Riesling, Gewurztraminer) are good with very spicy food, since it cuts the sweetness. Whites generally go with white meat/pasta sauce, reds with red meat/pasta sauce."
Happy Flag Day, sibs. Stay at home!
* * * * * * *
Lyrics by George M. Cohen