Dear Sir or Madam,
It may have been brought to your attention that ______(insert name here)____ has been out of the office for an excessive amount of time. I have been asked to write this letter on her behalf in order to clarify the cause of this absence. _________________ has been suffering from what has become colloquially known as Jeditis. This is a rarely fatal, but highly contagious disease.
Although the Centers for Disease Control has not declared a nationwide epidemic of Jeditis at this time, I have been asked to head a Task Force to follow its progression. This Task Force regularly monitors Internet Lists and Chat Rooms for evidence of wider disease dispersal, made more difficult by the fact that there seems to be several strains. Currently, the Jedi Clinic has developed a regimen of therapy for only the two most common strains.
It has been necessary to isolate _________________ in special accommodations in order that she not spread this disease to other staff. The treatment for this condition is highly experimental. Although a five-star hotel is an unconventional quarantine facility, we feel that this environment is the most conducive to recovery. Room service, is of course, a necessity when treating a case with which one must have minimum contact. In fact, the Clinic's attending medical staff has been advised to maintain a strict distance, allowing only prescribed personnel to have any kind of intercourse with the patient.
You may find, upon her return to work, that ____________________ displays a smile that does not seem to fade, no matter how tedious the job, heavy the workload, or dull the meeting. Another side effect of treatment may include an exanthema, which covers a large percentage of the body, resembling a rash left by facial hair rubbing against delicate skin. If this rash is not present, traces of scarring on the face, neck and legs may be visible. These are the result of a therapy involving long strands of sensitive medical equipment continuously pressed against and tickling the body. This medical equipment is relatively new and few operators are experienced with it. Occasionally, both rash and body scarring are evident. Please do not draw attention to these, as any remark will just elicit a dreamy-like gaze and recurrent humming.
Should any post-treatment complications arise, do not hesitate to call this office. We can ensure the quality of treatment for every moment _________________ remains in bed while recovering from this insidious disease.
Sincerely,
Darry Willis RN, MPH
Manager, Jedi Clinic; CDC Jeditis Task Force