A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much
the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies
and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and
engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years
of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep
up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that
stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can
maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their
university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing
its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back
into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to
be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you
could have. Be all that you can be.
Back to the top
So the Newfie says "I am a fisher man, my dad's a fisher man, and
his dad was a fisher man, and my son will be one too. " I want
all
the oceans full of fish". 'FOOM' the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec,
so
nothing will get in." 'POOF' there was a wall
around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie
says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing
can
get in or out." So the Vancouver guy says "FILL IT WITH WATER."
Back to the top
One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it became apparent that
they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and
humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make
the supreme
sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later
they
were married.
Some months later, on his way home from work,
his car broke down. He
was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the
rest
of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call
his wife
and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered
the cafe, the
smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles
to go,
and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching
home.
Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans.
Even as
he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up
a hill, and
poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the
frequency
and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
Just as he reached his home, however, he felt
a great rumbling inside
and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside
his
front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door.
She
excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise
dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair
at the head
of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold,
the phone
rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and
went to
answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized the opportunity,
shifted his weight to
one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe
as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin
and began
to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when
he felt
another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip.
It sounded like a
tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until
his arms
ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another
powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let
go. This
was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the
table shook
and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the conversation in
the hallway, he continued
like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with
his
napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the
telephone
conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands
on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his
wife returned to the room.
Apologizing for talking so long, she asked
if he had peeked. After
assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing
the
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
Back to the top
I am an Italiano.
One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel.
Ina morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast.
She brings
me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the
toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss
onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't
even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga
restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna
fock. She tell me
everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand.
I wanna fock
on the table. She say you better not fock on the
table, you sonna ma
bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there
is no shits onna
my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.
He tell me to
go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna
shit on my bed. He
say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the
checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you."
I say piss on you
too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy !
Back to the top
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned
into a
brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous
one, so
instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired
woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
previous
two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Back to the top
She touches her right knee with her index finger and says,
"Ow! That hurts."
She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says,
"Ouch! That hurts, too."
She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says,
"Ow! Even that hurts."
The doctor says, "Are you a natural blonde?"
She says, "Yes."
The doctor says, "You have a sprained finger."
Back to the top
When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD Canada, they
decided to send it to Prime Minister Jean Chretien. The Prime
Minister was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. Chretien thought this
would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write
a
thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed
that
for some reason you had to send it through Ottawa, and as usual,
those bastards deducted $95.00
Back to the top
One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher had the class go
home, think of a story, and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell
their
story.
Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a farm, and every Sunday
we
load the chicken eggs on the truck, and drive into town to sell them
at
the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump, and all the eggs flew
out
of the basket, onto the road."
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next came little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend
we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend,
only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed
with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way
down,
he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle
of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out
of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then, the
blade
on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy, and asks if there is possibly any
moral to
his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Back to the top
THEREBY PROVING THAT HUGH, AND ONLY HUGH, CAN PREVENT FLORIST FRIARS.
Back to the top
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home. When
he arrives Ma says, "Them boys are givin me a hard time
about doin the chores and little Sammy done stuck the butter
knife in the molassas without lickin the blade clean first."
Pa says, "You mean I just run all the way in from the fields for
this?? Next time it had better be important!"
The next day Pa hears the bell and takes off for home again.
When he arrives his wife is in tears standing over a broke
clothes line. "Pa", she says "some jackass came ridin
through here on a mule and ran right through the clothes line
and rurnt the washin." At first Pa was trying to figure out what
was ridin what but then he yells "I told you not to ring that bell
unless something bad was goin on. If this happens again I'm
goin' to raise holy hell!!!"
The next day Pa hears the bell again and grabbin up a board
heads for home. When he arrives Ma is clinging to the porch
rail with a spear in her back, the house behind her is in flames
and the chickens are laying dead in the front yard, shot
full of arrows.
Pa looks at Ma and says "Now thats more like it."
Back to the top
Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the
class helped him.
"Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower,
you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?"
"A rose?" offered the neighbor.
"Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and
shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that
memory class from?"
Back to the top
The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool
and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the
big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo
chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this.
He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned.
Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and
*WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out
cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he
comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."
Back to the top
"Felix" he exclaimed one day, "we're going to be rich. I'm going
to teach you
how to fly." Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect:
"I can't fly,
you idiot......I'm a frog, not a canary!" Clarence, disappointed
at the
initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours
could be a
real problem. I'm sending you to class."
So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving,
time
management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.
On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control
his
excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence
explained
that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out
of a
window starting with the first floor and eventually getting to the
top floor.
After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the
most
effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for
the next
flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely
be able to
fly.
Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just
doesn't
understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't
let
nay-sayers get in my way." So, with that, Clarence opened the
window and
threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).
Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not
to be
thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket
guide to
managing more effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must
always
expect resistance when implementing new programs. And with that,
he threw
Felix out the window.(thud)
On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy:
stalling,
he asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make
flying
conditions more favorable. But Clarence was ready for him: he
produced a
timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want
to slip
the schedule do you?"
From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that
he would have to jump twice tomorrow.... so he just said: "ok.
Let's go." and
out the window he went. Now this is not to say that Felix wasn't
trying his
best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt
to fly.
On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried
to think
"Superman" thoughts. But try as he might, he couldn't fly.
By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for
mercy....
he simply looked at clarence and said: "You know you're killing me,
don't
you?" Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had
been less than
exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestones goals he had set for
him.
With that, Felix said quietly: "Shut up and open the window,"
and he leaped
out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the
building. And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.
Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single
goal
that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly,
he didn't
even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement....
nor
did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "fall
smarter,
not harder."
The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and
try to
determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence
smiled and
said: "Next time ... I'm getting a smarter frog!"
Back to the top
Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish
this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams and the students
filed
up and handed them in--all except the late student, who continued writing.
Half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was
sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put
his
exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry, "Do you know who I am?"
"No as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of
sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" the student asked again.
"No and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed
exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Back to the top
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK|" He
goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says
he
drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils
stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows
the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a
license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers
spill
out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering
what
happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong?
I
thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Back to the top
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell
rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot
cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then
left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell
rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This
time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled
over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of
Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained
events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much," the doctor replied,
"There's just a nasty bug going around."
Back to the top
"I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an
animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling
like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like
a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to
walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She
can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her,
"I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
She shakes her head yes.
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this"
Back to the top
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was
surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that
he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their
marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his
wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said,
"This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his
bike
and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and
flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Back to the top
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither
one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind
of
obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see
...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . .
.
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,
I betthat's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still
not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this
thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those
incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their.... .
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God,
I
feel so.....''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight.
I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine
says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
his place, heopens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses
of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there
in
the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think
about it. (This is also Roger's policyregarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown,
and
say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
Back to the top
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur
climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope
proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the
limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !,
there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper,
seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know
what to do."
The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No,
even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?"
The trooper replys "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a
chauffeur!"
Back to the top