So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking
her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so,
was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad,
having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed
the picture to her parents.
Back to the top
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
Back to the top
"What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it
and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass
and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but
totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and
into the bathroom.
"What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
Back to the top
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One
is
called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
things,
and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ
I have for you is
called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent
life form
and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have
this organ
to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have
given to me.
What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news
is that I only
gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
Back to the top
It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only
open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table
with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket,
pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was
impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert
out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the
table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the
kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he
commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you
have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes,
we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined
that we spend to much time washing our hands
after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string
is
tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go,
and
return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash
my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back
in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Back to the top
The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin' Maytag
man?" and hung up.
The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She
got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't
start.
She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go
to
the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home
and
take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look
like? Freakin' Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up.
She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag
man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he
knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little
and goes
outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned
and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your
fuel
filter was a little dirty."
The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all
cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what, lady. You can bake
me a
cake or have sex with me - your choice."
Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady
explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine
and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She
replied
that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex.
The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?"
The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin' Betty Crocker?"
Back to the top
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came
out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined
on the wild
grass, Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed,
"What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied,
"Always check for squirrels."
Back to the top
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late
that night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets,
gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned
and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he
had
to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and
walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his
wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Back to the top
WARNING, this is steamy stuff. You either need to read this,
curled-up on a sofa with an exotic drink, or with a cold shower
close-by..........
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening
horizon.The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent
that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat
race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the Weeping
Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic
scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her
now. Without a word being spoken, I moved myself to a position of
dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had
been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my
approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until
I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we threw caution to
the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position
with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to
prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As sexual tension
heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was
all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally the moment we
had
been both waiting for was upon us, and we rolled together in the now
damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into
the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined
in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered
how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner
ear and whispered, "Baaa", then re-joined the flock.
Back to the top
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system
got under way immediately. The robbers were expecting one
or two huge
safes filled with cash and valuables, but were surprised (and
happy) to see
hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers were
surprised to find only vanilla pudding. "Well bye,"said one robber
to
another, "at least we got a bit to eat."
The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the
process
continued until all the safes were opened and there was not a dollar,
a
diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. All the safes contained
little
containers of pudding. Disappointed, each of the mobsters made
a quiet
exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full
stomachs.
The following morning, a St. John's newspaper headline read:
"Newfoundland's largest sperm bank robbed early this morning....."
Back to the top
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter
and
the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just
get to
the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the
front of
the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained
his
situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money
from
home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license
number, his address, etc. but tono avail. The cabbie said (adopt
appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get
the hell
out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to
the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won
big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should
he see
out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy
who
had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman
got in
the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport,"
he
asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give
me a
blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The
businessman got
into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions,
with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back
of the
line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The
cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and
off they
went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the
businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Back to the top
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was
gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably
horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but
then she
remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said
"Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried
to pull
it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put
her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
orgasm
nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over
by a
policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much
she'd had
to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't
stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then
said "Yea, right.
Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Back to the top
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,
carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with
the president of the bank to open a savings account because,
"It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered
her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of
her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're
carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot
of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow
at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the
president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he
was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square
and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked
him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president
complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked
if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so
I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed
that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00
am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my
hand."
Back to the top
I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don
Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed
a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his
palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and
a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the
heck
is Bill Clinton?!"
Back to the top
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't
show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
Back to the top
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper,
mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away
and the
guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was
lying on the beach this girl asked me about my privates, and the next
thing I know is I'm here."
The Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What
did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl
replied, "To him? Nothing... I was playing with the bird and
it spit on
me... so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Back to the top
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
upon
entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the
hell
are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom.
I'm 40
years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close
as
I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking
his
head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in
one
hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.
"What
on earth are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does
it look
like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my
son-in-law!!"
Back to the top
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed
at this, and asked "why a plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix
the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others
laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?" He replied, "so
I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought
this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before
asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He
replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps
coming in here and spitting on us!"
Back to the top
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to
shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went
down
the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy
trying
to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.
Closer
examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to
give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
Back to the top
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spreadout."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms
Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
Back to the top
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration,
he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but
not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went
to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the
items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent
it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I
noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in
the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the
long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to
remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting
them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think
how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will
wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is
to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Back to the top
The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black. "You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the chief's herd, "most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them."
"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so will I."
Back to the top
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I called mine SEX. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took Sex with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my OWN tickets. "But you don't understand" I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 2 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "Looking for Sex."
MY CASE COMES UP FRIDAY.
Back to the top
He calls up Batman, but Batman says: "I'm too tired, I busted up 3 gangs today and my utility belt broke and the Batmobile needed servicing and.... I just want to go to bed."
He calls up The Flash who says: "I got stopped in LA for running with beer on my breath. I've sworn off for the moment."
He calls up more super heroes, only to get turned down each time. Finally Superman decides that he'll go over and see Wonder Woman. He flies over to her house and hovers by the bedroom window and looks in. He's amazed to see her lying on the bed nude, face up, writhing with only a trilby hat over her face. Superman gets an evil idea. Faster than a speeding bullet, he undoes his fly, opens the window, flies in, enters her, does his thing, and shuts the window as he flies out (the ultimate quickie).
Wonder Woman looks out from under the trilby hat and says: "I wonder
what the Hell that was?" And the Invisible Man replies: "I don't know,
but suddenly my asshole hurts."
Back to the top
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little, but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house,
gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something
is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running
around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster
away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself "Damn, that's the third
gay rooster I've bought this year".
Back to the top
The second girl goes for her examination, and the doctor goes, "Well everything is alright except that you have a "M" on your chest." The girl states that she has a boyfriend that goes to Michigan and when they make love, he wears his sweatshirt.
The third girl has her examination, and afterwards the doctor goes,
"Well, everything is alright except that you have a "M" mark on your chest,
let me guess you have a boyfriend that goes to Minnesota?" The girl goes,
"Nope, but I have a girlfriend that goes to Wisconsin!"
Back to the top
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
Back to the top
"My son," says one "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new house as a gift.
The second man, not to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new sports cars as a gift.
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tell him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out,"
he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hair dresser, and I've just
recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But on the bright side,
he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have
given him a brand new house, two sports cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Back to the top
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling
up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Back to the top
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Back to the top
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't
think I can fit another roll up my ass."
Back to the top
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the dead energizer bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe the death occurred at approximately 8:42 P.M. last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that keeps going, and going, and going. "Pinkie" as he was lovingly known by his friends and family was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical examiner Dr. Dura Cell concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation.
Apparently, someone put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept
coming, and coming, and coming......
Back to the top
About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest,
which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with
your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Back to the top
Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent.
Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent.
After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
Back to the top
The hooker tried shutting her eyes and pretending her john was normal. But she made the mistake of opening her eyes. One look at the Hideous form fucking her and she vomited all over him.
The hunchback stopped and asked, "Are you sick?" Yes," she stammered.
"Good," he said. "For a minute, I thought I'd busted my hump."
Back to the top
The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I touched a mans private parts." The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?" The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water, say 10 Hail Marys and all will be forgiven.
Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth
nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went
first?" The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would you mind telling
me why?" The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water
before you have to sit in it!"--
Back to the top
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you
rub it, the bigger it gets."
Back to the top
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve- inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand:
the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
Back to the top
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Back to the top
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to the doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing seems to work. Finally his doctor refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him "I can fix this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
"All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?
Back to the top
One day the woman hears a car pull into the driveway and tells her lover to hide in the closet, as she fears he will not be able to sneak out fast enough.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies nervously, realizing that they've been observed in a very compromising situation.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you DO want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he's in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies
to keep the kid quiet.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when he hears
a car in the driveway and, again, asks him to hide in the closet.
"Dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man, whispering.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness!", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "Boy, it's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in HERE now," the priest says.
Back to the top
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunet, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by one
ear, grabs him by the other, looks him square in the eye and says, "listen
carefully, for the last time, I need a posse! A POSSE!!!!"
Back to the top
One day a new man washes up on shore. The new guy and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing 8 hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12 hour shifts". The second man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tower and is standing watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking". They yell back, "We're not fucking".
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking". Again they yell back, "We're not fucking".
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking". They yell back, "We're not fucking!!"
Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up.
He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing
each other's brains out. The husband looks out from the tower and says,
"Son-of-a-gun! From up here it DOES look like they're fucking!"
Back to the top
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Back to the top
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Back to the top
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't
be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste
of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey
Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't
be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip
it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I
rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well,
I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained
of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby
Ruth!
Back to the top
At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
Back to the top
When he walks into the bedroom, there was his wife, totally naked on the bed and the milkman standing, totally naked also, besides the bed.
The milkman promptly went into a squatting position on the rug and says,
"I'm glad you're here Mr Smith, because I was just telling your wife that
if she doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over the floor!"
Back to the top
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples. The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with watermelons."
Back to the top
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home.
Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoy-ing, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there, because
your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago!!"
Back to the top
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
"Gray."
Then he asked "What color siding?"
"Yellow."
"You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.
Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"
"Yeah."
"Your buddy got black hair?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!"
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared
into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy.
This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
Back to the top
A beautiful voluptuous woman went to a a gynecologist. Doctor Johnny took one look at the woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, Doctor Johnny began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said Doctor Johnny. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied Doctor Johnny. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in
the first place."
Back to the top
The stranger stammered, "I'm listening to music!"
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen."
He also between her breasts. He exclaimed suspiciously, "I can't hear any damn music."
"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"
Back to the top
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a fireman", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Back to the top
To which she replies, "No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster
on the top shelf."
Back to the top
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That
night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today
I hiked into a
beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.
Then
I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried,
I watched
deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled
with
butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman
tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,
and we
had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was
so tired
I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did
you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
Back to the top
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam,
the
first man."
So, the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to
Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the
woman?"
Adam says yes.
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much
front end protrusion.
2. it chatters at
high speeds.
3. the rear end wobbles
too much.
4. and the intake
is placed too close to the exhaust.
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial
supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads
it. He then says to
Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to
the
stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Back to the top
Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre
door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the
sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks
away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second
man comes over and does the same examinations.
When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she
grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine
and appreciated, but when are you going to start the
operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no
idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Back to the top
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on
the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for
the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Back to the top
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word
"'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the
Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she
called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
Back to the top
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are
in the
beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are
in the
sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow
answer the question and get a 3-day weekend. So Thursday night,
Johnny
takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the
end of the
day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question,"
Johnny
empties the bag to the floor, sending the ping-pong balls rolling
to the
front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption
of
class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see
ya on
Tuesday!"
Back to the top
So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip
the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect
working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously
awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%!
He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor
said, "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping
down the
engine-a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it
- a
fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all
through the muffler."
Back to the top
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're
the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota
Twins baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You
are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M
Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has
given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others
ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."
Back to the top
The son asked his father, "Why there are so many different boxes
of
condoms?"
The father replied, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when
you're in
high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asked his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?"
The father replied, "Well that's for when you're in college. You
have 2
for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asked his father, "What's that 12 pack is for?"
The father replied, "Well that's for when you're married.
You have one
for January, one for February, one for March........"
Back to the top
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot
father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles
to
get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this
fish
is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop. Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop:"Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called,
and
I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I
could
clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop
takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the
convent.
Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for
dinner
tonight?"
Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they
all
think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes
off
his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says,
"You know, you fuckers are alright".
Back to the top
As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks,
"Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the
wife replies" Yeah, it's limp!"
"It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. " It's admiring my new
snakeskin boots!"
"Next time buy a hat."
Back to the top
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could
not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious
pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly
embedded.
It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his. A woman
comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf
ball.
The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does
this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could
remember.
Back to the top
St.Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should
go to heaven, so she takes off her top
and says "Look at these.
They're the most perfect pair God ever
created, and I'm sure it will
please him to be able to see them every
day for eternity."
St.Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana
the same question. Diana drops
her skirt and panties, takes a bottle
of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and douches with it.
St.Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. She screams,
"What was that all about? I show you
two of God's own creations, she performs
a disgusting, pornographic
act, and she get's in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry Dolly" says St.Peter, "but a royal
flush beats a pair any day."
Back to the top
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll
display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell
me
what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His
mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face
says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if
someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Yes, definitely."
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but
in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
Back to the top
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off
to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and
she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came
out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the
middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe
you could just drop it in!
Back to the top
Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay
the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at
night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the
sign "$50 or I'll bite."
The newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
Back to the top
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father." the nun answered.
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day
or
two."
"I agree." said the nun.
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would
you do
something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I could
see
them?"
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
The nun also ask the priest the same thing. This time the priest
consented
and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give
life."
"Is that true father? Then why don't you stick it in the camel's
ass and
let's get the hell out of here."
Back to the top
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and <poof!>
she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof!> she's
gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name
just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it
to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands
it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline
laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "
Back to the top
The small guy faints...
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face
and shaking him and asks the small guy, Whats wrong with you?...
The small guy says "excuse me, but what did you say?"
the big guy looks down and replies 7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch
penis, 3lb left testicle, 3lb right testicle, Turner Brown.
The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said Turn around.....
Back to the top
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman
said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me
to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do
in
just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet
from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed
into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
'Paint my
house.'
Back to the top
"There is, he replied, breakfast.
Back to the top
Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
Sheriff says that he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell
the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down
on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we
should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a
kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well
Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up
on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-
Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same
Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and
said "Billy-Bob, go to town."
Back to the top
"But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a *sperm*
bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.
"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take
another bottle and drink it."
"But sir, I just drank one!"
"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and
the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"
Back to the top
Unfortunately, on his way he feels sick and he throws up all over
his suit. Arriving home he uses his fine legal mind, and explains way
the mess to his wife. "Some filthy tramp vomited all over me," he moans,
and his sympathetic wife makes him a nice cup of tea,
The next day the judge comes home and decides to make his story
more
convincing. "You'll never guess what?" he says to his wife, "The tramp
that threw up on me was in court today, I gave him six months!"
"Well," she replies, "You should have given him a year because he pooped
in your pants as well".
Back to the top
You should be bloody well hung."
"I am." the man shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
Back to the top
"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.
"This is it," replied his wife.
"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband.
"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now
hurry and get your costume on."
The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid
over his penis.
"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife.
"I am a fire alarm," he replied.
"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice
and I come."
Back to the top
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired,
I
offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and
fed
her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were wornout so I gave her a pair of your shoes you
didn't
wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I
gave her
that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't
suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair
of yours
that you don't fit into anymore."
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is
there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we
are!"
Back to the top
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He
said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For
dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems
with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly:
make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his
every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to
a year, I
think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor
say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Back to the top
One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60
bucks, and went home.
Back to the top
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at
home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear
it
speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The
owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and
said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird.
She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her
the
bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her
living
room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around
the
room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from
school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said,
"New house, new madam, new prostitutes."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began
to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new
prostitutes; same old faces. Hi George!"
Back to the top
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a
red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto,
Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit.''
Back to the top
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of
the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told,
however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and
correct the error
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye
as he went off to heaven.
On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop
to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that? It's not that great
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late.
Back to the top
The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You
see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they
died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to
Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of
cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her.
Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked
on
the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but
couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor
of
an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man,
hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let
go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into
the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator
and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort
gave me a heart attack and I died.
"Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..." The
next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being
full and the man would have to tell his story.
"Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an
apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well,
today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the
balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started
beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but
then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally
fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my
life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his
refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now
I'm here."
"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..." The third man walked
up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the
man would have to tell his story of how he died.
"Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding
naked inside of a refrigerator..."
Back to the top
He stopped to investigate
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
Back to the top
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't
see
what the problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
Back to the top
Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Back to the top
These 2 nuns went out the convent to sell cookies. One
of them is known as
Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.).
It
is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for
the past half
hour ?
S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants.
S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at
the most.
What can we do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start
walking
faster.
S.M. : It is not working.
S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical
thing to do.
He also started to walk faster.
S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us
in less than 1
minute.
S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that
way and I
will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister
Mathematical arrives
at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not
arrived yet.
Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here. Tell us what
happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow
both of us,
so he decided to go after me.
S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as
fast as I could.
S.M. : So what happened ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started
to run as fast
as he could.
S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ?
S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister ? A nun with her dress up runs
faster than a
man with his pants down.
Back to the top
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about
the
encounter. The mother runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day
the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him
the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike?
This
is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new
boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his
most
private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and
your
mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well,
what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress and says "My mother told me that as long as
I
have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Back to the top
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around.
One
more try, he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive
them to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the pigs
and
upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
at the pigs. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the pigs
are
laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one
of them is honking the horn."
Back to the top
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his
ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
Back to the top
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk. "Here," he said to the "statue", "eat something. I stood like
an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much
as a glass of water."
Back to the top
She looks at it for a minute...looks around to see if anyone's
watching her... and she whispers to the man behind the
counter..."I'LL TAKE ONE. He packages up a frog. The woman
grabs
her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home... takes out the
instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what it says to
do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling
perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy Teddy.
3. Crawl into bed...spread your legs and put the
frog down
"THERE".
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the
scent
she chose is not appealing to the frog...So, she showers again...and
trys another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between
her legs and...NOTHING. She's totally frustrated and pissed off
at
this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there
might be something she overlooked.
At the bottom of the paper it says...If you have any problems or
questions, please call the pet store. So, she does. The
man behind
the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be
right over to check out the problem".
A few minutes later he knocks on the door. He enters and says,
"You'll have to show me exactly what you did". She does. She
showers, puts on the perfume and the Teddy, gets into bed...and puts
the frog between her legs. NOTHING HAPPENS.
She says, "see, I've done everything according to the instructions
and the damn thing just sits there." The man looking very concerned,
picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY
GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"
Back to the top
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police
car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and
says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
Back to the top
The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, "Excuse me,
I
don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally
worn
by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you
might
still be a virgin? How could that be?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is.
You
see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk
about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted
to look.
My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him..."
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so johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,
and closes the door.
- first, johnny, i want you to take off my blouse...
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra...
which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
and when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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She turns to the class and asks who wrote this and what does
it mean.
Sally stands and says, "To Teacher ... 1 apple!"
She commends Sally for her nice gesture and proceeds with
the class.
The next day she comes to work and already finds written on
the board, "tt + 1o"
She again turns to the class and inquires for an explanation,
this time Joey stands and says, "To Teacher ... 1 orange."
Next day she comes to work, half-way expecting to find some
more 2nd grade "cryptic" words, opens the door .... and gets
the shock of her life. She sees the words "tt fuck + 1t"
Horrified, she turns to the class and screams, "WHO WROTE
THIS?"
Little Juan stands and say "To Teacher, From Us Chicano
Kids .... 1 Taco!"
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"Dead for two weeks, how did you work that out ?"
"Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build
up!"
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