The following is a vocabulary list of common words...which are you?
Word
Geek
Normal
---------- ---------------------
-------------------------
Code
software instruction cryptic message
Boot
load operating system footwear
Virus
makes computer sick makes you sick
Memory
data storage
retained ideas
News
Usenet
NBC/CNN/C-Span
Mail
electronic messages bills/junk mail
FIDO
BBS system
dog
Pen
pointing device writing
with ink thing
SLIP
Networking protocol a fall/undergarment
Tip
Simple comm prog. $$ for waiters/waitresses
Mouse
pointing device rodent
Screen
terminal face
metal mesh
Spool
swap device
thing that holds thread
Thread
code structure method stuff on spools
OOP
C++
a booboo
Ports
serial, parallel.... place where ships dock
Floppy
removeable disk limp
Harddrive fixed disk
difficult trip
Windows
GUI nightmare
cleaning nightmare
Root
sysadmin
bottom part of plant
Smalltalk programming
language chit chat
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DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you
to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However,
the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot
of people are
going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.
The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients,
you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side
reminds
you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks
a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims
that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but
in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if
you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes,
for
apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode
when you open
it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't
explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really
see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been
sold.
Windows 95 Beer.
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested
it and
claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's
can, but
tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.
cans, but when
you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them.
Most
people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until
their friends
try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients
list, when
you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients
that come
in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this
is an
entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators.
The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises
to
change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after
Windows 95
beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength"
beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,
even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them,
so you have
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in
which case
you either need a complete set of instructions or a
friend who has
been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has
been picked
up by some weird German company, so now this beer will
be an import.
This beer never really sold very well because the original
manufacturer
didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS
Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came
in a 16-oz. can,
but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was
originally
introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design
hasn't
changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.
Critics of this
beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the
top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to
explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk
in high pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer
for the list
of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and
referred to an
unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.
Rumors are that
this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as
a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen
it.
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Right to Life Virus:
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it
is.
If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a
counselor about possible alternatives.
Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T Virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're
getting.
MCI Virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much
for the AT&T Virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software
says everything is fine.
Texas Virus:
Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Warren Beatty Virus:
Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself
to younger
or newer files.
Nike Virus:
Just does it.
Quantum Leap Virus:
One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh,
then a Nintendo.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Bill Clinton virus:
Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor,
slow
processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich
ones.
This virus protests your computer's involvement in other
computer's
affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for
12 years.
Congressional Virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Ross Perot Virus:
Activates every component on your system, just before the
whole thing quits.
Mario Cuomo Virus:
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Dan Quayle Virus:
Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can't
figyour out watt.
Pat Buchanan virus:
Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Gallup Virus:
60% of the PCs infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of
the time
(plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error.)
Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs,
only
to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural
America.
Federal bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units,
each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim
to be the most important part of the computer.
PBS virus:
Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jocelyn Elders virus:
Makes sure every file is a planned and wanted file.
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Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
devastated
if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't
have it are
somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They
are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.
Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes
it hard
to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people
still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it
for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some
people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people
take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's
too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size
and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why
on earth did I
do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices,
it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
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COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<-------- The information went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
.. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DELto continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven
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Stupid Shell Tricks
--------------------------------------------------
Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command should be issued
from
the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the Bourne shell.
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink < bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat > matter
matter: cannot create
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"My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill
started to
ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel
Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died
in a car
wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first,
unless you
were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
Bill asked the guy where Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates were.
Gabriel
ignored Bill until he located Bill's records. "You were the
president of a
large software company?" Bill noded.
"When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only
a hundred or
so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself,
no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus,
when God said to
'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that
large a
population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million
people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now,
Peter is the
CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate
headquarters
and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."
Gabriel
looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your
paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours,
you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"What do you mean a 'job'?"
Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass
and drinking
ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight
around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill
sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to
Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational
orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel
interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked down to center 23 and waited for six hours before he
could see
Abraham. He told Bill that they were centuries behind in
their data processing infrastructure.
"Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center.
We're
building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million
computers
connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into
a
back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel.
Fully fault
tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job!
This is
really Heaven!" So Abraham and him went to see the center.
It was
computer heaven. Computers arranged neatly row-by-row, half
a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a
single byte of
Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that
he had
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about
PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel???
What about
Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system
that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing
center based on PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
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Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
ELEANOR RIGBY
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
UNIX MAN (NOWHERE MAN)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me ?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
WRITE IN C ("LET IT BE")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
SOMETHING
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3
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This is one to definitely watch out for! Just listen what it's capable of!
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will
recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice
cream
goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex your new phone number. It will mix
Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave
its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit
pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give
you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas
tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current
girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room
to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead,
such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave
to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find
it.
It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your
boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It
is
dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting
shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat
up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and
then
leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
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LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the
rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
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The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds
to
wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure
that he dries
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He
turns and
says, "At Siemens not only are we trained to be extremely thorough
but we
are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting
over his shoulder: "At Nortel, we don't piss on our hands."
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The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a
beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy
took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again
the boy
took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful
Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything*
you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time
for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
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Luke: "You used to program."
Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same
as your father."
Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer.
He was a custodian at
Lockheed-Martin."
Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you.
He didn't hold with your
father's ideals.
He thought he should go to work. Not gotten
a degree."
Luke: "I wish I had known him."
Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst,
and the best systems
programmer in
the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a
good hacker yourself.
And he was a good friend. For over ten
years the systems
programmers created user interfaces. Before
the dark times.
Before Microsoft."
Luke: "How did my father die?"
Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates,
who was a student
until his mommy
kicked him out of her basement, founded
Microsoft and
helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He
betrayed and murdered
the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the
Dark Side of Money."
Luke: "Money?"
Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his
resources. It's an
exchange system
created by human beings. It surrounds us.
Works for us.
Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your
father wanted
you to have this when you were old enough, but
your Uncle wouldn't
allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan
on some damn idealistic
crusade."
Luke: "What is it?"
Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The
weapon of a systems
programmer. Not
as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant
compiler for a
more civilized age."
[Note - originally appeared titled "Object-Oriented Jedi" on "Funny
Town", a
humor publication at http://www.funnytown.com. My thanks
to them
for granting reprint permission - ed.]
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