* Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you
with that icky feeling of disorientation for the rest of the
day.
* You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would
never be needed such as curb feelers and turn signals,
and yet
obvious options such as trailer hitches and air conditioning,
are extras.
* You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail,
the geographical necessity for correction lines.
* You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a
week-by-week basis.
* You sort your laundry into three loads: greens; whites; and
green & whites.
* Your other vehicle is a Massey-Ferguson.
* You've required a total of 40 stitches over the years for various
lacerations suffered while doing the butterfly at wedding dances.
* Every birthday you receive exactly the present you most desperately
need: a new curling broom.
* You can't understand why those American television networks never
settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs
back and
forth an hour every spring and fall.
* While cleaning out your teenage son's closet, you're alarmed to
discover tucked away in the back a foot high stack of old Western
Producers.
* You're on a first name basis with the clerks at the Payless
Shoe store in Minot.
* You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late
TWO nights a week rather than one.
* You question why they didn't call them the Cypress Mountains!
* You catch yourself getting down to the radio jingles for
post-emergent broad-leaf weed control.
* You actually have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own,
although you still insist on wearing only one so the others
don't
get dirty.
* You overhear someone explain how he installed a counterbinder
on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a
square head
hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser,
and you
can't believe he left only 5 1/4 inches of clearance between
the
kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator, the idiot!
* You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider
doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher.
* Your idea of gun control is when you make sure the bead drawn
on the gopher is aligned with the sights before you gently
squeeze,
not pull, the trigger.
* When the bank teller asks to see some proof of identification and
you point to the arm patch on your slow-pitch jacket.
* You never realized you had a fear of heights until the day you
made the mistake of peering down an open well.
* Your pronunciation af "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 1/2
syllables: "Skatchw'n"
* Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in
public places. (Rider's win Grey Cup)
Back to the top
Excitable
----------
Shorts half twisted around and ripped; obviously
can't find the hole
Sociable
---------
Joins friends in pissing whether he has to
or not
Curious
-------
Looks into next urinal to see how the other
guy is fixed
Timid
-----
Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes
urinal and comes back later
Indifferent
-----------
If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink
Clever
------
No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses
on floor
Worried
-------
Not sure of where he has been lately, makes
quick inspection
Frivolous
---------
Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries
to hit other urinals
Absent Minded
-------------
Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
Chlidish
--------
Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes
to see it bubble
Tough
-----
Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it
Patient
-------
Stands very close for a long time waiting,
lets it drip dry, reads
with other hand
Efficient
---------
Waits until he has to crap, then does both
Drunk
-----
Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in
pants
Disgruntled
-----------
Stands for a while, gives up, walks away
Conceited
---------
Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat
Desperate
----------
Waits in long line with teeth floating; ultimately
pisses in pants
Sneak
-----
Farts silently while pissing; acts very innocent
Back to the top
6. As soon as you get one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers
is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative
as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not
going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it!
Back to the top
8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice,
which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit,
well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal
benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.),
which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the
disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best
thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep
on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me
already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked
mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to
have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really
looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to
learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our
recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then,
that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains
and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its
size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance
(it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may
change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new
meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a
scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy
flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what
did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes
Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar
Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern
snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually
blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking
at
these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good
may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old
question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on
Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can
prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product
does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always
found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried,
shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
Back to the top
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* All men are idiots ... I married their king.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted, telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Put away your make-up and drive.
* Put away your lipstick and drive.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to GET you!
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,
somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole
Back to the top
"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I
am
this bombed.
"Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes" (w/ opposite
sex)
--You would look great face down in my lap.
"You get this one, next round is on me"
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--This place has dollar drafts and beers are $244.50 a pop at the
next bar
"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
--You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends?
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
--I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you other than you're
a
way to get your friend into a compromising position.
"Let's get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's
helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
--I'm easy.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
--I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
--I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means
that I get
to lick you.
"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
--If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you
on
the ride home?
"Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys."
--Take a good look now because next time you see that
face it will
be on the back of a milk carton.
"I don't feel well, lets go home." (female)
--You are paying more attention to your friends
than me.
"I don't feel well, lets go home" (male)
--I'm horny.
"I've had like 10 beers already"
--I've only had 3, but I need an excuse to behave
this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.
"I'm getting my life back together."
--Are you kidding? Would I be in a place like this, rocked off
my
ass, if I had my act together? I'm a mess; fear and avoid me
like
the plague.
"Excuse Me. (male to male)
--Get the fuck out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (male to female)
--I am going to grope you now.
"Excuse Me." (female to male)
--Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck
out of the
way.
"Excuse Me." (female to female).
--Move your fat ass. Who do you think you
are anyway? You are
not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are.
Coming
in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll
slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.
"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."
--I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100
bucks and have
been avoiding him since football season.
"What do you have on tap?"
--What's cheap?
"Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
--I'm really gay.
"Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
--I'm really easy.
"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab"
--I already lined up a ride home with your
ex-girlfriend.
"That person looks really familiar."
--Did I sleep with him/her?
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
--I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with
this.
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)
--It's 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago.
Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it
is the least you can do for me.
"Do you have any Wild Turkey"
--I want to make my friend really sick so we can
all laugh at him
in the morning.
"I don't have my ID on me" (female)
--I'm 19.
"I don't have my ID on me" (male)
--I don't have a license since I got pulled
over and blew a .4
last time I was in here.
Back to the top
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,you should get off
your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets
job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a
sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up on yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don't,there must
be someone else.
Back to the top
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake
up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing
like an asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH
YOUR
HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings
like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the boss
what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office
Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the
morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the
hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in
the morning and see something really scary (whose species and
or name
you can't remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you
are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy
named Psycho.
Back to the top
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of ...them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having
freaky circus sex all night?"
Back to the top
1. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle, no one, ever, has been in worse shape.
3. Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained ankle.
4. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
5. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store
6. Overall, we can cook better than you, so if you make dinner, it better be good.
7. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
8. Hangovers are never our fault, and we deserve sympathy.
9. Led Zeppelin and the Grateful Dead are good make-out bands. Tori Amos, Alanis Morrisette and Liz Phair are not.
10. The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years does not make the rest of us miserable pigs.
11. Even if we are miserable pigs, you'll have a tough time showing causality.
12. The Three Stooges are funny.
13. Butthead is the smart one.
14. Nobody actually reads Playboy, but you should humor us anyway.
15. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
16. Briefs are a no-no, no matter what.
17. Hair jokes are not funny.
18. The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y chromosome. Therefore, you need not bother suggesting that we stop.
19. Love our mothers.
20. Love our sisters.
21. Really, really love our dogs.
22. Cats are not, in fact, approved pets for men.
23. We rank fish above cats.
24. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
25. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
26. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
27. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
28. A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. We do care what you think.
29. A new tie costs less than $30. If we just spent $400 on a new suit, we sure as hell don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing. Let us pick out our own ties.
30. Socks never constitute a gift.
31. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
32. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
33. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens
34. You could pay for dinner every now and then.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
36. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
37. Curley is the bald one.
38. White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire Amber.
39. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
40. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
41. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
42. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
43. Golf is a sport, and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend afternoon.
44. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
45. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
46. No, you can't have the remote control.
47. We do love you. We don't love many people, and we don't like to say it very often. Too much of anything can diminish its value.
48. We can get the Sunday paper and read it, or we can cuddle, drink coffee and chat. We cannot do both, so make up your mind, in advance.
49. Wear our clothes out in public, in front of our friends and in front of yours. Just because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your individuality.
50. If you must take us with you into Victoria's
Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean
faces at us and only adds to our discomfort.
Back to the top
10 "I think of you as a brother." (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9 "There's a slight difference in our ages." (You are one jurassic geezer)
8 "I'm not attracted to you in that way." (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)
7 "My life is too complicated right now." (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy)
6 "I've got a boyfriend." (I've got a vibrator)
5 "I don't date men who work in the same building." (I don't date men who aren't in the same species)
4 "It's not you, it's me." (It's not me, it's you)
3 "I'm concentrating on my career." (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)
2 "I'm celibate." (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether)
1 "Let's be friends." (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men (& what they actually mean)
10 "I think of you as a sister." (You're ugly)
9 "There's a slight difference in our ages." (You're ugly)
8 "I'm not attracted to you in that way." (You're ugly)
7 "My life is too complicated right now." (You're ugly)
6 "I've got a girlfriend." (You're ugly)
5 "I don't date women who work in the same building." (You're ugly)
4 "It's not you, it's me." (You're ugly)
3 "I'm concentrating on my career." (You're ugly)
2 "I'm celibate." (You're ugly)
1 "Let's be friends." (You're ugly)
Back to the top
1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid.
2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough.
3. Look at the size of that thing!
4. Sorry about the mess...
5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!
6. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper.
7. You've got something jammed in here real good.
8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!
Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from the Empire Strikes Back
1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
2. Possible he came through the south entrance.
3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
like that
4. Hurry up, Golden-rod!
5. That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual for a while.
6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, Come...
7. Control, control. You must learn control!
8. There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
9. Size matters not, judge me by my size do you?
10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.
Top 10 sexually tiltes lines from Return of the Jedi
1. Rise, my friend.
2. Open the back door.
3. Hey, point that thing somewhere else.
4. Its just a dead animal.
5. Not bad for a little furball.
6. Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat.
7. How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming.
8. Keep on that one, I'll take these two.
9. I want you to take her. I mean it, take her.
10. I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they made her
Chewie.
Back to the top
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
and the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out
loud in
Victoria's secret:
#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world
peace!!
Back to the top
1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological
longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food,sex and beer.
2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with the guys.
3. Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
"look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend
5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.
7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper
levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over
the office one flight up.
8. Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get
really turned on.
9. Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achive.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
10. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
11. Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to
make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior
to tossing it out.
12. Thingie (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
13. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a jock strap.
Back to the top
As presented on the 08/22/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID
LETTERMAN
10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"
9. Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference?
8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"
4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway
3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like
"prophylactic device"
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful
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=========================================================================
Bathroom humour: 20 ways to annoy someone
in the bathroom:
1. Stick your open palm under the stall
wall and ask
your neighbor, "May
I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody
breaks
the silence
with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!".
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds
and then
drop a cantaloupe
into the toilet bowl from a height of
6 feet. Sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.
Squirt it
erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling,
"Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut
butter
on a wad
of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall
wall of
your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick
that back
over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn.
Rush into the stall
with your hand
over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit
impression while
you squeeze the balloon and splatter
cream corn all
about. Apologize profusely and blame it on
the fettucine
alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a
little too small.
Now what am
I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and
over again on
your butt
cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously
lay down
your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor
visible
to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall
wall, adjust it
so you
can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the
stall wall
and sing
"Born Free".
Back to the top
White Trash Barbie with Unemployed Ken
-Accessorize their double-wide mobile home with pink flamingoes and
tire halves.
Optional Milwaukee Tumor, television set and classifieds page for Ken.
Comfortable Shoes Barbie with P.E. Teacher Kendra
-No makeup, extra pairs of sweat pants and short hair fashion book.
Kendra comes with hairy underarms and multiple piercings.
Pro Life Barbie with Abortion Dr. Ken
-Barbie accessorizes with her 9mm pistol, protest sign-making kit and
throwable fetuses. Get Dr. Ken's "Office Back Door" accessories and help
him sneak into work!
Ho Barbie with Pimp Ken
-Let Barbie "work" under her authentic street corner and lamp. Extra
clothing accessories and "Huggy Bear" hats, plus a low-rider BMW with curb-finders
for Ken.
Dominatrix Barbie with Slave Boy Ken
-Barbie's Harley, leather outfit collection and "tool kit" including
cat-o-nine tails and cuffs helps her completely degrade that worthless
Ken.
Preppie Barbie and Upper Class Ken
-Lots of Izod accessories, a Volvo wagon and new Barbie kids Muffy
an Biff round out an idyllic American family which includes Ken's golf
set, the picnic in the park kit, and vomit bags.
Middle America Barbie with Gone Postal Ken
-Comes with boring, unassuming, midwestern motif, and the "Gone Postal"
uzzi and bloodpackets for a completely unexpected occurence around the
house.
Big Fat Barbie with Triple Bypass Ken
-Help them eat the 400 pounds of food that comes in the Pig Out Kit
as they while away
the days firmly planted on the Potato Couch (optional). Let Paramedic
Ken rush Triple Bypass Ken to "Barbie General", where Surgeon Ken pulls
him through. Hours of fun!
Bulemic Model Barbie with Ruthless Agent Ken
-Comes with Purging Toilet, seamless backdrop for photo shoots, headshots,
and
Ken's Casting Couch, where an illustrated manual teaches the important
lessons (and positions) in life.
Punk Barbie with New Wave Ken
-A totally 80's revival collector's item, Barbie's Body Piercing Kit,
Hair Dye accessories, and Ken's Body Piercing Kit and Hair Dye accessories
allow you to make Barbie and Ken indistiguishable from each other!
Cheerleader Barbie and Dallas Cowboy Ken
-Comes complete with video camera, rope, bed, pistol, and optional
Commissioner Ken, who is blind.
Black Lung Barbie with Humidor Ken
-A failed promotional package sponsored by Philip Morris, included
packs of
Marlboros and matches, ash tray pack, and rolled up sleeves where Ken
kept his smokes.
West Virginia Barbie with Brother/Husband Ken
-Comes with shack and outhouse, shotgun, Deep Brow makeup kit, and
lazy BloodHound for under the porch.
Back to the top
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it
taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in
it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot
when you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in
it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the
time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the
back of your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to
have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
Back to the top
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few peas short of a casserole.
All foam, no beer.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Back to the top
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around -- that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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IF MEN WERE TO REWRITE THE RULES
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two
ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make
us
take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can
we
know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how
you
want it done - not both.
Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say
during commercials.
Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither
do we.
Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto
the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
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