Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: What does an 80 year old woman taste like?
A: It depends!
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women
don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
..Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for
boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong-man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly
finger.
Learn to masturbate-come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon, one prick all gone.
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- I had to take a train and two busses just to get
on her good side.
- When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
- They had to grease a door frame and hold a twinkie
on the other
side to get her through.
- When she dances she makes the band skip.
- Instead of Levi's 501 jeans she wears Levi's 1002s.
- When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease
the doctor
gave her 13 years to live.
- When I yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!" she comes crashing
through the wall.
- She puts mayonaise on aspirin.
- Her ass has its own congressman.
- Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
- When God said, "Let there be light", he told her
to move her fat
ass out of the way.
- When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw HER
peanuts.
- Her high school graduation picture was an aerial
photograph.
- Her driver's license says "Picture continued on
other side."
- She can't even jump to a conclusion.
- Her nickname is "DAMN!"
- The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot
dogs.
- She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
- The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.
- When she jumps in the air, she gets stuck.
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Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
A: Look for dandruff on her shoes.
Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When your wanking hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: Well, think of the mess a snail makes...
Q. Why did God give men penises ?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a
woman up.
Q. What's the difference between a paycheck
and your dick ?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your
paycheck.
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig
?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed
from the waist down ?
A. Marriage.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's'
nipples for ?
A. Its Braille for "suck here".
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between
her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't ?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex
?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good
time.
Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinistic
pig ?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's'
body, except his own.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen
to nag you, what have you done wrong ?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. How many women does it take to change a
light bulb ?
A. None, they just sit there in the
dark and bitch.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named
after women ?
A. When they come,they're wild and wet, but
when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. What's the difference between your wife
and your job ?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job
?
A. Ten minutes of silence
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant!!
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap the bitch
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Fucking nothing, you've already told them twice !!!!
Q: What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?
A: A Whopper with cheese
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina.
Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Someone is losing a trailer!
Q: What do you call two lesbians on the rag?
A: Finger painting....
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it!
Q: What does a blondes right leg say too her left leg?
A: Nothing, they've never met before!
Q: What is the mating call of a redhead?
A: "Next"!
Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
A: So it doesn't explode when you butt-fuck it.
Q: What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're
left with is a greasy box.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
Q: What's the difference between a washing machine and a 16 year old
girl?
A: You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow
you around for 2 weeks telling you it loves you.
Q: Why do doctors slap babies when they're born?
A: To knock the dicks off the stupid ones!
Q: What do women & dog turds have in common?
A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!
Q: What do women & condoms have in common?
A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
A: A Megasoreass.
Q: How can you tell if a redneck bitch is on the rag?
A: See if her brother's dick tastes like blood.
Q: What is the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
A: The wheelchair.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Q: What has six legs and eats pussy ?
A: You, me and Ellen Degeneres.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: How can you tell your kid is being molested at his daycare
center?
A: He won't stop crying unless you put a pacifier in his asshole.
Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hairballs.
Q: What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning,
"Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on
the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got
laid a minute ago."
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
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What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in twenty minutes.
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper
"Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton"
What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A small weenie in hot water.
Bill Clinton is a life member of Weight Watchers
He is thoroughly convinced that "Eating isn't
cheating anymore".
How did 500 women sampled at random respond when
asked if they would have sex with Bill
Clinton?
86% responded "Not again!"
President Clinton, what do you want to do about
this abortion bill?
He replies, "I guess...pay it!"
Clinton Presidential Anthem --
Kneel to the Chief
What's the difference between Watergate and
Zippergate...
At least this time, there's no doubt about the
identity of "Deep Throat."
How did Bill reply regarding questions of
"coaching" Monica's testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
Her dad is getting more dates than she is.
Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side
of the story?
He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview.
What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger
What advice did Yasar Arafat give President
Clinton in their meeting on January 22, 1998?
"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"
President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell
you to lie in deposition . . .
I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
What's the actual title of Hillary's book?
"It Takes a Village . . . to Satisfy my Husband"
Why does Clinton think he's innocent,
Because he didn't inhale the intern!
Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the "Oral" Office
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Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
all
get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her crap.
-Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
-Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. --Heck, do both, get married!
-Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.
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...when God said, "Let there be light," God told your momma to move her fat ass.
...she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says, "Okay!"
...when she hauls ass, she has to take two trips.
...when she goes to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, they have to install speed-bumps.
...when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace comes and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
...the weather service has to assign names to her farts.
...a policeman ran up to her and said, "Hey! Break it up!"
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