1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with
is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in
the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
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But there is now a great way to blow a chick off...it's safe...it's
affordable and the best thing is, the chick has no opportunity to
throw things at you. (And it's at your fingertips right now...
E-mail.)
That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks
they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have
told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.
And
you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could
be
more painless?
The following is an E-mail rejection letter. Men can use it the
next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers. Hope
it
comes in handy. The text of the letter follows:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear (her name) or babe,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you
are
probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and
dozens of well-qualified candidates, such as yourself, also failed
to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another
band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt
to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance
of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly
by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified
for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the
inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ My breasts are bigger than yours.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If
you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when
it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the
alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you
are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of
commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your
ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic
abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you
seriously.
___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount
importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team
into
the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like"
your
college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Your Name (Optional)
Back to the top
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)what's a road?
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ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary from 40-200 kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation
in
alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car
2. Can be great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turn rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at
different locations as long as specimens do not come into
direct
contact with each other
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Gang:___________________________
Name:___________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he
misses 6 out of
10shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting,
how many
drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to
reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells a 8-ball
to Jackson
for$200 and 3 grams to Billy for $95 per gram. What
is the street
value of the balance of the coke if he doesn't cut
it.
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price
is $83 per trick,
how many many tricks will each girl have to turn
so Rufus can pay
for his$800 a day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to
make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will be needed?
5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a
Chevy, and $100
for a 4*4. How many Chevys will he have to steal
to make $600.
6. Raoul is in prison for six years for murder. He
got $10000 for
the hit. If his common-law-wife is spending $100
per month on
alcohol, how much money will be left when he gets
out of prison, and
how many years will he get for killing his wife
who spent all his
money?
7. If the average spray can covers 11 square feet
and the average
letter is 1 square foot, how many letters can Rodney0
spray with 3
cans of paint?
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{ home cooking for the inexpierenced }
INGREDIENTS:
2 Laughing eyes
2 Loving arms
2 Well-shaped legs
1 Fir lined mixing bowl
2 Firm milk containers
1 Large banana
MIXING INSTRUCTIONS:
1 Look into laughing eyes
2 Spread well-shaped legs slowly
3 Squeeze and massage milk containers very gentally
untill fur lined mixing bowl is well greased.
check frequently with middle finger
4 Add banana and gently work in and out until well creamed.
5 Cover with nuts and sigh with relief.
Bread is done when banana becums soft: be shure to wash utensils
and don't lick the bowl!
{note:} If bread starts to rise Leave town immeadiatly!
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22 Correct - Genius
17-21 Correct - Above Normal
15-16 Correct - Normal
8-14 Correct - Nincompoop
6-7 Correct - Moron
1-5 Correct - Idiot
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's
sister, but
the beggar is not the woman's brother. How
come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the
same number
of games. There are not ties. Explain
this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have
southern
exposure. A big bear walks by, what color
is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel.
What are
the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
was an oilburner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning
stove, which
one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he
weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
21. How much dirt is in a hole 3 wide by 5 feet long by 4 feet deep?
ANSWERS:
1. yes (they also have a 3rd of july, a 2nd of july, etc...)
2. one a year
3. all months have (at least) 28 days
4. the begger is the woman's sister
5. because he is living
6. 6 (3 per side)
7. no. the man would be dead
8. they are not playing each other
9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60)
10 white. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be
at the north pole)
11. 2 (you just took 2 apples)
12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickle (one is not a nickel, but the
other
one is)
13. light the match first
14. half way (then he would be running out)
15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more
half hour)
16. 9 (all but 9 die...)
17. none. moses was not on the ark
18. he weighs meat.
19. 12
20. Bill Clinton
21. None, its a hole.
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