Funny Songs and Poems
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The Dr. Seuss Purity Test
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A Whole Nude World
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Hey Masturbata
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The Marv Albert Song
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Do Re Mi Beer
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The ABC's of Love.
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Romance
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The Hangdown Club
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Twas The Night Before Xmas (Adult version)
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THE DR. SEUSS PURITY TEST
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.
Note:
This makes for a great drinking game with a group of people. Read one
at
a time and every one who says "yes" must take a shot of ________, at
the
end the one most pure will also be the one most sober!
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A Whole Nude World
!Aladdin!
I can show you my penis,
Big and sparkling and splendid,
I can make it extended
On my magic mattress ride.
I can open your thighs,
Rock your body like thunder,
Over, sideways, and under
On my magic mattress ride.
A whole nude world,
A new fantastic way to screw,
Everyone tells me "no,"
I need a blow,
So I can start my screaming.
!Jasmine!
A whole nude world,
My sizzling space you never knew,
But when you're way down there,
Engrossed in hair,
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
!Aladdin!
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
!Jasmine!
Unbelievable size,
Indescribable squealing,
Leaning, bending, and kneeling
At my moist and gaping thighs.
A whole nude world
!Aladdin!
Don't you dare close your thighs
!Jasmine!
A hundred thousand sperm in me
!Aladdin!
Hold your breath-- it gets better
!Jasmine!
I'm like a shooting star,
I've come so far,
I can't go back to my virginity.
!Aladdin!
A whole nude world
!Jasmine!
Every thrust of your thighs
!Aladdin!
With new positions we can screw
!Jasmine!
Every moment gets wetter
!Both!
I'll lick you anywhere,
Hey, I don't care,
Let me share this whole nude world with you.
!Aladdin!
A whole nude world
!Jasmine!
A whole nude world
!Aladdin!
That's where we'll be
!Jasmine!
That's where we'll be
!Aladdin!
A thrilling taste
!Jasmine!
Of my hot place
!Both!
To you from me.
.......... .uoeeWWeeeu.
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Please sing to the tune of the Macarena.....enjoy
yourselves!!!!
The Masturbata
(sung to tune of the Macaraena) by Adam Sandler
Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!!
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good
advicea.
HeyMasturbata!!
I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its
beena
Hey Masturbata!!
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other's on my meata.
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the
seata.
Hey Masturbata!!
Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata,
choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata.
I've looked at Ms. November now I'n gonna decorate her.
Hey Masturbata!!
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga.
Hey Masturbata!!
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The Marv Albert Song
Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")
Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man|"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town|"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear|
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_------_
/
\ DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer
J. Simpson.
|
|
|
| *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
| __ __)
| / \/ \
DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
/\/\ (o )o )
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
/c \__/ --.
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
(
) FAR..... a long way to get beer...
\_ _-------'
SO...... I'll have another beer...
| /
\ LA...... I'll have another beer...
| | '\_______)
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
| \_____)
That will bring us back to...
|____ |
(Looks into an empty glass)
|_____/\/\
/
\ D'OH!
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A is the Artful word he uses.
B is the Blush as she gently refuses.
C is the Creep of his hand up her legs.
D is the Don't as she pleadingly begs.
E is the Excitement as his hand goes higher.
F is the Feeling of ticklish desire.
G is the Gasp as her quim, he touches.
H is the Helplessness she feels in his clutches.
I is the Itching which makes her feel hot.
J is the Jump as the spot,he touches.
K is the Kiss with which she rewards him.
L is the Love which she now feels towards him.
M is the Move which they make for the bed.
N is the Nice way her legs are outspread.
O is the Opening now fully revealed.
P is the Pen with nib fully pealed.
Q is the Queerness she feels when it is in.
R is the Rubbing that's now to begin.
S is the Strokes getting stronger and stronger.
T is the Tickling she wishes would last longer.
U is the Unction now freely flowing.
V is the Vigour with which they are moving.
W is the Wish that he would do it again.
X is the Xtent of the pleasure they gain.
Y is the Yearning that makes her feel sick.
Z is the Zambuk he rubs on his prick.
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Romance
He put his hand around my neck,
So that I could not scream.
He brought me up to his room,
So we would not be seen.
He took off all my wrappings,
And gazed upon my form.
As I stood cold and shivering,
He stood there hot and warm.
He touched me with his feverish lips,
And placed me on my rear.
He made me what I am today,
An empty bottle of beer.
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A MEMBER OF THE HANGDOWN CLUB
My nookie day are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is just my water spout.
I used to be embarrassed
To make the thing behave
For every single morning
It used to watch me shave.
But now I'm getting older
It sure gives me the blues
To see the thing hang down my leg
And watch me shine my shoes.
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Twas the night before Christmas
(Profanity warning!!!)
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook, or by crook.
Mamma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn then arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and mamma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back and shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd build,
Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the shed,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig, or I'll cut off your nuts."
"Look out for the lamp post, don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking this sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out, and threw up on the shrub.
And then from the roof, we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer, now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay a while."
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung, nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pairs of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs Santa will shit,
So I'll leave "em here, and then I'll have to split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Then he fell on his ass, and broke wind instead.
In time he seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been
a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone, when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out !
! "
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