Ever After (1998, PG-13)

As Reviewed by James Brundage

I guess its women’s lib… and now that I’ve gone and said that, all the women liberals I know will hunt me down and kill me, so this may be my final review. I guess its women’s lib that’s made this new version of Cinderella, and I guess its women’s lib that decided to put America’s sweetheart who’s only good-roles-was-getting-hacked-in-Scream and rubbing noses with aliens. And I’d also guess its women’s lib that tried to make all under the Hollywood blanket of pop-culture while retaining a complete stranglehold on all of the balance that SHOULD be in the film. And it makes sense that it’d be women’s lib: after all, women are they’re audience.

Yes, it’s the latest trite little chick flick to hit the screen, set 500 years in the past yet still having a female main character who gets to overshadow everybody, say all the good lines, give all the coy smiles, deliver the punchlines, and endear herself to the audience of women who are nestling their heads in the nearest barely awake man. Thus is my MOVIE WARNING : DO NOT BE ALARMED IF YOU HEAR SNORES DURING THE COURSE OF THIS FILM.

Although it clocks in at about 2 hours, it feels like 6. The story itself takes a fairy tale that was bearable and makes it unbearable, drawing it out further and further like a little hair before PLUCK it snaps, taking your mind along with it. The fairy tale we all know: Cinderella. The twist we all know : a Cinderella that can hit a moving target with an apple at ten years, expertly fence, read classics, give a mean left hook and still have time to check for dirt underneath her nails.

Girl’s you have your little hero-girl of the month to look up to. Guys be warned, this is a chick flick, bring your walkman, tune to the latest Pirates game, sit back, close your eyes, and go to sleep. But guys, don’t forget your batterries.