John Carpenter's Vampires (1998, R)

As Reviewed by James Brundage

I'm a child of the 80s. I like my horror movies, and I like them cheesy. They're not scary to me, they're excuses to get a little closer with my girlfriend, they're ways to enjoy sick comedy in the theatre while the idiot girl's getting gutted. They're my reminder that fiction is more fun than fact. I like them quick, I like them gory, and I like them campy. All of those adjectives are words you can tack on to John Carpenter's Vampires.

Now anyone who has read my review on Halloween will know that I hold this man in no reverence. To be honest, I pretty much hate the bastard. But, I do admit his prowess behind the camera and his ability to scare, although not his creative ability. But this time, he didn't pen the screenplay, so I'm happy. I don't hate his style, I hate his original material. After all, has anyone seen Jim Carrey or Pauly Shore's standup? It sucks. Are they funny people, yes.

In Vampires the Roman Catholic Church has gone beyond garlic and crosses and exorcisms as a way of fighting evil, it's headed into the dark and dismal hiring of a gun-ho team of slayers to kill the bloodsuckers. I suppose it had to be coming, after all, they are an infestation and the Catholic Church has to do something about it. Of course the people doing the slaying are more sinners than saints, but that makes 'em all the more fun to watch. We have James Woods (Contact) heading up the team with the fourth Baldwin, namely Daniel (Born on the Fourth of July in a bit role as a vet), who spend they're days smoking cigarettes, watching Kaptain Kangaroo, and kicking the shit out of vampires. Of course, vampire Master Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith) kills all of the slaying team except for Jimmy and Danny, and only bites Sheryl Lee (Twin Peaks) (but he's biting her on the inner thigh, hell, I'd do that).

So, while Little Ms. Wrapped In Plastic is growing fangs they use a telepathic link to track the Master Vampire down, hopefully before he can get a cross that would let him walk in daylight. But, about him walking in daylight, I wouldn't be too worried: you'd spot him a mile away.

It's got blood, it's got guts, it's got campfire humor and sinful psychosis. It's only a matter of time before it's declared a sacrilege. So did I like it? Do ya really have to ask?