Varsity Blues (1999, R)Varsity Blues (1999, R)
Directed by Brian Robbins (Good Burger)
Written by W. Peter Illf (Patriot Games)
Starring James Van Der Beek (Angus), Jon Voight (Anaconda), and Paul Walker (She's All That)
As Reviewed by James Brundage
Why do people do such stupid things? Why do we marry people we hate, divorce people we like, and, above all, why the hell would MTV want to try to be dramatic?
Yes, you heard my right, Music Television Productions has decided all of a sudden that there is something serious about gangster rap and N'Sync and Backstreet Boys and all of these other bubble-gum teeny-boppers-wanna-screw-'em bands. It's bad enough that they degraded the once moderately intelligent real world into a cheap soap opera, but, come on, do they have to make football dramatic?
Well, I guess someone thought they did, because someone set down to creating the cheapest possible storyline about a team trying to win their 23rd Division Championships. And of course the team is helmed by the coach from hell, played by Jon Voight, displaying all of the collective charm of Adolph Hitler (we he quiets the audience in the beginning, I swore to God that he would say "Se Keil").
Of course they decided to helm the actual cast of the movie with James Van Der Beek, teen idol and girls' drool tool from "Dawson's Creek". And he plays the same moderately innocent idealistic youth. In Varsity Blues, being a writer is all he wants and he spends his time reading Kurt Vonnegut. In "Dawson's Creek", all he wants is to be a director and he spends his time watching Spielburg.
As far as storyline goes, there really isn't one. There really isn't a plot or a point, either. But I forgot to tell you: If you're more of a football fan than a moviegoer, by all means, enjoy the mainstream crap that Paramount decided to dish out. I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming them.
As more of a movie critic than a football fan, I can say that the only thing about Varsity Blues that I actually enjoyed were the moderately well-directed football games. If they filmed football like that on TV, damn right I'd be sitting there every Sunday Afternoon and Monday Night.
But it isn't and I'm not. Varsity Blues isn't enjoyable to the non-football fan. It doesn't even much deliver on the promise of nothing but "sex and football". On the James Brundage how-much-did-they-unnecessarily-screw meter, it scored a 1 out of 10.
I'm not telling you not to see it due to a lack of redeeming value. God knows I love action movies like True Lies and Blade that couldn't care less about message. But, for Christ's sake, why do I have to watch a one hour, forty minute pseudodrama about a sport that should stay on the field and off the movie set.
I don't know why people do such stupid things. I can't offer any answers, only advice. And the advice I offer you is direct, simple, and to the point. Don't do another stupid thing by paying anything to see "Varsity Blues".
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