This morning I woke up to my sister holding a bottle of fat-free salad dressing in front of my face, and with a huge grin on hers. The only remotely interesting thing I could see about the dressing was those tiny bits of herbs floating around inside the bottle, enjoying the morning sun. I knew from experience that I was at this point expected to start doing cartwheels and preferably burst into song over the (exciting) fact that the bottle had the words "fat free" written in bold letters on the label.

Oh how those words excite my sister! She has become obsessed with reading those little "nutritional information" tables on product labels. I am beginning to suspect that this is the only literature she has laid eyes upon for months. She no longer goes to the library. Why do that, if there's plenty of great reading material in the local supermarket? For those who are not familiar with the procedure, I will provide a detailed step-by-step description so you can experience the joy for yourself on your next late-night shopping expedition.

Warning: this exercise can become addictive. For children aged 15 parental guidance is recommended. The author of this article assumes no responsibility for any unexpected consequences. Try this at your own risk.

Now that I got the disclaimer out of the way, here's what you do:

Step One: Pick up product. Note that this has to be an expensive-looking product. None of that inferior no-name stuff!

Step Two: A quick glance should be enough to reveal any large "Diet", "Low Fat" or "Fat Free" signs. If the label does not display such a sign in large enough letters, it is obviously of inferior quality and they're trying to cheat you out of your money. In this case you must make a disgusted face so that the rest of the customers realise how offended you are. Put the product back on the shelf, but make sure you make it clear to anyone who happens to be looking on that the proper place for this product is in the rubbish bin. If the product does present itself appropriately however, you may now move on to the next step.

Step Three: Stare at the product intently in an attempt to discern the location of the nutritional information table. Once located, the table must be carefully perused. Take note of the fat content. If the number is larger than 0.1, you must then recoil in horror and drop it to the floor as if you've just been burned by the contact of your sensitive skin with this...- this...- odious thing! Make as much fuss as possible. You will not tolerate being lied to. The front label clearly states that this is supposed to be a Diet Lite product. How dare they! Act insulted.

Step Four: If, however, the number is 0.1 or under, the product is worthy of being safely deposited into your shopping cart. Remember, it deserves love and respect, so place it down carefully, and do not insult it by letting its delicate sides come into contact with anything that isn't worthy, like household bleach or toilet paper. This is the royalty of all products. It is Fat Free! It is acceptable to do a little victory dance in honor of your newfound best friend, the other customers will understand.

Yes, this is the rigorous procedure my sister must go through every time she enters the supermarket. Is it any surprise then, that she has so much appreciation for the Fat-Free things in life? So, being forced to comply with the wishes of an obsessive sister and watch the nutritional value in everything I eat, there is only one thing I can do...- Just pretend that the "99% fat free" on the label refers to the fact that I only had to pay for one per cent of the delicious fat in this breakfast cereal. The other 99% was free.