[NOTE: Just before Natalie came on there was a gag where Andy Richter ripped the head off of a dummy of Larry King, as revenge for the previous night's appearance by King. This explains some of the bizarre references in the transcript.]

Conan O'Brien: ...Alright, ladies and gentlemen, at thirteen years old my first guest tonight is starring in "The Professional". It's a great film, take a look at this clip.

[The "You mean you're a hit man? Cool!" scene is shown]

CO: Folks, please welcome Natalie Portman!

[The Max Weinberg Seven starts playing "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" as Natalie comes bouncing out smiling and waving]

CO: Wow! That is some entrance you just made.

NP: Oh, thank you. I'm pumped.

CO: Not many guests come out skipping and waving.

NP: Oh, sorry. [smiling]

Andy Richter: Actually, Larry King.

CO: Yeah, Larry King entered like that. He did the same thing.

NP: Before he lost his head.

CO: That's right. Look out for Andy tonight, he just rips guest's heads off. It's very ugly--don't turn your back on him.

NP: [Holds onto her head with both hands while looking at Andy and laughing]

CO: Congratulations on the film.

NP: Thank you.

CO: Thirteen years old--that's pretty impressive.

NP: Thank you very much.

CO: Actually it looked kind of fun because you get to shoot a lot of guns in this movie. Is that fun?

NP: I don't know if you would call it fun but it's ...

CO: When I was thirteen and someone said we'll pay you, we'll give you a bunch of really expensive guns to run around and shoot it would sound really fun to me.

NP: [laughs] Well, the guns, they're not real guns, they're just fake guns.

CO: Well I would hope so, yeah.

NP: And they have these fake bullets and then they come out when you shoot it, they come out the side and there's flash of fire that comes out the front [demonstrates with her hands] and they're really heavy and they look like guns...

CO: I think they're real guns.

NP: [laughs] No, they look...

CO: And they kill people, they're incredible.

NP: No, no. [laughs]

CO: But they're very sophisticated.

NP: I'm very good with guns.

CO: You are? Well alright! High-five!

NP: [Conan and Natalie exchange a high-five] Yes! [After the high five Natalie quickly looks to the side toward Andy like she's worried he might attack her. She's playing along with their 'Andy might be a psycho' gag. This cracks everybody up.]

CO: Andy was just reaching for your head and then he backed off.

AR: [Andy reaches for Natalie with both hands] Guns! Arrghh! [Backs off like he's suddenly afraid.]

CO: So, but you had fun making the movie, you actually smoke in the movie too.

NP: That was just fake cigarettes, they had like menthol cigarettes. I just put it to my lips [demonstrating] and they're like 'cut' because I don't like smoking. I made Jean Reno quit.

CO: You make him smoke the fake ones now?

NP: [laughs] No, I make him smoke nothing.

CO: How'd you get him to do that, that's really hard to get people to quit smoking.

NP: I told him it was disgusting [laughs] and just told him it's not safe for people around him and it's not safe for him.

CO: Right, and you should have said I'm gonna walk off the movie unless you stop.

NP:[laughs] No, no, I got him to quit after the movie, cause it's just too much stress you know.

CO: He's actually a scary looking guy. He's the guy we just saw in the clip.

NP: He's not scary, he's not scary at all.

CO: He's not scary at all? What's he like?

NP: He's really nice and I like being around him because you know he used to smell like cigar smoke and coffee mixed together and it's like a really cozy smell [laughs].

CO: So you like that but then you made him quit, that's a very confusing mixed message you're sending him. I love that cozy smell but quit smoking--I hate it.

NP: [laughs] No, see it smells good but it makes him...you know...it's not good for his kids, it's not good for him to smoke around his kids.

CO: Right, it's just not a good thing at all. We were getting a lot of money from the smoking lobby until you came on and ruined the whole thing, now we're through.

NP: I'm sorry. [laughs]

CO: So you got to make this movie, you're thirteen years old and they shot it in France, right.

NP: France, it was really great.

CO: So did you get to miss any school to do this?

NP: I got to miss like the last two weeks of school but...

CO: Two weeks?

NP: Cause we did it in the summer.

CO: Oh, what a rip-off.

NP: [laughs] But I had to make it all up. I had a tutor and stuff.

CO: Oh really, you had to make it up, they had one of those tutors. So how did you like France?

NP: It was really, really great. And the people were like really nice and I was really confused because everyone said the people were so mean and the food is really good, and I didn't like the food because I'm a vegetarian, and everything's like rabbits and frogs and ... [grimaces]

CO: Right, and they don't even cook them. They just have...everyone just has a rabbit and they're just biting into it. [bites into an imaginary rabbit]

NP: Well, actually they have really raw steak.

CO: Raw steak, that's a big thing over there.

NP: And it's not nice looking. It's like chopped hamburger meat, it's really disgusting and people just eat it.

AR: Wait a minute, smoking's bad, raw steak is no good, you're crazy!

NP: [laughs]

CO: You've lost your mind.

NP: Oh, I'm sorry. At least I won't lose my head. [laughs]

AR: They're two of my favorite things. Smoking and raw steak and I'm set for the day.

CO: Andy always has a cigarette in one hand and a rabbit in the other and he's just...

NP: And Larry King's head between his legs. [laughs]

[At this point Andy's jaw drops and he looks like he's going into shock, he starts laughing and the audience is going wild. Conan meanwhile is just staring straight into the camera like he can't believe what he just heard.]

CO: Well! Tell you something, Natalie, you just got Andy into the National Enquirer!

AR: Step aside, Marlon.

CO: We've been trying for a long time to get him in there, one fell swoop and you did it.

NP: [laughs, but I don't think she understands why her comments are gettting such a huge reaction]

[After things settle down Conan resumes the interview]

CO: So, how's school going for you, you're still in school.

NP: It's really great. I have so much work right now, we have all these reports and we have Regents at the end of the year, and it's so...

CO: Couldn't you get your agent involved and say hey look...

NP: No, I really need... [looks into the camera puts her hands together and pleads] Right now I'd like to send a message to my teacher, my social studies teacher. Please can I have an extension! I really need an extension cause I had to come here, I had to work over the weekend, I have this big report due and I'm just dying!

CO: Uh-huh, you just want an extension very badly, did you tell her to watch the show tonight?

NP: Him, Mr. Stein. [gives a big smile and waves to the camera]

CO: Oh, Mr. Stein, well when is this thing due, what is it exactly?

NP: It's a social studies report. We had to choose a topic from our chapter and I chose women reformers during the Gilded Age.

CO: [Conan puts a hand to his head like he's getting a headache] I'm thirty-one and I couldn't write that.

NP: Well you research it obviously [laughs] and ah...

CO: To me that always just meant going to the Encyclopedia Britannica and like tracing over Gilded Age. The teacher would say this has been traced you actually included the photograph from the Encyclopedia Britannica you idiot!

NP: [laughs]

CO: So you want an extension. Is this actually a paper that Andy and I could help you write maybe?

NP: Do you know anything about Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Ida M. Tarbell..

CO: That's actually Max's area, everybody on the show specializes in a different field. Max's is women of the Gilded... is it Gilded?

NP: Gilded Age. [laughs]

CO: Thank you, the horn section handles the Reform Movement in the early nineteen-twenties, Andy studies the distilleries of the eighteen-fifties.

NP: Whiskey Ring.

CO: And I supervise everyone else. I was really good in gym. So ah...I was incredible.

NP: [laughs]

CO: So school's going ok? I heard there was an outbreak of some kind.

NP: Yeah, we had an epidemic of stomach viruses and like fifteen people got this stomach virus where they would throw up every ten minutes.

CO: But all at the same second?

NP: Yeah, yeah.

CO: Incredible, it knocked down a wall I understand.

NP: And I didn't get it because I was doing a job. I was doing British...British...no, not British, Italian Vogue and so I missed it.

CO: Which one, British or Italian? It's important to know! [pounds the desk with his hand]

NP: Italian! I'm sorry. [laughs]

CO: So that's nice actually that you can...you model too?

NP: No, it's promotional for the movie.

CO: Okay, wow, oh, that's really great. So you got to miss the vomiting.

NP: I missed the vomiting yes. [laughs]

CO: Good for you Natalie, you got a keen sense of timing--you missed the right thing.

NP: Thank you.

CO: Well, this is exciting for you, what's your next project then?

NP: I don't know...school.

CO: We'll get you out of that, leave it to me and Andy.

NP: [laughs]

CO: I should mention "The Professional" is out now, it's everywhere. People can see this...

NP: Right, everywhere.

CO: Is it strange for you to see yourself on TV like that?

NP: Yeah, like I'm flipping the channels trying to see something and you know like ugh, it's me and I change it. [laughs]

CO: Healthy self image.

NP: [laughs]

CO: Alright, well Natalie it was very nice meeting you...

NP: It was nice meeting you, too.

CO: You're a very nice person, it was good to have you here--thanks for coming.

NP: Thank you.

CO: That was Natalie Portman!