Jay Leno: ....one of Hollywood's most talented young actresses, she's currently starring in the film Beautiful Girls, please welcome Natalie Portman.

[Natalie walks out and shakes hands with first guest Troy Aikman, looking very tiny next to him, and then sits down.]

JL: Did you meet Troy?

NP: Not before the show.

JL: Ahh, not before the show.

NP: [pretends to squirm in her seat] Umm, this seat is really uncomfortable.

JL: It is?

NP: Could I sit in your seat?

JL: Sure.

NP: Could I?

JL: Uhh...all right. You can sit in my seat.

NP: Thank you.

JL: All right, sit in my seat.

[They switch chairs: Natalie sits behind the desk and Leno sits next to Aikman. Jay doesn't look very happy about it.]

NP: Whoo! [She spins in her seat and then starts awkwardly pretending that she's the host interviewing Leno.] Umm, what's it like being a talk show host?

JL: Uhh, pretty slow.

NP: I'm having fun though.

JL: Oh, you're having fun?

NP: That's cuz you're not being very responsive.

JL: Now you know how hard my job is exactly.

NP: I'm sorry...I'm sorry.

JL: Now where do you live? You grew up where?

NP: Umm, I grew up--I grew up all over the place. I was born in Israel and then I moved...

JL: Oh, you were born in Israel?

NP: Yeah. And then I moved to Maryland and Connecticut, and now I live in New York.

JL: So, so, you're in, are you, are you cutting school to be here now?

NP: No, this is President's Week!

JL: You get the...

NP: Who's your favorite president?

JL: Oh, that would have to be Polk.

NP: Okay.

JL: Now let me ask you, you get the whole week off? When I was in school, we got the day off. You get the whole week for President's...

NP: Yeah, we get the whole week.

JL: Really??

NP: Yeah, our teachers don't like us.

JL: Where do you go to school?

NP: [hesitates before answering, then turns to the audience] NO STALKERS PLEASE! [laughs]

JL: Do you go to private school or regular school?

NP: I go to regular school. I go to public school.

JL: Oh, uh, that's kinda fun.

NP: You went to public school, right?

JL: Yes I did. Yes I did. There were some mix-ups with my grades, but yes I did go to...

NP: [laughs]

JL: It was a slight problem...do you have pets?

NP: Yeah, I have a dog. Noodles. But she always like...she's kinda tough because like...she has all these operations, she's had all these weird operations.

JL: What, cosmetic surgery?

NP: No, well...when we first got her, you know we had to get her spayed, and then she went outside and she was playing and she sat down on the grass and she got a thorn in her butt so we had to get that removed.

JL: Oh, believe me, I've had that in mine before and, man--I have had one for...

NP: And then she--y'know, on rainy days she likes to eat slugs.

JL: She eats slugs?

NP: Yeah, and so she went out and ate slugs and her mouth got glued shut! And so we had to get it, like, opened.

JL: Is this animal still ALIVE?

NP: Yeah. And then she got her anal glands removed. [The audience reacts and Natalie laughs and makes a face.] Because--okay, see she marks...she's part schnauzer and schnauzers mark their territory.

JL: Mark their territory.

NP: And so she started marking US, because she thought, y'know, WE were her territory, and it's this really bad smell. So umm we had to get the anal glands removed.

JL: And what did you do with them?

NP: Well, they still have them in the little glass jar in the animal hospital.

JL: Oh. [sarcastically] That's a fascinating story.

NP: Do you have a pet?

JL: Uhh, I have a, I have some anal glands from some animals...but yes I have a cat, actually my wife has a cat.

NP: Really.

JL: It's a lovely cat. Now how do you do in school? Do you do well?

NP: Yes, I do very well.

JL: Do you do good in school? Really?

NP: Are you surprised?

JL: No no, it's just when you get weeks off...

NP: Do I strike you as a stupid person?

JL: NO NO! Not at all. You strike me as a very bright, intelligent woman.

NP: Thank you!

JL: How 'bout your folks? What does your dad do?

NP: My dad's an infertility specialist.

JL: Oh, is that right?

NP: Yeah.

JL: Well, he couldn't be that good, you're here.

NP: [pretends to laugh at this lame joke]

JL: Well that's kind of fun, that's kind of a neat job, I mean so, like, when you would go to school and people say what do your parents do, I guess you would say he's an infertility specialist.

NP: Yeah, I say he gets people pregnant. What do your kids say when they go to school? Do you have kids?

JL: Uhh I don't have any kids.

NP: You don't?

JL: I am an infertility specialist myself. In fact, I'm doing pretty good.

NP: So umm, so Troy...

JL: I like being a guest. Now, are you a football fan?

NP: Umm I ha...I can't say that I am. I'm sorry.

JL: Did you know who he was before he got here?

NP: [cringes, embarrassed] I'm sorry! [The audience starts to boo her. Aikman stares off into space.] The rest of the world...the rest of the world...

JL: Don't like the job so much now, huh? Oh, when the audience turns on ya, oh boy. So, are you a big sports fan? Do you like--are there sports that you like? [Natalie says something negative] Not much of a sports fan? Well, that's okay, there's nothing wrong with that. Any boyfriends?

NP: Um...you? [laughs]

JL: Now I AM going to jail. Are there other actors, like what actors do you like? Who do you like? What, uhh, any young actors? Not necessarily boyfriends, but uh what young actors? Who would you like to work with? Like a young actor.

NP: Wow...umm, I'd love to work with John Turturro.

JL: John Turturro? Yeah he's...

NP: He's great. And Ben Kingsley.

JL: Ben Kingsley?

NP: Yeah. And I don't know who else.

JL: Any younger guys like, uhh, DiCaprio? What's his name?

NP: Leonardo DiCaprio?

JL: Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio.

NP: [with a complete lack of enthusiasm] He's good.

JL: He's good. Well, how did you get discovered exactly? I mean, you were going to school, did you...

NP: Umm, I was on the Jerry Springer show and it was like kids with weird talents.

JL: Oh that's right--people who have their animals' anal glands removed.

NP: And there was an agent in the audience and she just saw me.

JL: You were on the Jerry Springer show?

NP: NO! You're so gullible!

JL: Well, this is how old guys get in trouble with young girls. Isn't it just terrible but any...d'you...[to camera] We'll be back--[to Natalie] Do you like Green Day?

NP: [By this point Natalie is writing something on a piece of paper, and barely looks up to respond.] Yeah, they're great.

JL: And you're very convincing! We'll be right back with Green Day right after this. Natalie Portman! Thank you, Natalie.