Burked

Catherine: Who is this?
Brass: It's Braun's squeeze. She's an ex-stripper too. Perhaps you two met in a professional capacity.

Grissom: Would you mind if I took a picture for my bite collection?
Walt Braun: Whatever rubs your Buddha.

Grissom: It's been 24 minutes, Greg. When is this thing going to be done?
Greg: Well, with all due respect sir, it's not a baked potato. Did I ever tell you I used to live in New York?
Grissom: Is this going to be a short story or a novel?

Grissom: Did you try this coffee?
Nick: Mm-mm.
Grissom: The last cup I had tasted like motor oil.

Catherine: Hey, Sam ... you still got me.
Sam Braun: You know, I should've married your mother.
Catherine: Well, considering I was six months old when you guys lit the flame... a lot of time has passed. You had plenty of chances.
Sam Braun: Just wasn't in the cards, Catherine. It just wasn't in the cards.

Sam Braun: I remember the first time I saw you. You didn't have any clothes on.
Catherine: Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.
Sam Braun: I would've taken you home right then if I could have.
Catherine: I know, but you were married and I was a baby. It would've never worked!

Chaos Theory

Grissom: We told them what happened.
Catherine: Yeah. But we didn't give them what they needed... closure.
Grissom: Truth brings closure.
Catherine: Not always.

Catherine: No one can predict more than a few seconds into the future.
Nick: I can predict one minute from now I'll still be standing here. *they finish talking and they all start to walk out under a minute*
Warrick: Nice try, Nostradamus.

Warrick: Where you been?
Grissom: I can't be everywhere, Warrick and they've banned human cloning.

Grissom to Greg: Are we paying you by the word?

Grissom: You showered.
Catherine: Thanks for noticing Gil, you're very observant.
Grissom: Yeah? Well... I can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like? *he's in her way*
Catherine: A five-foot-eleven workaholic.

Sara: Five Hundred Dollars. That's huge money at her age if you actually get it. That's a big college racket, like buying books back.
Grissom: Why would anyone want to sell their books?

Grissom: You know, when a tree falls in the forest even if no one's there to hear it, it does, in fact, make a sound.

Grissom: Well, you followed the lead, it went cold. Now it's hot again.

Overload

Grissom: Man versus Gravity. Man lost.

Grissom: Suicide, huh? I don't know, Brian. On the day you decide to end your life, why would you go to work?

Sheriff: What happened to good old dusting for prints.
Grissom: When your crime scene is 12 stories up I don't want to take any chances.

Warrick: Hey, Griss. I think I can speak for both of us when I say I'm sorry that we let you down.
Sara: We quit before we should have.
Grissom: Yeah, you did.

Catherine: What's the matter with you?
Nick: I'm on a case.
Catherine: We're on a case.
Nick: Right...

Greg: Cheese, milk, sweaters. What do these things have in common?
Catherine: Goat cheese, goat milk.
Nick: Goat sweaters?
Catherine: Angora.
Greg: Ding, ding, ding.

*Grissom experimenting with electricity on a pickle*
Sara: You turned my pickle into a lightbulb!

Sara: Yeah, but we always go back to the body. The body tells a story and in this case, the body says there was no crime and you're not listening. Why?
Grissom: Every now and then, we have to break the rules. Start with a conclusion and work our way backwards.
Sara: Like, for instance, when we don't agree with the coroner's report?
Grissom: Like, for instance... in the 1800s, when surgery was Russian roulette and patients were dying on the tables.

Catherine: You're racing me, Nick. We're driving the same car. Nick! Nick, I'll have you removed from the case. You're confronting suspects before the evidence is processed. You're flying solo, cutting me out. What's going on?
Nick: Okay. There are some people you're supposed to be able to trust, you know? I was nine and she was a last-minute baby-sitter. All I can remember doing afterwards is sitting in my room in the dark, staring at the door waiting for my mom to get home, but I've never told anyone before.
Catherine: I'm sorry.
Nick: It's what makes a person, I guess.

Bully for You

Grissom: Brass. Brass.
Principal: Excuse me one of my students is dead. Are we interrupting you?
Grissom: Yeah. A little.

David: From the sound of it, I'd say he's been dead about two months.
Sara: Sound?
*David shakes the bag, liquid sloshes around inside it*

Sara: So what were you in high school, Nick?
Nick: Me? I was... dependable.
Catherine: Dependable?
Warrick: He's trying to say he was unpopular.

Nick: I was popular with the right people, I can tell you that. I can also tell you what I wasn't. I wasn't a mac daddy wannabe with a Members Only jacket, putting his swerve on all the ladies.

Warrick: So were you a jock or a brain?
Grissom: I was a ghost.

Catherine: So that leaves you, Warrick. What were you?
Warrick: Oh, I was short, I had big feet, thick glasses.
Catherine: You?
Warrick: Yeah. I got pushed around by all the guys and never got any play from the girls.
Catherine: The girls didn't even notice your eyes?
Warrick: No, they used to tease me about my eyes. Called me names.
Catherine: Aww, well, what do they know? They're your best feature.

Greg: *walks by and smells Sara* You smell like death.
Sara: I've heard.
Greg: You know... a real man wouldn't mind.

Scuba Doobie-Doo

Catherine: Hey, coffee boy. Where's my DNA? Cigarette butt? Match book time-delay device? Hair spray? Any of this sound familiar?
Greg: Bags under the eyes, coffee cups, stress face. Any of this look familiar? I'm working on it.
Catherine: Did Grissom put his stuff in front of mine?
Greg: No. I'm working on your case -- with Nick.

Nick: Hey, leggo my Greggo!

Sara: You okay?
Grissom: Ninety-five.
Sara: Excuse me?
Grissom: Normally my pulse is seventy, when it gets up to ninety-five, I realize just how mad I am. I- I have ten people working around the clock on this thing.
Sara: You're too hard on yourself.
Grissom: No, no. I'm not mad at me. There's a body in there and that guy knows where it is!
Sara: So what's your pulse at now? You wanna... take a walk around the block? Get some air.
Grissom: No.
Sara: Clear your head.
Grissom: I'm fine.
Sara: Okay. *touches his cheek, he looks surprised* Chalk... from plaster. Grissom: *rubs his face* Oh.
Sara: Better go wash up.

Alter Boys

David: I hate when you CSI guys get territorial.
Catherine: Yeah well the victim's family hate it when we don't.

Grissom: We both have jobs that begin after the crime.
Father Powell: After the sin.

Father Powell: You don't believe?
Grissom: In religion. I believe in God, in science, in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live.
Father Powell: Even if they're handed down by God?
Grissom: How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion?
Father Powell: Fanaticism, not religion.
Grissom: Semantics. They're still dead.

Caged

*Sara is holding a dog she found at the crime scene*
Brass: That's not yours, is it?
Sara: I'm collecting evidence.

Grissom: Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right brain abilities.
Nick: Kind of sounds like you.

Brass: Question is: Why did the SUV cross the tracks?
Catherine: To get to the other side.

Slaves of Las Vegas

Catherine to Grissom: Why do men always make everything look so tough?

Greg: You know what a "switch" is?
Grissom: Someone who's dominant as well as submissive.
Greg: Oh, he's even got the lingo down.
Grissom: If Mona's DNA is in one of these masks, then she was the submissive on the night she died.
Greg: You're so dialed into this case, I'll bet you don't need me to tell you which mask had her DNA.
Grissom: Yes, I do, Greg. I also need to know which straw she used.
*Greg turns around with two sharpie pens in his nose*
Catherine: Oh, nice. Mmm. Yeah, that's the idea, Greg. Two straws per mask.
Greg: You can't get any air through pens.
Catherine: And not much more through straws.
Grissom: And even less if someone's fingers are on the other end.
Greg: I found the victim's DNA on this mask and...these two straws. Red mark: Victim; blue mark:...
Grissom: Our killer. Now we just need a suspect.

Lady Heather: Does all this fascinate you?
Grissom: Yes. I find all deviant behavior fascinating in that to understand our human nature we have to understand our aberrations.
Lady Heather: And you think what goes on here is aberrant?
Grissom: I would say that whip marks and ligature contusions on a young woman are aberrant. Wouldn't you?
Lady Heather: Every job has it's peculiar hazards. Rock stars damage their ear drums. Football players ruin their knees. In this business, it's scars. But no one who works for me has ever sustained a serious injury.
Grissom: Mona did. She died.
Lady Heather: Not because she worked here that's your assumption. What happens here isn't about violence. It's about challenging preconceived notions of victorian normalcy. Bringing people's fantasies to life. Making them real and acceptable.
Grissom: Like the theatre.
Lady Heather: It's people who don't come to places like this that I worry about. The ones who don't have an outlet. Say...someone like yourself.
Grissom: Oh, I have outlets. I read. I study bugs. I sometimes even ride roller coasters.
Lady Heather: And your sex life?
Grissom: It doesn't involve going to the theatre.
Lady Heather: In my experience, Mr. Grissom, some men go to the theater...some men are the theater. Either way, what I offer is a chance for submission or control, whichever's required. Sometimes a client doesn't know what he wants until I show him.

Lady Heather: Go ahead, ask. "How can I do this for a living?"
Catherine: Oh, that's not what I was thinking. How much does this place clear a week?
Lady Heather: Ten grand.
Catherine: I'm not with the IRS.
Lady Heather: Okay. Twenty.
Catherine: I don't make that in three months.

Lady Heather: Like I told my daughter...
Catherine: You got a daughter?
Lady Heather: Eighteen this month; freshman at Harvard.
Catherine: Really? Mine's seven.
Lady Heather: Oh, that's a great age.
Catherine: Yeah.
Lady Heather: When I thought Zoe was ready to hear it, I told her, "Honey, there are a lot of things you can give a man -- your body, your time, even your heart. But the one thing you can never, ever, ever let go of is your power."
Catherine: All my mother ever said to me was "Cash up front."
Lady Heather: Don't take this the wrong way but I think you've got everything it takes to make a great Dominatrix.
Catherine: I take that as a compliment.

Lady Heather: I've never lost one of my girls.
Grissom: Well, you don't seem too upset about it.
Lady Heather: What you see and what I feel are two different things.
Brass: Really? Were there any disturbances last night? Did you hear screams?
Lady Heather: It's when I don't hear screams that I start to worry.

Lady Heather: Let me guess-- three police officers looking for respite from having to control and dominate our big, bad city?
Brass: Close-- one police officer, two criminalists. May we come in?

Sara: I understand you're upset...
Carla Delgado: Upset? Lady, upset is for white people. I'm pissed off.

Grissom: Have you ever seen either of these two people?
Lady Heather: Not the wife, but I have seen the husband.
Grissom: I didn't say they were married.
Lady Heather: It's obvious. Look at the way he's clenching her hand with both of his and leaning toward her. And see how she's twisting away presenting herself to the wealthy alpha male? She's insensitive; he insecure. That's a setup for matrimony, not passion. She wants the dominant male to choose her so she can stop being dominant.
Grissom: You're very good. You could work for me.
Lady Heather: You want to be my boss?
Grissom: You never know. We both might learn something.
Lady Heather: Oh, I'm sure of that.

Catherine to Nick: There's one thing you learn on this job is that human beings are capable of anything.

Grissom: To get to the evidence, we may have to destroy the evidence.
Catherine: Do you get these haikus out of a book, or do they just come to you?

And Then There Were None

Catherine: The town just lost 5% of the population.
Sara: I thought you said that this was a single homcide.
Catherine: Yeah in a population of 20 people.

Sara: Do you have a mirror?
Catherine: Since when do you care about your appearance? *Sara scoffs* I mean at a crime scene.

Grissom: Dressed as a woman among men dressed as women. Now, see? That's a disguise.

Greg to Grissom: What don't you know?

Grissom: A Harvard professor conducted an experiment. Asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game - count the number of times the ball was passed.
Brass: Yeah? Groundbreaking.
Grissom: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterward, the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "what gorilla?"
Brass: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

Catherine: She didn't put up a fight, did she?
Dr. Robbins: How'd you know?
Catherine: She was killed by the one person in life she trusted.

Ellie

Warrick: Acting supervisor? What about Nick? He's got seniority. Or Sara? She'd jump at the chance.
Grissom: If it was about seniority, I'd ask Nick. If I wanted someone to stay up for three straight days, I'd ask Sara. Instead, I want you.

Warrick: The job is fine. It's the other stuff -- the personalities.
Grissom: I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
Warrick: Is that Einstein?
Grissom: Linus.
Warrick: Charlie Brown. Figures.

Organ Grinder

Grissom: Why do they think they can fool us?
Grissom: Mr. Fairmont was staying in Murder Central.
Catherine: Mmm.
Nick: Murder Central?
Sara: You never heard that phrase?
Nick: Well, if I did, would I have asked the question?

Grissom: Sara... look... I know this isn't news to you but sometimes science isn't enough.
Sara: What are we doing? Digging up graves, chasing prints -- if it's no good in court... if the killers win...
Grissom: It isn't a competition. We don't win. The courts are like dice. They have no memory. What works one week doesn't work the next.
Sara: I know that. I do. I know that. That's why I'm mad.
Grissom: But, see, if you get mad, then they do win.
Sara: You just said... this is one of your riddles isn't it?
Grissom: One of life's riddles... but, hey... the good news? There's no statute of limitation on murder.

Brass: Well, there's only two reasons a woman shoots a man: she either loves him or hates him.
Catherine: Or both.

Julia: You don't know what you're talking about.
Catherine: Well, that's a pretty dangerous thing to say to a scientist.

You’ve Got Male

Mickey Rutledge: Who's gonna believe a guy like me?
Grissom: A guy like me.

Sara: The one thing you don't want to find at a murder scene.
Grissom: A second body.

Grissom: Mr. Willoughby, do you mind if I fingerprint your spigot?
Mr. Willoughby: No one's ever asked me that before.

Catherine: You know what the textbook says -- if you're not a hundred percent sure how to collect it, bring the whole thing in.
Nick: *looks up at the extremely tall tree* Yeah, I'll figure it out.

The Finger

Nick: Blood pool here. Spatter all the way to the bird. Birds have blood feathers and flight feathers. Flight feathers don't bleed. No capillaries, just cartilage.
Catherine: And you know this how?
Nick: Discovery channel.

Burden of Proof

Grissom: Yeah, hi. I-I-I'd like to get some flowers for a girl. No, no. Not flowers. A plant. A living plant. She likes vegetation.

Grissom: So, take some photos of the experiment for the D.A., and then get rid of that stuff.
Sara: That meat? That raw meat? me?
Grissom: yeah.
Sara: How many meals have we shared together?
Grissom: I don't know.
Sara: Take a guess. Over a year working together.
Grissom: Thirty?
Sara: I'm a vegetarian, everyone here knows I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat since we stayed up that night with that dead pig. It pains me to see ground beef. Forget about cleaning it up.
Grissom: Okay... have Nick do it. *he leaves*

Grissom: What is this?
Sara: It's, uh, just what it says: It's a request for a leave of absence. Six months... year, maybe.
Grissom: Why?
Sara: I was thinking of checking out the federal government system...FBI... Grissom: We have the best lab in the country.
Sara: I need a different work environment.
Grissom: What does that mean?
Sara: One with, um, communication... respect.
Grissom: Everybody here respects you.
Sara: You don't.
Grissom: Is this about that hamburger thing?
Sara: No, Grissom... this is not about that "Hamburger" thing. I-I-I don't believe you. How can you reduce everything that I've said to some kind of single quirk? Do you think the problem here is just about me?

Primum Non Nocere

Warrick: What are you doing here?
Nick: I'm playing cards. With my friend.

Sara: Boys will be boys.
Grissom: Yeah, it looks like these boys went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
Sara: You just don't like sports.
Grissom: That's not true I've been a baseball fan my whole life.
Sara: Baseball that makes sense, all those stats.
Grissom: It's a beautiful game.
Sara: Since when are you interested in beauty?
Grissom: Since I met you.

Catherine: It's never a good sign when a guy has more women than furniture.
Grissom: What's the ratio here?
Catherine: Judging from these stains, I'd say four women for every piece of furniture including the TV. At least we know what this guy was about: bucks, pucks and...chicks.

Brass: Hockey, rough game.
Grissom: Yeah, it's murder.

Grissom: There are three things in life people like to stare at: a rippling stream; a fire in a fireplace; and a zamboni going 'round and 'round.
Sara: Charlie Brown: "I love a zamboni."
Grissom: We all do.

Felonius Monk

Grissom: Wherever you live is your temple. If you treat it like one.
Sara: State your source.
Grissom: Buddha.

Jimmy Tadero: I can't believe you're doing this to me. I gave you your career.
Catherine: I earned my career. And you did this to yourself. You fabricated evidence.
Jimmy Tadero: You were two steps from turning tricks. And this is the thanks I get?
Catherine: I danced - period. And instead of feeling sorry for yourself, think about this: While you were out there planting evidence on a case that you couldn't break, Stephanie's real killer got away. And he's still out there. Because you sold the one thing that a cop can't afford to sell: your integrity. So you tell me, between the two of us, who's the whore?

Chasing the Bus

Vincent: You ever hear the expression "pissing up a rope"?
Sara: Not in a scientific context, no.
Vincent: Well, I don't know if you can urinate up a rope but you can urinate against a rope and the urine will dribble down. Answer your question?
Sara: Yes.

Stalker

Catherine: So, how did he get in?
Grissom: A better question -- how'd he get out?

Warrick: You think she's a suspect?
Nick: No. She lives in Bosnia, man. Maine or something. She's got three kids. What's she going to do, fly in for murder?

Dr. Robbins: I can tell you two things. She died of a lack of O2 and she was a natural blonde.
*Grissom and Robbins stare at Catherine*
Catherine: What are you looking at me for?

Nick: You know I don't want to disappoint you, Nigel, but this isn't the first time I've had a gun in my face.

Cats in the Cradle

Catherine: I didn't think anything could mask the smell of a decomp.
Grissom: Male cat urine. To female cats it must smell like aftershave.
Catherine: Meow.

Greg: I'm like a sponge, I just absorb information.
Grissom: I thought that was my line.
Greg: Yeah. And I absorbed it.

Sara: Liar, liar, car on fire.

Anatomy of a Lye

Sara: I hate lawyers.

Ben Weston: Look, I'm filing a complaint with your supervisor. You're harassing me.
Grissom: If you're a lawyer, you should know the legal definition of harassment. Investigating a crime doesn't quite fit the criteria. However, a false accusation of harassment within earshot of my colleagues could be construed as slander. I know the law, too and I've actually been in a courtroom.

Dr. Robbins: Sometimes I'm glad I only deal with dead people.

Sara: You were off the hook.
Grissom: Until you let him die.

Cross-Jurisdictions

Horatio: Let me ask you another question: When you're home alone do you lock the bathroom door?
Catherine: I...don't even know you.

Catherine: Hello.
Grissom: Hey. Nice tan.
Catherine: Nice suit.
Grissom: Yeah, well, I knew you were coming back today, so I dressed up.
Catherine: Yeah...right.
Grissom: Really. *she looks him up and down* What?
Catherine: Nothing. It's just unusual to see you dressed... like that.
Grissom: I had to go to the chief's funeral.
Catherine: Missed me that much, huh?

Sara: Hey Nick, have you ever been to a swingers party?
Nick: Well, if it's the same thing as a frat party yeah, lots of them. You know, you get enough booze going things can get pretty wild.
Sara: Frat party, huh? Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.

Horatio: It's honey.
Catherine: What does that mean?
Horatio: Well, honey on its own is just honey. Add plastic wrap to the equation and... it's a different result.

Gordon Daimler: The Corwins lent me their jet.
Catherine: Just like they lent you their boat?
Gordon Daimler: Ask the pilot. Dylan called him in person telling him to fly me to Monaco.
Horatio: Hmm. I'd rather call Dylan at the hospital to confirm.
Catherine: The husband didn't die. You left us a witness and enough evidence to incriminate you in two states.
Gordon Daimler: Rich people don't go to jail.
Horatio: Gordon, you're not rich.

Brass: Miami is pulling cars out of canals... chasing leads, debriefing the kid... and you guys are flipping through textbooks?
Grissom: This is how I work.

Hunger Artist

Grissom *vo*: Obviously most of crime scene investigation is about seeing. But much of it is about hearing as well. Listening. Knowing how to listen. Not just to what people are saying but how they say it... how their tone of voice matches their facial expressions or body posture. So, even if I read lips and know what they're saying... it's not enough.

Sara: I've got crabs.
Grissom: Excuse me.
Sara: I've got crabs, take a look.

Grissom: Looks like she ratted herself out.