The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate

Chandler: Well kids, I've got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers . . . it doesn't make much of a difference.

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day.
Joey: What? Like there's a rule or something.

Ross: This was Carol's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can. I should've known.

Rachel to her dad: It's like all my life everyone has always told me you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe, and today I stopped and I said what if I don't want to be a shoe, what if I wanna be a purse or or a hat. No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a... it's a metaphor, Daddy!

Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phonecall I got from a woman sobbing at 3 am, "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren!" was what? A wrong number?

Monica to Rachel: Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!

Chandler: *Rachel cut her credit cards up* You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

The One With The Sonogram At The End

Ross: What about Julia?
Carol: Julia!
Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
Ross: It's funny, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches!

Phoebe: Monica you're scaring me. You're getting all chaotic and twirly... and not in a good way.

Rachel: You're a twin?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered driven career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.

Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

Chandler: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!

The One With The Thumb

Ross: A thumb?
Phoebe: I know. I know. I opened it up, and there is was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.

Phoebe: I'll give you $7,000 if you quit smoking!
Chandler: Yeah, OK.

The One With George Stephanopoulos

Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act. You know. I mean, it's like...the comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: And it's not that we don't like the comedian. It's just...that's not why we bought the ticket.

Monica: It's the credit card people. They say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my credit card in weeks!
Monica: That is the unusual activity.

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines and eight people were killed.
Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?
Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?

Rachel: Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

Phoebe: She's going for the pizza! Hey, that's not for you, bitch!

The One With The East German Laundry Detergent

Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night!
Joey: No plans, huh?
Chandler: Not a one.

The One With The Butt

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler: Oh yeah, right. And what would my opening line be? "Excuse me. Blah ra-rgh la-rgh."
Rachel: Oh, come on. She's a person, you can do it!
Chandler: Oh please. Could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Chandler to Joey: After all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.

The One With The Blackout

Jill: Would you like to call somebody?
Chandler: *thinking to himself* Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with.

Joey: Hey, what's up, man?
Chandler: I'm trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre!
Joey: Oh my god! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Chandler, listen, listen, Rrrrrrr rrr r rr!
Chandler: Ya, like that thought never entered my mind!

Ross: Disneyland, 1989. "It's a Small World After All."
All: No way! Get out!
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of mechanical Dutch children. Then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Ross: So you do know a little English?
Paolo: Poco... a leetle.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
Paolo: No.
Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!

The One Where Nana Dies Twice

Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

Rachel to Chandler: When I first met you... I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.

The One Where Underdog Gets Away

Monica: And I assume Chandler, you're still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.
Chandler: Yes every single one of them.

Chandler: Alright I'd like to propose a toast, a little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of thanksgiving that all of you planned, but for me, this has been really great. You know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway I was just thinking, I mean, if you had gone to Vail or if guys had been with your family or if you didn't have syphillis and stuff... we wouldn't be all together you know so I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm very thankful that all your Thanksgivings sucked.
Everyone Else: That's so sweet!
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas!
Rachel: And a crappy new year.
Chandler: Here, Here!

Monica: Does anybody wanna split this with me?
Joey: Oh, I will.
Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Monica: Make a wish?
Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?
Joey: The bigger half.

Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a foetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.

Ross: Do you, uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.

The One With The Monkey

Ross: It's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathet... sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.

Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass!

Ross: That would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica: No. No, I don't.
Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
Ross: My friend, Bethel, rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?

The One With The Dozen Lasagnas

Phoebe: You know Palo?
Ross: I am familar will his work, yes.
Phoebe: He made a move on me.
Joey: Whoa, the store will be open tomorrow.

Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know?

The One With The Boobies

Chandler: She's still upset because I saw her boobies.
Ross: You what? What were you doing seeing her boobies?
Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.

Ross: Since you saw her boobies, I think you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee.

Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.

Rachel: (About Chandler) Fasten your seat belts, it's pee-pee time.

The One With The Candy Hearts

Carol: You'll find someone. I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you.
Ross: That's easy for you to say. You found one already.

The One With All The Poker

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh. yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

Ross: You're money is mine Green.
Rachel: Your fly is open Gellar.

Phoebe: Hey, you know what I just realised? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J'. Coincidence?
Chandler: Hey, that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'.

The One With The Fake Monica

Monica: She has everything I want and she doesn't have my mother.

Monica: You have got to do something about the humping!
Ross: What? It's just a phase.
Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey.

Ross: Marchel stop humping the lamp.

Rachel: Let's just say my curious George is no longer curious.

The One With The Ick Factor

Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream!
Chandler: I-I'm sorry... it was a one time thing, I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.

Monica: Oh God, I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the Bicentennial!
Ethan: I just had sex!

The One With The Birth

Carol: I love them! Each one's like a little party in my uterus!

Carol: What does he look like?
Ross: Kind of like my Uncle Ed covered in Jello.

Rachel: Oh God, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these!
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.

The One Where Rachel Finds Out

Chandler: Men are here!
Joey: We make fire! Cook meat!
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back!

Ross: I'm going to China.
Joey: The country?
Ross: No, the big pile of dishes in my mom's breakroom.

Monica: You're going to China?
Ross: It's for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone. They don't want us to have the bone. I'm going to try to persuade them to give us the bone. It's a whole big bone thing.

Monica: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: *panicked* Ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... "love" part?
Chandler: *stuttering incoherently* F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: *rubbing his temples* Oh, no-no-no-no-no...
Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.