The One With Ross's New Girlfriend

Rachel: Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic!

Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Chandler to Joey: Okay, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance.

Chandler: Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I got pants that need to be altered.
Joey: Hey Chandler. When you see Franky tell him Joey Tribianni says hello. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: You think he's gonna be able to crack the code?

Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way, I've been going to the guy for twelve years.
Chandler: Oh come on, he said he was going to do my inseem, then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite...
Ross: What?
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side then they move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross: Yes, yes it is... IN PRISON!

The One With The Breast Milk

Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping.
Rachel: Oh. Oh my God.
Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure!
Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!

Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? This is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby sucking on it.

The One Where Heckles Dies

Chandler: Goodbye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. Ross: Come on, you can't tell me that you actually believe that there's a woman inside that cat.
Rachel: I believe it.
Ross: No you don't.
Rachel: Yes I do.
Ross: No you don.... you know what, you're not gonna to suck me into this.
Rachel: Oh, sure I am. Because you always have to be right.
Ross: I do not always have!!...okay, okay *gets up and heads to door*
Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen. *Ross pauses at doorway, then leaves*

The One With Five Steaks And An Eggplant

Ross: Hey, even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow, she's probably going to realize, hey, you're not Bob.
Chandler: I am hoping that when Bob doesn't show up she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
Ross: You are pure evil.
Chandler: Okay, pure evil *shakes left hand*, horny and alone *shakes right hand, looks at right hand* - I've done this.

The One With The Baby on the Bus

Joey: We'll flip for it - ducks or clowns.
Chandler: Oh, we're gonn'a flip for the baby?
Joey: You got a better idea?
Chandler: All right, call it in the air.
Joey: "Heads"!
Chandler: "Heads" it is!
Joey: Yes!
Chandler: We have to assign "heads" to something.
Joey: Right, Ok, Ok, uh, ducks is "heads", because ducks have heads!
Chandler: What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday?

The One Where Ross Finds Out

Ross: How'd your date go?
Rachel: I think there was a restaurant. I know there was wine.

Ross: You're over me? When were you...under me?

The One With The List

Ross: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
Joey: Tongue?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Cool.

Phoebe: Oh, sweet lord! This must be what evil must taste like!

Chandler: It was summer...and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end.

The One With The Lesbian Wedding

Mrs. Green: Monica! You look gorgeous! Oh, my! The last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.

Ross: And you had no idea that they weren't getting along?
Rachel: None!
Joey: They didn't fight a lot?
Rachel: No, they didn't even talk to each other! How was I supposed to know they were having problems?

Rachel: *about her mom* Well, couldn't she just have copied my haircut?

Minister: We are here to join this woman and this woman in holy matrimony.
Phoebe as Mrs. Adelman: "Now I've seen everything!" Oh my God, she's gone!

The One After The Super Bowl

Erica: How can you be here and there?
Joey: Cause it's a television show!
Erica: Drake, what are you getting at?
Joey: I'm NOT Drake.
Ross: That's right - he's not Drake...he's Hans Ramoree, Drake's evil twin!
Erica: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because...because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me! *throws glass of water in Joey's face*
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me - and he didn't! *throws another glass of water in Joey's face*
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you BASTARD! *throws yet another glass of water in Joey's face*

Phoebe: Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Noooowwwww chickens!

Phoebe: You know what? If we were in prison, you guys would be like, my bitches.

The One With the Prom Video

Jack Geller: There she is.
Joey: Some girl ate monica!
Monica: Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

Phoebe: Ok, you gotta give me a second; I wanna get this just right. "Dude! 11 O'clock. Totally hot babe checkin' you out!" That was really good. I think I'm ready for my penis now!

Phoebe: He's her lobster!

Chandler: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection.

Ross: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella.

The One Where Ross And Rachel...You Know

Rachel: Oh God. I'm sorry. It's just that when you moved your hand down to my butt, it was like, whoa, Ross's hand is on my butt.

Rachel: ...Just one cheek!
Ross: No, the moment's gone.
Rachel: All right, just put your hands out, and I'll back-up into them.
Ross: That's romantic!
Rachel: Come on, touch it!
Ross: No!
Rachel: Come on, squeez it!
Ross: No!
Rachel: Rub it?
Ross: No!
Rachel: Oh come on would you just grab my ass?!

The One Where Joey Moves Out

Joey: What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie!

Chandler: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister! Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?

Ross: You got a tattoo?
Rachel: Yeah, but just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world!

The One Where Eddie Won't Go

Chandler: Ding dong! The psycho's gone!

Joey: I fell down an elevator shaft.
Gunther: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.
Joey: What?
Gunther: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.

Rachel: This is about you stealing my wind!
Ross: Your wind?
Rachel: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

The One Where Old Yeller Dies

Phoebe: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, whatcha doin' with that gun? Oh no. No no Travis put down the gun. No no no no, he's he's your buddy! he's your Yeller! No! THE END! THE END! *gunshot*... Okay what kind of a SICK doggy snuff film is this!?

Phoebe: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.

Richard: Don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends. They don't start sentences with, "You know who just died shoveling snow?"

The One With The Bullies

Rachel: What happened to, uh, MEG?
Monica: MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is "get out before they go down."
Joey: That is so not my motto!

Rachel: Ok, the dog will lick himself, but he won't eat your sandwich. What does that tell you, Joey?

The One With The Two Parties

Mrs. Green: Ross, whose glasses are those?
Ross:: Mine.
Mrs. Green: You wear bi-focals?
Ross: Um-hmm. I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.
Mrs. Green: Did you know my husband has glasses just like that?
Rachel: Well those are very popular frames.

Joey: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.
Phoebe: Why not her?
Joey: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.
Chandler: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?
Joey: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.

Rachel: Can you keep my dad occupied? I'm gonna go talk to Mom for a while.
Ross: Okay. Do you have any ideas for any openers?
Rachel: Just stay clear of, "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter!" and you should be okay.

Mr. Green: So what's the deal here? Rachel comes home and we all jump up and say "surprise"?
Chandler: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?

Joey: Mr. Green, why don't we go in the bedroom and put your coat on the bed?
Mr. Green: Uh, sure. That sounds like a two-person job.

The One With the Chicken Pox

Monica to Phoebe: Ryan's been underwater. He's just going to be glad you don't have barnacles on your butt.

Monica: My boyfriend doesn't have a thing!
Richard: See, if anyone out there heard that, I didn't come off well.

Monica: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.
Richard: Then I guess the panty raid last night was completely out of line.