The One with the Jellyfish

Chandler: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust. I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?
Monica: Ehh.
Chandler: I've got canned goods!

Rachel: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!
Ross: *makes fake crying noises* FINE BY ME!!

Ross: I didn't read the whole letter, I fell asleep.
Rachel: You fell a-SLEEP?
Ross: It was 5 O'Clock in the morning! And you had RAMBLED on for 18 pages! FRONT AND BACK!!!

Monica: *sets some cards down* Gin.
Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
Monica: Will you stop!
Chandler: Okay. All right.
Monica: Okay, all right, I think you’re great, I think you’re sweet, and you’re smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.

Rachel to Ross: And hey, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal!
Chandler: I knew it!

The One with the Cat

Ross: Come on, you can't tell me that you actually believe that there's a woman inside that cat.
Rachel: I believe it.
Ross: No you don't.
Rachel: Yes I do.
Ross: No you don.... you know what, you're not gonna to suck me into this.
Rachel: Oh, sure I am. Because you always have to be right.
Ross: I do not always have!!...okay, okay *starts to leave*
Rachel: Jurassic Park could happen. *Ross pauses and then leaves*

Joey: You know what I'm going to do to that guy next time I see him!
Chandler: BEND OVER?

Monica: What happened here?
Chandler: Well, Joey was born. And 28 years later, I was robbed!

Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.

Monica: So Chip, what do you do?
Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work.
Monica: You mean you still work at the movie theater?
Chip: Yeah. I can get you free posters for your room!
Monica: No thanks, I'm set!

The One with the Cuffs

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: Getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

Salesman: Where does the pope live? Joey: In the Woods.

The One With Joey's New Girlfriend

Chandler: Okay, what do you saw I go over there and say how much I like her? No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment I met her. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!

Chandler: So, uh, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.
Kathy: Yeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do. All of them had us making out.
Chandler: Oh, it's a good thing, actually. Because, uh, he used to make me rehearse with him.

The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line

Joey: Did you sleep with her?
Chandler: No, I just kissed her!
Joey: That's even worse!
Chandler: How is that worse?!
Joey: I don't know, but it's the same!

The One With Chandler In A Box

*Chandler is in the box because he kissed Joey’s girlfriend*
Chandler: What happened?
Joey: You kissed my girlfriend!

Ross: Hey you know Mon, if things work out between you and Richard's son you'll be able to tell your kids that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but *to Ross* married a lesbian, *to Rachel* left a man at the altar, *to Phoebe* fell in love with a gay ice dancer, *to Joey* threw a girl's wooden leg into the fire, *to Chandler* live in a box.

Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

The One Where They're Going To Party!

Ross: Didn't you read "Lord of the Rings" in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.

Allesandro: I want a retraction. Our food is not "inedible swill."
Monica: I couldn't eat it. I have five friends who couldn't eat it. And one of them eats books.

The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie

Chandler: Really? I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling.
Rachel: Huh. Let me tell you something. It's been a long time since I've been flung.
Joey: Well, I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.

Rachel: No accountants. Oh, and no one from, like, "legal." I don't like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh, and Ross was like what, a lion tamer?

Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401Ks to me!
Phoebe: You work with robots?

The One With Phoebe's Uterus

Phoebe: Well, they said that I had to think about it first, but I... what is there to think about? I'm gonna be giving someone the greatest gift you can possibly give.
Chandler: You're gonna carry their child and get them a Sony Play Station?

The One With The Embryos

Joey: I call Monica's room.
Chandler: You can't just call Monica's room.
Joey: Sure I can. Standard shotgun rules. I'm in sight of the room and I call it.
Chandler: *looks at the room and mutters* Damn.

Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. Five questions wins the game. The lightning round begins...now! What is Joey's favorite food?
Monica: Sandwiches!
Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
Rachel: 14?
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks man.
Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
Monica: Maurice.
Ross: Correct, his profession was?
Rachel: Space cowboy!
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job?
Rachel: Ohhh...ohh gosh...it has something to do with numbers!
Monica: and processing!
Rachel: and he carries a briefcase!
Ross: 10 seconds! You need this or you lose the game!
Monica: It's ummm has something to so with transponding!
Rachel: Ohh! Ohhh! He's a transponc...transponcsder
Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!!
*Ross stops the watch ending the game*
Monica: NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejeezus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body!

Ross: Correct. Rachel claims this is her favourite movie...
Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross: Her actual favourite movie is...
Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s.

Frank Jr: Um, it's a lollipop and a, uh, a home pregnancy test.
Monica: Hey, don't mix those up. You could really ruin that lollipop.

Phoebe: Well, the doctor says it takes a couple of days, but my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine.

Ross: Monica and I had a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral. Name that grandmother!
Joey: Nana?
Chandler: She has a real name.
Joey: Oh! Althea!
Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?!
Joey: I took a shot!
Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?!
Ross: Althea is correct.
Chandler: Nice shooting!

Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing!
Monica: No!!
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong.
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use your head!
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.

The One With Rachel's Crush

Chandler: I should have called. You know if I just called her after our big stupid fight, she never would have gone out with Nick and they never would have ended up in bed together. I threw her at his manliness!
Rachel: Honey, this is not your fault. Just because you guys had a fight does not justify her sleeping with someone.
Ross: Well if...if she thought they were on a break...

The One With Joey's Dirty Day

Charleston Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.
Phoebe: Um, no. You have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant.
Man: Maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.
Phoebe: Ha ha, it's not my baby.

Chandler: No! That was a test! You know, in a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk, and I'm gonna want to call Kathy, and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna be so drunk I'm gonna wanna call Janice!
Phoebe: You should! How is she?

Rachel: Ahhh! I can't believe this. All I wanted was just a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so that he could go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Phoebe: Awwww, Pheebs
Rachel: Honey, that's your name.
Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other.

Emily: Ross! Come look! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: I gotta go! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.

The One With All The Rugby

Joey: Dude, you go back out there you're going to be Dead Ross.

Chandler: Hi, I need a fake ticket to Yemen.

The One With The Fake Party

Phoebe: Who Josh?
Rachel: Joshua.
Monica: He doesn't like being called Josh?
Rachel: No, I don't.

Chandler: There's a Phoebe on my sandwich.

Ross: What photo album was it?
Rachel: I don't know, you and a bunch of albino kids.
Ross: Oh my god! Those weren't albino kids, that was computer camp!

Monica: If you want to kiss him, um you could use mistletoe.
Rachel: Oh, its not Christmas.
Monica: Or spin the bottle.
Rachel: And he's not 11.

The One With The Free Porn

Emily: There's someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing In England as it does here in America?

*Chandler opening the door and seeing Emily*
Chandler: Are we in London?

Monica: When Rachel was with Palo. What did you do?
Ross: I made fun of his accent.

Phoebe: ...and it's going to be like one of those log rides when they keep shooting out.

*Frank learning about the triplets*
Frank: I finally got my band.

Frank: Three kids and no money.

The One With Rachel's New Dress

Monica: You wore your nightie to dinner?
Rachel: Oh yeah and uh the best part though, was when the waiter spilled water down my back I jumped up and my boob popped out.
Monica: No?
Rachel: It's all right, I got nice boobs.

Chandler: Emily is straight.
Ross: How do you know. I mean, we thought Carol was straight before I married her.
Phoebe: I definitely don't like the name Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.

The One With All The Haste

Joey: You have Knicks tickets?
Rachel: Yeah, my mom got my dad's season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me, yeah.
Monica: Apparently they're pretty good seats.
Joey: Oh my god, those are almost right on the floor!
Rachel: What, do you guys want these?
Joey and Chandler: Yeah we do!!
Rachel: Oh, well you got'em!
Joey and Chandler: Alright!
Rachel: Just give us our apartment back!
Phoebe: Whoa! I didn't see that coming.

The One With The Wedding Dresses

Joey: This sucks! I didn't know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic. I'm so tired!
Chandler: It's six o'clock!

Chandler: So, uh, what are you in for?
Marjorie: I talk in my sleep.
Chandler: What a coincidence! I listen in my sleep.

The One With Ross's Wedding

Joey: London, baby! Minster: Now Ross, repeat after me-I, Ross... Ross: I, Ross Minster: Take thee Emily... Ross: Take thee Rachel...Emily!...Emily. Chandler: What we did last night was stupid right? Monica: Oh, yeah. Totally stupid. Chandler: Yeah, crazy... But we're good for tonight, right? Monica: Oh, yeah. Joey: Have you seen Monica? Chandler: *defensively* I'm not seeing Monica!