The One After Vegas

Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It’s right next to it!
Rachel: Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right. Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other.

Ross: No-no, that’s-that’s not my thing! I do not love getting divorced!

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.
Ross: I didn't get the annulment.
Phoebe: What?!
Ross: We're still married! Don't tell Rachel! See you later.

Chandler: You know, I was thinking, what if I, uh, unpack here?
Monica: Then all your stuff would be here.
Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here?
Monica: Then you'd be going back and forth all the time. I mean, it doesn't make any sense.
Chandler: Okay... What if we lived together and you understand what I'm saying?

The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel

Ross: This is crazy! I mean, yes... yes, Rachel is my good friend and I... I have loved her in the past. But now she is just my wife! Phoebe, will you... will you help me out here?
Phoebe: Well, I thought you loved her when you married her.
Ross: We were drunk! I would've married Joey with that amount of alcohol!
Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!

Ross: Look, I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller, Three Divorces."
Phoebe: Don't be worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller, Good at Marriage!" You know? Mine's gonna say, "Phoebe Buffay, Buried Alive."

Phoebe: First Chandler and Monica will get married, and be filthy rich by the way, but it won't work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: I know. Then I'm gonna marry Chandler for the money, and you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great.
Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids, and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey: What about Ross?
Phoebe: I don't wanna go into the whole thing. We have words and I kill him.

The One With Ross's Denial

Phoebe: Now, if you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

Ross: Chandler, you want to live with Monica, right?
Chandler: Yeah I do.
Ross: And Monica, you want to live with Chandler?
Monica: Yes!
Ross: Good! A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York!

The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance

Phoebe: Listen to this! My reading was wrong, I’m not going die!
Rachel: Really?! How do you know?
Phoebe: Because my psychic is dead! She must’ve read the cards wrong!
Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry.
Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, let’s bake cookies!

The One With Joey's Porsche

Joey: Hi, how are the Gellars?

Ross: Did a Porch throw up on you?

Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn't my best decision. But I just couldn't face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask: At what point did you think this was a successful marriage?

Rachel: I am so mad at you Ross! I don't think I have ever been this angry!
Ross: What about the time I said we were on a break?

Monica: Pheebs, it's going great. Look at Chandler with little baby-girl Chandler.
Chandler: "Little baby-girl Chandler," where I have heard that before? Oh right, Coach Reuben.

Monica: Damn it! You know, this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and... and no one was watching Chandler!

The One On The Last Night

Phoebe to the guys: Hurry! Monica's going to make you pack! She's got jobs for everyone! Now it's too late for me, but save yourselves!

Monica: Here's your last box. I'm just going to label it, 'What were you thinking?'
Rachel: That's funny cos I was going to go across the hall and write that on Chandler.

Monica to Rachel: And now you have to leave, and I have to live with a boy!

The One With Ross's Teeth

Rachel: Just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you, 'cause Kim will just freak out, and she already doesn't like me very much.
Chandler: Oh, that's weird. I don't think my boss likes me either.
Monica: I don't think mine likes me either.
Ross: Maybe it's a universal thing.
Joey: Yeah. Or maybe it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.

Joey: What's with these chips?
Janine: Joey it's pot pourri... you smell it.
Joey: Why that's just like summer in a bowl!

Monica: Go over to Joey's. Go over to Joey's, and... and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall!
Chandler: You know, when guys hang out, they don't just drink beer and hammer up drywall.
Monica: When girls hang out, we don't have pillow fights in our underwear. *Chandler looks devastated* I'm sorry. We do, we do! I don't know why I said that.

Chandler: Now I've upset you? What did I say?
Joey: It's not what you said, it's just the way you said it. Oh my god! I'm a woman!

The One Where Ross Got High

Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys! Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced! Again!
Phoebe: I love Jaques Costeau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I want to gooooooo!

Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again?
Mr. Geller: What happened son?
Ross: I... I uh, I got tricked into all those things!

Ross: *about the trifle* It tastes like feet!
Joey: Well, I like it!

Joey to Ross: How you got three women to marry you I'll never know!

The One with the Routine

Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
*a shoe falls out of the bag*
Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for?
Rachel: "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."

The One with The Apothecary Table

Joey: Have you kissed her yet? She kisses better then my mom... cooks.
Monica: I am SO glad you finished that sentence!

Phoebe: No no no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it's all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don't have that lamp!

The One with Rachel's Sister

Jill: And you know what I said? I said I'm gonna get a lawyer, and I'm gonna sue you, and I'm gonna take all your money, then I'm gonna cut you off.
Rachel: Wow. Then what did he say?
Jill: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.

Jill: ...because I bought a boat.
Phoebe: You bought a boat?
Jill: It's okay, it was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy, did we make friends with the wrong sister.

The One where Chandler Can't Cry

Phoebe: You're trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From porn! Okay? Yeah! Your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!

Rachel: This about you being a brat, wanting what you can't have.
Jill: I can't have? Listen the only thing I can't have is dairy!

The One That Could Have Been

Phoebe: Still going through that dry spell with Carol?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: How long has it been since you had sex?
Ross: Well, last weekend...
Phoebe: Oh, that's not so bad.
Ross: ...will be two months...
Phoebe: Oh.
Ross: ...since I stopped trying.

Rachel: Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment. Now does he do that with a lot of girls?
Monica: Yeah a lot. A LOT, a lot, a lot.
Rachel: Ah! And I'm one of them!

The One With Unagi

Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?

The One Where Ross Dates A Student

Ross: Hey! I just got my teacher evaluations! Check out what this one student wrote: "I loved Dr. Geller's class. Mind blowing lectures! Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department."
Chandler: Ahh, Hotties of the Paleontology Department, there's a big selling calendar, eh?

Rachel: I'm going to check my messages.
Chandler: You just thought of that in there?
Monica: Yeah, you know, nature called, she wants to see who else did.

Joey: Monday: one day. Tuesday: two day. Wednesday: when, huh, what day? Thursday: the third day, okay?

The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad

Monica: *to Mr. Stevens* So, is there a Mrs. Stevens?
Chandler: There's a Mr. Bing!

Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!
Phoebe: I'm not writing about you! I'm writing about... other people.
Chandler: Who?
Phoebe: Marsha, and... Chester.

Chandler: So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot buddy?
Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series! I've been dreaming of this for years! Why have I not been preparing!?

The One With The Proposal

Chandler: *practicing proposing* Will you marry me? Willl YOU marry me? *points his fingers like a gun* Hey you marry me!

Chandler: Hey you have to forget about Elizabeth! I mean, if you're not carefull you might not get married at all this year!

Chandler: You know what you did? My girlfriend is out there thinking things over! You made my girlfriend think!

Chandler: I gotta find Monica.
Joey: She's gone. She said you guys were on different things.
Chandler: I can't believe I ruined this.
*He walks into the apartment and there are candles everywhere, and Monica is there*
Monica: You said you wanted it to be a surprise.