The One After "I Do"

Monica: Wait a minute! Who's the father?
Phoebe: Oh no, she won't tell us.
Monica: Come on, it's my wedding! That can be my present!
Rachel: Wait, hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick!
Phoebe: See, this is why you register.

Phoebe: It's not negative, it's positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before. Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh-oh, that's a risky little game!

The One With The Red Sweater

Joey: I wonder if it was that dude?
Monica: There's a dude?
Joey: A few weeks ago, this guy came home with Rachel. Now, I didn't get a good look at his face, but... *Leaves the apartment*
Monica: Is that story over?

Chandler: You opened all the presents without me? I thought we were supposed to do that together!
Monica: You kissed another woman?
Chandler: Call it even?
Monica: Okay!

Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey: Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!

Phoebe: That's right. Chandler does still think I'm pregnant. He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. Oh, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.

The One Where Rachel Tells...

Rachel: You know, condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? They should put that on the box!
Rachel: They do.
Ross: No they don't! *checks box* Well, they should put it in huge, block letters!
Rachel: Ross, will you just forget about the condom.
Ross: Well I might as well have!

Joey: What did you say to her?
Ross: Nothing, but the complaint department at the condom company got an earful.

Rachel: Wha... married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
Rachel: What, because that's your answer to everything?

Rachel: You INHALE your food!
Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

The One With The Videotape

Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. How about uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind!

Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy!
Joey: *raises his hand* "Some guy!" *points to himself*
Rachel: No, no, she told me that his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: *raises his hand and points to himself again* Ken Adams!

The One With The Halloween Party

Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, it's me. Phoebe!

The One With The Stain

Phoebe: So is that better?
Eric: Not really. You're blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You're Blursula.

The One With The Rumour

Ross: It was no big deal. We-we…said that the rumor was...that umm...you had both…male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?!
Will: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.

Chandler to Rachel: Wait a minute, we heard that rumor in my high school! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?

Monica: Just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.
Joey: Why not?!
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not! They're ugly... and stupid... and delicious!

Rachel: What you did to me is much worse than what I did to you. You gave me a teeny-weeny!

Phoebe: Green Bay is playing.
Monica: You like Green Bay?
Phoebe: It's only like my favourite bay!

The One Where Chandler Takes A Bath

Chandler: Joey hasn't had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth.
Monica: That was a long night.

Ross: How about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old?

The One With The Secret Closet

Joey: I saw this movie once, where there was this door, and nobody knew what was behind it. And when they finally got it open, millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out, and feasted on human flesh! You know, it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy!

Joey: By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing, for all I know, I'm just locking it more.

Chandler: Richard? If you're in there, could you pass me my credit card back?

Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

The One With The Birthing Video

Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see? It’s here.
Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it: don’t watch it.
Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
Chandler: Well, let’s just say it’s ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.

Chandler: You know, it haunts me? Up ‘til now, the worst thing I ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver!

The One Where Joey Tells Rachel

Monica: It's completely freaking him out. He's talking about moving to Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.

Ross: Sure, 'cause women never like Joey. You know, I think he's a virgin.

The One With The Tea Leaves

Ross: Has anyone seen my shirt? It's a button down, like a faded salmon color.
Monica: You mean your pink shirt?
Ross: Faded salmon color.
Monica: No, I haven't seen your pink shirt.

Chandler: I'm not great with advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

The One In Massapequa

Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C…I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don’t want to forget this moment! It’s like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! *he takes a mental picture of them all*

The One With Joey's Interview

Joey: In my spare time, I read to the blind. And I'm also a mento, for kids.
Interviewer: A Men...to..?
Joey: You know, a mento. A role-model.
Interviewer: A Mento. Like the candy?
Joey: As a matter of fact, I do.

Joey: You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just then, or all the time? Because we have jobs, you know?

The One With The Baby Shower

Mrs. Green to Rachel: Oh, look at that face, just like when you were in high school. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were a cheerleader in trouble.

Joey: Now Chandler, would you like to spin the Wheel of Mayhem or pick a Wicked Wango card.
Chandler: Ahhh, let me think... I don't care.
Joey: You must choose Mr. Bing.
Chandler: Either, it doesn't matter.
Joey: Choose... you jackass.

The One Where Rachel is Late

Ross: This is insane! I'm not gonna make love to you just so you'll go into labor!
Rachel: Make love? What are you, a girl?
Ross: A great way to get into a man's pants.

Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just-just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y'know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.
Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.

*Ross and Rachel are making out, about to have sex to move the process along*
Rachel: Oh god.
Ross: Yeah I know.
Rachel: No... I think my water just broke.
Ross: I am good.

Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half PURE EVIL!

The One Where Rachel Has A Baby

Ross: They're bringing in another woman.
Rachel: Is she pregnant yet? It doesn't matter, she'll still have her baby before I do.

Phoebe: Three hours and still no baby. The miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.

Rachel: I just can't stop crying.
Ross: The doctor said it's perfectly normal with all the hormones, plus you're sleep-deprived.
Rachel: So are all of you guys, but I don't see any of you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh, God!
Joey: Oh, what's the matter now?
Rachel: I was re-living it!

Monica: How are you feeling?
Rachel: Oh, not bad. You know that feeling when you're trying to blow a St. Bernard out your ass?