Aunt Pearl: You folks oughta move yourselves to a place like... Beverly Hills, Californy.
Jethro: They got swimming pools and movie stars!

Elly May: I reckon why they got two sets of steps.
Jethro: That's easy! One's for going up, and the other's for going down!
Elly May: Oh.

Jed Clampett: I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done.

Mr. Drysdale: Son, I want you to close your eyes for a minute. Now, imagine I've taken away your allowance, your cellphone, your car and cut you out of my will. How do you see your future?
Morgan: Flipping frozen cow parts at Burger King?
Mr. Drysdale: And people say you're stupid.

Jethro: *his theory on bowling* I think I've finally figured this game out, Spanky. You take this here ball, put it in this here gully, and let it roll down yonder. Then you hurl yourself down this here slippery gully and see how many of them there snake bashing clubs you can knock down before the ball gets there.
Laura: What a stupid idiot.
Jed: Did you say something, ma'am?
Laura: What a stupendous intellect.

Tyler: You're not going to sleep with him, are you?
Laura: That's not your problem.
Tyler: Good! Laura, I've got my hand on your butt. *Laura hangs up* Hold on! I've got someone on call waiting. *goes to other line* Hello! Hello! *goes back* It was nobody! Anyways, I've got my hand on your butt and I'm squeezing.
Mr. Drysdale: Tyler, get your hand off my butt!

Jane: I must say it's inspirational how you found a place for the Clampetts right next door to your own.
Mr. Drysdale: The people who lived there were my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years. I'm really going to miss them.
Jane: It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy and had to sell the place.
Mr. Drysdale: I know. I'd hate to think that my phone call to the IRS had anything to do with it.