Rufus: Hi. Welcome to the future, San Dimas, California 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean, the water's clean, even the dirt is clean. Bowling averages are way up. Mini golf scores are way down and we have more excellent waterslides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great, but it almost wasn't. You see 700 years ago, the two great ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two on the correct path, the basis of our society will be in danger. Don't worry it'll all make sense, I'm a professional.

Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
Bill, Ted: And together, we're WYLD STALLYNS!

Bill: Ted, while I agree our band will be most truimphant, the truth is Wild Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how we could have decent intruments if we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.
Ted: And that is why we need a triumphant video.
Bill and Ted: Excellent!

Bill: Oh we're late.
Ted: For what?
Bill: School, dude.
Ted: Oh.

Mr. Ryan: Who was Joan of Arc?
Ted: Noah's wife?

Mr. Ryan: All you boys seemed to have learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."

Bill: One thing I know is Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.
Ted: Then who is Noah's wife?
Bill: I don't know, Ted, but I do know we're in serious trouble.

Missy: Hi, Bill. Hi, Ted. Need a ride?
Bill: Sure, Missy! I mean, Mom.
Ted: Your step-mom's cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshman?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!

Bill: George Washington: the father of our country.
Ted: Also born on President's Day.
Bill: The dollar bill guy.
Ted: Hey, did you ever make a mushroom out of his head--?
Bill: Ted?
Ted: What?
Bill: Alaska.
Ted: Oh yeah. Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick!
Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude.

Ted: I can't believe your dad's actually going for it in your room!
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your step-mom is cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when I asked her out to the prom?
Bill: Shut up Ted!!

Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.

Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Other Bill and Ted: 69 dudes!
Bill, Ted: Whoa! *Quadruple air guitar solo*

Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?
Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy...
Ted: What if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?

Rufus: Gentlemen... We're history!

Bill: Let's reach out and touch someone.

Bill: Socrates; "The only true wisdom consists of knowing you know nothing". Ted: That's us, dude!

Ted: *to Socrates* All we are is dust in the wind, dude.

Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.
Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from Medieval.
Billy the Kid: Excellent.
Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.

Bill: *to peasant* Excuse me. Do you know where there are any personages of historical signiface around here?

Bill: So who should we get from Medieval? *points* How about that gnarly old goat dude?

Ted: Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: I'm in love, dude.
Bill: Come on, this is a history report, not a babe report.
Ted: But, Bill, those are historical babes!
Bill: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?

Ted: Bill?
Bill: What?
Ted: These are heavy.
Bill: Yeah, heavy metal.

Bill: Who turned off all the lights?
Ted: Hey Bill.
Bill: What?
Ted: I'm Darth Ted.
Bill: Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill, and you're not my father.

Bill: You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

Bill: Ted, you're alive!
Ted: Yeah, I fell out of my armor when it hit the floor! *they hug*
Bill, Ted: Fag!

King: Put them in the Iron Maiden.
Bill, Ted: Iron Maiden? Excellent!
King: Execute them.
Bill, Ted: Bogus.

Ted: Where are we dude?
Bill: I don't know, but they do play excellent music.
Ted: Most outstanding.

Bill: Be excellent to each other.
Ted: Party on dudes.

Ted: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood!
Bill: Extra credit, dude. Let's bag him!
Ted: *to Freud* How's it goin' Frood-dude?

Bill, Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted!
Bill: That conversation made more sense this time.

Police Psychiatrist: I don't know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.
Sigmund Freud: Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?
Police Psychiatrist: Why do you keep asking me these questions?
Sigmund Freud: Tell me about your mother.

Mr. Logan: All right. What's your name?
Abraham Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.
Mr. Logan: I know how to spell Lincoln. What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?
Abraham Lincoln: February 12, 1809.

Bill: Can we get your dad's keys?
Ted: We could steal them, but he lost them two days ago.
Bill: If only we could go back in time to when he had them and steal them then.
Ted: Well, why can't we?
Bill: 'Cause we don't got time.
Ted: We could do it after the report.
Bill: Ted, good thinking, dude! After the report we'll time travel back to two days ago steal your dad's keys and leave them here.
Ted: Where?
Bill: I don't know. How about behind that sign. That way when we get here now, they'll be waiting for us. *picks the keys up* See?
Ted: Whoa, yeah! So after the report, we can't forget to do this. Otherwise if won't happen. But it did happen. Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys.

Ox: Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... San Dimas High School football rules!

Bill: Please welcome, for the final report of the afternoon, from all throughout history, some of the greatest people who have ever lived . . . in their 1988 world tour! Ted: Thanks to great leaders, such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic method . . . the world is full of history.

Ted: As you can see, Genghis greatly enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush!

Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Ashman's Sporting Goods.

Abraham Lincoln: Be excellent to each other... And party on, dudes!

Ted: Bill, my friend.
Bill: Yes, Ted, my friend.
Ted: This has been the most excellent adventure.

Rufus: *reassuringly to the camera* They do get better.