Albert: I want a palimony agreement and I want one now.
Armand: Well, I don't have a palimony agreement on me right now. Is tomorrow all right?
Albert: Don't use that tome to me.
Armand: What tone?
Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone. That means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.
Armand: You're not a woman.
Albert: Oh, you bastard!

Albert: I was adorable once. Young and full of hope. And now, look at me, I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged thing!
Armand: I made you short?

Armand: Should we have some champagne to celebrate?
Mrs. Keeley: Oh, how nice.
Armand: Agador!
Val: Spartacus!
Armand: Agador Spartacus! He insists in being called by his full name.

Mrs. Keeley: What interesting china! Why it looks like young men playing leap-frog. Is it Greek?

Agador: What is that? Why you talk to me like I'm your servant.
Armand: Because you're our faithful houseman. Now go!
Agador: Yah, but my father was the shaman of his tribe, okay? My mother was the high priestess, okay?
Armand: Then why the hell did they move to New Jersey?
Agador: I don't know, they're so stupid. 'Cause they want me to have a career. Hello? A career. When you going to let me audition for you again?
Armand: When you have talent.

Albert: You always ask so much of me. I have to understand every nuance of a song. I have to give a full-out performance but everyone else can just get through it. I mean, he's chewing gum.
Male Dancer: Chewing gum helps me think.
Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum.

Barbara: Look mother, don't you think this room is nice?
Mrs. Keeley: Yes, very very pleasent vacation house. I like it's severity.
Val: Actually, dad uses this place more for work and reflection than anything else. See its not so much a vacation house as it is-
Armand: A monastery.
Val: Yes.
Mrs. Keeley: I think its just charming. And look at these lovely old books! Look at this! "Nancy Drew and the Case of the Burning Candle"! You have the whole series!

Albert (Mrs. Coleman): Maybe I'm just an old fashioned girl but I pity the woman whos too busy to stay home and take care of the man.
Senator Keeley: Here here. Its so great to meet people like you.

Armand: This is so Guatamala. They put hard boiled eggs in everything down there because you know chicken is so important to them. Its their only real currency. A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens and a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock. Will you excuse me?

Armand: He didn't make an entree.
Val: What? You mean we just have soup?
Agador: Peasent soup is an entree! Its like a stew! Why do you think I put so much in it for!
Armand: Shut up! Heres the note for Kathrine, go put it on the downstairs door. I've got to get back before they eat enough to see the bottom of the bowls.
Agador: Theres a million things to do. You no give me no time to shop!
Armand: Shut up! Its okay. We're all right. Its fine. Just shut up goddamn you. Its all right. Stop crying! Goddamn you! What are you standing there for, go! Go! She'll be here any minute! Go! Goddamnit! Fuck the shrimp!