Sam's dad/writing on wall: Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

Young Sam: Where do Princesses go to college?
Sam's dad: Uh... they go, uh... um, where the princes go. They got to Princeton.

Fiona: Droughts are for poor people. Do you think J.Lo has a brown lawn?

Rhonda: *on the phone* You call that grade A meat? Then that cow must have cheated on his test.

Fiona to Sam: You're not very pretty and you're not very bright. So glad that we had that talk.

Austin: Wait, where are you going?
Sam: I'm late.
Austin: For what?
Sam: Reality.

Fiona: I am very, very, very upset about this.
Briana: You don't look upset.
Fiona: Oh, it's the botox. I can't show emotion for another hour and a half.

Austin: Ugh. Sushi and donuts? Who does that?

Sam to Austin: ...because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.