Sean: Beer and pussy. That's all I need.
Ronald: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.
Sean: Smurfette?
Ronald: Yeah, not some tight-ass Middlesex chick, right? Like this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.
Donnie: Smurfette doesn't fuck.
Ronald: That's bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.
Sean: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.
Ronald: Okay, then, you know what? She fucks them and Vanity watches. Okay?
Sean: What about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get in on all the action.
Ronald: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang, and he beats off to the tape.
Donnie: First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have... reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It's just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?
Sean: *pause* Dammit, Donnie. Why you gotta get all smart on us?

Donnie: Do you want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know it takes a little, little while to find that out, right, Jim? And you... yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe... you should lift some weights, or uh, take a karate lesson and the next time he's tries to do it, you kick him in the balls.

Jim Cunningham: Son... DO YOU SEE THIS? This is an Anger Prisoner. A textbook example. DO YOU SEE THE FEAR, PEOPLE? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places...
Donnie: You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I... and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I... I... I think you're the fucking Antichrist.

Kitty to Rose: Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Donnie: I made a new friend today.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Real or imaginary?
Donnie: Imaginary.

Frank: 28 days... six hours... 42 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end.

Gretchen: You're weird.
Donnie: Sorry.
Gretchen: No, that was a compliment.

Donnie: Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?
Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

Donnie: *the letter* Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and... there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

Kitty: "No duh" is a product of fear.

Principal Cole: Donald let me preface this by saying your Iowa test scores are intimidating... So, let's go over this again, what exactly did you say to Ms. Farmer?
Kitty: I'll tell you what he said - he asked me to forcibly insert the Lifeline exercise card into my anus!

Dr. Lilian Thurman: What did Roberta Sparrow say to you?
Donnie: She said "Every living creature on earth dies alone".

Dr. Lilian Thurman: Has he ever told you about his friend Frank?
Rose: Frank?
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Yes, the giant bunny rabbit...
Edward: What?
Rose: I don't recall him ever having mentioned a rabbit...

Donnie: You are such a fuckass.
Elizabeth: Did you just call me a fuckass? You can go suck a fuck.
Donnie: Oh, please, tell me Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?

Samantha: What's a fuckass?

Gretchen: My mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems.
Donnie: Oh, I have those too. What kind does your step dad have?
Gretchen: He stabbed my mom four times in the chest.
Donnie: Oh.

Rose: Do you even know who Graham Greene is?
Kitty: I think we've all seen Bonanza.

Donnie: Well I-I, sorry I...
Gretchen: Donnie wait...
Donnie: I like you a lot...
Gretchen: I just want it to be... at a time when... it...
Donnie: When what?
Gretchen: When it reminds me just...
Donnie: When it reminds you of how beautiful the world can be?
Gretchen: Yeah... and right now there's some fat guy over there staring at us.

Donnie: My parents didn't get me what I wanted for Christmas.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: What did you want?
Donnie: Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: And how did you feel, being denied these hungry, hungry hippos?
Donnie: Regret.

Emily: Mom said the school is closed today because it's flooded, and there's feces everywhere!
Susie: What are feces?
Emily: Baby mice.
Susie: Aww.

Donnie: What will happen if you tell mom about this?
Samantha: You'll put Ariel in the garbage disposal.
Donnie: Goddamn right I will.

Gretchen: Hey. What's going on?
David: Horrible accident. My neighbour... got killed.
Gretchen: What happened?
David: Got smooshed by a jet engine.
Gretchen: What was his name?
David: Donnie. Donnie Darko.
Gretchen: Hmm.
David: I feel bad for his family.
Gretchen: Yeah.
David: Did you know him?
Gretchen: No.