Brenda: Let's examine the evidence. Look! Nothing but bottles and gallon jugs.
Elise: I had guests!
Brenda: Who Guns 'N' Roses?

Brenda: There she is, Princess Pelvis.

Brenda: This is just like Mission Impossible.
Annie: Oh that was a big hit.

Brenda: My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V.. He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a mustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? what's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go roller-blading.

Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!

Uncle Carmine: Brenda, I speak, on behalf of my dearly departed brother, your father, that Morty is garbage, and that it would be an honor to take him out.

Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.
Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink.

Ivana Trump: Ladies, you have to be strong and independent, and remember, don't get mad, get everything.

Brenda: What's wrong?
Woman: It's my lover. She left me for this younger woman that weighs twelve pounds.
Brenda: That's just like my Morty.
Woman: Who?
Brenda: Morty. *shows her the picture*
Woman: She's butch.

Elise: You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them! *her drink spills*

Phoebe to Elise: Hi, I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies and I want to be just like you. Only, me!