Jack: Look you're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out.

Mrs. Plunkett: True love can move mountains.

Sharon: The day is for the living, Jack. The night is for the dead.

Jack to Mary: Kiss you? Maybe we should get some moisturizer first... or some medical supervision.

Marge: Oh my God! He's got my underwear!
Malcolm: Oh, very nice, a pervert ghost!

Mrs. Plunkett: Good morning, darling!
Plunkett Senior: Good morning dear! Well, our son is an idiot!
Mrs. Plunkett: We've known that for years, haven't we, darling?
Plunkett Senior: Well, this time he has surpassed himself. The ghosts are furious!
Mrs. Plunkett: Why?
Plunkett Senior: Well, they've heard that that Jim Brogan fellow is going to move the castle to Malibu!
Mrs. Plunkett: Oh, how nice! All that sunshine and all those movie stars!
Plunkett Senior: No respectable ghost would live in California!

Jack: I'm dead. So this is what it feels like. Like a hangover.

Jack: Now that I'm dead, I though I'd let you know. You're as cold as a penquin on an iceburg. You're a dwarf. Yeah, clean those choppers so you can chew up the next jerk that comes along. *Sharon slaps him* I'm not dead?
Sharon: No, but if I were you I wouldn't make any long term plans!

Miranda: So, I was seeing this guy and he's a devil worshiper, right? Well, he's a hairdresser really, but he devil-worships on the side. And we booked this dumb tour because, you know, he likes ghosts, dead gerbils, that kind of thing... and he ran off with this Bhuddist monk! I mean, how I was supposed to know he was gay? So what about you, are you gay too?
Brother Tony: Uh, no, I'm not. I'm - I'm chaste!
Miranda: Just kidding! Trick question!