Kevin: I made my family disappear. *smiles* I made my family disappear.

Marv: He's only a kid Harry. We can take him.

Kevin: When I grow up and get married I'm livng alone. Did you hear that? I'm living alone. *starts jumping up and down at the top of the stairs and repeats it over and over*

Kate: This is CHRISTMAS. The season of perpetual hope. And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.

Marv: Kids are scared of the dark.
Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.

Kevin: You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?

Kevin: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
Clerk: Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.
Kevin: Well could you please find out?

Kevin: I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.

Gangster 'Johnny': Who is it?
Pizza Boy: It's Little Nero, sir. I have your pizza.
Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it at the doorstep and get the hell 'outta here.
Pizza Boy: Okay, but what about the money?
Gangster 'Johnny': What money?
Pizza Boy: Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Gangster 'Johnny': Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?
Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.80, sir. *Kevin drops the change out through the door*
Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, you filthy animal.
Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.
Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I'm going to give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly face out of my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!

*Kevin gets into trouble*
Kate: Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin: "Good night Kevin."

Grocer: Where's your mom?
Kevin: In the car.
Grocer: Where's your father?
Kevin: He's at work.
Grocer: What about your brothers and sisters?
Kevin: I'm an only child.
Grocer: Where do you live?
Kevin: I can't tell you that.
Grocer: Why not?
Kevin: Because you're a stranger.