Teacher: Now, I'm returning your papers on the Salem Witch Trials. I'm sad to report that Eden here got the only A.
Jessica: That's not fair. She's the only one who was actually there.
April: So... do you really have a penis?
Jessica: I don't think you get the gravity of the situation here.
April: Can I see it?
Jessica: April!
April: Sorry... can I see it? *Jessica gives April a dirty look* Come on, it's not every day that your best friend grows a penis.
Jessica: Hildenburg, I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of the whole school and the visiting eighth graders, but you have no idea what it's like... to wake up every morning... and have to shave your chin.
Hildenburg: *starts to cry* Yes, I do.
Jessica: *on the phone to Billy after becoming a man* I should have made love to you when I had the chance.
Billy: Father Mulcahy?
Obnoxious Guy at Club: Aren't you that chick who's having sex with that college guy?
Eden: *annoyed* NO.
Obnoxious Guy at Club: Do you want to be?
Jessica: She's not interested, so why don't you just back off?
Obnoxious Guy at Club: Oh, OK. GRANDPA. What are you, a pimp and these are your skank hoes! *Jessica slaps him hard* You and me, right now, lets go.
Jessica: Where are we going?
Jessica and April: Boys are cheats and liars, they're such a big disgrace. They will tell you anything to get to second base... ball, baseball he thinks he's gonna score. If you let him go all the way then you are a hor... ticulture studies flowers, geologist studies rocks. The only thing a guy wants from you is a place to put his cock... roaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs. Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of jug... glers and acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck. All guys really want to do is - forget it, no such luck.
Jessica: April, do you remember in second grade when you moved here from Arkansas? And everyone made fun of you and threw rocks at you, 'cuz you talked funny and your front two teeth were brown. I was your only friend. I gave you that locket, round your neck, when your grandmother was sick. You said, you said...
April: We'd be bestest friends forever.
April: Ok, let's make a list of all the people that hate Jessica.
Lulu: You know what would be a shorter list? All the people that don't hate Jessica.
Jessica: You bitch!
Jessica: Look at these earrings. I'll be the envy of every girl at prom. Not like that was in jeopardy or anything.
Bianca: Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends?
Jessica: You look good, too, Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more?
Monique: Barfing more.
Jessica: How come you didn't snitch on me?
Booger: Cuz you're my sister and I accept you for who you are.
Jessica: Come here. *hugs him* You're such a little weirdo.
Jake: She was a fun ride, no doubt about it, but she is a previously owned vehicle and I'm into that new car smell.
Jessica: You asshole! *Billy and Jake look over* Whoever left these towels here is an asshole.
April: Uh, Jessica has a... problem.
Ling Ling: She's only going to make us wait an hour this time.
Lulu: What about the class trip to Six Flags. She took so long in the bathroom we missed the bus.
Ling Ling: Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up.
Jessica: I had my period, OK!
Eden: It's a latin based form of witchcraft. It originated in Africa and eventually made it's way to Cuba and Brazil.
Lulu: Bianca!
Jessica: I knew it.
Eden: Most of its rituals involve a chicken.
Hildenburg: That sounds delicious. *everyone looks at her* Uh, I mean interesting.
Jessica: You're the only boy who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.
Madam Mambuza: Stop banging on those drums!
Bongo Player: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you could hear that.
Clive: I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, OK. Then, I'll give you your body back because it soooo important to you. *mockingly* Waa waa I'm crying about my body... And then, you can just loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts.
Jessica: *after kissing April* I am so lesbian right now.