Samantha James: Chris! Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris...
Chris: I'm busy!
Samantha James: I'm busy too, you stupid dick!

Mike: *speaking to Chris about Samantha* It's OK. She's got her toothpaste.
Samantha: *mouth full of toothpaste* Blueberry.

Samantha: *Chris is wrestling Samantha to make her stop using her taser gun on him* Oooohhh yes! Go-Time!
Chris: Hey! Hey! It's not Go-Time! This isn't how it works Samantha! You can't force or... or torture someone into liking you!
Samantha: Oooh, the big speech!
Chris: No! You just have to put yourself out there and hope that they like you back! This isn't a game! This is my LIFE!
Samantha: Oh yeah! This is MY life! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever! Okay? I'm sorry I'm not poor! I'm sorry I... *Chris starts walking out* I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass! I'm sorry I'm not... Hey! Where you going?

Chris: Hi. *Jamie slams the door in his face* Jamie, look, Jamie! I said a lot of really crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been a very good friend to you and I'm sorry, ok. The truth is that I'm afraid to be your friend because I'm always gonna want more. But then I got to thinking that I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all. *She opens the door and looks at him* You know, that's a lie too. *She comes outside and closes the door behind her* I want to take you out on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day or at night or whenever as long as it's a real date. And I want to tell you how beautiful I think you are, inside and out. And I want to have babies with you, and I want to marry you and I love you, Jamie, I always have. *She smiles and they kiss* Sorry, that's like 20 years all at once.

Chris' Mom: Dusty, what kind of car is this?
Dusty: Carol, this little Japanese princess here is called the Prius.
Chris' Mom: I think it's so neat that you kids care about the environment.
Chris: I love the environment.
Chris' Mom: But honey, don't you drive a Range Rover? Aren't those bad?
Chris: *pause* Well, I had a really nice time tonight, and I hope we can do it again soon.

Samantha with Mike: Whoopsie! I'm naked.

Chris' Mom: *starts dialing while Chris is on the phone* Joyce?... Joyce?
Chris: No, Mom, I'm on the phone.
Chris' Mom: What are you doing at Joyce's house?
Chris: Mom, I'm in the Living Room, ten feet away from you...
Chris' Mom: Well, while I have you on the phone dear... what would you like for dinner?

Samantha: But I'm not ready for a gig.
Chris: Of course you are.
Samantha: No... no. No! This is a bad idea Chris!
Chris: God I am so stupid!
Samantha: No you aren't baby.
Chris: Here I am trying to make you into an artist when you're just a pop bubblegum sensation. But that's okay. Paris, here we come.
Samantha: But I am an artist... I am an artist... Hey! I am an artist!
Chris: Good. You ready to do this?
Samantha: I was born ready bitch.

Samantha: Wait a minute, am I being Punk'D? Oh my god! Ashton, you really got me! Ha Ha! Ashton! Ashton?

Samantha: You and I are gonna be the greatest musical manager team since Jessica Simpson and her father only you and I get to "mreow" and they can't, 'cause it's illegal. I looked it up.