Stuart: You of all people should understand, you're a scientist. I mean, you invented the elevator.
Leopold: What is an elevator? What are you talking... Where the hell am I?
Stuart: I told you, you haven't actually gone anywhere, you're still in New York.
Leopold: That sir, is not New York!
Kate: I'm afraid it is!

Leopold: Are you suggesting madam that there exists a law compelling a gentleman to lay hold of canine bowel movements?
Police Officer: I'm suggesting that you pick the poop up.

Charlie: Don't you think it's time you told me who you are. I mean, don't get me wrong, doing the Duke thing with you 24/7 is a blast, but really. Who are you?
Leopold: I'm the man... that loves your sister.

Leopold: I tell you, that thing is a damn hazard!
Kate: It's just a toaster!
Leopold: Why is it called a toaster when it produces no toast, but simply warm bread, and inserting it two times produces charcoal? The ideal toaster would have one and a half insertions to produce the correct toast.
Kate: You know something? Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice, and you know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice!
Leopold: Not where I come from!
Kate: Oh, right. Where you come from, toast is a result of reflection and study!

Kate: I'm not very good with men.
Leopold: Perhaps you haven't found the right one.
Kate: Maybe. Or, uh...maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.

Kate: I want more of this, more 1876.

Kate: I wasted the best years of my life on you.
Stuart: Those were your best years?

Stuart: Theoretically, if you go to the past in the future, then your future lies in the past. This is a picture of you in the future - in the past.

Kate: Why are you standing?
Leopold: I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table.

Leopold to himself: Ah Miss Blaine, you dance like a herd of cattle. You are a rare woman who lights up a room simply by leaving it!