Debbie: He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Debbie: What?
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a midget in the crowd.

Pete: Never do what they did.
Charlotte: I'm gonna do it...
Pete: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.

Jack: We decided that, we want you to be on camera.
Alison: Oh my god, really?
Jill: I know, I was so surprised too.

Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Debbie: You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!

Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

Alison: Why don't you go FUCK your FUCKING Bong?
Ben: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!

Pete: There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.
Ben Stone: That's way too many chairs for one room!

Debbie to Alison: Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

Debbie: Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other.
Pete: Who needs a time machine?

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your button falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Alison Scott: I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
Ben Stone: It's okay... I didn't...