Self help chant: I am great! I am wonderful! Everybody likes me!

Self help instructor: And remember when you get a job make sure your boss is taller than you. So that way it's easier to kiss his ass.

Chester: My name is Chester. I'm great. I'm wonderful. Everybody likes me.
Harland: Hey Chester. My name is Harland and you look like a giant asshole.
Chester: If I'm an asshole, there's a reason for it. You're contaigous.

Julie: Good luck.
Chester: Thanks. I'm glad you gave me the right finger.

Mrs. Mullen: Oh really? What position did you play?
Chester: Well...I was the kicker.
Mrs. Mullen: The kicker? *laughs* Everyone on the team is a kicker.

Julie: What? You're going to coach what?
Chester: Take it easy will ya.
Julie: What the hell do you know about soccer?
Chester: Nothing. It just happened. I was kissing the boss' ass, his wife came in, I started kissing her ass. The next thing you know they make me coach of the soccer team.
Julie: Well, did you get the promotion?
Chester: I'll get the promotion. All we have to do is bring home a championship team.
Julie: We? What are you talking about we?
Chester: I told the Mullens you'll be my assistant coach.
Julie: Oh that's great. Goodbye job, hello welfare.

Julie: Do you know much about soccer?
Chester: Not much. All I know is, I got a lot of balls.

Sally Anne: My name is Sally Anne Welfelt and I'm 12 years old going on 13. My hobbies are Ice skating and going shopping. My favorite book is A Wrinkle in Time. Turn ons: good looking guys, music, good looks guys, pizza, good looking guys, staying up late, and good looking guys.
Chester: Ok, ok, ok. Tell me how many goals did you score last year?
Sally Anne: Goals? None.
Chester: None?
Sally Anne: This is my first year.

Julie: Nice kissing the daughter's ass.

Bess: Oh Chester, you are a dear.
Julie: A deer? More like a fox.

Mrs. Vollick: Are you all right, Matthew? Who is that man?
Matthew: Oh yeah. I'm fine Mrs. Vollick. He's not a stranger, he's just strange.

Chester: Get out of the net. You're not a fish.

Julie: Looks like Norman Bates is playing.
Chester: Hey after the game, no showers.

Chester: *the lady screams in the men's bathroom* She probably saw something she doesn't see at home.

Crowd: Crush those bugs! Crush those bugs!
Crowd: Chop those Beavers! Chop those Beavers!

Chester to Julie: What are you celebrating or sneezing?

Chester to the Beavers coach: Hey Annie, I wanna take you to the zoo. They'll thank me for returning you.

Mr. Mullen: Chester, was she hurt bad?
Chester: You have no clue.

Chester: *Bess and him looking at a house* Who lived here before? The Addams family?

Chester: If we start screaming the neighbors will hear us.
Bess: Chester we never fight.
Chester: Honey, I'm not talking about fighting.

Chester: I have a headache.
Julie: Well, is it bad?
Chester: Is it bad? My hair hurts.

Coach Bull: Put the ball in the net!

Chester: Wow, anything quicker than that is when I'm having sex.

Penny: Holy boogers.

*both teams start to fight*
Julie: Chester look.
Chester: Let them fight.

Bull: I'm warning you I never hit a lady.
Chester: And I'm warning you she's no lady.

Sally Anne: Mom, those bitches broke my nail!
Sally Anne's mom: *Sally Anne* They broke a nail? *to the crowd* They broke a nail.
Mrs. Mullen: Dave, they broke her nail.

Crowd: Get those nailbreakers!

Coach Bull: *Chu saving each possible goal* I want that goalie tested for steroids!