Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher picking up phone and shouting: Stop breaking the law, asshole!

Bum: Sir, can you spare a little change?
Fletcher: Yes I could.
Bum: Well, will you?
Fletcher: No.
Bum: Why not?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap.

Receptionist: Do you like my new dress?
Fletcher: Whatever takes the focus off your head!

Fletcher: You don't believe me, do ya?
Greta: Of course not.
Fletcher: How ironic!

Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!

Max: If I keep making this face...will it get stuck like that?
Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: And why is that, Mr. Reed?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!

Guy in the Washroom: What're you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?!

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Fletcher: I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete!

Greta: A burglar tried to break into my friend's house, fell through a skylight, and cut his leg on a knife on the kitchen counter. He sued her and won $8,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No. I woulda got him ten.

Max: My dad's a liar. He goes to court and lies.

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?
Mrs. Cole: Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Mrs. Cole: Seven.
Fletcher: Hmmm.
Mrs. Cole: Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher: Whatever.

Max: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

Max: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Fletcher: Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got.