Caretaker: Who we gonna crush?
Football team: The guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?
Football team: The Guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?
Brucie: The Guards!
*football team looks confused*
Caretaker: Gotchya!

Crewe: Good news, boys, I didn't spill my beer.

Guard Lambert: Is that legal?
Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown?
Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!

Crewe: *to the short cop* Now, listen here, Mr. Froto, don't get short with me.

Brucie: Our Savior Jesus, help me do this right and I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black men.

Crewe: ...I'll be quarterback.
Brucie: Why can't I be quarterback?
Crewe: *throws football* Throw me the ball.
*Brucie throws football back and misses*
Crewe: That's why, now sit down.